Quote of the Day.

If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?

-"Infatuation" by Maroon 5

Mmm, this feels familiar.

Drospirenone &Ethinyl Estradiol.

So, reading through all of my October posts, it's obvious that the majority of them were about a certain someone. Aren't they all? Realizing all that I put myself through, it's foolish - it all was. No, I don't regret it, but I think it's hilarious how I allow myself to be defeated by such feelings. Maybe it's the extra hormones talking or maybe it's just me coming to my senses. Nevertheless, I'm excited for Wednesday when I leave for the ABRCMS Conference.

Actually, there is one more thing that is bugging me. A particular "break up," actually. If it feels like a break-up, acts like a break-up &forces you to deal with specific situations like a break-up, it's a break-up. &That's my official name for it. ...&Just like a break-up, I don't turn around &ask for the other person back. When I have my mind set, oh baby, it's set. The only thing I do ask for after a break-up is consideration. The one thing I never get back is consideration. So I know you're doing what you're doing, but don't come back around when you feel like it &play with me. My eyes have opened, the blinders are off. Don't restrict me from the world - I'm freeeee. ♥

Quote of the Day.

Because it feels so good. Even just having someone tangible to dream about. It's a double-ended sword.

-Jeanette Sinh

I'm stuck on a feeling, on a dream. Dreams don't die. There's pain either way. We just have to learn to put it aside &move on for the moment. He's everything I want &I don't know why.

A First for Everything.

Well baby you can try to tell me how it is &try to justify everything you did, but honey I'm no fool &I've been down this road too many times with you - I think it's best you go. Well you got nerve to waltz right in &think what's mine is yours again. I've been doing fine without you.

It scares me to know that this will be the first time I'll ever be walking away from anyone. God knows I always stick through till the end, but the truth is that I'm so much better without you.

I'm done with the immaturity, tantrums &let-downs. The passiveness, bottling up of emotions &breakdowns.

Honestly, I'm walking away this time.

Rescue You.

I saw someone worth saving.

Ten Days.

Ten days &I'll be heading to Phoenix for the much-anticipated trip to the ABRCMS National Conference.

It's still all surreal for me. It's scary. I just had an incredibly deep talk with a friend yesterday &honestly, of all the bad luck I complain about having, I'm still lucky to have what I have - to be able to have opportunities like this.

I feel like this trip, regardless of how small and how close by Arizona is, will make me see things differently, or even change me. It's just a feeling. I think it will be good of me to go away from LA for a bit. Away from the Mount. Away from Eagle Rock. Away from Riverside. Away from West Hollywood. Away from Pasadena. &Away from all the people in it &in between.

All my other getaways include having someone with me - always having one constant. But this time, it'll be different. I'll be away from everyone I love &for some weird reason, I'm kind of looking forward to it. Not to say I don't like being with my loved ones. It's just that I'll finally be able to focus on my work and research - my future - without interruptions, distractions &emotional attachments.

Arizona, here I come. ♥

Quote of the Day.

It sucks always being the one before the one.

-Christia Sison

It's been a proven theory. &I'm scared. I need to be prepared.

Quote of the Day.

You need to watch my shitty driving &I need to watch over your emotions.

-Mariana Ruiz

Oh how many things can occur in a matter of 24 hours. We balance each other out. I keep her grounded, she tells me to shoot for the stars. I love this girl.

Happy.

Everyone's afraid, but if you don't even try, you'll constantly be left as the loser in this game we're all forced to play. We've all been hurt before, we've all "been there, done that." We can frequently predict how the next relationship is going to turn out, but is that enough to stop you from checking it out for yourself? Will it stop you from making a deep connection with someone who genuinely likes you &cares for you? Will it stop you from experiencing all those quiet moments, big laughs, beautiful sparks &everything in between? It may not end the way you want it, but honestly... You'd be able to say you cared for someone &was cared for. No one can say they don't want to feel desired, wanted, or needed. I'm sure everyone does. Then why push all that away? I'm not saying to love everyone that gives you the look. I'm saying to see what's out there. To give things a chance. Life's all about learning &gathering information in order to accomplish your goal - your meaning in life. If your meaning in life doesn't have anything to do with other people, then go ahead - fear love, or rather, the capability of feeling love. This isn't a serious thing. Who's to say if it could have been? I'm saying to open your eyes because fear's the only thing not letting you breathe.

I've finally let go &allowed myself to be just me. &I love being able to get out there &see what will come next. I don't care if I make a fool out of myself, end up stupidly heart-broken or waste nights sulking myself in my sorrow &misery. Yeah, it fuckin' hurts like a bitch, crippling you in every way possible, engulfing your mind during every second in the day. However, after those few nights of crying - literally or figuratively - I'm right back up, knowing better. I know more of what I want &what I don't want, how to do things &how not to do things. You - on the other hand - are abandoned due to not knowing, due to restraints, due to fear.

I'm not going to apologize for anything I do. I'm not going to regret every decision I've made that doesn't turn out the way I want it. There doesn't have to be a means to an end. There just has to be a path - either one that you follow or one that you make for yourself. Either way, don't be @a stand still. We're all better than that &I'm pretty sure we all deserve more than that.

Don't stop your instincts &as cliche as it may sound - follow your heart. You may not see it now, but one day, you'll finally be able to be happy.

Mysteries Solved.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

*My campus is a no-bike, no-skateboard area. I've biked in the Circle before with security watching.
*I absolutely adore my brothers - both of them.
*I love Tolstoy &have been in the process of reading Anna Karenina for 17 months now.
*I hate staying @home for longer than 12 hours - unless I'm sleeping.
*The only thing I look forward to in the holidays is working retail.
*I'm book-smart. I'm sooo not street-smart.
*I sometimes contemplate if the people who drive luxury cars know how much of a douche they are.
*I absolutely respect college basketball @the NBA. Lamar Odom♥.
*If I were to get a tattoo with words, it would be Adele's lyrics I have on the upper right-hand corner of my page.
*I have a rose sticker on my box cutter @work to remind me of working in Pasadena.
*The only music I won't listen to is heavy metal. Sorry. &Maybe trance, house &ska.
*If you don't like Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, I'll look @you funny... then try to convert you.
*I've decreased the amount of times I say, "that's what she said." But I'm constantly thinking it.
*"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be good. (Natasha Bedingfield)
*You can never be a glutton of naptime.
*If there were earmuffs for noses - nosemuffs - I'd be first in line to buy one.
*I hate when people have PowerPoint presentations &just read off the slide.
*I don't regret any decision I've made in my life.
*I've never crushed on anyone first, went out with them &then really like them - until this year.
*I'm not afraid of not being a teenager anymore - I've squeezed out everything there is I could out of my teenage years. I'm ready for my twenties!

&One for good luck: My favorite music artists that will never change are Christina Aguilera, John Legend, Michael Buble, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum &Kellie Pickler. I listen to music as a way of therapy. It keeps my sanity &acts like my fairy god-mother, always guiding me to the right direction.

Let's pray for this year to be blessed with love, life &living. [: