71 Days Since.

&I still miss it.

Quote of the Day.

Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.
-Baby from "Dirty Dancing"

Flowers Die.

Rose-colored sky, like how my eyes were when I fell for you.
Dead flowers, like how my heart feels after you fooled me twice.

To be young &in love.

It doesn't matter what time it is. It doesn't matter what we talk about. It doesn't matter what the weather is or who's around. You're in front of me and I want time to pass by so slowly. An hour of your time feels like a second. Just hearing your voice and seeing that smile on your face leaves me in awe that I can sit here all day in the warm Summer night just talking away. Five feet away from each other and I haven't felt this close to a human being in such a long time. Your presence calms me &gives me a sense of hope, a sense of belonging.

Quote of the Day.

Trust your haters. They know a star when they see one. Let them continue to promote you for free.
-Unknown

I see what you're trying to do. You actually made me laugh today. Thank you.

Quote of the Day.

I know there are things in my life that don't always work out the way I have planned them in my mind, but that's okay. I know that, at times, I have to step back &take a really good look at myself to understand me more - to understand myself better. I know I can be more confident &will be more confident in my life &the choices I make. I will not allow myself to be distracted from who I am &who I want to be.
-Clark Gonzales

He made me say this after an intense, meaningful conversation with him.

...It definitely helps.

Liberating.

On Friday, 6/25, I decided to take a chance. I got out of bed, walked to the Metro Station, and followed wherever the wind blew me towards. Where did I end up? Washington, D.C., of course! &Not just that - I found myself in front of the White House! It's such a liberating feeling to know I can just get up and venture out anywhere. I'd like to thank my Greece trip. In the words of Jeanette Sinh, "After being in Greece, no where in the world feels too far away." &It's true. I find myself in Bethesda, MD. I find myself enrolled in the Rapid Rewards for Southwest Airlines. This Summer, I found myself in Athens, Mykonos, Santorini, Ios, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Nashville, Orlando, Virginia, and now Maryland. If you asked me last year what I'd be doing in the Summer of 2010, I would have probably said going to parties in Los Angeles and venturing my town again. However, I would have been quite wrong. That's the thing with life - you think one thing will happen &something totally new occurs instead. &Being me, that would frustrate me. I'm the kind of person that plans everything. If something goes wrong, I'm sad about it for quite a while. (I'll post a quote soon of what my cousin told me.) This year, I have found that "good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I try not to attach myself to an idea or a plan anymore. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed. Going with the flow isn't such a bad thing. Come on, I thought I was going to become a nurse, marry my high school sweetheart &become a housewife &mother by the time I turn 22. Less that 4 months till my 21st birthday, we can all see that that dream can no longer come true. (Well, it can, but that's not my dream anymore.) When that relationship ended, I was devastated. However, that was only because I didn't know what my future would look like. &Look at me now, I have amazing friends, went to Hawaii, Sydney, Greece, and am now living on the east coast. If things don't work out with the Medical Scientist program, if I lose some friends, it'll still be okay. I still have faith. I guess that's what my point is. I needed to get through all of that tough stuff to get to where I am now. I'm not saying I'm wise or anything, I have learned that I'm so far from that. I'm saying that I believe I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. &This feeling is absolutely liberating. Hey, I might find myself in Atlanta in a couple days. Or Orlando. Or NYC. I don't know. &Not knowing is wonderful at the moment.

Changed.

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in the beginning of May - a boy who would be hopelessly devoted to me, a beautiful romance, having a bright future set with an engagement and children years after. Easy, right? For such a hopeless romantic, I thought it was. However, events since then have changed my mind. I'm done thinking about forever. Caring for someone who cares for me just as much is enough. I don't need a "final destination" just yet. I'm having fun with someone and getting to know someone. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? Why do we use labels when trust and communication is enough? I'm tired of looking for the "bad" signs. I'm tired of looking for excuses to leave my heart closed. I'm not in love, but I'm ready to feel again. &This - this makes me feel. It makes me feel worthy again. It helps me see that I have my whole life ahead of me. If you knew me in April, you know I've come a long way. April was a rough month for me that tore me down and left me as scraps. My trip in Greece and taking chances like this have helped me pick up the pieces again. It feels good to be able to trust people again - my friends, my cousin, my brother.

There doesn't have to be a big picture just yet. There doesn't have to be a promise of forever, because I could care less about forever right now. All I care about is building myself back up and being the best friend and person I can be. All I care about is blowing away the haze that blurred up my life in the months prior to my trip.

I think I've changed. For the better.

Now, let's see how my internship goes! That will bring in a new adventure in &of itself.

Quote of the Day.

I'm on my own. &Just like every Sunday, I called mama up last night. &Even when it's not, I tell her everything's alright. Before we hung up, I said, 'Hey mama, don't forget to tell my [brothers] I'll see them in the fall. &Tell [lola] that I miss her. Yeah, I should give her a call. &Make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl. Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Don't forget to remember me.'

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray. I haven't done this in a while, so I don't know what to say, but 'Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big old place. Yeah, I know there are more important things, but don't forget to remember me.'
-"Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood

I miss familiar faces, familiar places.

Quote of the Day.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
-"Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Baby, won't you get them if I did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....