Question of the Day. Edited.

[DELETED.]
Check yourself.

I'd Lie.

I have an urge to write a song.

About a boy.

A simple distraction from all that I’ve been going through.

Because, through all of this, I still blush when he crosses my mind.

And I still have butterflies in my stomach.

And giggle like a little girl.

All the symptoms of the starry-eyed syndrome.

And all this for a boy(man) whose name starts with a K.

lalala.

Quote of the Day.

I have learnt how to live… how to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch.
-Audrey Hepburn

I'm learning. I'm still breathing.

Quote of the Day.

I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa

Just like my cousin says, "There IS a light at the end of the tunnel." I'm working on me right now. Ultimately, it's my life.

Above Ground.

The people, the environment, the small goal of the day - all of it was absolutely perfect. At a time where I am reorganizing myself, it touched my heart that I can still have moments like these, days like these. I had one good day in a very, very long time. I wouldn't have changed a detail of it (except maybe if Cory were to find me through the crowd &propose to me, but tough luck, cookie). I'm not sure if this is a sign connecting to what I was debating on before, but today definitely spoke loud &clear to me.

"It's the journey, not the destination."

Quote of the Day.

To fail spectacularly is actually a liberating experience.
-The President and COO of Churchill Downs in "Undercover Boss"

We fear failure, but how bad can it actually be? We all need to be less afraid of learning more about ourselves in failure. We're all human, after all.

That was the hardest concept (and still is) for me to understand.

Five Years.

Five years. Who I have metamorphosed into can be traced to the experiences within these past five years. I used to be some little girl who followed what her family told her - act like this, only say this, only do this. I could have gotten lost in it - I could have become very sheltered. I stand today better knowing how the world works... &how my family works. Culture plays into this - male roles, female roles, filipino family lifestyles at its absolute fullest. As a first generation American, we are still raised as if we were living in the Philippines. Boys do this, girls do that, children do this &can never do that. To stand up for oneself is never taught, never tolerated. I, unknowingly, made one decision that affected my whole life. That decision? Getting into my first relationship, which was a pretty successful relationship... Until it wasn't &ended. However, that's not the point. He was a couple specks of the bigger picture. If it weren't for my decision to pursue a little crush, my darkest secret would have never been exposed to my family. The chain of events affecting my family would not have occurred. I wouldn't know my brothers as much as I do. I wouldn't know my oldest cousin on my father's side as I do now. Granted, I wouldn't be going through such a hard time these past few months, but heck - aren't we supposed to do something every day that fears us? These emotions, this lack of self-control scares me. Very much. Feeling loneliness, betrayal, aimlessness. It's very dark. But I guess at this point in my life, there's nothing to lose. I'm pretty sure this will happen a lot in life. This first time, however, is the real test. It may take me longer than others, but I'm trekking on through.

&To think, if I didn't have that crush in the 10th grade, this all would have never happened.

I'm still learning about myself, still regaining my strength. I guess, readers, stay tuned - it'll come sooner or later.

Every decision we make is a life-changing decision.

Quote of the Day.

It's not like I'm not trying 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once. &I close my eyes &I kiss that frog, each time finding the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.
-"The More Boys I Meet" by Carrie Underwood

Story of my life.

Quote of the Day.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
-Rose Dawson in "Titanic"

Surely.

Closer.

The toxins in my blood can't compare to the way you get my heart pumping. I lie awake with increased blood pressure, increased rate of breathing &a trembling like no other. I've admired you from afar for the longest time. I don't even think you know my name. Crazily, I feel like I've known you forever. No, not the "I knew I loved you before I met you" crap. I feel like you have been in my life, but I never really noticed. You were indirectly a part of my life. We're not strangers, but we might as well be - it would be better for my thumping heart at 3AM, three hours after I stopped consuming so much alcohol. My mind is in a state of chaos. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? So many possibilities, but with these thoughts, I know I shall decide by not deciding. I shall lie here, lying to myself that you really don't mean as much as I've believed. It's just a little crush, right? Yet, I can't fall asleep. My concience is yelling, "Do something!" My subconcience is yelling, "Get up, stupid!" Yet, I just so badly want to be unconscious. But then, I know he'll just walk away with me not being a significant part of his night, while he has been this to me. Right now, he seems like he's so so perfect for me. I'm willing to take that risk. But there's one huge hurdle - a hurdle that cannot be overlooked. &Here it is apparent I cannot be anything to this man. The man that I've been dreaming about since I can remember. I don't even know if my intentions are correct. I so badly want to be with him &I have a big feeling it would all work out. However, I kind of want to be with him so all this hype could diminish. He's on a pedestal - he's my paradigm.

Oh eff. The last time I wrote about "the perfect guy for me," I actually had him - or thought I had him &his godliness dissipated into a gas of boyhood. Maybe I'm just waiting to be disappointed yet again. However, I'm still willing to take that risk. See, if #1 didn't happen, then where would all my cool stories come from? Ha, no. I learned a lot from him. Maybe I just want to get hurt all over again with this guy. I want his dangerous "perfect aura" to be broken &mean nothing at all to me anymore. Yet realistically, I don't think #1 ever stopped meaning anything to me.

Did I even learn anything from #1? Why do I still want to pursue something with #2? The ties I had to get to #1 were cut off soon after. I can't get my ties with #2 to get cut off. These ties are thicker than blood - or rather, they are BLOOD. So I guess that's how I'll end tonight. With my learned wisdom of sticking to my loyalty.

Or does this just sound like a bunch of bullshit &I'm ending it with my cowardice?

If these walls were thinner, if you were closer, if you knew my innermost desires, if I knew yours, if it could all piece together like an elegant, traditional love story with an ending that I lie awake yearning for.

&All this for a man who fails to notice me. I'm a Taylor Swift song all over again.

Update: He came out, walked away. &Folks, that is how this story has ended.