Just Stand Up.

Everything will be alright. The heart is stronger than you think, like it can go through anything - &even when you think it can’t - it finds a way to still push on, though.

Sometime you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain &if you don’t believe it, look into your heart, the beat goes on.

I’m telling you things get better through whatever. If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up. Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle? You need to know.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

It’s like we all have better days, problems getting all up in your face. Just because you go through it, don’t mean it gotta take control, no.

You ain’t gotta find no hiding place because the heart can beat the hate. Don’t wanna let your mind keep playing you &saying you can’t go on.

I’m telling you things get better through whatever. If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up. Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle? You need to know.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

You don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind. If you fall, dust it off, you can live your life. Let your heart be your guide. You will know that you’re good if you trust in good. Everything will be alright, yeah. Light up the dark, if you follow your heart. It will get better through whatever.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

You got it in you, find it within you. Through it all, just stand up.

I believe this applies to every aspect in life. I'll never forget Ma &Lolo. Ever. It still hurts everyday &I try to move on, but the worst happened - yet, I have found the silver lining. I've learned so much through it all - I have become stronger &wiser. It's difficult to look past the little things in one's day, so we make a fuss about it. However, the truth is that there are people dying out there every second - people who don't have loved ones, people who leave with unsaid thoughts or feelings, people who struggled to keep their life, &people who must leave their most precious ones.

There are worse things in life &I am grateful for this life, no matter what it gives me.

I'm standing up for Mercedes Mendiola, Joaquin Mendiola, Sasha Caraveo, others who have lost the battle to cancer, &most importantly, for myself.

The Heart of the Matter.

"I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again."

I LOVE those lyrics - incredibly.

But moving on...

I am moving on from everything. It's an exhilarating feeling, yet new. &With new comes fear. However, I don't believe I have that fear - @least not anymore. I am extremely tired of being in situations that, honestly, I don't have to be in. i.e. Situations regarding family, boys, relationships, friendships. &I once &for all am ridding myself of this. I do deserve to be happy. I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Last weekend was just a... relapse, a moment of weakness. A breakdown. &I'm stronger for it.

Truthfully, I don't need a guy - or anyone, for that matter - to control my happiness, especially if I'm not even happy anymore. I don't need the one. @Least, not now.

Fuck man, I'm YOUNG. &I'm much happier now anyways.

Like I said before, I'm getting back to me. I don't need anyone to justify my life &why I'm living. Yet, unlike before, I'm not saying it in an EMO, depressed, "Oh-my-gosh, I-don't-know-what-I'd-do-if-I-get-hurt" way. Okay, I got hurt. It sucks, but I'm over it now. (I would still want to talk, though.) We learn from our mistakes, right? So, the Great Wall of China, it is.

So thank you very much for the adventure.

&I still - &always will - love you.

Warwick Avenue.

Google.

It's been an emotional roller coaster this past week. Thank God I got through it. &I'm stronger for it. My mind has been cleared &I have rearranged my priorities yet again after it had gotten screwed up due to these past few months. I've learned a lot on my own &I'm 324892365478356723485692x happier.

I'll spill out the details later, I don't want to get too ahead of myself.

Now wait, this ain't no way to be treated. Mistake: you can have your cake and eat it. 'Cause any real man would up and leave, but I guess it's more than you can be. Let me help you up..."

I can't take it any longer. All we do is linger, slipping through our fingers. I don't wanna try now. All that's left is good-bye.

&That's it. Thank you very much.

Stay Together.

I think it's absolutely mind-boggling how people can keep it together - emotionally, that is. In times of hardship, sorrow, troubles, &frustration, people can really put up an amazingly wonderful front. However, what is under all of that - the setting-the-troubles-aside human being - is someone who wants to just break down. No matter how much they put on upbeat music, surround themselves with cheer, keep themselves busy, they are hurting inside - immensely. It's crazy how we can just go on with our day with all this pain.

I guess that's where strength comes from. ...Then explain to me why I am so strong.

Because deep inside, it does hurts. &I feel it.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?

Elephants.

If the elephants have past lives
Yet all destined to always remember
It’s no wonder how they scream
Like you and I, they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the planes
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card
When I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young
Then tell me how did you sleep by?
Oh, my instincts have failed me for once
I must have slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips
And teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you’ll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won’t you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you are living you don’t stand a chance
You can lie there and say you are fed
But there are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger
But keep one eye open at night

by Rachael Yamagata.

Blast from the Past.

When I think of how much I've changed in the course of three years, it's impossible not to think about you. Never in a million years would I have conjured up the adventures we've journeyed together. It was definitely a love of ideals - innocent, wishful thinking. Young love. Of course I still think about you &all that I learned from our journey.

There's no more bitterness, anger, or contempt in what we shared or the actions we decided to play out. Looking back, I see that you made me so happy &my past jadedness after parting ways will never blur that away.

I'm grateful for the experience &maybe it's just one of those "Another place, another time" moments.

"I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should cuz she will love you more than I could - she who dares to stand where I stood. And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all, but you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you - this is what I have to do."

Thanks for the adventure.

The Little Things.

from albert.cantaloupe.

Fuck my life. He makes me so incredibly happy &it's just crazy. I learn something new about him everyday &it just attracts me more &more. We're opening up to each other more &I'm seeing that he is human. I've always understood that, but now he's feeling comfortable to show it. I love it.

There are no words to describe it. I'm unprepared for this. It's a complete, utter surprise. He was unplanned, unexpected &I can't say that enough.

His surprise tonight astonished me.... &it still does. He makes my insides get all giddy, reddens my cheeks, weakens my knees, making it impossible to speak.

I haven't opened up like this to anyone in a long time &it feels unnerving, untraveled, &amazing - all @the same time. My state of fright &defense is slowly getting torn down by the little things he does.

I see it now... I feel it.

"You're nuts, you're crazy," you tell me - you love me. So, thank you - I love you.

Happy Alone Anyway.

"So now that I've been too honest, do you wanna talk about us? I say we stick to a plan cuz I'm tired of being inconsistent. You can stop looking at me that way. I'm pretty happy alone anyway, I don't need you to justify my life &why I'm living.I will stand tall and through it all, I won't be too afraid to fall &I'll try to leave you a glimmer of the hope that I'm feeling cuz I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here with you. Next time I scream in the mirror, I hope I'll see things clearer. It's time for me to enjoy these things I have worked so hard for.

Sorry, I'm on my way. I can't live this another day. I won't stop. My words - they came along &linger in me."

I put myself out there... Yet again. I think it's about time I learn that I just keep getting screwed over. [&NO, I'm not whining about it. It's just...] I always give in &they always turn back.

"It's as if you've conquered your latest treasure &now see it as fool's gold."

I've learned my lesson &I will adjust myself to it.

I'm not a quitter, but I know when I'm not wanted... truly.

The Trouble With Love is...

I swore I'd never love again. I swore my heart would never mend. I said love wasn't worth the pain, but then I hear it call my name.

The trouble with love is it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe a lie. It's stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall &you can't refuse the call. See, you've got no say at all.

It takes work &effort. It's still a blind trust &I don't know if I can let go of myself.

I want to. Not just yet.

How Much for Happy.

from albert.cantaloupe.

He is my unconventional, extraordinary source of happiness. I wasn't looking for anything - much less, anyone - to live for, to complete me, to save me from myself. He sorta just... happened. He stumbled into my life randomly, I thought. I've opened my eyes to many different perspectives due to him. He shows me it's OK to act cooky &idiosyncratic. He pushes me to open up. He makes me comfortable. He, himself, is very comfortable.

He would give anything for anyone he is close to. There is a warmth &a passion inside that draws me closer - if ever possible.

I want him to know that I believe distance, time apart, &busyness can still leave our "relationship" untainted &unbreakable. I believe in communication. I believe in reassurance. Insecurities are difficult to overlook, but the ability for one person to, not constantly, but meaningfully assure the other of their intentions would be good enough. I know sometimes it seems like I don't really care &don't put too much effort, but it's only because my mind is still thinking that I have to play a game as a guard - a game I had to learn after persistently getting damaged. Show me otherwise.

I hope it's known that I do know that many of the little battles I choose are not because of you, but because of me. It's something in me, an insecurity or two, that makes me push you away.

But I want you to hold on a little bit longer. This is what I'm doing - what I'm trying whole-heartedly to do.

This is how much it is for happy.