Not Good Enough?

I forgot how it felt to get all dolled-up &get attention. These days, the only people that I catch the attention of are my teachers - since I'm all about my classes! I walked out of here tonight feeling tastefully sexy, if I must say so myself. I forgot about all the things I don't like about myself &I rolled with it. What did I get out of it? The best customer service &double takes all night! This will be the only time you'll hear me talking like this. There is a point to all this nonsense &I'm getting there. It made me realize that I don't give myself the credit I deserve in mostly all aspects of my life. At first glance, it may be because of my culture. &Hey, it just may be that. However, it just may be deeper than that also. No matter how well I do in school, I can never be satisfied with myself. I get a B, it ruins my whole week. I get a 92; why didn't I get a 100? I get a 100 &A's in every class; they were too easy for me, I wasn't challenged. It's never enough for me &it makes me wonder. If it's not enough for me now, when will it be? There will always be something that I would want to change about my body. There will always be something I would want to change in my study skills. There will always be something I would want to change in socializing. There is always something. I've never actually sat down, realized all of my accomplishments &allow self-acceptance. There's a little girl in me who's hurt from all the abuse. &I'm allowing the abuse to continue. We all want someone to be proud of us - maybe we're just waiting for us to be proud of us.

If you constantly self-doubt, when one small rejection comes along, it will be a big blow to your already-scarred, fragile ego. I'm lucky I have hope - I think that one day I will obtain something (I'm still not sure what that ultimate something is..) &I'll finally be OKAY. That's not gonna happen. We can't just wait on things. We can't wait for ourselves to change. We have to look deeper inside ourselves or else we're gonna lose all of it - all of the raw vulnerability to our most genuine desires, fears, needs.

I do so much, but I can't ever look at it &let it reach the little girl inside me. It's as if there is an interpreter inside me, interpreting all the good things I'm doing as mediocre or unacceptable. &All that little girl can hear is the bad. I'm tired of hearing the bad! There are so many people in my life that I appreciate, but I can't even fully appreciate myself. I'm in a mid-mid-midlife crisis. I'm growing up.

My counselor said I should let this marinate in me before our next session. I still can't understand how I can fix it - or if it even can be fixed. Maybe it just needs to be understood. This "me" business is very, very new. Especially when this "me" seems to be changing basically hourly, with every environmental change or human interaction.

I think my mind is opening up (&I thought it couldn't be more open!). I'm seeing the bigger picture &stepping back. Maybe answers aren't the goal for all this. Maybe I just might be good enough - the perfect me.