Must Gain Perspective.

Photography by karmablue

In my life I don't mean much to anyone. I've lost my way, can't go back anymore. Once I had everything, now it's gone. Don't tell me again because I've heard it all before. Some people say that I'm not worth it, I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect. Guess I'll give it a try. I've got one last chance to get myself together. I can't lose no more time it's now or never and I try to remember who I used to be... I've got one more chance to get myself together.

I've been feeling so incredibly lost these days. If you have talked to me recently, you know my mind has been cluttered with random thoughts, both significant &insignificant. I feel as if I'm in a static position decaying. No growth, no moving past things, no moving on. I don't know if it's because Rocio &Rose are gone (my sources of perspective) or because there's just too much to deal with. I guess that's why I've been writing in this a lot recently, trying to post blogs of lists of things I need to let go of. My blog = my sanity. However, I'm stuck @being... well, insane. I haven't had a slump like this in ages, if ever. I've also been reading my past blogs &it depresses me to see how wise &intelligent I was back then to just move on, away from people or problems. What's my problem now? Let's clarify.

-Boys: Getting over them. Very insignificant. I know the problem... I'm wasting my time. Solution? Just let go. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
-Friends: Things just aren't how they used to be. Yes, people change. However, we have that history - the history of sticking to one another through what ever comes up, keeping in touch randomly, coming close during Winter break, having fun &always being there for one another. They've known me for what seems like forever. &Same for them. I just thought that that was enough... but people change, I'm guessing. I'll admit it here &only here... I miss them terribly.. Solution? Just try &forget about it. There's nothing wrong with space, right? They broke my heart... worse that a guy has ever broken my heart. However, hopefully, after a while, they'll realize the situation. I'm not one to hold grudges, especially with people I love &have loved for most of my life. But now... I need time. I can't have them clutter my mind for much longer. Nevertheless, I can't wait forever.
-School: These 20 units are getting to me. I said I love challenges, but maybe this is the tip of the iceberg - the one thing I can't handle. I need to work 110%. I am not a quitter &I can't let myself go on resistance mode for any longer. There's the solution. Productivity, bitch. I do not fail, nor is it ever an option. What the fuck was I thinking? Damn.
-Work: I guess the same for school goes for work. Because I don't really have a "weekend," I tire out way too easily now. I see it come Monday morning in class. Not good. If another week goes by &I feel strained &stressed, I'm gonna have to drop my Friday shifts. School is greater than money @the moment. I'm not dumb. I know I have bills to pay, but education is... Golden. Haha. I need to get my shit straight.
-Last, but not least... Family: I try to make it a point to not worry about them during school season, but how fucked up is that? I miss them tremendously &I know I should treat them better. I have this bitchy tone when I speak to any of them... Mainly because I feel bothered from my work. However, I know they only call because they worry about me. They have good intentions. I need to be better with them. They're my everything. When boys, friends, school, &work are all gone, they're all I have. &I acknowledge that. I will try to be better. I will be better. I love them.

Gah, that feels like a burden being carried away from my chest &onto this blog. There you have it. Maybe this is when I get myself together - when I gain perspective.