Vulnerable.

It was unexpected. It was seemingly impossible. It was unwanted. It was. But it is in the present now &I can't turn back to make it all go away. Deep inside, I don't want it to go away. I lied, it does scare me. When you bring up other people, I do have fear that I'll lose you. Not that it's anything "too serious" right now, but I'll finally admit... Yes, we ARE dating.

Can't you see that this is me pushing you away because you're actually getting through. All that I intended for this to be is no longer an option. I'm just really really really really scared.... Terrified, frightened, shocked, caught by suprise, vulnerable.

I can't expect you to be close to me only when I feel like it... that's just unfair. But the times when I don't feel like it is only because of the feeling of dread - of danger. Danger to possibilities of getting hurt again. No one ever wants to get hurt. They don't get into relationships just to get hurt. They get into them to have a sense of happiness with a person they connect to, a person they can really relate to. For me, a person who is blunt and speaks their mind. A person who isn't afraid to say more than what is necessary or what is desired to hear, but just to say. A person who understands me like crazy. A person who actually likes seeing me for me. A person who is passionate, loving, caring, understanding. A genuine person. A person that I want to get to know more about.

His intentions are good &I'm still learning that. &Mine are the same, but my walls are definitely still up. This pushing away, constant thinking, constant filtering are the signs of this barrier that has been constructed.

I'm trying. It's impossible for me to say I'm invincible.

But then again, I don't want to admit that I'm vulnerable.