The Enemy Within.

I've realized that I'm the only one that can defend me. I'm my own worst enemy. If I don't defend myself, no one else will.

So from now on, I'm going to try to be more accepting of who I am and who I want to be. If I'm not accepting of myself, how can I expect others to respect me?

Guarded.

Photography by Katie Parker

I'm not going to pretend that I'm wise. I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to be doing a year from today, or heck - even a day from today. I thought that once I believe in something, I'll believe in that forever. This is not true. I'm sad to say that I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. It's a myth in my book, in my mind. I used to be infatuated with finding love, with finding the man that will sweep me off my feet, to find the man that I can save. But honestly, I don't think there is any one I can save. I'm not sure I can ever save myself right now. Right now, I'm just surviving. Right now, that's all I can do.

My past relationships have taught me to live in the moment. I used to be the girl who had everything planned: who I was going to marry, what my career would be, how many kids I'll have, etc. I, honestly, would have been mediocre. And I don't want to be mediocre. I've stopped being that girl that said "yes" to everything. The girl that did everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. I'll apologize if I intentionally hurt someone, but I'm not going to apologize for doing things that keep me happy and keep me surviving. We only have ourselves to look after. No one else. And if you think you have a responsibility to someone, you don't. You're chaining yourself.

So I'm not going to chain myself to the first guy that says they want me, thinking that they care for me. I'm not going to believe the lies people say when they act differently. I'm not going to make stories in my head, hoping you'd fill those shoes. I'm not going to be the person you want me to be just so you get an ego boost. And lastly, I'm not going to pretend to care for you just because society says I should.

I'm not going to pretend I'm wise. I'm naive as hell. But my instincts say I deserve to be happy. And that's what I'll do.

Either stay and be miserable or come home and never look back.

So I decided to come home - to where I was safe, to where my family and loved ones were. I may have lost a lot of money, but I had to cut my losses, pick up the pieces, and move on. I’ve never felt betrayal like this. I still can’t believe I flew more than 2,000 miles to get my heart stomped on, to be humiliated in front of all his friends and family, and to be taken advantage of.

I would like to believe I’m stronger now. Yes, I’m still going to make mistakes, but it’s better to make the huge mistakes now then later, right? It still hurts badly. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to trust anyone like I used to. But I’m home now. And I’m not looking back.

Journal Writing.

Heart, make up your goddamn mind. It makes me look like a hypocritical whore.

Cutting Ties?

I'm a girl with a security blanket. I'm the girl that doesn't need you, but would want you. And you'd maybe want me, too. But right now, I'm burning some cards in my back pocket and cutting some ties. I really care about one person, yet I want more than that one person to want me. What the hell is that? I admire the security this person has. I admire his decisiveness, his open-mindedness, and especially his patience. Right now, he's good for me and no other person can compare.

Queen of Wishful Thinking.

Just so you know ladies, there are 2,174,605,518 men aged 15-64 in the world. Now let's just say half of them are married or taken. That's still one billion men that can open the door for you. One billion men that walk on the correct side of the road. One billion men that pick up the check before you realize it's on the table. One billion men who call or text you rather than Facebook you. One billion men that have the potential to follow through.

Call me a snob. Call me a bitch who is never satisfied. I don't care. I think highly of myself &I think we all should. We shouldn't entrust someone with our hearts if they don't even know what consideration is if it smacked them in the face. It's silly to waste precious time on these boys. We're not all perfect &if these boys dwell on these imperfections - they're not worth it. &If they have imperfections that you know you shouldn't be dealing with, let the poor boy go. "The guy that deserves you is the one that thinks he doesn't."

Get Over It.

I love the Lakers. I love watching SportsCenter. I love hiking, snowboarding, running. I like drinking and smoking. I love intellectual debate. I shoot guns for fun. I spew out random science facts. Aaaaaand I'm a woman. Get the fuck over it.

Right Now?

I'm scared as hell for the future.

Quote of the Day.

It doesn’t make sense that the character would wear a bra and care at all about what she looks like when she’s having sex. Sex is meant to feel good, and she wants to feel good. Her life is so s**tty in so many ways. Some people use alcohol, some people use gambling—and some people use sex.
-Emmy Rossum

It All Falls Down.

I finally chose between the two. Once he left, I immediately knew it was a mistake.