The Enemy Within.

I've realized that I'm the only one that can defend me. I'm my own worst enemy. If I don't defend myself, no one else will.

So from now on, I'm going to try to be more accepting of who I am and who I want to be. If I'm not accepting of myself, how can I expect others to respect me?

Guarded.

Photography by Katie Parker

I'm not going to pretend that I'm wise. I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to be doing a year from today, or heck - even a day from today. I thought that once I believe in something, I'll believe in that forever. This is not true. I'm sad to say that I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. It's a myth in my book, in my mind. I used to be infatuated with finding love, with finding the man that will sweep me off my feet, to find the man that I can save. But honestly, I don't think there is any one I can save. I'm not sure I can ever save myself right now. Right now, I'm just surviving. Right now, that's all I can do.

My past relationships have taught me to live in the moment. I used to be the girl who had everything planned: who I was going to marry, what my career would be, how many kids I'll have, etc. I, honestly, would have been mediocre. And I don't want to be mediocre. I've stopped being that girl that said "yes" to everything. The girl that did everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. I'll apologize if I intentionally hurt someone, but I'm not going to apologize for doing things that keep me happy and keep me surviving. We only have ourselves to look after. No one else. And if you think you have a responsibility to someone, you don't. You're chaining yourself.

So I'm not going to chain myself to the first guy that says they want me, thinking that they care for me. I'm not going to believe the lies people say when they act differently. I'm not going to make stories in my head, hoping you'd fill those shoes. I'm not going to be the person you want me to be just so you get an ego boost. And lastly, I'm not going to pretend to care for you just because society says I should.

I'm not going to pretend I'm wise. I'm naive as hell. But my instincts say I deserve to be happy. And that's what I'll do.

Either stay and be miserable or come home and never look back.

So I decided to come home - to where I was safe, to where my family and loved ones were. I may have lost a lot of money, but I had to cut my losses, pick up the pieces, and move on. I’ve never felt betrayal like this. I still can’t believe I flew more than 2,000 miles to get my heart stomped on, to be humiliated in front of all his friends and family, and to be taken advantage of.

I would like to believe I’m stronger now. Yes, I’m still going to make mistakes, but it’s better to make the huge mistakes now then later, right? It still hurts badly. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to trust anyone like I used to. But I’m home now. And I’m not looking back.

Journal Writing.

Heart, make up your goddamn mind. It makes me look like a hypocritical whore.

Cutting Ties?

I'm a girl with a security blanket. I'm the girl that doesn't need you, but would want you. And you'd maybe want me, too. But right now, I'm burning some cards in my back pocket and cutting some ties. I really care about one person, yet I want more than that one person to want me. What the hell is that? I admire the security this person has. I admire his decisiveness, his open-mindedness, and especially his patience. Right now, he's good for me and no other person can compare.

Queen of Wishful Thinking.

Just so you know ladies, there are 2,174,605,518 men aged 15-64 in the world. Now let's just say half of them are married or taken. That's still one billion men that can open the door for you. One billion men that walk on the correct side of the road. One billion men that pick up the check before you realize it's on the table. One billion men who call or text you rather than Facebook you. One billion men that have the potential to follow through.

Call me a snob. Call me a bitch who is never satisfied. I don't care. I think highly of myself &I think we all should. We shouldn't entrust someone with our hearts if they don't even know what consideration is if it smacked them in the face. It's silly to waste precious time on these boys. We're not all perfect &if these boys dwell on these imperfections - they're not worth it. &If they have imperfections that you know you shouldn't be dealing with, let the poor boy go. "The guy that deserves you is the one that thinks he doesn't."

Get Over It.

I love the Lakers. I love watching SportsCenter. I love hiking, snowboarding, running. I like drinking and smoking. I love intellectual debate. I shoot guns for fun. I spew out random science facts. Aaaaaand I'm a woman. Get the fuck over it.

Right Now?

I'm scared as hell for the future.

Quote of the Day.

It doesn’t make sense that the character would wear a bra and care at all about what she looks like when she’s having sex. Sex is meant to feel good, and she wants to feel good. Her life is so s**tty in so many ways. Some people use alcohol, some people use gambling—and some people use sex.
-Emmy Rossum

It All Falls Down.

I finally chose between the two. Once he left, I immediately knew it was a mistake.

Girl Meets Boy.

Girl meets boy. Boy is intriguing. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Girl opens up to boy. Boy tells girl he isn't into anything serious. He's gotten hurt before &would rather not go through all the drama, insisting the same thing will happen. Girl still trusts boy. Boy acts like an asshole, trying to push her away. Girl is in a Catch-22.

How the hell do guys expect girls do be faithful when all they do is act like douchebags? There are two choices for this girl: Stay and get treated like crap by this asshole in time OR leave and make this boy further his dislike and distrust for girls? Guys, we try so hard. But after a while, your games get old.

I didn't plan to like you this much.

Isn't that what alwayssss happens in these modern "relationships." Young adults' fascination with labels - 50% need them and the other 50% are scared as hell of them. What do I think? Ignorance is bliss, but don't think I'm that stupid. What's lacking from "relationships" these days is respect. When did people get so scared of all this?

But then again, maybe I'm not that jaded just yet. &Hey, sorry if you didn't plan to like me this much. Some people just have that effect.

Quote of the Day.

The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.
-Puck on Glee (S2E6, "Never Been Kissed")

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst.

That's honestly the worst fucking advice ever. It just allows mood swings to occur. You're thinking... "Oh, blah blah is so awesome." Then the next minute... "Wait, but this and this happened. Is blah blah the blah blah I think they are?" Yeah, that's pretty ambiguous, but I have a feeling if you've gone through it, you know exactly how it is. In the moment, you're lost. You are too afraid to let go, but you are too curious to just leave it alone. It's a freakin' Catch 22. So I say, fuck hoping for the best &preparing for the worst. Be a fucking boss. The end.

I'm sorry if all my cursing offended anyone, by the way.

What Do You Get When You Fall in Love?

A GUY WITH A PIN TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE.

Why is it that whenever you let yourself want something, that thing gets taken away from you in a blink of an eye? And when you don't want something anymore, it comes running back to you? Life, right? Fuck that.

Quote of the Day.

&Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door. I'd open up and you would say, "Hey, it was enchanting to meet you." All I know is I was enchanted to meet you.
-"Enchanted" by Taylor Swift

Quote of the Day.

I think most people in their twenties go through some sort of depression. If you’re successful at a young age, no matter the profession, there has to come a time when you reevaluate everything, what it means to you. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?
-Kirsten Dunst

DECIEMBRE.

It's Finals week. I just deactivated my Facebook account &I have quickly moved on to find my next procrastinating distraction: re-opening my eyes to the world of blogging. So here it is:

This semester has easily been the most distracting academic semester ever. Longing for Greece, longing for being back on the east coast, long distance relationship, break ups, dating, too much texting/messaging, concerts/gigs/shows, presentations. Out of all that, who has work for a part-time job, research internship and Physics, Biochemistry, Medical Physiology, and Creative Writing? OH THAT'S RIGHT. ME.

Yeah, my brain has been on overload these past few months, but really nothing of it had to do with school. Oh well. You win some, you lose some, right?

So what have I learned so far? Don't try to rush things. Things may seem wonderful at first, but the light dims. And you can do so much better. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Like, really. It's ridiculous. &For a boy-crazy person like me, it's a good realization. Andddd I need a fuckin' life.Being not so serious about school this semester makes me feel all sorts of weird. Maybe it's the calm before the storm? Storm = med&grad school? Maybe, but I sure as hell can't wait for winter break.

Anywho, I think that's enough of an update. My mind is getting bored again. Till next time.

Have Your Cake &Eat It, Too.

You see, I have recently learned that I have the power to hurt people. I never tried to purposely &intentionally do it, not saying I am purposely doing it now, but it's quite a new feeling for me. I hate hurting people or even feel like I'm inconveniencing someone. But what I'm doing now.. I, for some reason, think I can have my cake &eat it, too. So not possible.

In order to really move on, I have to really let go. No "if's," "and's," or "but's." Such a cliche. No one is going to magically walk into your life &forget all the other people you loved/love. No one is going to "save" you from a bad relationship. No one will change your mind on anything. I guess, I was hoping someone would.

Or that one person I needed saving from would change.

I'm young. I can't stress that enough. Drama is unnecessary. All this stress pointless. If things don't work out, things don't work out. It's stupid to use all my energy trying to fit a square pog into a circular hole. Only time can tell if things will work out or not.

Right now, I'll be chasing happiness.

The Evolution of Love.

Recently, I've learned that sometimes love isn't enough. I've learned that I'm young and I need to see what's out there. I've learned that it's unfair to commit to someone if other aspects are not aligning up. As much as you may love someone, it is sometimes better to be away from them. Time tests all and patience is necessary. I am growing to be patient. I am growing to understand that effort and love may not always be the same.

Will write more later.