Christmas '09.

Saint Dominic's Midnight Mass.

As I look at the children in the pews, I realize that time does not discriminate. These young ones were not even alive when I attended St. Dominic's Elementary School! I was raised in Eagle Rock, raised in Saint Dominic's. It makes me smile to think that these children will be raised in the same parish I was. I don't regret a thing.

One year ago today, I forgave my brother. Today, I cannot find myself to forgive. There is a purpose to this, however. I admitted that I do not have any issues, but maybe I just hide this well. My brother needs to grow up &no one can force him to do so but himself. I am the one that loves him the most, the one who knows him the most, &the one who misses him the most. I think to myself constantly, "What if it was me who was messed up? What if I absorbed all the pain &suffering he was forced to endure? How would he be?" I am stronger than he is, because of him. I know I can't blame myself forever for this, but it's sort of like "survivor's guilt." Why did it have to be me who survived? A large piece of himself died during that part of our lives. Ever since then, all the choices he made killed little pieces of him. Is he even there anymore? This is a yearning I do not think of because I know that if I do, I will be left absolutely heartbroken, crushed. This is not a break-up, falling out, unrequited loving, or anything of that sort. This is blood that cannot be helped, cannot be saved. Jesus saved us when he was born. CJ saved me from having his life. I can't help but see all the guilt I should be feeling - all the guilt I feel when I think of this.

What is religion? What is spirituality? What is forgiveness?

I apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic. I believe this is why I try to focus on things I can deal with - idiotic males.

Merry Christmas. I hope you can all find kindness and love in your hearts. &Most of all, I hope you can find peace.