Picture to Burn.

You played a good game. I must commend you.

Bitches Get Burned.

I warned you not to play with fire.

Ain't it a shame? A shame that every time you hear my name brought up in a casual conversation, you can't think straight. I've got my pride, and she's got you.

I'm all better now, just in time for summer. hahh. I got that new "I'm a single girl" swagggg♥.

Rock Star.

You think the way you live is okay. You think posing will save the day. You think we don't see that you're running. Better call your boys cuz I'm coming. You can't be me - I'm a rock star.

I'm sick &tired of all these bitches - yes, bitches - running their mouths thinking they know their shit. I have to admit right now that I talk shit, too. Everyone does. However, I know that I don't know everything about someone, so I always give them the benefit of the doubt. Yet, when they constantly act the way they do without any regard for anyone around them, that's fucked up. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut. Maybe these girls need to. It's my turn now.

#1: I am a smart, knowledgable lady with lots of potential. I know my weaknesses, &I know being smart &knowledgable is a strength of mine. I work hard for what I get. I try my hardest &always push myself to do better. That's just how I'm wired. I hate it when I hear - indirectly, but from greatly trusted sources - people don't think I deserve what I get. That I'm not smart. That I shouldn't get what I deserve. That I don't even work. That's a fucking slap in the face. I get my shit done &am totally OCD about it, too. If work has my name on it, it better be the shit. So when someone makes a judgment call on me or my work without getting to know me or seeing my work, it's ridiculous. It's crazy talk. I'm not just gonna rant about this &let it bother me, however. I'm not like that either. I'm ready to show you what I have. What do you have? I'm ready to prove you wrong. It's a hobby of mine. My pet peeve: being underestimated. Don'tttttt underestimate me. A warning for your ego.

#2: Bitches think they can talk smack literally behind my back. Seriously??! Seriously? I believe I am a normally considerate person. Not uber considerate, but not inconsiderate. I always plan things around someone else. I make sure not to disturb or inconvenience anyone around me. I say "please" &"thank you." I study in the hallway so my roommate can get some sleep even though it's uncomfortable as hell out there, especially compared to my own bed. So when there are times I decide to stay in my own room, it should be understandable, right? Well, I guess fucking not. I'm done with being the quiet doormat in the corner. There's only 2 more weeks of school left, but if this is going to continue, I need to make a stop to it now. You're bullshit, demented, &soooo soooo wrong. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's gonna fucking burst like a little girl chewing bazooka bubble gum. hahhh.

#3: Out of all the girls, her?! You've got to be kidding me. Just my luck, right? I always try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I really do try. However, she can't even smile back. You know, when you're walking down the hall &see someone you sorta know, you smile @them, just to be nice. When they stare you down, look right through you &walk away countless times, it's time to make a distinct judgment call on them. &her?! Do what you do. Don't come running when you find out there's no one better than me.

I'm done moving aside for everyone, especially when they treat me like shit when they don't even know me. Everyone needs to be checked once in a while. I'm done paving the way for you when you can't even respect me. I'm just allowing people to use me &step all over me when obviously that's not how much I'm worth. I've lost energy in allowing your ego to stay where it is while diminishing mine. I have a voice &I'm going to use it. I'm fucking amazing &you should know it. Recognize this.

Pretty Girl.

That's what you get for falling again - you can never get him out of your head. It's the way that he makes you feel. It's the way that he kisses you. It's the way that he makes you fall in love. She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego &her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men. &That's what you get for falling again.

I think I like to torture myself. I think I truly believe deep in my heart that things will turn around. Yet, with every step I take closer, another sign is flashing in my eyes to turn around. So for now, I'll just set all this aside for the day things turn around comes along. Someday, maybe somebody will love me like I need. Someday, I won't have to prove because somebody will see all my worth. Till then, I'll do just fine on my own.

Other than all this, I've been going through a lot. From SF to schoolwork, it's been a horrible transition. I fell in love with SF. I honestly saw myself living there, spending a good chunk of my years in that city. I'll be gone from here sooner than you think.

...because I got into the MARC Program! This was my "Latest and Greatest Desire." It's a great opportunity to have for someone who's interested in an MD/PhD. It's competitive, time-consuming, demanding &exactly what I want to accomplish. I wanted it so bad &worked for it to the point of exhaustion. &I was able to reach it, to have it, to be a part of it. My life's gonna turn around soon enough. I can feel it coming. I just pray it's a good change. I don't believe I can take anymore heartbreak.

Portions for Foxes.

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you, but just being around you offers me another form of relief. &It's bad news. Baby I'm bad news. I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news. The talking leads to touching. Then, touching leads to sex &then there is no mystery left. I don't blame you. I do the same thing - I get lonely too.

Jealousy. Anger. Lust. Attraction. Misery. Desire. What drives us to move on? What keeps us down? I'm a woman of many emotions - many forces that determine my actions. Your heart has a pace. Moving on is relative. These emotions push us &hinder us. From first-hand experience, I know that hanging on to the nearest guy after a break-up or fall-out is not the best idea. It doesn't allow you to move on. It bottles up the emotions you don't want to deal with. Jealousy hurts. Believeeeee me. It can eat you up inside. Lust and attraction are only temporary distractions that may cause regrets.

If there is a "moving on too fast," there's also a "moving on too slow," no? It gets old to hang on to the same person who obviously shows no interest in you whatsoever. It gets old to hold on hope for someone who treated you well for two minutes. We just have to know ourselves well enough to give us some time to recuperate &love ourselves enough to move on when the time is right.

I see how we can get stuck in all these emotions. The desire to have someone close. The desire to keep the one that left us near. We're just all left as portions for foxes.

Distant Dreamer.

Although you think I cope, my head is filled with hope of some place other than here. Although you think I smile, inside and all the while, I'm wondering about my destiny. I'm thinking about all the things I'd like to do in my life. I'm a dreamer. A distant dreamer, dreaming far away from today.

Two things. 1) I steer clear from drama. I do everything necessary to avoid confrontation. I compromise, I forget, I let go. Don't push me too much, however. Because this time... This time, I'm standing my ground. 2) Maybe I'm not as slow as I let on. Maybe I recognize the signs. Maybe I see it all, notice it all, understand it all. Maybe. You get me.

I'm a distant dreamerrrr.

I Think I Might Like the Quiet Nights of This Empty Life.

She's your pretty portrait. I'm your wrinkled photograph. She's your straight face. I'm your need to laugh and cry.

My current obsessions that I'd like everyone who loves lyrics, music, art to know are the albums, Duffy - Rockferry &The Wreckers - Stand Still-Look Pretty. Burn me the CDs &I'll honestly love you forever. ♥

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I need someone who gets me. Someone who fully gets me &all my aspects. I think that's what I miss the most - someone who understands and notices my subtleties. If you truly know me, you know I'm a perfectionist @the little things. Not a perfectionist @organizing or anything, but a perfectionist in the details. It's not a one-way train. I definitely notice other people's body languages and random conversations. Maybe that's what makes me a good gift-giver? I have yet to find someone who notices the little things as much as I do. Actually, scratch that. I have &it didn't work out. I think this trait is @the top on my list. It keeps you thinking, attracts the "you-you," and provides a deeper element in a relationship.

But for now, I'll stick to taming my own mind. I think I'll bliss in this quiet emptiness. I'm again left undiscovered.

Take Me or Leave Me.

I look before I leap. I love margins and discipline. I make lists in my sleep, baby, whats my sin? I never quit, I follow through. I hate mess, but I love you. What do with my impromptu, baby? So be wise 'cause this girl satisfies. You got a prize, but don't compromise. You're one lucky baby. Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. &If you give a damn, take me baby or leave me.

I know my worth. Do you? Don't miss the train. I'm done being forgotten.

Blessed.

Photography by albert.cantaloupe.

Do my best with faith that's never-ending. I'm truly blessed for everything you've given me; Blessed for all the tenderness you show. Do my best with every breath that's in me.

It's been a hell of a week. At the end of it, I see how blessed I am to have friends to help me out and to literally keep me sane, my family to check up on me once in a while, schoolwork to test my limits, and the ability to reflect back on past experiences and learn from them. I like where I am, I'm happy to see who I've become, and I love the challenges I'm taking on. (No, I still haven't found out about the thing I want soo badly.)

This past week, I've been put in situations where I should have kept my mouth shut. No, I wasn't being blunt or saying any bad remarks about anyone or anything. I was just, you know... talking. &Those close to me know I do it a lot. I just have to be more careful. haha. I do not believe in coincidences. Let's just say that.

These next few weeks will be incredibly stressful. I know I'll get a roller coaster ride out of it. @Least it'll be more manageable than emotional rides.

I'm focused, baby. I'm disciplined. All because I'm blessed.

Where is the Love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. As I'm getting older, people are getting colder. Most of us only care about money making. Selfishness got us following our wrong direction. Wrong information always shown by the media. Negative images is the main criteria, infecting the young minds faster than bacteria. Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema. Whatever happened to the values of humanity? Whatever happened to the fairness in equality? Instead of spreading love, we're spreading animosity. Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity. That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under, that's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down. There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under. I gotta keep my faith alive till love is found. Now ask yourself: Where is the love?

We're living in tough days. I see why my mom stresses out so much. This is ridiculous. This is sad. This is embarrassing.

I work sooo hard @both school &work. (Both jobs.) I'm a reallyyyyy good student. I'm a reallyyyyy hard worker. &Yet, I don't get a break. I pay my bills. I rarely ask my parents for money. I got my own. &Yet, I don't.

Fuck this economy. Fuck loans. Fuck all of it. I'm 19. I'm not supposed to think about all of this yet. &I am. So that should say something. I'm trying to make an effort &yet, it isn't working. There would always be a way out. A Plan B. A Plan C, even. Not this time. I feel suffocated, stressed. &That should say a lot. I'm NEVER stressed.

They always say college can be for everyone. Everyone can find a way to pay for it. Well, you know what? It's fucking difficult. &In this economy, I don't even think it's possible for everyone. I'm sure I'm thinking what everyone's thinking: Can't I just get a break? This is seriously ridiculous now. I could make a long list of things I really need, not want. &Yet it's untouchable, impossible, unlikely for me to get it. There's a long list &there is preference. I just want to cross them out, one by one &see how it feels.

I need a break. I need rest. I need love. Where is the love?