Quote of the Day.

It's not like I'm not trying 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once. &I close my eyes &I kiss that frog, each time finding the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.
-"The More Boys I Meet" by Carrie Underwood

Story of my life.

Quote of the Day.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
-Rose Dawson in "Titanic"

Surely.

Closer.

The toxins in my blood can't compare to the way you get my heart pumping. I lie awake with increased blood pressure, increased rate of breathing &a trembling like no other. I've admired you from afar for the longest time. I don't even think you know my name. Crazily, I feel like I've known you forever. No, not the "I knew I loved you before I met you" crap. I feel like you have been in my life, but I never really noticed. You were indirectly a part of my life. We're not strangers, but we might as well be - it would be better for my thumping heart at 3AM, three hours after I stopped consuming so much alcohol. My mind is in a state of chaos. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? So many possibilities, but with these thoughts, I know I shall decide by not deciding. I shall lie here, lying to myself that you really don't mean as much as I've believed. It's just a little crush, right? Yet, I can't fall asleep. My concience is yelling, "Do something!" My subconcience is yelling, "Get up, stupid!" Yet, I just so badly want to be unconscious. But then, I know he'll just walk away with me not being a significant part of his night, while he has been this to me. Right now, he seems like he's so so perfect for me. I'm willing to take that risk. But there's one huge hurdle - a hurdle that cannot be overlooked. &Here it is apparent I cannot be anything to this man. The man that I've been dreaming about since I can remember. I don't even know if my intentions are correct. I so badly want to be with him &I have a big feeling it would all work out. However, I kind of want to be with him so all this hype could diminish. He's on a pedestal - he's my paradigm.

Oh eff. The last time I wrote about "the perfect guy for me," I actually had him - or thought I had him &his godliness dissipated into a gas of boyhood. Maybe I'm just waiting to be disappointed yet again. However, I'm still willing to take that risk. See, if #1 didn't happen, then where would all my cool stories come from? Ha, no. I learned a lot from him. Maybe I just want to get hurt all over again with this guy. I want his dangerous "perfect aura" to be broken &mean nothing at all to me anymore. Yet realistically, I don't think #1 ever stopped meaning anything to me.

Did I even learn anything from #1? Why do I still want to pursue something with #2? The ties I had to get to #1 were cut off soon after. I can't get my ties with #2 to get cut off. These ties are thicker than blood - or rather, they are BLOOD. So I guess that's how I'll end tonight. With my learned wisdom of sticking to my loyalty.

Or does this just sound like a bunch of bullshit &I'm ending it with my cowardice?

If these walls were thinner, if you were closer, if you knew my innermost desires, if I knew yours, if it could all piece together like an elegant, traditional love story with an ending that I lie awake yearning for.

&All this for a man who fails to notice me. I'm a Taylor Swift song all over again.

Update: He came out, walked away. &Folks, that is how this story has ended.

Quote of the Day.

Don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.
-Walk Two Moons

Walk Two Moons.

"Seeing you... I never want to be in that position again."

Guess my life's that miserable if a friend would say that to me. I thought I was overreacting. Yet, no one around me can even see the good.

That's just plain wonderful.

Loyalty

Nowadays, loyalty means nothing. Such a blunt statement to say, but through these past few weeks - or even months - word means nothing. I automatically completely trust everyone around me. I am vulnerable to all my friends. I pamper them, feed them &support them through anything. Well you know what they say, "do unto others what you want them to do unto you?" I put out good karma. Pay it forward. But where is it all? Are my values now extinct? Have corruption, selfishness &pride taken over humanity? I begin to lose more &more faith in mankind. In religion. In faith. In promises. "Take what you can get" has been universalized to all aspects of everyone's lives - even those special relationships &friendships.

I feel like I can't even talk about being a good friend because, low &behold, where are my closest friends? Makes you wonder what the hell went wrong in how I was made. How can everyone lack consideration, discreetness, &proper reading of body languange? I had a strange dream during one of my naps. You know, one of those dreams when you wake up short of breath, wide-eyed &scared as hell. I believe my dream contained many motifs going on since the past week: my constant realization of my biological clock, my desire for stability, &friendship. I was asked if I would ever give a chance to someone who will remain unnamed. &Right now, I am indifferent. I will not ask for her help or reach out to her; however, I will not decline in conversation. This shows that it really isn't a priority for me right now. Yes, I miss them truly, but like I said before, they lack the consideration friends are supposed to have. It hurt a lot to find some things this week ¬ice some things this week, too. I constantly say that I want to fast-forward to the end of this semester. This desire has increased.

Me being me, I want to find solutions to these problems. However, confrontation &anger are not my kind of style. With these people, that would do the trick. I guess playing uncle replaced loyalty between the two people that used to be the best of friends. What a shame.

Not Good Enough?

I forgot how it felt to get all dolled-up &get attention. These days, the only people that I catch the attention of are my teachers - since I'm all about my classes! I walked out of here tonight feeling tastefully sexy, if I must say so myself. I forgot about all the things I don't like about myself &I rolled with it. What did I get out of it? The best customer service &double takes all night! This will be the only time you'll hear me talking like this. There is a point to all this nonsense &I'm getting there. It made me realize that I don't give myself the credit I deserve in mostly all aspects of my life. At first glance, it may be because of my culture. &Hey, it just may be that. However, it just may be deeper than that also. No matter how well I do in school, I can never be satisfied with myself. I get a B, it ruins my whole week. I get a 92; why didn't I get a 100? I get a 100 &A's in every class; they were too easy for me, I wasn't challenged. It's never enough for me &it makes me wonder. If it's not enough for me now, when will it be? There will always be something that I would want to change about my body. There will always be something I would want to change in my study skills. There will always be something I would want to change in socializing. There is always something. I've never actually sat down, realized all of my accomplishments &allow self-acceptance. There's a little girl in me who's hurt from all the abuse. &I'm allowing the abuse to continue. We all want someone to be proud of us - maybe we're just waiting for us to be proud of us.

If you constantly self-doubt, when one small rejection comes along, it will be a big blow to your already-scarred, fragile ego. I'm lucky I have hope - I think that one day I will obtain something (I'm still not sure what that ultimate something is..) &I'll finally be OKAY. That's not gonna happen. We can't just wait on things. We can't wait for ourselves to change. We have to look deeper inside ourselves or else we're gonna lose all of it - all of the raw vulnerability to our most genuine desires, fears, needs.

I do so much, but I can't ever look at it &let it reach the little girl inside me. It's as if there is an interpreter inside me, interpreting all the good things I'm doing as mediocre or unacceptable. &All that little girl can hear is the bad. I'm tired of hearing the bad! There are so many people in my life that I appreciate, but I can't even fully appreciate myself. I'm in a mid-mid-midlife crisis. I'm growing up.

My counselor said I should let this marinate in me before our next session. I still can't understand how I can fix it - or if it even can be fixed. Maybe it just needs to be understood. This "me" business is very, very new. Especially when this "me" seems to be changing basically hourly, with every environmental change or human interaction.

I think my mind is opening up (&I thought it couldn't be more open!). I'm seeing the bigger picture &stepping back. Maybe answers aren't the goal for all this. Maybe I just might be good enough - the perfect me.

Rejection.

Let me start off with this: I have never, never been rejected by a school before. Or anything academic. &What do I read today once I get off of lab? "Unfortunately......" That's enough. &Not to mention, I haven't even heard from any of the other places except NIH saying my application is under review. Great.

&I know what it sounds like, "Boo hoo, I'm smart and got rejected by one school, a school I didn't even want to apply to." However, when everything in the rest of your life seems to be going down, the only thing you can control is your goals. The one thing that doesn't change in this ever-changing world, ever-disappointing world is where you choose to direct yourself for the future. My academics were it. They were the love of my life &God, did they love me back. Or so I thought.

I don't see the light @the end of the tunnel just yet. I'm still waiting for that. I'm thinking that maybe I'm not meant to go there. After all, God closes a door, but opens a window. Something like that. As of now, I'm sitting in a very unventilated room - no windows, locked doors, no sunlight in sight. I really don't know how I sunk back here. I was doing really well. Maybe it's just a bad day. I'm hoping for tomorrow to be good. I try my hardest to not get pulled into the gravity of all this.

With rejection, you just have to take it how it is. One "no" doesn't mean an "always no." It means a no for right now, for this.

Goodbye UCSD, I hardly knew thee.

Quote of the Day.

You fathers will understand. You have a little girl, an adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine, how she used to love to sit on my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older, and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her.
-George on Father of the Bride

Through all the tough times we've been through together as a family, the good is still outweighing the bad. It's better to have a few bad times with your father than not having them @all or having to endure constant, never-ending abuse. I always say I want a daughter if I ever have a child, not because I want a mini-me - far from it. It is because I know that there is no other relationship than a father-daughter relationship. No matter how many times we clash, I love my father for being the man he is today, not yesterday.

&It's not even Father's Day yet! I ♥ Father of the Bride.

True Colors.

I'll be going to Greece from May 20 - May 30 !!!
Now that's a relief.

I cannot be any more grateful for the people I have in my life. As a recollection, the past couple weeks were tough on me. It has been better since then &this is all because of the great support system backing me up. Feeling helpless, worthless, &undeserving is never a feeling I want anyone in the universe to feel. Without being able to talk about this to my closest friends, I don't know how I would have been able to hold on. I can honestly say that I saw all my friends' true colors. I learn from every single one of them every day. Every day is a challenge &I know that I am strong enough to embark on this journey of life. One of my closest friends told me, "Maybe all the tribulations you've encountered in the past &the rough times you're seeing now is only a small price to pay for your huge aspirations." This is all a test on me &my priorities. The only constants were school &family. I continue to achieve all that I desire in academics. I see that blood runs thicker than all.

These next two months are going to be a struggle, no doubt. However, I will hurdle over them in order to get to the greener, brighter side: Greece &Summer research.

I'm not alone &I will not take all my achievements, my potential, my learned life lessons &experiences for granted. I am stronger for realizing I needed help &have obtained it. Only I have the power to change &control myself, just like you do unto you. I thank all of those who have been there for me &continue to be here for me. However, I do not thank you for getting me to this point. I know I am where I need to me - &this is because of God's/the universe's/Allah's help.

My true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. ♥