Getting Back to Me.

I have no idea why I'm stressing out over a small thing. Maybe I'll get rid of you &then I'll get back to me. I don't have to go through all of this, I don't have to argue &get mad. I don't have to be a part of something I really wasn't feeling.

I just don't need to be in this. I don't want to be worse than I already am.

I'm not ready. I'm getting back to me.

Off to a Better Place.

Moving on. It'll be incredibly difficult, but it's finally time. I am strong. I am disciplined. I am focused.

I pride myself in knowing my priorities. I keep my family first. However, I am learning that perhaps distance will be the only way to keep us together. We - not just them - have been taking one another for granted and are constantly hurting one another. I need time apart, time to clear my head and to fully prioritize my life. I don't like unnecessary drama &that will most probably be the fall of me if I decide to stay. I need to keep my goals pristine in not only my mind, but also in my heart. This is what I am doing for Ma, my grandma. Ma &Lolo always lived for their family. I am doing this for our family. I need to get out of my bubble and get out into the world, fully. I need to become more independent and learn for myself. I must take away all the preconceived notions in my mind produced by my environment, by my family, by my conventional elders &most importantly, my parents. I love them so much, but I think it's time to show them how much I can truly succeed.

As for CJ... there is no way I will be able to let him fully grow if I am always nearby. It saddens me every morning I wake up that he is entirely dependent on me. I love him so much, but I know his potential and I know he is ready, but he won't - he won't venture out on his own - if I'm still here to help him along. Times are changing and life is calling me. No one should assume that I will carry his burden all my life.

And as for Xie... I hope he'll be able to go on this journey with me. My eyes were opened today when I found out that I am the reason he is staying here in LA. He has so much bottled up potential to become so much more, but due to his obligations to me as an older brother, he has decided to remain behind. I can't fully keep my family together, contrary to what has been said. It is not a one-person job... &This - this is due to him being my support, my motivator, my role model.

It disheartens me that one day soon, I'll be leaving most of my family, my friends - people I love, to fly out, grow, &prove the capacity of my intellect, but most importantly my strength. A great person knows when it's time to let go.

Finally, it's time for me to let go - go off to a better place.

This is my one chance.

Not Over It.

I let go. I let someone have me yet again. &It hurts. I knew my place. I knew. &I decided to let go.

Just because of butterflies in my stomach &weak knees.

Over It.

I don't need any unnecessary drama. Why bother? I thought I knew, but I'm learning that it's just all wrong. Maybe it's just isn't supposed to happen. Who doesn't put effort in a relationship with a person they claim to love? Who just doesn't bother to ask one more time or even at all?

I don't know if it's just a test, but why the fuck would a test be needed? I'm normally laid back, but so many things are now pushing my buttons. It all feels like a test &I guess I fail.

I don't want my guard down &I don't have the strength for it, honestly.

I thought - I thought many things. But fuck this. I was afraid to get hurt for a reason, and look what's happening.

I can't anymore. I want to so bad. I need reassurance. I need to know it's not superficial.

Maybe that's my main issue. I feel like it's all about the physical and the idea of loving someone else - someone other than the first person they have ever loved. &Maybe it actually is. &That would be my worst. That's my fear now. &I can't face it.

I'm over it.

Vulnerable.

It was unexpected. It was seemingly impossible. It was unwanted. It was. But it is in the present now &I can't turn back to make it all go away. Deep inside, I don't want it to go away. I lied, it does scare me. When you bring up other people, I do have fear that I'll lose you. Not that it's anything "too serious" right now, but I'll finally admit... Yes, we ARE dating.

Can't you see that this is me pushing you away because you're actually getting through. All that I intended for this to be is no longer an option. I'm just really really really really scared.... Terrified, frightened, shocked, caught by suprise, vulnerable.

I can't expect you to be close to me only when I feel like it... that's just unfair. But the times when I don't feel like it is only because of the feeling of dread - of danger. Danger to possibilities of getting hurt again. No one ever wants to get hurt. They don't get into relationships just to get hurt. They get into them to have a sense of happiness with a person they connect to, a person they can really relate to. For me, a person who is blunt and speaks their mind. A person who isn't afraid to say more than what is necessary or what is desired to hear, but just to say. A person who understands me like crazy. A person who actually likes seeing me for me. A person who is passionate, loving, caring, understanding. A genuine person. A person that I want to get to know more about.

His intentions are good &I'm still learning that. &Mine are the same, but my walls are definitely still up. This pushing away, constant thinking, constant filtering are the signs of this barrier that has been constructed.

I'm trying. It's impossible for me to say I'm invincible.

But then again, I don't want to admit that I'm vulnerable.

Suddenly I See.

My friends just aren't my thing. At least, some of them. I know, I know... It sounds cold &horrible, but it's just true. I seem to be losing them left &right. I guess it's just that we're all changing and growing apart from each other. It's definitely not cuz I don't try. I treat them exactly the same even when they push me away. I still ask them if they want to hang &whatnot. Once it gets bad, I give them the same effort they give me.

That's when it all ends.

Sucks. But I figured that I don't deserve being treated that way by my friends. Right?

I don't need any unnecessary stress in my life. I'll deal.

But can you?

Mistakes.

I fucked up my car today. Not horribly fucked up, but fucked up enough. CJ got on my case about it, which is predictable, but he just wouldn't stop.

I get it, I get it. It was a stupid, foolish, dumb, moronic mistake. But man... I make mistakes. The one thing I was always afraid of (which is pretty insignificant in broader matters)was being so good and so pristine (at least in terms of academics and family). Once that becomes accomplished, everyone around me will always assume that every day and every minute I'm like that... that I always live up to that. And then - then mistakes are unthinkable. Well, it seems that I'm there.

It actually makes me somewhat sorry for surpassing people's expectations of me. I want to be able to make mistakes and not feel so incredibly horrible I've made one. I understand why it is an error &I know not to do it again. But really. I make mistakes.

I guess it even shocked me. It's possible. So give me some slack.

Please?

Rising Above.

There's a problem that I'm facing at the moment that I'm trying to not think about, yet, for some weird reason, it bugs me. It bugs me that people can be so narrow-minded and caught up with their ownselves that they completely and utterly disregard their "friends." Then they go back and turn it around on them if they are treated that way for just a second. I'm not interested in any unnecessary, immature drama. I've always known what my priorities are. And until recently, I've also learned to not be treated like a doormat. You may once have been a priority of mine, but once you slip up (and I'm not talking about small, insignificant flaking. I'm talking about not being there when my life has changed, especially when you expect me to be there when a single tear falls down your eye. And even then, I'm there.) my priorities realign. I don't need to exclaim to the world every minute when someone fucks me over. I don't need any of that useless complaining. Oh, I mean venting. My life doesn't have to be "perfect." At least not now or at all. I don't pretend that it is, either. I'm just grateful for my core people, those who won't turn around on what they said a few years, or even a few weeks, back. Those who get the picture.

All my ideas may seem scattered, but only those who this accounts for will truly get it.

Thank the Lord no one really reads this shit. Haha.

So from now on, this is me.. rising above.

I get my shit straight, thank you very much.

a change.

Ahh there's just been so much on my mind these days that it disgusts me. I feel like I'm becoming who I was: an emotional, dramatic, sorry little girl. So not cute. Haha.
I'm honestly tired of running to old friends' beckon calls as if I actually truly believe they give a fuck about me. All they honestly want to do is talk about themselves to feel better than others. ...At least that's how they make it seem. So I'm going to change that and stop being someone who lets others treat her as a doormat. &YES, I know I've been saying that for months now, but maybe if I write it just once more, I'll really try.

Another subject that made me act unlike myself was the way I went gaga over a person. No no no. It's even embarrassing to think about how I acted. I seriously have my whole life ahead of me &I do NOT need that distraction. So there. Problem realized, problem SOLVED. As one of my great friends would ALWAYS tell me when she hears me bitch &moan about ANYTHING in life... "You know the problem, now find a solution." THERE. I'm freeeee♥ &wouldn't trade it for a thing.

In relation to the gaga-ness, I realized that I need to be a better person, a better citizen... I guess you can say. I always talk about how ignorance should be overcome by educating oneself &whatnot, but I realized that I was so closed-minded that when it came down to MY ignorance, it wasn't "ignorance" anymore. I spend wayyyy too much time on PerezHilton.com &watching E! ! I need to spend more time reading about what's really significant: the future &just what is going on in the world around me. I'm a registered voter, but I'm not even educating myself on all 16 or 17 candidates. Yes, that many. I don't want to be the typical teenage girl that only thinks about herself and her "little world." I like to think I'm not that kind of girl - or that kind of person, in general - but there is so much more I can do. So enough about me &my insignificant drama &more on others. Like what I used to say to my friends when they would cry over spilled milk... "Think about genocide in Darfur!" So it's time for me to listen to my own advice &become that person that's cautious of the world around them. [=

So in short, I need to stand up for myself, eliminate distractions (because it's all about having fun &living life!), &just know more about what's going on around me. It's definitely possible to do all three... right?

A change. It'll be good.

If I Never See Your Face Again.

I can't help but think how much things have changed within a year. It makes me really grateful for the people who have stuck by me &helped me go through such rough times. Also, it made me see the true colors of some people who were really close to me &no longer are.

It's really been a great learning experience, as generic as that sounds. But, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted my life to go any other way.

I'm done for now. Hawaii's in ONE WEEK. Goodbye LA.