Quote of the Day.

I know there are things in my life that don't always work out the way I have planned them in my mind, but that's okay. I know that, at times, I have to step back &take a really good look at myself to understand me more - to understand myself better. I know I can be more confident &will be more confident in my life &the choices I make. I will not allow myself to be distracted from who I am &who I want to be.
-Clark Gonzales

He made me say this after an intense, meaningful conversation with him.

...It definitely helps.

Liberating.

On Friday, 6/25, I decided to take a chance. I got out of bed, walked to the Metro Station, and followed wherever the wind blew me towards. Where did I end up? Washington, D.C., of course! &Not just that - I found myself in front of the White House! It's such a liberating feeling to know I can just get up and venture out anywhere. I'd like to thank my Greece trip. In the words of Jeanette Sinh, "After being in Greece, no where in the world feels too far away." &It's true. I find myself in Bethesda, MD. I find myself enrolled in the Rapid Rewards for Southwest Airlines. This Summer, I found myself in Athens, Mykonos, Santorini, Ios, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Nashville, Orlando, Virginia, and now Maryland. If you asked me last year what I'd be doing in the Summer of 2010, I would have probably said going to parties in Los Angeles and venturing my town again. However, I would have been quite wrong. That's the thing with life - you think one thing will happen &something totally new occurs instead. &Being me, that would frustrate me. I'm the kind of person that plans everything. If something goes wrong, I'm sad about it for quite a while. (I'll post a quote soon of what my cousin told me.) This year, I have found that "good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I try not to attach myself to an idea or a plan anymore. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed. Going with the flow isn't such a bad thing. Come on, I thought I was going to become a nurse, marry my high school sweetheart &become a housewife &mother by the time I turn 22. Less that 4 months till my 21st birthday, we can all see that that dream can no longer come true. (Well, it can, but that's not my dream anymore.) When that relationship ended, I was devastated. However, that was only because I didn't know what my future would look like. &Look at me now, I have amazing friends, went to Hawaii, Sydney, Greece, and am now living on the east coast. If things don't work out with the Medical Scientist program, if I lose some friends, it'll still be okay. I still have faith. I guess that's what my point is. I needed to get through all of that tough stuff to get to where I am now. I'm not saying I'm wise or anything, I have learned that I'm so far from that. I'm saying that I believe I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. &This feeling is absolutely liberating. Hey, I might find myself in Atlanta in a couple days. Or Orlando. Or NYC. I don't know. &Not knowing is wonderful at the moment.

Changed.

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in the beginning of May - a boy who would be hopelessly devoted to me, a beautiful romance, having a bright future set with an engagement and children years after. Easy, right? For such a hopeless romantic, I thought it was. However, events since then have changed my mind. I'm done thinking about forever. Caring for someone who cares for me just as much is enough. I don't need a "final destination" just yet. I'm having fun with someone and getting to know someone. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? Why do we use labels when trust and communication is enough? I'm tired of looking for the "bad" signs. I'm tired of looking for excuses to leave my heart closed. I'm not in love, but I'm ready to feel again. &This - this makes me feel. It makes me feel worthy again. It helps me see that I have my whole life ahead of me. If you knew me in April, you know I've come a long way. April was a rough month for me that tore me down and left me as scraps. My trip in Greece and taking chances like this have helped me pick up the pieces again. It feels good to be able to trust people again - my friends, my cousin, my brother.

There doesn't have to be a big picture just yet. There doesn't have to be a promise of forever, because I could care less about forever right now. All I care about is building myself back up and being the best friend and person I can be. All I care about is blowing away the haze that blurred up my life in the months prior to my trip.

I think I've changed. For the better.

Now, let's see how my internship goes! That will bring in a new adventure in &of itself.

Quote of the Day.

I'm on my own. &Just like every Sunday, I called mama up last night. &Even when it's not, I tell her everything's alright. Before we hung up, I said, 'Hey mama, don't forget to tell my [brothers] I'll see them in the fall. &Tell [lola] that I miss her. Yeah, I should give her a call. &Make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl. Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Don't forget to remember me.'

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray. I haven't done this in a while, so I don't know what to say, but 'Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big old place. Yeah, I know there are more important things, but don't forget to remember me.'
-"Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood

I miss familiar faces, familiar places.

Quote of the Day.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
-"Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Baby, won't you get them if I did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

2,513.

I lay awake knowing I'm leaving the west coast in a couple days. Exactly how many days? I don't know. Why? I might stop by another state before heading to Bethesda.

This is crazy. It's insane. It's illogical. I get it. But why am I still considering it?

I'm impulsive. I act on instinct. I follow my heart. I don't have reasons for my actions, at least not anything I can easily describe. I've fallen so many times without being caught that I'm used to it. Fuck yes, I'm scared. The first night you told me to take a chance on you. But what you don't understand is that I've taken chances on so many boys who never intended to stay. What's the difference?

Show me the difference. I'm discombobulated. I'm scattered. You're so, so far away.

Quote of the Day.

Long distance relationships never work.
-'Cupcake' episode of "How I Met Your Mother"

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Greece 2010.

Photo courtesy of Jeanette SInh.

A lot can happen in the span of 11 days. The Greece trip with Jeanette was LEGEN... wait for it. DARY.

I met new family, saw the beauty of Athens, Santorini, Mykonos, and Ios, ate delicious meals, and drank the nights away. I live with no regrets and this trip will forever live in my memory. From Spiros to Starney Binson, from roomies to Acropolis, from shopping to sunsets, from ferry rides to landscapes, from windmills to bar hopping, from tanning to watching flip cup, from videos to engagements, the adventure was spectacular. I've made new friends from around the nation as well as strengthened my friendship with one of my longtime friends, Jeanette Sinh. I remember her telling me, "I'm going to miss Greek Jeanette. Los Angeles Jeanette was boring. Greek Jeanette is so much fun." In a way, this is true. We all unleashed a side of us that no one really sees in reality. We were vulnerable to everything Greece and we shared this experience with one another. I guess that's why we miss each other so much. It was like a reverse culture shock when we returned to our current hometowns. Our eyes have been opened to such happiness only to return to the lifestyle that once was enough for us. In Athens, we bonded with the local Greeks, heard their stories, saw a little bit of what they saw everyday. In Santorini, we saw just how beautiful a sunset can really be, we climbed a volcano, smelled the sulfur from its core, some jumped into the sea to swim to the hot springs, we all sailed on a beautiful boat, visited the small, awe-inspiring village of Thirasia, climbed up to Oia, and saw a beautiful Greek man. In Mykonos, we lived it up in the Skandinavian bar and the Bar Down Under. We danced, we lived freely, we truly let go. Flip cup was played, Paradise Beach was visited, and the town of Mykonos will never look the same. Personally, Mykonos holds a very special place in my heart. I got to know the town, got a Henna tattoo with people I will forever keep in my heart, joked around with a clown with perverse skills, and bonded deeply with someone special. In Ios, (although I look at it with anger) we met Australians and Canadians. Flip cup was played yet again, mimosa domination (in Lauren's words) was done, detox failures were glorious, engagements were made, commitment was thrown onto the table. I know that the feelings I felt in Greece will forever be felt in my heart. It is as if I left a part of myself in those towns, as well as found a lot of myself there. No matter where we all are in a week, in a month, in years, I know I will always look back at my Greek family with love - with genuine feelings of gratitude, caring, and happiness.

This trip has further ignited my faith that everything happens for reason. To my Greek family, thank you for the adventures.

Mom's Message.

I think you’re in love, but this must only be temporary.
You just got back from your 10-day vacation. Of course, you’re getting to miss a lot of fun and pleasure.
Just stand still and be mature, there are a lot of guys waiting for you when you’re done with your schooling.
Please take it from your experienced “mom” and I learned this sayings to my “mom” too.
Hwag kang pabigla-bigla, [Don't rush.] think about your future. I don’t think that I was too late to give you some advice.

I love you Babes !
Mom

I love my mom. Smart woman.