&Now all I can do is smile &fade into the background.
"This lesson is learned too well. Though, only unlearned by the time your wounds have healed."
I don't believe this white flag will be waving anytime soon. However, what I do believe in is my smile. It'll hide everything.
I want it so badddd. I haven't wanted anything this bad in a loooong time. I may not get it, but I can proudly say that I did everything I could to get it.
This could be the start of something new. Now, all I have to do is wait...
Wish me luck.
As the title of the post explains, this will be a post of word vomit. Too much is on my mind. The theme &major point of it might be found out by me @the end of the post, if ever. Haha. But here it goes... Oh. By the way, the photos may be related to the post. Don't know just yet. Style, cohesiveness, &appeal may just be thrown out of the window for this session.
Topic #1. Just to get it out of the way. BOYS SUCK. Plain &simple. I don't think I've ever spelled that out on here. I always talk about how I'm moving on, how I'm heartbroken (was.), how I get my hopes up &whatnot. However, I have never just written this point. I'll be seen as a sexist, a feminist, &a plain-old man-hater. I think every woman goes through this phase @some point in their lives. Some longer than others. Yet I believe it is within this age that they begin to see it, if not earlier. We're @the part of the "curve" where the frequency of great guys are at a minimum. They're still immature, have issues they haven't quite dealt with, or are currently unavailable. The probability of finding a great guy at my age is, let's say, 1 in 100. &Even then, when we do find a great guy, there aren't any sparks or they are forbidden to you. So let's say 1 in 10 of these great guys are actually great guys. So that makes it 1 in 1000 random guys a great guy. Horrible odds. You'd have to date 1000 guys to find that one great guy that really sticks. Well, you don't really have to date that many guys, but the probability of encountering a great guy is 1 in 1000. Good luck ladies, we'll all need it. Hence, this is why most of my time, I don't even look for them. I'm done with looking. For now, of course. &I strongly believe us women should focus on other things that are more significant. Anyways, to continue my curve discussion... There comes a point where there will be a much larger frequency of great guys. They have grown up, worked on their issues, know what they want, &are available from past relationships that they have learned from. We just need to be aware to not pass this curve because I am sure this curve passes quite quickly. Therefore, the "banana" part of my theory. Have any of you noticed that bananas are hard to find in the perfect state? One day, they're green and unripe. The next day, they're rotten already. This is the same with boys. They're either still boys & not yet ripe. LOL. Or they're dunzoooo. Issues have overwhelmed them &they're not at all functional anymore. Boys are bananas &we're just riding the curve.
Topic #2. I've been so good @not bringing this topic back up (Well, sorta.) in detail. However, it has come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I know it's only because I'm human &a girl, but I was doing oh so well! This is ridiculous. At least whatever I'm talking about has been cut, deleted, erased, pushed out of my memory. I hope my friends understand that I don't mean to bring up the subject, that I have other things to focus on. 95% of the time I'm good. I know there are bigger problems in the world - in my life - to worry about, but this is important to me at the moment. I am forcing myself to get rid of these thoughts, emotions, and desires. I know how I'm feeling, I know why I'm feeling it, I know I should stop feeling it. Yet I can't. Just bear with me. Please. &I am truly appreciative of all your efforts in consoling me. Thank you.
-See I left another good man tonight. I wonder if he'll miss me. Lord knows I tried. ...But I think that maybe the thing that I did wrong was put up with his bullshit for far too long.
Topic #3. I am sooo angry @(a) friend(s) right now that it's ridiculous. You say you have no time &you just drop me/us. I'm taking it personal because I give you space, I make an effort to plan something around your schedule, nonetheless, yet you give me/us no chance whatsoever. I see you go out with other people &I don't get a shot. I don't even get a reply back. I love you &you're one of my oldesttttt friends. I hate to drop you like this, but you're fucking dropped. I'm not gonna stand for this behavior. PERIOD.
Topic #4. I'm not a heart breaker. Plain &simple. I always give someone a chance. When I don't, there's something up. You need to be happy that I'm not that girl. I still keep your feelings into consideration when mine are not. I still think about you when I know you don't. I tried talking things over &you dropped me. I come running when you show me a glimpse of hope which is really glitter & not gold. So you should be fucking celebrating in the halls of your high school that I didn't do what I could have done. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that lies awake late @night when I've hurt someone - actually, I didn't even hurt someone, I spelled the truth out to them. However, you're the type of guy that can go through the motions, smiling &laughing as if I didn't mean anything to you because I really didn't mean anything to you &you played me like a fool. Congratufuckinglations. You sleep well @night, don't you? I'm not cut out to break a sweet person's heart. Some people aren't. But some people are complete experts.
Topic #5. I'm gonna miss Xie if he goes away. It's a given. I'm not gonna elaborate yet because it's not a for-sure thing yet. This reminds me of 4th grade. Everyone I love is leaving.
Topic #6. I need to snap out of this. I have a Chem lab report rough draft due... Like now. So I guess I'll get back to it. This was just the gist of what goes on in my mind on days like this. I don't even know how I'm gonna survive tomorrow night alone.
It's just one of those days...
To all who have forgotten.
That you loved me. That you wanted to spend time with me. That we loved one another. All the time spent with one another. Our first connection. That I treated you well. That I always tried. That you gave me little in return. That you were royalty to me. That you're acting like a jerk. The little things I'd do. The hoops of fire I'd jump through. The way I made you laugh. The way I'd make you smile. The way I'd make your day. The way you destroyed mine. The look you'd always give me. My smile. My laugh. Us in the car. Us everywhere. The adventures we'd go on. The way you left me. All the chances I've given you. That you're replaceable. That it's wayyyy too late. That I move on.
Don't ever forget. I'm already gone.
"&At last, all the pictures have been burned &all the past is just a lesson that we learned. Our love was like a song. You can't forget it."
-It's been so long.
-I miss chocolate.
-You mean nothing. Sorry.
-I'm @the point where I'm done waiting. Don't think I don't see that you just don't care anymore. You know what? I don't care anymore either.
-I miss Rose &Rocio soooo much. It's difficult. They helped form me. I just want to walk down Memory Road with them once again.
-I loooove my family.
-I haaaate the economy.
-I'm doing well in Chemistry.
-There's hope for me to get straight A's again this semester. I'm praying.
-Young boys aren't so bad. Hah.
-I really need to get back to this Chemistry Lab experiment we're doing tomorrow: The Rate of Hydrolysis of Tertiary Butyl Bromide. More commonly known as FML.
-I'm changing. Quick. So... Catch me if you can.
I found out I'm nothing without you. Forever united here somehow. You've got a piece of me &honestly, my life would suck without you.
I don't think I've ever had this problem before in my life. It makes me feel so bad &it puts me in a sticky situation. I guess this becomes more common the older you get, with the friends you have accumulated. However, what happens when views of your friends clash? When you're stuck in the middle? How do you respect both without making the other feel disrespected, left out, or feel uncomfortable? Where's the balance? It sucks being caught in the middle, being the one to choose what to do. What if I made a wrong decision? Will they understand? Will they lose respect for me? I hate being slow - being unable to comprehend situations as fast as I'd want to. I just pray to God that my friends will understand. I hope they will understand what I am trying to do - finding the balance. I also hope that they understand my other friends. I genuinely believe they are not trying to make anyone feel bad.
Also, I'm finding it hard to spend time with certain friends. &This particular situation kind of made it worse. I don't know if I've changed, if they've changed, if the environment we are in has changed, or perhaps all of the above, but it just feels different with them. Especially when one of them has completely given up the effort, or so it seems. I'm willing to just see how it is, but I just don't know if I'm feeling it anymore, you know? I feel like such a bad person, but everything feels different. The only thing I can do now is wait. &We all know how I feel about waiting.
I'm currently in a sucky mood. I'm still generally happy, but this is just a funk. Hopefully I get better soon. I hate feeling this way when I know I really don't feel this way... If you know what I mean. Gah, OK now I'm rambling. But yeah.
In conclusion, I loooove my friends to death &never ever want to disconnect from them. When I say my friends are amazing, I fucking mean it. &I don't let amazing go. Not without a fight. But hey, that's just me.
-I'm happy.
-I'll miss you if you leave me.
-"What's this? Oh, call me when you get them back."
-Thanks for leaving me alone. Hopefully it stays that way.
-Boys are bananas. They're either unripe or rotten.
-I'm Associate of the Quarter<3.
-I'm HANDLING. I've got my priorities straighttttt!
-I don't crush, I get crushed on. Haaaa.
-I'm brokeeee! FML.
-Th economy sucks if MY hours get cut to one day a week.
-I never stop pushing my limits.
-I live, I learn. I'm slow, but I get to it in my own time.
-I've gotten to it, I'm genuinely happy.
If everything was everything, but everything is over. Then everything would be everything if only we were older. I guess it's just a silly song about you &how I lost you &your brown eyes.
This one's for my past loves, which are not many, just so you know.
As overused as this sounds, you'll always have a place in my heart. It scares me how this is true. I genuinely hope you do well &find love &happiness. We did once have love &happiness, but we knew better that it was time to go our separate ways, mostly due to our different paths. If ever you look back &remember what we had, I hope youare comforted by the thought that I do so also in many moments. I hope years from now, if we are so blessed, we are able to reminisce together, yet I know time cannot tell. What's sad is that we most probably won't be able to do that, but I just wish you luck &guidance on your journey. You were my guidance once ¬hing will ever be regretted because, at least for me, my feelings for you were undeniably strong, true, innocent, &hopeful. I only wish the best for you &your future [with her, if applicable].
I hope to find as much happiness as I did with you sometime in the future. I am finally being able to focus on me, my needs, what I want to do with my life, &my desires in every aspect of that life. There's no more turning back. I'm leaving the past in the past &living in the moment. Just know that I am extremely grateful for those memories. Concentrate not on the sorrow, but on the happiness we shared - the happiness I need to realize that is around me daily, as well. Thank you for the adventures. I loved you.
&Babe, there's nothing else I can say.
I'm on a mission &it involves some heavy touchin' yeah. You've indicated your interest, I'm educated in sex, yes. &Now I want it bad, want it bad. A love game, a love game.
These past few days with my amazingggg friends were more than I could ever ask for. I'm absolutely grateful to them for helping me get through a rough patch. However, I'm finally back on my feet, with a stronger will, thicker skin &happier perspective. I'm remembering who I am &learning on the way. I'm fucking Christia Angela M. Sison. &I wouldn't be who I am without my loveliesss<3. So, my pieces are back together again. I can handle it.
Let's play a love game.
Now what would you do? Tell me, if I left you out of the blue? Would you fight back tears while your heart gets torn to pieces? Cause that's what I did when you left me out of the blue. Love can feel so good &then suddenly it's over.
I am not gonna sit around &become just as messed up as you are. I'm me. It's ridiculous how I let it overcome me to the extent that it has. You guys are all fucking messed up. I don't know if this gives you a sense of accomplishment. After all, misery loves company. I don't know if I'm some sort of experiment or a bet, even. We'll just see if &how fucked up we can make her, right? Every time I get the courage &strength to walk away, you're right there waiting to trap me back in again. It's some sort of trick for you - disappear &reappear @the most perfect times. I see it now, clearly &simply... Just like the sign I have always been asking for.
Don't bother sending me your mixed signals anymore. I see right through you.
I'm done following the path to being as fucked up as you are. I'm not happy. I will be.
I know you're outside banging that I won't let you in. 'Cause it's a hard life, with love in the world. &I'm a hard girl, loving me is like chewing on pearls.
"It seems like every time I talk to you, there's someone new who likes you." -Kevin H.
Hah. Funny, isn't it? We get what we don't want, want what we can't have, get what we want &then don't want it anymore. Don't like playing games? You're playing it now.
Clean slate. Let's switch roles. The end.
I like game.
Fuck you. I'm beginning to see I didn't mean much to you. Never did. Never will. I miss you on my bad days, but what's there to miss when it was all a fucking fraud? So stop persuading yourself that we had anything real. Stop trying to get to me, although you know how to. Don't kid yourself, buddy. You don't need me around, so why bother? You're utterly ridiculous. I really don't need this shit. "Sometimes it's the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them." I don't give a damn about you anymore. Bridge burned. Just missed the fucking train. Too late, hun. Now, leave me the fuckkkk alone.
"&I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud &I know that you'll use them however you want to." -Anna Nalick ♥
