Closer.

The toxins in my blood can't compare to the way you get my heart pumping. I lie awake with increased blood pressure, increased rate of breathing &a trembling like no other. I've admired you from afar for the longest time. I don't even think you know my name. Crazily, I feel like I've known you forever. No, not the "I knew I loved you before I met you" crap. I feel like you have been in my life, but I never really noticed. You were indirectly a part of my life. We're not strangers, but we might as well be - it would be better for my thumping heart at 3AM, three hours after I stopped consuming so much alcohol. My mind is in a state of chaos. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? So many possibilities, but with these thoughts, I know I shall decide by not deciding. I shall lie here, lying to myself that you really don't mean as much as I've believed. It's just a little crush, right? Yet, I can't fall asleep. My concience is yelling, "Do something!" My subconcience is yelling, "Get up, stupid!" Yet, I just so badly want to be unconscious. But then, I know he'll just walk away with me not being a significant part of his night, while he has been this to me. Right now, he seems like he's so so perfect for me. I'm willing to take that risk. But there's one huge hurdle - a hurdle that cannot be overlooked. &Here it is apparent I cannot be anything to this man. The man that I've been dreaming about since I can remember. I don't even know if my intentions are correct. I so badly want to be with him &I have a big feeling it would all work out. However, I kind of want to be with him so all this hype could diminish. He's on a pedestal - he's my paradigm.

Oh eff. The last time I wrote about "the perfect guy for me," I actually had him - or thought I had him &his godliness dissipated into a gas of boyhood. Maybe I'm just waiting to be disappointed yet again. However, I'm still willing to take that risk. See, if #1 didn't happen, then where would all my cool stories come from? Ha, no. I learned a lot from him. Maybe I just want to get hurt all over again with this guy. I want his dangerous "perfect aura" to be broken &mean nothing at all to me anymore. Yet realistically, I don't think #1 ever stopped meaning anything to me.

Did I even learn anything from #1? Why do I still want to pursue something with #2? The ties I had to get to #1 were cut off soon after. I can't get my ties with #2 to get cut off. These ties are thicker than blood - or rather, they are BLOOD. So I guess that's how I'll end tonight. With my learned wisdom of sticking to my loyalty.

Or does this just sound like a bunch of bullshit &I'm ending it with my cowardice?

If these walls were thinner, if you were closer, if you knew my innermost desires, if I knew yours, if it could all piece together like an elegant, traditional love story with an ending that I lie awake yearning for.

&All this for a man who fails to notice me. I'm a Taylor Swift song all over again.

Update: He came out, walked away. &Folks, that is how this story has ended.