What Hurts the Most.

I said Ma &Lolo I'm going to love you till you don't hurt no more. See you're unbreakable, unmistakable, highly capable, a living legend, too. Just look at what heaven do - sent us angels, and I thank you. I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you.
Let me tell you what I'm about to do - I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm going back to school. I appreciate what you allowed for me. I just want you to be proud of me.

(I don't have a photo of Lolo, yet.) It still hurts just as much when I think about them. It's been a year since the passing of Ma. She passed away from cholangiocarcinoma, a cancer that is always diagnosed late - a very rare type of cancer. It was all unimaginable. It was all unexpected. The hardest thing was to say bye bye.

Yesterday would have been Lolo's birthday. He passed away from myeloma. He underwent chemo, but his heart couldn't take it. He knew it was time to go &follow my grandma.

I miss both of them. I always regret not taking time to know them more. But it still hurts as bad. It's the little things I noticed. Like Ma's releno - a type of dish. She'd make extra just for me &knew that it was my favorite food. &Lolo's unconditional love. He was always so proud of us - of how well we grew up &the doors we were opening up. They didn't have money, they didn't have jewelry, they didn't have worldy items. They had time, they had love, they had their family. &If anything, that is what they have taught me - to put love &family first. To cherish &be appreciative of everything &everyone around them. Because they didn't have a lot - &that, that was okay. They never asked for much, but they lived as much as they could.

I hope that they're looking down on us &have a sense of pride. I hope they're happy &content to what we all have become. I am focused, I am disciplined. I am because of them.

Losing such passionate, loving, unjudging grandparents - or anyone else, for that matter, is what hurts the most. However, I can't also help but contemplate on how their suffering is over. They're okay. They're safe, they're always remembered.

I love you both &we'll see each other again. Thank you.

Come Close.

Come close to me, baby. Let your love hold you. I know this world is crazy... What's it without you?

Put down your bags love. I know in the past, love, has been sort of hard on you, but I see the God in you. I just want to nurture it, though this love may hurt a bit. I want to build a tribe with you, protect and provide for you. Truth is I can't hide from you - the pimp in me may have to die with you.

I know what you're thinking - you're on my mind. You're right, you're right, you're right. You promise so fast, you just might take flight. Hope your not tired, tonight, tonight.

You help me to discovery me. I just want you to put trust in me. It's destiny that we connected. You and I, we can affect the world. I'm tired of the fast lane, I want you to have my last name.
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If life is what you make it, here’s my chance... I’ll take it. You know I wanna make you mine. I have this picture in my mind - you were in it all the time. So baby hold on tight.

And drive all night with me. Sing my favorite song and sleep under the stars on the hood of our car. It’s all I’ve ever wanted - all I ever wanted was to see you in the pale moonlight, just the way you look tonight. And maybe some day, if love comes our way, we’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring. You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring. Can you see it? I believe it, that it’s true. All I ever wanted - all I ever really wanted was you.
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Life's busy, life's a mess. It's absolute chaos. &To find something greater than all of that - a place of relaxation, learning, being oneself, loving - is amazing.

I will keep it close to my heart, becoming my passion &nourishment for every day I am blessed to live.

The end.
...for now, of course.

I Wanna Be With You.

You could buy me diamonds, you could buy me pearls, take me on a cruise around the world. Baby, you know I'm worth it. Dinner light by candles, run my bubble bath, make love tenderly to last, and last. Baby, you know I'm worth it.

Wanna please; wanna keep; wanna treat your woman right? Not just told, but to show, that she knows she's worth your time. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her and a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her. And a real woman knows a real man always comes first and a real man just can't deny a woman's worth.

If you treat me fairly, I'll give you all my goods. Treat you like a real woman should. Baby, I know you're worth it. If you never play me, promise not to bluff. I'll hold you down when it gets rough 'cause baby, I know you're worth it.

She rolls the mile; makes you smile, all the while being true. Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

No need to read in between the lines, I'll spell it out for you. Just hear this song 'cause you can't go wrong when you value a woman's worth.


If you can handle this, I want to be with you - I do.
-I just don't want to get hurt again... because you hurt me pretty bad. Either way, I'm pretty sure there will always be something there. &That something doesn't have to lead to anything... because I'll always be there for you.

[=

But You're Just a Boy...

When I said that I love you, I meant that I'd love you forever. And I'm gonna keep on loving you 'cause its the only thing I wanna do. I don't wanna sleep - I just wanna keep on loving you.

If only things could be that easy. But it is getting easier - as sad as that sounds, easier - to get over being heartbroken. When I love someone, I whole-heartedly, unconditionally, everlastingly love them. I stick around till the very end - I give them everything - &most times, after the end. It never stops being so painful... But I learn. I get back up again &there will always be open wounds in my heart - always vulnerable, always susceptible to that person who caused it.

You don’t understand how it feels to love a girl. Someday you wish you were a better man. You don’t listen to her, you don’t care how it hurts until you lose the one you wanted 'cause you’ve taken her for granted &everything you had got destroyed. But you’re just a boy.

I lost the one I wanted because I was taken for granted &everything I had was destroyed.

I'm Not a Princess ("Random." Retraction).

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I was a dreamer before you went &let me down.

Just when I thought I was able to turn my life around by taking matters into my own hands, fate strictly &slyly halts all my attempts. Maybe it's just not meant to be. I believed that I deserved happiness, but the way things are turning out, I am constantly being proved wrong. I hate this time of the year - the time of the year when people are joyful &looking forward to the holidays &spending time with their loved ones, keeping warm &feeling snug (physically as well as emotionally). However, for me, I have nothing to look forward to... Unfortunately. I'm not asking for anyone to have pity on me, I'm just telling it how it is: My family's not the poster-family of the "Great American Family," nor does it come close. I don't want it to be, but I would like it to at least be functional. I never had a real childhood. My childhood consisted of frequent visits by the police to my home in the middle of the night, listening to my father beat up my mother as if she were a punching bag, hearing CJ's pain &fear of my father through the abuse, &many other moments that'll always &unfortunately be seared in my mind forever. It's as if I'm locked in a cage, trying to get away from these bad memories posing as guards who are constantly taunting me, yet the key to the lock is no where to be found... Nor is there anyone helping me find it. Day by day, I try to find the little happiness there is in my life... &I do think of that &tend to not dwell on the sadness. However, there are days when the sadness catches up to me &there's just no where to run away to.

It's as if I see myself take 50 steps forward everyday &the day that sorrow catches up, I move that many steps backward &then some.

The main idea is: I don't have a home. This is what I strive for when I take matters into my own hands. However, I never find it. &When I think I do, it bites me in the ass &makes everything worse.

I just wanna go home. A place where one is embraced &greeted with open arms. A place to forget one's hardships &to contemplate on finally being wanted... where all that dwells in it is love.

Random.

I haven't blogged in what seems like AGES. To me, @least.

Currently, I am just trying to get all my work done for this weekend, which starts Wednesday night for me. I planned many events, &hopefully @least half will go through!

This year is particularly different for me because I am actually excited about my birthday. If you don't know me, that's an incredible phenomenon. I am taking initiative, taking matters into my own hands. &Hopefully, it doesn't bite me in the ass. I've also learned to laugh more, even when I'm stuck in situations that aren't the most advantageous or the most comfortable.

I've learned more to not dwell on things, especially things that I don't have control over. I understand that now... after many failed attempts @controlling it. The world is horrible, unfair, filled with sorrows &despair, but being happy in the midst of all of that is the main point. Finding the good in things &relishing on that is extremely important. With any luck, I'll remember this.

One month ago, I would have never imagined that position I would be in today. (No, that is NOT what she said. hahaha.) 1) A great friend of mine is back in my life, which is very unexpected, but welcomed. Very welcomed. 2)Work is very interesting @the moment... Maybe because I never really had any expectations for it. 3)Embracing full singleness (yet again) is amazing &I have no idea why I thought the opposite is so great. Well, actually I do, but I just need to make sure the thrilling moments outweigh the stress... Which it usually doesn't, so... Lesson learned!

Random, I know.

Lack of Interest.

This part of my life is called "Lack of Interest," in many aspects than one.

There is a recent lull in my life, most probably due to the loss of motivation. However, not in a way in which I am failing what I am doing (eg: academics, work, being me.), rather in a way where it is potentially in my radar. Not good. Not cute either. Maybe I'm just burning out, or maybe it's just October. Either way, I need to snap out of it.

I have my priorities straight &whatnot, I think that I'm just not acting on them. Contradictory? Maybe so. I'm just so used to this whole routine that it's just plain, old boring. So, why overachieve when you can just pass?

I need a change. I need a surprise. I need spontaneity in my life. ADVENTURE. I'm immensely tired of the "same old, same old."

Now, the question is "How?" I guess that's something I need to ponder about more. Ehh.

"You know the problem, now find a solution."

My solution is: 1) Take up the offer of becoming night manager @Crate &Barrel. Show them my potential, accept the challenge. 2) Pick up an English minor. Get to learn more about something I love, while also thinking about my future (eg: having to write research papers, Medical School essays, applications, the whole nine.). 3) Become consistent in visiting the gym. (Haha, yes this is more of a personal goal, yet it also gives me a challenge physically. Anyways, working out equals energy. &It also equals endorphins. Oh, how I love thee.) &Lastly, 4) Generally, just be more open to try new things, meet new people, &be more... casual(?).

I'm taking matters into my own hands. This includes no expectations (which ultimately means, no disappointment.).

Well, there you have it: my solution to the lull. I am disciplined, I am focused. I am motivated. All I need to do is prove it.

Now this part of my life right here - this is called "Getting Back Up Again." Becoming me.