Half of My Heart.

My imagination has formed you to be perfect - absolutely perfect. However, who you are, is much much more. I can't stress enough how dangerous this is. I love the potential of us. The potential that was completely demolished by you two months ago. Half of me says that I don't like you anymore, or rather that I cannot like you anymore. &This was working. The other half of me says to stay. This would be the death of me. As Jeanette told me before I spilled my heart to him, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." It just seems like I'm going back in circles &making the same mistakes. I'm gonna run ahead &interpret everything he does positively, giving me hope that maybe this time he really does like me. &Yet again, I'll scare him off &we'll separate. Doesn't he know that I still like him? He's oblivious to most, so I'm pretty sure this is all friendliness. This leaves me in utter agony. I know my friends hate when I'm like this, which is why they tell me to stay away. I don't know, maybe I just need to be pushed harder to the ground, have my heart break into a billion little pieces instead of a million, &have him kick me when I'm down. I know I told him we can still hang out &whatnot, but what I'm getting from him is a vibe that maybe he's turned around &FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT. Yeah, no I didn't believe that either.

If he's into me, he'd do anything to be with me. That's just how it is. No excuses. I can't believe I'm wasting blog space on him, mind space on him &hours of sleep over him.

@Least I'm going through this with Jeanette - even though that doesn't really make it any better. We just want to know like a band-aid. However, I do know already. That's the difference right there. What I'm asking now is... Did something change? Basically, Do you like me now? bahaha, I would do that every two months with him if I could! Yes, I would wait for him - which is incredibly pathetic, desperate, horrible, &heart-aching. I just want my thoughts to stop going @about 500mph &just focus on the real things rather than the imaginary. My mind can do wonders.

It's different with you. Ugh, that's how it always starts. I've dated guys before you &I've dated guys after you. Yet, you're the only one I want. After all, you're the highlight of my 2009. I don't know if that's pitiful, but it was one heck of a night. Even if you were late, didn't kiss me goodnight, or told me a secret that kinda crushed my heart a bit, you being you was matchless &incomparable. The conversation alone with you made my heart melt. The riskiness of trying new things, namely food was wonderful. Did I mention the conversation was great? We talked, I asked you questions &get this - I had questions to answer as well! Yes, I don't ask for much, but I have never felt so compatible or connected to a guy like that in a long time.

I don't know, maybe I'm just attracted to guys who are attracted to me. After all, there was a day you were attracted to me. Those days are long gone. I don't know you very well, but I'm pretty sure you're getting a little tired of your routines, your constant let-downs &heart-breaks, &the predictable. I don't know, but I feel like there is @least a tiny bit in you that does like me. (God, this sounds like begging now!) If it's there, I can justify these feelings. Don't tell me you're messed up or not up to a serious relationship when I never mentioned any of that. If you're not into me, tell me &most importantly, let me go. I just want to hear a guarantee that you will never like me in that way, that you will never look into my eyes with your giant brown liquid-center eyes, or that you will never kiss me without meaning it. That's not too hard to ask from a friend, is it?

Half of my heart has a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you.