Hello World.

Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'm never gonna heal.

The person I thought I was is slowly disintegrating in front of me &it still feels as if everyone is ignoring it. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling for help &yet crowds &crowds of people are walking past. These feelings come &go, but when they're here, the weight of an anvil is being forced onto my stomach.

My first session was helpful, it felt weird saying all my feelings out loud to an objective person. I felt as if I let go of such a huge burden. My week following that was optimistic, like my hopeful self came back. My second session, I was happy as a clam. I was a completely different person from the week before, unknowing @how I let myself get that far in my thoughts &feel so helpless. Now? After this weekend, I see that my mood isn't like normal mood swings. It isn't just a little, insignificant "phase" I'm going through like some of my friends are treating it. No, if you leave me alone for a few hours, it won't get any better. I'm screaming for help. It's draining. It hurts. My counselor noticed a feeling that usually pushes me off the edge. Interestingly enough, when I was speaking, I noticed it as well. What am I so afraid of? Being alone. No, not a "I'm clingy, I need someone beside me always" type of alone. [All this writing about my sessions make me feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself more that my readers that I'm not "crazy," but just going through some things.] I don't want to get too deep into these things because, after all, this is a public blog. Let's just say I harmed myself a couple times a few years ago that are very similar to some feelings now. Looking @it, I do have a huge problem with feeling alone. Although independent, I have a great support system. However, when this support system feels as if they are no longer behind me, everything falls apart.

&Everything has been falling apart.

I don't know, I'm always trying to find the silver lining in all this in order for me to not get too far. I see this as a lesson. I see this as finding out who I am. I see this as finding out who constitutes my true support system. I'm realizing who my real friends are. &That scares me. Why, you ask? Because the friends who I have sworn have grown apart from me are perhaps my most genuine friends. &The friends that I had faith that understood me are running for the hills. Yet, aside from all this, I still feel so so lonely. It's all in my mind, but I can't stop it. It's eating me apart &I'm watching from the side lines. I always thought that people could control this, but I just don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm constantly keeping my faith in God, praying, enjoying myself when I do have my good days & not allowing injury to myself. I'm taking this day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. Literally.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way. I don't know if I am relating to you. I don't know if I am boring you. All-in-all, I just hope that you are able to shine like you're supposed to. I'm trying to get back on my path to sunshine. It's just going to take some time. So please, take care of yourselves.

I won't stop writing.