Heartache.

I guess heartache, although it pains me, is a much easier hurt to overcome rather than the usual, old depression. At least with heartache, I know that I deserve better &it just wasn't meant to be. With heartache, I can find someone else. With heartache, time may heal. With heartache... Who am I kidding? Pain is pain. This is a little more tolerable, but really? There were too many surprises today; I was shocked my head didn't explode!

I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I just want to pull a Britney by getting a Pixie haircut &flying far, far away. I want to escape - my counselor even said that maybe that's a good idea.

Don't be surprised when you hear I'm in New York, Vancouver, London, or Toronto. I'm trying to run away from this heartache before my heart knows it has broken into another million pieces.

Quote of the Day.

You may say I'm a dreamer...
but I'm not the only one.
-"Imagine" by John Lennon

When you're constantly told that you're the last person in the world that gives genuinely &whole-heartedly, that you're the last person in the world that dreams constantly &of good things in the world, it kind of gets you down because you're never appreciated &are constantly taken for granted. So to you who have told me this, expecting me to change and lose the hope that I rightfully gained through all my experiences, I will not change.

I honestly know I'm not the only one.

The Clothesline Project.

"The effects of witnessing or experiencing violence at home vary tremendously from one child to another. The attributes that give a child the greatest chance of surviving unscathed are "average or above-average intellectual development with good attention and interpersonal skills. Also feelings of self-esteem and self-efficacy, attractiveness to others in both personality and appearance, individual talents, religious affiliations, socioeconomic advantage, opportunities for good schooling and employment, and contact with people and environments that are positive for development." Many children in families where domestic violence has occurred appeared to be "parentified." They are forced to grow up faster than their peers, often taking on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning and caring for younger children. Laura Gillberg, MSW, is the child and adolescent program director at Sarah's Inn, an agency in Oak Park, Illinois. She stated, "Many of these children were not allowed to have a real childhood. They don't trust their fathers because of his role as an abuser and they may have been worried about what to expect when coming home. They learned at a young age to be prepared for anything." Children may also be isolated. Typical activities such as having friends over to their house may be impossible due to the chaotic atmosphere. "Kids aren't going to have their friends over when mom has a black eye." However, school performance is not always obviously affected. Children may respond by being overachievers. Gillberg noticed that children in domestic violence tend to be either extremely introverted or extremely extroverted. Psychosomatic problems (aches and pains for no apparent reason) are common; these children's eating and sleeping patterns tend to be disrupted. Children who witness domestic violence can develop behavior problems, including aggression and violent outbursts. Underlying all these "symptoms" of domestic violence are children's emotional responses: i.e. anger - misery - intense terror - fear of dying - fear of the loss of a parent. Children may feel rage, guilt, or a sense of responsibility for the violence, which can stifle emotional and social development. To learn and grow into a healthy adult, children must feel confident in the world and in themselves. Domestic violence can wipe out a child's confidence and leave them shocked.
Effects of Domestic Violence: academic problems; agitation - feeling "jumpy"; aggression; avoidance of reminders; behavior problems; clinginess to caregivers; depression; distractibility; emotional numbing; emotional changes; fear - feeling scared; fear of natural exploring; feelings of guilt; feelings of not belonging; flashbacks; general emotional distress; increased arousal; intrusive thoughts; insomnia; irritability; low levels of empathy; low self-esteem; nightmares; numbing of feelings; obsessive behaviors; phobias; poor problem-solving skills; posttraumatic stress disorder; revenge seeking; social problems; suicidal behaviors; truancy; withdrawal from activities.
Effects in Adulthood: alcohol abuse; depression; low self-esteem; violent practices in the home; criminal behavior; sexual problems; substance abuse." Excerpt taken here.


I designed a shirt today. I'll try &take a picture of it. I find myself breaking down often, usually with no apparent reason. Underlying all this, it's somewhat obvious. The pain, the scars - they're here to stay. Now what's left to do is how to deal with them.

Hello World.

Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'm never gonna heal.

The person I thought I was is slowly disintegrating in front of me &it still feels as if everyone is ignoring it. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling for help &yet crowds &crowds of people are walking past. These feelings come &go, but when they're here, the weight of an anvil is being forced onto my stomach.

My first session was helpful, it felt weird saying all my feelings out loud to an objective person. I felt as if I let go of such a huge burden. My week following that was optimistic, like my hopeful self came back. My second session, I was happy as a clam. I was a completely different person from the week before, unknowing @how I let myself get that far in my thoughts &feel so helpless. Now? After this weekend, I see that my mood isn't like normal mood swings. It isn't just a little, insignificant "phase" I'm going through like some of my friends are treating it. No, if you leave me alone for a few hours, it won't get any better. I'm screaming for help. It's draining. It hurts. My counselor noticed a feeling that usually pushes me off the edge. Interestingly enough, when I was speaking, I noticed it as well. What am I so afraid of? Being alone. No, not a "I'm clingy, I need someone beside me always" type of alone. [All this writing about my sessions make me feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself more that my readers that I'm not "crazy," but just going through some things.] I don't want to get too deep into these things because, after all, this is a public blog. Let's just say I harmed myself a couple times a few years ago that are very similar to some feelings now. Looking @it, I do have a huge problem with feeling alone. Although independent, I have a great support system. However, when this support system feels as if they are no longer behind me, everything falls apart.

&Everything has been falling apart.

I don't know, I'm always trying to find the silver lining in all this in order for me to not get too far. I see this as a lesson. I see this as finding out who I am. I see this as finding out who constitutes my true support system. I'm realizing who my real friends are. &That scares me. Why, you ask? Because the friends who I have sworn have grown apart from me are perhaps my most genuine friends. &The friends that I had faith that understood me are running for the hills. Yet, aside from all this, I still feel so so lonely. It's all in my mind, but I can't stop it. It's eating me apart &I'm watching from the side lines. I always thought that people could control this, but I just don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm constantly keeping my faith in God, praying, enjoying myself when I do have my good days & not allowing injury to myself. I'm taking this day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. Literally.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way. I don't know if I am relating to you. I don't know if I am boring you. All-in-all, I just hope that you are able to shine like you're supposed to. I'm trying to get back on my path to sunshine. It's just going to take some time. So please, take care of yourselves.

I won't stop writing.

Quote of the Day.

I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.
-Roger Ebert

At the latter end of this emotional roller coaster I have been riding, his words truly echo in my ears. &Hopefully it inspires you, as well.

Quote of the Day.

I just want to start again &maybe you could show me how to try. &Maybe you could take me in - somewhere underneath your skin.
What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge?
-Lea Michele in Glee (Original by Celine Dion)

He would be so damn good for me right now.

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Quote of the Day to Last a Lifetime.

Everything that my brother has told me.

With him by my side, I am able to be strong, overcome struggles &fight against my greatest enemy, myself. I cannot be more thankful to God or to the universe or to Allah for allowing me to have such a strong pillar in my life.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?

Photograph by Jeanette Sinh

Hello, anyone out there. It's Christia - a different young woman from whom you knew before, if you knew her at all. I've decided to finally get some help. Going against all my beliefs of seeming weak, seeming crazy &being an inconvenience, I'm going to do it. It has been difficult for me to speak up lately &even harder for me to be heard. If I were them, I wouldn't want to hear my crazy stories either, you know? However, it is I who must go through all this. Again. I guess I forgot how alone this feels because when I was younger, I had my imagination, some of my childhood &my little distractions. This time, I have my sanity that I'm trying to hold on to, my tears to hold back, &my thoughts that have to be kept in check before I go a little too far. I'm hanging off the edge &it's miserable, desolate &worse of all, it's completely lonesome. I miss my own smile for God's sake. I miss the room smiling back @me instead of ignoring me. I miss having my friends acting like friends.

I spoke about cycles before &this cycle that I'm currently going through (one that I refuse to diagnose myself) just keeps getting worse &worse. It's somewhat like the harmful stress eating cycle. You eat because you're sad, but you're sad because you eat. I'm sad because I'm undesired goods, but I'm undesired because I'm sad. I feel as if I'm about to explode &no one gives a fuck. &It's not like I wanted to get help in the first place because I felt that this would pass. I thought I hit rock-bottom weeks ago. I thought there was no where to go but up. However, with every day that passes, it feels worse. I think to myself, "Another day of suffering?" Suffering: it's such a strong word. I never fully understood anyone suffering from such emotions was legitimate. Sure, I felt sympathy. I had such thoughts myself. However, never to this extent. The extent that you feel like you can't ever go back. You can't go back to who you were &you can't see the light at the other end of the tunnel. All you see is darkness around you. I see no end in sight &that's my fear. I'm alone in the dark. I try asking for God's help, but I never hear back from Him, nor any of His messengers. I feel as if He &everyone else around me (but a select few) want to just shun me away.

I have always wondered if there would ever be a day in which when I'd go to sleep at night &wake up in the morning, I would not feel refreshed &happy again. Now every morning when I awake, I wonder how anyone who has compassion &empathy would allow me to go on this way. I have lost who I am. My spirits are being crushed with each continuing day. My once hopeful essence has been replaced with an essence that has no apparent purpose. My balanced nature has tipped over to the side of anguish &pain. I'm careless, hopeless, &everything that I hate.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.

Quote of the Day.

Just when I had you off my head, your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed.
-"All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" by John Mayer

&Yet, you still have that effect on me.

Cycles.

I would like to explain two patterns that have always affected the better part of my life. Let me explain first, however, that everything that I have endured, was forced to go through - all of that - I take on dauntlessly. I would rather have bad done unto me because I know I will try my best to get through it than have it done unto someone else. I'd gladly take on the suffering of someone else as long as they are happy and functional. Now, we will continue.

#1: We all know the kind of person you are: confrontational, stubborn, always right (or at least believes so), and incapable to learn these lessons because of the prior mentioned traits. I made a decision to stay away from all that because I know that because of your closed-mindedness, I would only be hindered as a person, my spirit would only be crushed, our relationship could no longer grow. However, with others, because they aren't around you 24/7, they can deal with you. "Small doses only, please," they say. Other times, you have cycles with your close relationships. You're their absolute "go-to" person for about a month or two. Then, a snag on the road comes along, be it distance, lack of communication, or a misunderstanding &you fall apart. Slowly, of course. You don't want to make it seem like it was your problem this person must get away from you. Then, after the person decides to forget about it, you swoop in &act strikingly amicable. A relationship begins once again. This cycle goes on &on until the person finally gets tired of it. Others aren't around you long enough to feel the restraint this makes on one's life. They don't feel the pain that is present when they are constantly not listened to or understood. They want to be the better person &forget about it, giving you a chance to learn from that mistake because, after all, we are accepting you back. Then, it happens again. I could go through this because, ultimately, I knew what I had to do in these situations - get away from you. I noticed it was a parasitic relationship and you will never learn. I realized that through all the smiles &laughs we had, you would only bring me down &take advantage of me. However, getting a call in the middle of the night from a teary-eyed friend is never what I want. I'd rather endure your faux friendship than have something happen to someone absolutely lovely and make it be multiplied by 24331874801740. Learn your lesson, please. Break off this habit. Exit this cycle.

#2: This cycle shouldn't even be mentioned with the above cycle that is so obviously &apparently superficial and due to ignorance. This cycle is about mental disorders. Somewhat. I feel as if my family issues are a vacuum leading to a horrific, decaying abyss. The cycle of abuse haunts me to this day. Maybe I'll elaborate later on in a delayed post, but now I will just explain the main points. I am tired of his cycles. Like I said before, I felt the verbal, emotional and physical pain he forced upon me. &Yet, I lived. I am a survivor. However, to other people who do not understand you as well as I do &feel nothing but love &patience for you are damaged and wounded by you. Nothing can stop you. You are your own parasite. As much as I love you, you must learn to see that all this is a recurring trauma that you have done unto yourself. Not only are you hurting yourself, but you are hurting all of us. In more ways than one. We're done with the excuses, the false hope, &tending to your every desire. You do not deserve all that we are providing for you. No one owes you anything. I don't know when I'll be able to move past this when you can't. You are our restraint. We want to break free, but more importantly, we want to break free with you by our sides.

I'm tired of all these patterns, routines, cycles. We need to be let go of, be uncontrolled, be listened to, be understood &most of all be able to move on.

Humility.

After all that has happened in these past few days, I think it's about time I search through my roots. I feel like a 78 year old grandmother with the amount of social activity I'm doing, my new interests, and my homebody nature. This is definitely helping me get to the source of all my stress and constant thinking.

Appearance and reality is not my liking nowadays. I'm just trying to understand my motives better and know why things bother me the way they do. Maybe it's just a phase in my life, but if you knew my family history of these "phases" lasting longer than they are supposed to, you'd be afraid, too.

While things are currently being put into perspective for me, I know that the people I have decided to keep in my life were chosen correctly. I cannot be more humbled to be able to go through all these experiences with these people as my support group. Of course, there are a few individuals I constantly think about &will never stop caring for, but I know this is a lesson that must be experienced and learned from.

You'll see the sun come shining through - for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
"Smile" by Charlie Chaplin

Quote of the Day.

It's like I'm just not me if I can't be a sad, sad song. It's like I love this pain a little too much. I love my heart all busted up.
-Lady Antebellum

I love having hope, I love falling when there's no one around to catch me. ...I'll free-fall for a while.