Quote of the Day.

OK, so what? I'm gonna run from every guy that doesn't like me?

...There's not gonna be anyone left.

-Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You

bahaha, so sad. I've always wanted to be someone's exception.

L'arte d'arrangiarsi.

Photograph by Jeanette Sinh

Translation: The art of making something from nothing.

At this point in my life, I'm not really sure if that's possible when considering my love life. (Or rather, my nonexistent love life.)

This coming 2010, I'm going to do the impossible. However, in order to this, I must let go of all that hinders me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that 11:59PM tonight would be a deadline. After that, I'll leave you in 2009.

You'll be the dream I leave behind, I'm too sad to say.

Tonight, this New Year's Eve, I'll be spending it with people I actually care about, not the people that I wanted to impress, that had the IQ of about 100, combined. I really don't know what will happen this coming new year. I have my goals intact. Honestly, I never would have believed myself if I knew what happened this year one year ago today. From friends lost to friends made again, from bottles of Jack Daniels to multiple cans of nasty beer, from dealing with heartbreak to developing new crushes, from dates to random make-out sessions (whore.), from family togetherness to family separation. I made the MARC program, went from a 3.7 GPA to a 3.6 GPA (no bueno), made amazing connections with grad schools and my own professors, went to Australia, San Francisco and Phoenix, gotten closer to Mariana, Jeanette, and Tiffani. I must say this was a successful year when thinking of all the great, amazing blessings I have been given. &To think of it, I was able to do all this without sexual indulgences. Yeah, if I told myself this last year, I would have been practically suicidal, to say the least. However, you deal. This year has been complicated enough, ask my friends.

I have no resolutions. I will just do what I always do - I'll follow my heart. You can't regret something because @that moment in time, you wanted it. &I don't do things unless I want it - bad.

Maybe 2009 was truly the definition of l'arte d'arrangiarsi. Let's do the impossible in 2010. ♥

Half of My Heart.

My imagination has formed you to be perfect - absolutely perfect. However, who you are, is much much more. I can't stress enough how dangerous this is. I love the potential of us. The potential that was completely demolished by you two months ago. Half of me says that I don't like you anymore, or rather that I cannot like you anymore. &This was working. The other half of me says to stay. This would be the death of me. As Jeanette told me before I spilled my heart to him, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." It just seems like I'm going back in circles &making the same mistakes. I'm gonna run ahead &interpret everything he does positively, giving me hope that maybe this time he really does like me. &Yet again, I'll scare him off &we'll separate. Doesn't he know that I still like him? He's oblivious to most, so I'm pretty sure this is all friendliness. This leaves me in utter agony. I know my friends hate when I'm like this, which is why they tell me to stay away. I don't know, maybe I just need to be pushed harder to the ground, have my heart break into a billion little pieces instead of a million, &have him kick me when I'm down. I know I told him we can still hang out &whatnot, but what I'm getting from him is a vibe that maybe he's turned around &FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT. Yeah, no I didn't believe that either.

If he's into me, he'd do anything to be with me. That's just how it is. No excuses. I can't believe I'm wasting blog space on him, mind space on him &hours of sleep over him.

@Least I'm going through this with Jeanette - even though that doesn't really make it any better. We just want to know like a band-aid. However, I do know already. That's the difference right there. What I'm asking now is... Did something change? Basically, Do you like me now? bahaha, I would do that every two months with him if I could! Yes, I would wait for him - which is incredibly pathetic, desperate, horrible, &heart-aching. I just want my thoughts to stop going @about 500mph &just focus on the real things rather than the imaginary. My mind can do wonders.

It's different with you. Ugh, that's how it always starts. I've dated guys before you &I've dated guys after you. Yet, you're the only one I want. After all, you're the highlight of my 2009. I don't know if that's pitiful, but it was one heck of a night. Even if you were late, didn't kiss me goodnight, or told me a secret that kinda crushed my heart a bit, you being you was matchless &incomparable. The conversation alone with you made my heart melt. The riskiness of trying new things, namely food was wonderful. Did I mention the conversation was great? We talked, I asked you questions &get this - I had questions to answer as well! Yes, I don't ask for much, but I have never felt so compatible or connected to a guy like that in a long time.

I don't know, maybe I'm just attracted to guys who are attracted to me. After all, there was a day you were attracted to me. Those days are long gone. I don't know you very well, but I'm pretty sure you're getting a little tired of your routines, your constant let-downs &heart-breaks, &the predictable. I don't know, but I feel like there is @least a tiny bit in you that does like me. (God, this sounds like begging now!) If it's there, I can justify these feelings. Don't tell me you're messed up or not up to a serious relationship when I never mentioned any of that. If you're not into me, tell me &most importantly, let me go. I just want to hear a guarantee that you will never like me in that way, that you will never look into my eyes with your giant brown liquid-center eyes, or that you will never kiss me without meaning it. That's not too hard to ask from a friend, is it?

Half of my heart has a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you.

Quote of the Day.

There's a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything &trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's not giving up - it's realizing you don't need certain people &the bullshit they bring into your life.

-Dr. Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy

After years of this quote being on my "Boxes" on Facebook, I finally saw it again &it struck a chord with me.
Time heals, don't harbor any hate. Life just... goes on.

Christmas '09.

Saint Dominic's Midnight Mass.

As I look at the children in the pews, I realize that time does not discriminate. These young ones were not even alive when I attended St. Dominic's Elementary School! I was raised in Eagle Rock, raised in Saint Dominic's. It makes me smile to think that these children will be raised in the same parish I was. I don't regret a thing.

One year ago today, I forgave my brother. Today, I cannot find myself to forgive. There is a purpose to this, however. I admitted that I do not have any issues, but maybe I just hide this well. My brother needs to grow up &no one can force him to do so but himself. I am the one that loves him the most, the one who knows him the most, &the one who misses him the most. I think to myself constantly, "What if it was me who was messed up? What if I absorbed all the pain &suffering he was forced to endure? How would he be?" I am stronger than he is, because of him. I know I can't blame myself forever for this, but it's sort of like "survivor's guilt." Why did it have to be me who survived? A large piece of himself died during that part of our lives. Ever since then, all the choices he made killed little pieces of him. Is he even there anymore? This is a yearning I do not think of because I know that if I do, I will be left absolutely heartbroken, crushed. This is not a break-up, falling out, unrequited loving, or anything of that sort. This is blood that cannot be helped, cannot be saved. Jesus saved us when he was born. CJ saved me from having his life. I can't help but see all the guilt I should be feeling - all the guilt I feel when I think of this.

What is religion? What is spirituality? What is forgiveness?

I apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic. I believe this is why I try to focus on things I can deal with - idiotic males.

Merry Christmas. I hope you can all find kindness and love in your hearts. &Most of all, I hope you can find peace.

Quote of the Day.

I don't like the guy. But I realized that you are sma[r]ter and better than him and would never settle for less.

-Mariana Ruiz

Thanks for the gift! Thanks for this - you opened my eyes.

Bullshit Aside.

My headaches are worrying me. I didn't think much of it these past few months even if 75% of the time I would feel them. I just didn't think much of it. But this month? It happens daily. Aspirin everyday. Unbearable head pain. &Just recently, hard pressure on my chest. Heart spasms. I don't know.

I promise, I'm going to get checked out soon. But knowing my luck... But let's not talk about it. My friends get pissed if I start talking this way.

It may be nothing. Please, let it be nothing.

Quote of the Day.

&Then, there's another kind of love - the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one-sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. ... I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not &will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

-Iris on "The Holiday"

A face on a lover with a fire in her heart. A woman undercover, but you tore me apart.

Greener Pastures.

Yeah, they talk about her. She smiles like she's so tough. She says, "Hey, can you talk a little louder? I don't think my heart is broken enough."

The happiest place on earth will always make me happy. With great company &great conversation, it makes the experience absolutely amazing I definitely think I needed an eye-opener today. I'm glad to have had Jeanette with me, ready to strike. ♥

There's a sort of comfort I find in not knowing what is in my future. Ironic, isn't it? However, I do know I have a future &a happier one @that. Sometimes you need to do things like a band-aid. If this past year didn't teach me that, I have no idea what I learned this year. Finally putting my life in my own hands &leading myself wherever I desire to go is freeing. Hindrance, hurt, exploitation, victimization, deception &drama are never elements that I would want to hold on to. I see all sides of the story, am open-minded &give chances.

I'm meant to shine... &I will.

Quote of the Day.

Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by morning light - somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found. Baby, let's just get out of this town.

-Carrie Underwood's "Get Out of This Town"

Who am I kidding? You're my #1.