Better Believe I'm Fearless.

&If i end up lonely, @least i will be there knowing I believe in love.

I take chances. I would like to thank my past loves for molding me to the person I am today. I know that I'm the one who puts themselves on the line &I love myself for that. I'm a no regrets kind of gal.

Better believe it. ♥

Quote of the Day.

It's kind of scary. In my mind, it's like I'm fixated on him. Sometimes, I think I'm in love, but I know it's not possible because I just met him.

-Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210

I'm a sucker for these things. Blah.

Paper Bag.

You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today, gotta keep my cheating strategy &baby I'm gonna have it made.

But someday we'll all be old &I'll be so damn beautiful.

I was so caught up in the "love vs. career" debate that I never realized that I have neither. As I stand in the CSUDH Student Union ballroom, I feel a wave of anxiety and loneliness. Loneliness? Out of all the other things that should be in my mind while presenting - that's what I feel? How many times did I feel like breaking down right then &there? How many times did my mind wander to the thought that someone with warm &familiar eyes would walk through that door to support me? No one is obliged to me. I don't know why hope was still there.

Twice already did I present - such a great accomplishment, right? But neither times did I feel solace. There are only two people that I can think of that would definitely be there. But they're not in my lives.

I'm beginning to think that there's a lonely future ahead of me. ...Then why is everyone that I "love" pushing me to that future?

Quote of the Day.

Image via The Los Angeles Times

"Look at yourselves. Some of you teenagers, students. How do you think I feel and I belong to a generation ahead of you - how do you think I feel to have to tell you, 'We, my generation, sat around like a knot on a wall while the whole world was fighting for its human rights - and you've got to be born into a society where you still have that same fight.' What did we do, who preceded you? I'll tell you what we did. Nothing. And don't you make the same mistake we made..."

-Malcolm X

By any means necessary. Can too much be too much? In my opinion, in this matter, this is not too much. I am a student. I will be affected, although seemingly indirectly. I'll continue to watch this development closely. I stand behind education. I stand behind the students.

[Untitled.]

Church setting. White and light teal. Tulips &lilies. The epitome of grandeur and romanticism. Clear complexion. Watery eyes. "I do."

It's what I yearn for - a far-off dream similar to my little-girl desire to be Pocahontas when I grow up. Although the latter may never happen, the former is a possibility that narrows with every day that passes. I hear it all the time: "we have the rest of our lives to find the one." But honey, do you understand that this is what my heart lives for? Do you understand that with every "wrong place, wrong time" scenario that befalls upon me, it crushes my belief in the one? Don't get me wrong, I perpetually have hope &resilience, but that little sparkle in my eye - the aspiration that I have engraved in my heart &mind since the age of three (yes, that may be an exaggeration) - shimmers a little less.

It's the worst time to be looking. I resist myself from looking. The clues that used to be around me to lead me to you are no longer visible. I'm still here. It may seem like I'm not, but dig a little deeper. As hard as I try, I can't envision my future without you.

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
&The other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere &into my life.

D is for Douchebags.

You move your hand across my knee, turn me into some novelty. Did you ever take the time to think about who I might be? Where I've been? What I'm thinking? Who I love? What I've seen? I guess I'm one more girl on a stage, just one more ass that got stuffed in some jeans &its one more day that you don't find true love.

I was engulfed with the sensation of fear this past week. Everything was all confirmed today. It wasn't a fear of dying, losing someone, or disappointing. It was a fear of the unknown - of what I wanted to keep as unknown. It was dread inside of me based on me - or rather, my body.

It's difficult enough to be a woman. It's difficult to constantly be stared at, noticed. It doesn't give me a sense of happiness when I know the sole thing these men are thinking about is me minus the clothes. They look past the intelligence, the strength, the determination of most women &turn them into some trinket.

It's easier for other beautiful girls without the "major distractions" to become more in-depth with others. To be noticed for their personality. To be fully appreciated for who they are. However, women like me are frequently harassed by douchebags, jerks, and little boys. Charm, game, and lies are introduced in the conversation. For someone naive, this all looks glittery and shiny - until the day they realize they were used and violated. Just because a girl has "big tits," "a nice ass," "a bangin' body," or a "cute face" doesn't mean you can take advantage of their beauty to show off to your other douche friends. We are not some free land you can conquer only for you to abandon a couple days later.

No, to my knowing, I have not been taken advantage of yet. I am not ignorant of these types of little boys. However, "with power, comes more responsibility." With more features, come more creeps.

I want to hide under a rock for all eternity, but that's just another way of defeat. If anything is tried, you better fucking know you'll be put in your place. There's more to me, baby, that you wish you will never see.

Re-calibrating.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I underestimated everything. I'm pushing my pride aside &telling it how it is. If shame is felt, there is a reason why.

I'm not very confident with my capability to grasp knowledge well, but I understood that I was more blessed than most. However, these past few weeks have not showcased my potential &my ability to rise up to the occasion. I'm falling behind. I'm not passing exams. I'm turning in late work. I seem like I have no interest in anything I do whatsoever. It's bad.

There is no excuse to my behavior because 1) I am not working @Crate &Barrel half as much as I used to. 2) I don't have as many units as I had last semester. 3) I don't go into work @UCLA as much as I had several weeks prior. The differences? 1) The MARC Program & 2) My conclusion: My social life.

I'm all about time management &I feel as if I misjudged how factoring in a social life into student life is absolutely unique and draining. I saw everything in short term. I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew what to do in order to optimize my efficiency. However, in reality, I stayed @zero &was not efficient at all.

I'm stating my problem publicly &the solution is obvious &undeniable. Get your shit together &stop with the distractions. I am human &I am like everyone else. I'm mortal &I have flaws. I never knew I would have to learn this lesson like this. Who would? Now, I have to make sure my priorities are in check &keep my main goal in mind -&it has nothing to do with being the greatest beer pong champion in the world, look like a fucking badass in front of people I don't even know, or get a stupid, unworthy guy to notice me. In the words of the United States Army, it's to be the fucking best I can be. &I know there are high expectations of me, set by me. &That's because I have the potential, the drive, the motivation &the tools to do so. I'm tired of all this second-rate bullshit, I'm better than that. I'm re-calibrating my priorities because I know I deserve more.

Deactivated.

Don't underestimate my level of detachment.

"No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands."

I'm trouble, baby. Trust me.

Well-Rounded.

Everyone's unique in their own way, balancing themselves out in a specific way molded for them alone. They study, attend school, go to work, go out with friends, watch movies, eat dinner. They go to basketball games, watch soccer games, read CNN or PerezHilton, go on Facebook, have dinners with family, love their significant other. There's a balance in all of this for the common person.

Some study more than go out. Some drink more than go to work. Priorities are the threads that seam all of these aspects together. The material used - whether it be cotton, silk, paper, or polyester differs in everyone. They can know more of a couple things, but is it possible to know more on all aspects?

I don't know about me just yet. It may all be relative. It may not.

All I know is that I seem to be intelligent on many to all angles. But one -

My family. I try to give the impression that all is fine&dandy in the family portion of my life - but it's only because I hide that so well under my superficially planted persona.

I don't know, what you see is what you get with me. However, when it comes to my family, it's all sugar-coated. Don't believe a word I say.

Reality versus expectations - I am really a well-rounded person. Or am I?

Quote of the Day.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."

-J.K. Rowling

This ABRCMS Conference is already beginning to change my perceptions. This all feels so surreal. I can have it all.

Quote of the Day.

Si mañana te vas, mañana te olvido. Si mañana me amas, me escapo contigo.

-Rocio Trujillo

Tread carefully. ♥

A Lesson in Class.

We're distinctive, extraordinary, unrivaled, incomparable. It should be obvious to see. No, this isn't a "let's all be cocky" type of moment. This is an "open your eyes" instant. I know a ton of great girls who are worthy of anyone's time &yet, they constantly get hurt &are mistreated. It's ridiculous to assume that, just because we give you a second of our time, that we're down to satisfy your sexual, physical, barbarian urges.

You spend enough time with us to notice, I'm sure. However, there must be some wires in your head that have been singed or wired incorrectly so much that you turn around and cross the line - whatever that line may signify. Whether it be making inaccurate assumptions, taking things too fast, or send signals that convey unfelt feelings, there is no excuse for your uncontrolled behavior. So please, don't try.

We're intelligent young women who think twice before we speak, can hold a legitimate conversation, and take care of your belligerence while simultaneously holding our liquor, knowing quality marijuana, and look cute while doing it all. How many girls can do this? Honestly?

Know a good thing when it's in front of your face. Treat us like the great girls we are because Lord knows we are beyond comparisons. However, if you like settling for your constant one night stands, teases, no-depth ladies who bat their eyelashes and giggle at every word you say, then do what you have to do. We'll live.

So who are we exactly? Your friends, the girls who round up your "crew" when you're not in the right state of mind. The girls who let you lay your head on their shoulder when you're getting tired. The girls who you always find yourself with when the party's dead and you're tired of the superficiality of your other conversations (if ever that finally happens). The girls who fulfill your intelligent needs. The girls who, by the end of the night, you're not thinking of when you're hitting on some short-skirted, tank-top wearing, slutty bumblebee. The ones who are there when you're passed out or when you've made a fool out of yourself in front of the girl who cares about the way her hair looks. We're more than all of that &you know it because you always find yourself with us in the end - either by the end of a struck-out night or the hungover morning.

Open your eyes &maybe you'll see we're women who won't bring in the drama, who know exactly what you want &how you want it. If only you could get all of this through your big, beer goggle-wearing head, then you'll find the real thrill in all of this - a thrill that will last more than the 30 seconds it took for you to take off her clothes. We don't yearn for your attention - we know there are more mature men out there. Just clear your glasses to find that the real, genuine women you're subconsciously looking for is right there - all around you. But maybe the glisten of the other girl's legs were too much of a distraction for you to see.