I'm Not a Princess ("Random." Retraction).

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I was a dreamer before you went &let me down.

Just when I thought I was able to turn my life around by taking matters into my own hands, fate strictly &slyly halts all my attempts. Maybe it's just not meant to be. I believed that I deserved happiness, but the way things are turning out, I am constantly being proved wrong. I hate this time of the year - the time of the year when people are joyful &looking forward to the holidays &spending time with their loved ones, keeping warm &feeling snug (physically as well as emotionally). However, for me, I have nothing to look forward to... Unfortunately. I'm not asking for anyone to have pity on me, I'm just telling it how it is: My family's not the poster-family of the "Great American Family," nor does it come close. I don't want it to be, but I would like it to at least be functional. I never had a real childhood. My childhood consisted of frequent visits by the police to my home in the middle of the night, listening to my father beat up my mother as if she were a punching bag, hearing CJ's pain &fear of my father through the abuse, &many other moments that'll always &unfortunately be seared in my mind forever. It's as if I'm locked in a cage, trying to get away from these bad memories posing as guards who are constantly taunting me, yet the key to the lock is no where to be found... Nor is there anyone helping me find it. Day by day, I try to find the little happiness there is in my life... &I do think of that &tend to not dwell on the sadness. However, there are days when the sadness catches up to me &there's just no where to run away to.

It's as if I see myself take 50 steps forward everyday &the day that sorrow catches up, I move that many steps backward &then some.

The main idea is: I don't have a home. This is what I strive for when I take matters into my own hands. However, I never find it. &When I think I do, it bites me in the ass &makes everything worse.

I just wanna go home. A place where one is embraced &greeted with open arms. A place to forget one's hardships &to contemplate on finally being wanted... where all that dwells in it is love.