Must Gain Perspective.

Photography by karmablue

In my life I don't mean much to anyone. I've lost my way, can't go back anymore. Once I had everything, now it's gone. Don't tell me again because I've heard it all before. Some people say that I'm not worth it, I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect. Guess I'll give it a try. I've got one last chance to get myself together. I can't lose no more time it's now or never and I try to remember who I used to be... I've got one more chance to get myself together.

I've been feeling so incredibly lost these days. If you have talked to me recently, you know my mind has been cluttered with random thoughts, both significant &insignificant. I feel as if I'm in a static position decaying. No growth, no moving past things, no moving on. I don't know if it's because Rocio &Rose are gone (my sources of perspective) or because there's just too much to deal with. I guess that's why I've been writing in this a lot recently, trying to post blogs of lists of things I need to let go of. My blog = my sanity. However, I'm stuck @being... well, insane. I haven't had a slump like this in ages, if ever. I've also been reading my past blogs &it depresses me to see how wise &intelligent I was back then to just move on, away from people or problems. What's my problem now? Let's clarify.

-Boys: Getting over them. Very insignificant. I know the problem... I'm wasting my time. Solution? Just let go. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
-Friends: Things just aren't how they used to be. Yes, people change. However, we have that history - the history of sticking to one another through what ever comes up, keeping in touch randomly, coming close during Winter break, having fun &always being there for one another. They've known me for what seems like forever. &Same for them. I just thought that that was enough... but people change, I'm guessing. I'll admit it here &only here... I miss them terribly.. Solution? Just try &forget about it. There's nothing wrong with space, right? They broke my heart... worse that a guy has ever broken my heart. However, hopefully, after a while, they'll realize the situation. I'm not one to hold grudges, especially with people I love &have loved for most of my life. But now... I need time. I can't have them clutter my mind for much longer. Nevertheless, I can't wait forever.
-School: These 20 units are getting to me. I said I love challenges, but maybe this is the tip of the iceberg - the one thing I can't handle. I need to work 110%. I am not a quitter &I can't let myself go on resistance mode for any longer. There's the solution. Productivity, bitch. I do not fail, nor is it ever an option. What the fuck was I thinking? Damn.
-Work: I guess the same for school goes for work. Because I don't really have a "weekend," I tire out way too easily now. I see it come Monday morning in class. Not good. If another week goes by &I feel strained &stressed, I'm gonna have to drop my Friday shifts. School is greater than money @the moment. I'm not dumb. I know I have bills to pay, but education is... Golden. Haha. I need to get my shit straight.
-Last, but not least... Family: I try to make it a point to not worry about them during school season, but how fucked up is that? I miss them tremendously &I know I should treat them better. I have this bitchy tone when I speak to any of them... Mainly because I feel bothered from my work. However, I know they only call because they worry about me. They have good intentions. I need to be better with them. They're my everything. When boys, friends, school, &work are all gone, they're all I have. &I acknowledge that. I will try to be better. I will be better. I love them.

Gah, that feels like a burden being carried away from my chest &onto this blog. There you have it. Maybe this is when I get myself together - when I gain perspective.

To You.

No pictures. No details. You'll know who you are.

Stop visiting me in my dreams. I fell deep &so quickly, too. Only now do I feel the repercussions of that relationship. I don't have time to dwell or to be sad. You had a piece of me &all of a sudden you turned around as if that was enough. You fucked me up so badly. I went through a state of ontological shock &all my views were put under attack. How could you be so spineless to, randomly, drop me? It's inconsiderate, immature, &most of all, cowardly. It wasn't just "a thing", something that just felt right for that moment. Don't tell me I don't mean anything to you.

I just felt a need to rant, to fully express my feelings about you. I'm not going to act like a bitch, be all "emo," resent you, or feel any hatred for you, you know I'm better than that. I can finally let go without the fear of falling for you again. Now you know... at least a fraction.

This is one less thing out of the list of people/ideas/philosophies/thoughts I need to let go of. The list will continue later this week, however, no promises.

Fuck, this is badly written. Raw, emotional, me (How ever overused that sounded.).

[Get]Away.

I need to get away. From all of it.

All of it.

100% Focused.

Gotta fake it to make it, right?

It's been a long ass time since I've blogged, but the people closest to me know I've been wanting to since I've gotten back @school. The thing that's stopping me? MY MAC CRASHED. &On the first day of Spring semester. I'm telling you... I have bad luck! ...in all aspects! But @least that makes me appreciate the things I do have. So how am I writing this blog right here? Blackberry Browser... How ghetto. LOL.

So I'll update this ASAP. I love my blog incredibly &I don't want to let my faithful readers (Stef, Riddhi, Mariana of that I know...) down.

Just remember: When I fall, I fall. ...But I am no longer wearing my heart on my sleeve. I hold back. Not because I'm jaded or anything (Well... Maybe.), but because I've learned that it's better to take things slowly.

Oh, &also, I loooove my friends! I miss them oh so much. They're my everything... I hope they know. &I hope they know that they can come to me whenever needed. I love you, bbs. [=

Now, back to being FOCUSED.

Lose Control.

I don't look the same as how I did in the beginning of this Winter break. Aside from physical changes, it feels unfamiliar inside. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. However, I guess I'll find out in the days to come.

For the most part, I've had a lot of fun during this break. I'm all about working hard to play hard. I'm gonna miss these days, that's for sure, because in the Spring, I'll have 20 units for school, work on the weekends (including Fridays), and no release. I had a source of sanity before, but that's all over now. I'm definitely more independent than I was before break began. I have learned to be myself more, be content with what I have, and just appreciate life more, in general.

There is a downside to all of this, however. Despite knowing that all good things come to an end, I kind of miss how I was before. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, had a barrier made out of thin "Saran wrap", lived for love, and had passion. Now, I am more guarded, having a brick wall to isolate my love for anyone &living for the thrill &less emotion. However, I am an emotional gal &I knew that sooner or later, it would catch up to me. Well, here it is. Here is my emotional review of what has happened these past few days:

-Boys: As much as I have kept emotions to a minimum this Winter break, I always had accruing feelings. That's just how I am. I'm not gonna "fool around" with anyone without having some hint of feeling for them. In reality, I'm just looking for The One in the worst ways possible. I had fun, but it still left a teeny bad feeling in my stomach.
-Family: The one good thing about this break was that it gave me the chance to spend time with my family, which I did. I forgave CJ for what happened over summer. However, I feel like I have neglected Xie. He has opened up his home for me these past 4 weeks &yet, I feel like I haven't spent any time with him. He brings me food, he always thinks of my needs, &he doesn't judge me when I stumble in @4 in the morning, hoping to not wake him up. I wish we could have hung out more.
-Work: I believe work is the only category that has been left unaltered. I had my review over break... Last week, to be exact. It went wonderfully well. They are still considering me to become a night manager &are satisfied with all my work. My review made my week. It showed me that they actually noticed all the work I do &I am extremely grateful for that.
-Last, but not least, Friends: I have made many new friends this break, rekindled old friendships, &strengthened my current relationships. It makes me happy when I think of the times we all spent together. To our drunken nights, morning work-outs, surprise visits, house crashings, and all the cigarettes in between, it's been a pleasure - an absolute pleasure. I'm gonna miss this. We're just going to take a small break, but in Summer, we'll definitely get right back up. &I definitely think all of you are worth taking a day off for... or maybe 2. You know what I mean. Thank you, for not only providing the fun times, but also for being there to get to know me, hear me out, &spend time with me. I've learned to laugh at myself more, enjoy new company with the resources we have, &find new ways in the search for happiness.

As much as I have changed &seem as if I have changed, I am still myself inside - &that's what is worth knowing. My priorities are still straight &my motivation is glowing brighter than ever. I have not lost control.