Stand Still, Look Pretty.

I am slowly falling apart. I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start. You might think it's easy being me: You just stand still, look pretty.

Gotta fake it to make it, right? Pretend I'm not feeling the way I'm feeling so I can get through it - get over it.

Don't underestimate me. Yes, it may take me some time - I learn the hard way. However, it doesn't matter how many times you fall, it matters how many times you fall &get back up again.

Anyways, It's been a while since I've quit smoking cigarettes. No more being dependent - on anyone or anything. In addition, Lent starts tomorrow, Ash Wednesday. Another thing I'm letting go of? Chocolate. haha.

Things are looking brighter already. I'm picking up the pieces.

<3The Wreckers.

This One's for the Girls.

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart, who've wished upon a shooting star - You're beautiful the way you are. This one's for the girls who love without holding back, who dream with everything they have. All around the world, this one's for the girls.

I don't know why I love love so much. Yes, it's a wonderful feeling, keeps a smile on your face &makes every experience sweeter, but when it's lost, it is one of the most agonizing feelings one could ever endure. It's an emotional, spiritual, psychological pain that transforms into a physical pain in which your heart feels like it has been ripped out of your chest, your knees are shaking &your insides all blubbery. Then - getting over that love is extremely difficult - you are reminded of them daily, thinking of what you two could be doing at this exact moment in time - the hands held together, the smile at one another, the looks with sparkles &the embrace you can just die in.

Maybe heartbreak only exists so we can acknowledge the love we really find ¬ice the little things that cause us happiness. The feeling we must feel as the heartbroken ones is hope. Hope for a wonderful, blessed future. Hope for finding true, unconditional, passionate love. Hope for growth on an independent level. Hope to push away all our previous expectations &become content with what we have because what we have - &who we have that has stayed &gone through many experiences like this with us - is everything. Not the love we lost, but the love we have.

Cruz.

&I'm feeling like I've never felt before. Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams. I'm free, finally free, slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze.

I'm leaving today. I'm living it, leaving it to change.

No desires, no needs. Most importantly, no expectations. I got this.

The Missing Factor.

This girl tries her best every day, but it's all gone to waste cuz there's no one around. This girl she can draw, she can paint, likes to dance, she can skate, now she don't make a sound. &I'd love to forgive and forget, so I'll try to put all this behind us. Just know that my arms are wide open. The older I get the more than I know, well, it's time to let this go.

I think the most pre-dominant theme you'll find in my posts, &in all of my other works, is love. I love love. It's always a part of my life, in my daily routine, expressed to those closest to me &engulfed in my thoughts. So it's no wonder that I'm running around in circles with some sadness. No, I'm not in love with anyone. Yes, there are incredible, amazing people around me, but there aren't sparks. I miss love - just the feeling of it. However, through many lessons learned &past experiences, I have learned that loving myself is enough... It should be enough. But why is it not anymore? I love me to the same extent as I have before. Nevertheless, I currently have blinders on, focusing myself to love others. &I'm ready, I'm so ready. What's the hold up? It probably just isn't my time. I know what I want, am capable of loving others, am done fooling around. "Everything happens for a reason." Let's see what's in store. My life is rarely ever this quiet.

There's just a missing factor - a different, wonderful kind of love.

She's in Love with the Boy.

Photography by albert.cantaloupe.

There's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained. There’s a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car, &you know I wanna ask you to dance right there - in the middle of the parking lot. Yeah. We're driving down the road, I wonder if you know. I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now, but you're just so cool - run your hands through your hair, absentmindedly making me want you.

I want a love in which anything goes. A love that makes you go crazy, yet keeps you sane day-to-day. I want a love where we steal glances @one another, just to be sure they're really there. A love that keeps you pinching yourself everyday, wondering, "Is this really it?" I want a love where you catch the other person looking at you with sparkles in their eyes - "The Look." I want a love that is as strong as the people engaging in it. A love that knows no boundaries. A love that is unafraid, unconservative, unconditional. A love that lets people say what they need to say. A love to last. A love where, in a minute, you better be in my arms. A love where our needs &desires are fulfilled automatically just by a touch, a peek, a whisper. A love where in 5, 10, 15, 50 years, we are still falling truly, madly, deeply. A love where we can't keep our hands off each other. I want a love that keeps us going, even when we're almost in our last days. A love where we're in heaven and hell all @the same time. A love where we're screaming &fighting &kissing in the rain. A love where - it may be complicated, frustrating, &utterly draining, yet - it's intoxicating. A love where holding hands makes me giggle. I want a love that excites me, angers me, &makes me pull off my hair. A love where we're tested, but know there's no one else, nothing else, anything else to keep us away. A love that can endure. A love with stamina. A love that accepts &that forgives. I want a love that, although we've been pushed away, pushed to the limits, pushed apart, &just downright pushed to the ground, we find each other pulling one another closer. I want a love where love is enough. Because it is for me.

I want a love with you.

Calmly Chaotic.

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself, "Yeah, where'd it all go wrong?" The list goes on and on. &Truth be told, I miss you. &Truth be told I'm lying. When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.

___________________________________________________________________
My life has been chaotic. I love how I'm super busy &it doesn't give me time to think about certain things. I also hate how I'm super busy &it doesn't give me time to think about certain things.

I'm always so tired - to the point of exhaustion - that it makes me restless at night. Ironic, eh? As a result of all the work, I'm knowing where my limits are... &pushing them. I would always talk about what I could do, all the extra stuff I would pack on to my schedule, speaking of my potential... Shoulda, woulda coulda. However, this semester, I'm living it out. I'm not going to complain because I'm loving this. I'm getting used to all the work. I'm loving me more, becoming more independent, &getting a huger sense of who I am. I'm still taking care of me.

It's calming. It's chaos. It's calmly chaotic.

New adventure: Find the balance.

Spread the Love.

I just wanted to say that I'm over my slump.
He did not mean that much to me to ruin my hopes of love.

No more being emo, spread the love.

Me in 25.

The Facts.
1. I'm oh so quiet given the certain scenarios, but outgoing with the people I'm most comfortable with.
2. If I could, I'd relive Winter Break '08-'09 again.
3. I cherish all of my friends. I'll tell you straight to your face if I miss you, appreciate you, or love you. So with that said, I miss you all, appreciate your tolerance &patience, &love you all to death.
4. My pet peeves include when people underestimate me (yes, I can carry my own furniture, thank you very much.), when people don't use their clickers when driving (!!), when people spell/say my name wrong, &when people mistake "your" with "you're."
5. I've come to learn that everyone has ignorance. I've seen both extremes, when it is truly blissful &when it is just uberly annoying.
6. I have a blog: theoneinthesun.blogspot.com. I like to write in it about 1-2 times a week. It keeps me sane, my emotions in line, &encourages my love of writing.
7. I'm taking an overload of classes this semester... plus work @the Business Office &work @Crate &Barrel. I'm keeping busy because that's all I've ever known - to be efficient &productive.
8. I don't show it as often as I'd like, but I love my family tremendously. I miss them so much that I try to not think about it cuz it'll bring me to tears. They say I'm the reason they're all still together, but it's only because I get my strength from them, especially Xie.
9. When I was younger, I always wanted to be a heartbreaker. We don't always get what we want, now do we?
10. I used to love love. Just the idea of it. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, oozing with openheartedness. I was the hopeless romantic, always saying "aww" to anything sweet, even if it long passed the borderline for corniness. I would fall just for the sake of falling - to risk everything for that guy in my life. I'm broken.
11. I need to man the fuck up. Next bitch.
12. I'm not very street-smart. I'm ditzy &extremely slow that it gets seriously irritating. However, bear with me because I really do try.
13. I'm very good with directions &knowing what great restaurants to go to depending on your appetite, choice of setting, ¤t time.
14. I love late night outings with a passion. Spontaneity -&passion- will win my heart.
15. "Men not boys!" Yes, that was annoying. Hahaha. My dream guy most acts like my brother, Xie. He's sweet, treats me well, thinks of me first, &can handle any situation. Chivalry is NOT dead.
16. I got my own. I get my shit done, I pay for everything I can. Everything? Yes, I bought it. Don't think I'm dependent on anyone or anything. I can live with or without you, thank you very much.
17. I've had major falling-outs with everyone that I'm close to, including family. However, the relationships that are able to survive through that, &become stronger as a result of it, stay close to my heart always.
18. I steer clear from drama. 7th grade did it for me. So, no, I don't hate you. &Yes, you can stop giving me the stank eye.
19. I can't remember how I survived senior year. Looking back @being senior section head for yearbook, running in Track &XC, having AP classes, working @Crate &Barrel, dealing with college apps, figuring out what we're gonna do for prom &having a boyfriend, I just don't know how I did it. &I just remember it being easyyyy.
20. Freshman year of college - or actually, August 2007 to February 2008 - was the most traumatic roller-coaster ride ever. I know I got through it through the strength of a Higher Being, my mother, Xie, &my many friends, including Riddhi, Rose, &Rocio. I knowwww now that I'm strong... Because you showed me my potential.
21. I've worked/am working so much harder this year than ever before. Sometimes, it gets to the point of exhaustion. Work's a killer + classes on the weekdays. I'm testing my limits... &maybe even pushing them, too.
22. A great week for me would consist of a flat island, poke, coronas &coors lights, FRIENDS marathons, Harry Potter marathons, The Office marathons, Heroes marathons, tanning, Bossa Novas, Pizookies, White Chocolate Molten Cakes, fried ice cream, Crepe in the Grip, snowboarding, taco trucks, crashing people's houses, &taking many photos in between.
23. I'm not a Nursing student. I'm a Bio/Pre-Med major &a soon to be double minor in English &Women's Studies, as well. I didn't "quit" Nursing because it was too difficult for me (I commend the Nursing students who can really handle it &kick ass, too.), but because right before my grandma died, I told her I would become a doctor... Because that's what I truly wanted to be. She's my inspiration, motivation, &role model. I didn't know her too well, but I believe we had a connection those last few days &for that, I am grateful. I made a promise - to her &to me. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I switched. For her.
24. I have two tattoos. One needs to be finished that I got in November 2007 with Marie: my mm<3 tattoo on the back of my lower neck. It'll be colored in dark purple &will have "jm" added right below it, to read "mm<3jm," which are my grandparents' initials. I got my second tattoo in July 2008 with Stephannie &Stacey. It's 4 Paloma Picasso hearts on my right wrist that I drew myself, representing my parents &two brothers. They're on my right hand &in plain view. It also represents how I wore my heart on my sleeve... Not so much anymore. Review #10.
25. I'm an open book. Ask me anything &I'll tell you the full-on truth. However, be prepared because it might not always be what you expected.

Till next time, my loves.