Getting Back to Me.

I have no idea why I'm stressing out over a small thing. Maybe I'll get rid of you &then I'll get back to me. I don't have to go through all of this, I don't have to argue &get mad. I don't have to be a part of something I really wasn't feeling.

I just don't need to be in this. I don't want to be worse than I already am.

I'm not ready. I'm getting back to me.

Off to a Better Place.

Moving on. It'll be incredibly difficult, but it's finally time. I am strong. I am disciplined. I am focused.

I pride myself in knowing my priorities. I keep my family first. However, I am learning that perhaps distance will be the only way to keep us together. We - not just them - have been taking one another for granted and are constantly hurting one another. I need time apart, time to clear my head and to fully prioritize my life. I don't like unnecessary drama &that will most probably be the fall of me if I decide to stay. I need to keep my goals pristine in not only my mind, but also in my heart. This is what I am doing for Ma, my grandma. Ma &Lolo always lived for their family. I am doing this for our family. I need to get out of my bubble and get out into the world, fully. I need to become more independent and learn for myself. I must take away all the preconceived notions in my mind produced by my environment, by my family, by my conventional elders &most importantly, my parents. I love them so much, but I think it's time to show them how much I can truly succeed.

As for CJ... there is no way I will be able to let him fully grow if I am always nearby. It saddens me every morning I wake up that he is entirely dependent on me. I love him so much, but I know his potential and I know he is ready, but he won't - he won't venture out on his own - if I'm still here to help him along. Times are changing and life is calling me. No one should assume that I will carry his burden all my life.

And as for Xie... I hope he'll be able to go on this journey with me. My eyes were opened today when I found out that I am the reason he is staying here in LA. He has so much bottled up potential to become so much more, but due to his obligations to me as an older brother, he has decided to remain behind. I can't fully keep my family together, contrary to what has been said. It is not a one-person job... &This - this is due to him being my support, my motivator, my role model.

It disheartens me that one day soon, I'll be leaving most of my family, my friends - people I love, to fly out, grow, &prove the capacity of my intellect, but most importantly my strength. A great person knows when it's time to let go.

Finally, it's time for me to let go - go off to a better place.

This is my one chance.

Not Over It.

I let go. I let someone have me yet again. &It hurts. I knew my place. I knew. &I decided to let go.

Just because of butterflies in my stomach &weak knees.

Over It.

I don't need any unnecessary drama. Why bother? I thought I knew, but I'm learning that it's just all wrong. Maybe it's just isn't supposed to happen. Who doesn't put effort in a relationship with a person they claim to love? Who just doesn't bother to ask one more time or even at all?

I don't know if it's just a test, but why the fuck would a test be needed? I'm normally laid back, but so many things are now pushing my buttons. It all feels like a test &I guess I fail.

I don't want my guard down &I don't have the strength for it, honestly.

I thought - I thought many things. But fuck this. I was afraid to get hurt for a reason, and look what's happening.

I can't anymore. I want to so bad. I need reassurance. I need to know it's not superficial.

Maybe that's my main issue. I feel like it's all about the physical and the idea of loving someone else - someone other than the first person they have ever loved. &Maybe it actually is. &That would be my worst. That's my fear now. &I can't face it.

I'm over it.

Vulnerable.

It was unexpected. It was seemingly impossible. It was unwanted. It was. But it is in the present now &I can't turn back to make it all go away. Deep inside, I don't want it to go away. I lied, it does scare me. When you bring up other people, I do have fear that I'll lose you. Not that it's anything "too serious" right now, but I'll finally admit... Yes, we ARE dating.

Can't you see that this is me pushing you away because you're actually getting through. All that I intended for this to be is no longer an option. I'm just really really really really scared.... Terrified, frightened, shocked, caught by suprise, vulnerable.

I can't expect you to be close to me only when I feel like it... that's just unfair. But the times when I don't feel like it is only because of the feeling of dread - of danger. Danger to possibilities of getting hurt again. No one ever wants to get hurt. They don't get into relationships just to get hurt. They get into them to have a sense of happiness with a person they connect to, a person they can really relate to. For me, a person who is blunt and speaks their mind. A person who isn't afraid to say more than what is necessary or what is desired to hear, but just to say. A person who understands me like crazy. A person who actually likes seeing me for me. A person who is passionate, loving, caring, understanding. A genuine person. A person that I want to get to know more about.

His intentions are good &I'm still learning that. &Mine are the same, but my walls are definitely still up. This pushing away, constant thinking, constant filtering are the signs of this barrier that has been constructed.

I'm trying. It's impossible for me to say I'm invincible.

But then again, I don't want to admit that I'm vulnerable.