Lose Control.

I don't look the same as how I did in the beginning of this Winter break. Aside from physical changes, it feels unfamiliar inside. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. However, I guess I'll find out in the days to come.

For the most part, I've had a lot of fun during this break. I'm all about working hard to play hard. I'm gonna miss these days, that's for sure, because in the Spring, I'll have 20 units for school, work on the weekends (including Fridays), and no release. I had a source of sanity before, but that's all over now. I'm definitely more independent than I was before break began. I have learned to be myself more, be content with what I have, and just appreciate life more, in general.

There is a downside to all of this, however. Despite knowing that all good things come to an end, I kind of miss how I was before. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, had a barrier made out of thin "Saran wrap", lived for love, and had passion. Now, I am more guarded, having a brick wall to isolate my love for anyone &living for the thrill &less emotion. However, I am an emotional gal &I knew that sooner or later, it would catch up to me. Well, here it is. Here is my emotional review of what has happened these past few days:

-Boys: As much as I have kept emotions to a minimum this Winter break, I always had accruing feelings. That's just how I am. I'm not gonna "fool around" with anyone without having some hint of feeling for them. In reality, I'm just looking for The One in the worst ways possible. I had fun, but it still left a teeny bad feeling in my stomach.
-Family: The one good thing about this break was that it gave me the chance to spend time with my family, which I did. I forgave CJ for what happened over summer. However, I feel like I have neglected Xie. He has opened up his home for me these past 4 weeks &yet, I feel like I haven't spent any time with him. He brings me food, he always thinks of my needs, &he doesn't judge me when I stumble in @4 in the morning, hoping to not wake him up. I wish we could have hung out more.
-Work: I believe work is the only category that has been left unaltered. I had my review over break... Last week, to be exact. It went wonderfully well. They are still considering me to become a night manager &are satisfied with all my work. My review made my week. It showed me that they actually noticed all the work I do &I am extremely grateful for that.
-Last, but not least, Friends: I have made many new friends this break, rekindled old friendships, &strengthened my current relationships. It makes me happy when I think of the times we all spent together. To our drunken nights, morning work-outs, surprise visits, house crashings, and all the cigarettes in between, it's been a pleasure - an absolute pleasure. I'm gonna miss this. We're just going to take a small break, but in Summer, we'll definitely get right back up. &I definitely think all of you are worth taking a day off for... or maybe 2. You know what I mean. Thank you, for not only providing the fun times, but also for being there to get to know me, hear me out, &spend time with me. I've learned to laugh at myself more, enjoy new company with the resources we have, &find new ways in the search for happiness.

As much as I have changed &seem as if I have changed, I am still myself inside - &that's what is worth knowing. My priorities are still straight &my motivation is glowing brighter than ever. I have not lost control.