In the light of the sun, is there anyone?

Photograph by Jeanette Sinh

Hello, anyone out there. It's Christia - a different young woman from whom you knew before, if you knew her at all. I've decided to finally get some help. Going against all my beliefs of seeming weak, seeming crazy &being an inconvenience, I'm going to do it. It has been difficult for me to speak up lately &even harder for me to be heard. If I were them, I wouldn't want to hear my crazy stories either, you know? However, it is I who must go through all this. Again. I guess I forgot how alone this feels because when I was younger, I had my imagination, some of my childhood &my little distractions. This time, I have my sanity that I'm trying to hold on to, my tears to hold back, &my thoughts that have to be kept in check before I go a little too far. I'm hanging off the edge &it's miserable, desolate &worse of all, it's completely lonesome. I miss my own smile for God's sake. I miss the room smiling back @me instead of ignoring me. I miss having my friends acting like friends.

I spoke about cycles before &this cycle that I'm currently going through (one that I refuse to diagnose myself) just keeps getting worse &worse. It's somewhat like the harmful stress eating cycle. You eat because you're sad, but you're sad because you eat. I'm sad because I'm undesired goods, but I'm undesired because I'm sad. I feel as if I'm about to explode &no one gives a fuck. &It's not like I wanted to get help in the first place because I felt that this would pass. I thought I hit rock-bottom weeks ago. I thought there was no where to go but up. However, with every day that passes, it feels worse. I think to myself, "Another day of suffering?" Suffering: it's such a strong word. I never fully understood anyone suffering from such emotions was legitimate. Sure, I felt sympathy. I had such thoughts myself. However, never to this extent. The extent that you feel like you can't ever go back. You can't go back to who you were &you can't see the light at the other end of the tunnel. All you see is darkness around you. I see no end in sight &that's my fear. I'm alone in the dark. I try asking for God's help, but I never hear back from Him, nor any of His messengers. I feel as if He &everyone else around me (but a select few) want to just shun me away.

I have always wondered if there would ever be a day in which when I'd go to sleep at night &wake up in the morning, I would not feel refreshed &happy again. Now every morning when I awake, I wonder how anyone who has compassion &empathy would allow me to go on this way. I have lost who I am. My spirits are being crushed with each continuing day. My once hopeful essence has been replaced with an essence that has no apparent purpose. My balanced nature has tipped over to the side of anguish &pain. I'm careless, hopeless, &everything that I hate.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.