Suddenly I See.

My friends just aren't my thing. At least, some of them. I know, I know... It sounds cold &horrible, but it's just true. I seem to be losing them left &right. I guess it's just that we're all changing and growing apart from each other. It's definitely not cuz I don't try. I treat them exactly the same even when they push me away. I still ask them if they want to hang &whatnot. Once it gets bad, I give them the same effort they give me.

That's when it all ends.

Sucks. But I figured that I don't deserve being treated that way by my friends. Right?

I don't need any unnecessary stress in my life. I'll deal.

But can you?

Mistakes.

I fucked up my car today. Not horribly fucked up, but fucked up enough. CJ got on my case about it, which is predictable, but he just wouldn't stop.

I get it, I get it. It was a stupid, foolish, dumb, moronic mistake. But man... I make mistakes. The one thing I was always afraid of (which is pretty insignificant in broader matters)was being so good and so pristine (at least in terms of academics and family). Once that becomes accomplished, everyone around me will always assume that every day and every minute I'm like that... that I always live up to that. And then - then mistakes are unthinkable. Well, it seems that I'm there.

It actually makes me somewhat sorry for surpassing people's expectations of me. I want to be able to make mistakes and not feel so incredibly horrible I've made one. I understand why it is an error &I know not to do it again. But really. I make mistakes.

I guess it even shocked me. It's possible. So give me some slack.

Please?

Rising Above.

There's a problem that I'm facing at the moment that I'm trying to not think about, yet, for some weird reason, it bugs me. It bugs me that people can be so narrow-minded and caught up with their ownselves that they completely and utterly disregard their "friends." Then they go back and turn it around on them if they are treated that way for just a second. I'm not interested in any unnecessary, immature drama. I've always known what my priorities are. And until recently, I've also learned to not be treated like a doormat. You may once have been a priority of mine, but once you slip up (and I'm not talking about small, insignificant flaking. I'm talking about not being there when my life has changed, especially when you expect me to be there when a single tear falls down your eye. And even then, I'm there.) my priorities realign. I don't need to exclaim to the world every minute when someone fucks me over. I don't need any of that useless complaining. Oh, I mean venting. My life doesn't have to be "perfect." At least not now or at all. I don't pretend that it is, either. I'm just grateful for my core people, those who won't turn around on what they said a few years, or even a few weeks, back. Those who get the picture.

All my ideas may seem scattered, but only those who this accounts for will truly get it.

Thank the Lord no one really reads this shit. Haha.

So from now on, this is me.. rising above.

I get my shit straight, thank you very much.

a change.

Ahh there's just been so much on my mind these days that it disgusts me. I feel like I'm becoming who I was: an emotional, dramatic, sorry little girl. So not cute. Haha.
I'm honestly tired of running to old friends' beckon calls as if I actually truly believe they give a fuck about me. All they honestly want to do is talk about themselves to feel better than others. ...At least that's how they make it seem. So I'm going to change that and stop being someone who lets others treat her as a doormat. &YES, I know I've been saying that for months now, but maybe if I write it just once more, I'll really try.

Another subject that made me act unlike myself was the way I went gaga over a person. No no no. It's even embarrassing to think about how I acted. I seriously have my whole life ahead of me &I do NOT need that distraction. So there. Problem realized, problem SOLVED. As one of my great friends would ALWAYS tell me when she hears me bitch &moan about ANYTHING in life... "You know the problem, now find a solution." THERE. I'm freeeee♥ &wouldn't trade it for a thing.

In relation to the gaga-ness, I realized that I need to be a better person, a better citizen... I guess you can say. I always talk about how ignorance should be overcome by educating oneself &whatnot, but I realized that I was so closed-minded that when it came down to MY ignorance, it wasn't "ignorance" anymore. I spend wayyyy too much time on PerezHilton.com &watching E! ! I need to spend more time reading about what's really significant: the future &just what is going on in the world around me. I'm a registered voter, but I'm not even educating myself on all 16 or 17 candidates. Yes, that many. I don't want to be the typical teenage girl that only thinks about herself and her "little world." I like to think I'm not that kind of girl - or that kind of person, in general - but there is so much more I can do. So enough about me &my insignificant drama &more on others. Like what I used to say to my friends when they would cry over spilled milk... "Think about genocide in Darfur!" So it's time for me to listen to my own advice &become that person that's cautious of the world around them. [=

So in short, I need to stand up for myself, eliminate distractions (because it's all about having fun &living life!), &just know more about what's going on around me. It's definitely possible to do all three... right?

A change. It'll be good.

If I Never See Your Face Again.

I can't help but think how much things have changed within a year. It makes me really grateful for the people who have stuck by me &helped me go through such rough times. Also, it made me see the true colors of some people who were really close to me &no longer are.

It's really been a great learning experience, as generic as that sounds. But, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted my life to go any other way.

I'm done for now. Hawaii's in ONE WEEK. Goodbye LA.

friends of convenience.

May 2.

This year has been CRAZY. There were so many new people I've met &I've grown to love. [= There were also many falling outs. But hey, new school, new life. For sure. Yet, what I've learned about myself is that I always want things to end up well, for everything to be happy in the end. However, people take that for granted &there are only so many cheeks to turn. What I'm talking about are friends who just use other friends only when it's convenient for them. But when the other friend is going through a hard time - a really hard time - they don't have time. What I've learned is that you shouldn't take shit from anyone, especially the people who are supposed to love you &be there for you. ...You know what? I'll give you the same amount of time you give me. Don't be surprised if I don't answer your calls or call you back. You're not an obligation, hun.

I've learned a long time ago that you just have to let people go because it's not worth being that unhappy with them than finding new happiness without them.

I'm finding happiness. Finally, babe. Don't be surprised if you're not one of my priorities.

Thank you very much.

under the weather.

I'm definitely not in the mood to do anything right now, although I know I should. I really need to finish up my art history paper because I just made plans for tomorrow. Great.

This end of the week is gonna be pretty hectic. Perhaps it's my pre-endoftheyear FUN. haha. Let's see. Wednesday: date (?). Thursday: clubbing with the girls (Riddhi, Taby, Mariana (I shall make her go. haha.), &perhaps Rocio.) @either Cinespace (I'm soo over that place. haha.), Level 3 (no comment.), or Element. Friday: clubbing with Riddhi (?) @Avalon. Saturday.. well it just goes on &on. I think I've actually mentioned this already, but whatever.

Well, my point WAS: I CANNOT be sick &I think it's about time I give my immune system a pep talk. I don't get sick, thank you very much.

Anyways, hopefully the sooner I get to my work, the sooner it'll get done &the sooner I get to sleep. It's the best thing that was ever invented. haha.

...&randomly, I've been missing my grandparents recently. This is for my people who just lost somebody. Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady... Lift your heads to the sky cuz we will never say bye. It doesn't get easier. It still hurts when I hear someone talking about cancer. It still hurts when I hear people talk about their grandparents. I never really got to know them &I just hope they're looking down on my family now, proud.

Besides, this - studying biology, becoming a doctor - all this is for them. I made a promise to my grandma &I'm sticking to my word.

Anyways, I can't do all this till I get better. So let the healing begin.

ohh dang.

Procrastination's a bitch. &I'm already on my way to "Summer Mode." The current project that needs to get done is my Art History paper on an artwork (of course). I chose Edgar Degas's Waiting. There's so much I know I can write about, but I'm just waaayyyy too lazy. Yes, it's only a five-page paper, but still, I'm lagging it until I can't lag no more. haha.

What sucks MORE is that I'm totally not thinking about school because I can't wait till Thursday &this weekend! Clubbing♥ ! I haven't been out-out in a while, minus that date with whatshisface. haha. But seriously, I'm on a MISSION when I go out. &It'll be uberly fun with Riddhi &Mariana. Hopefully, Rocio will come too, but we'll see. Friday will also be a club night, in which I am 65% sure'll happen. Saturday is a day for the boys, the brothers &Bryan! &Sunday... oh, that's just a day for work..

But seriously... how can I focus when I have this weekend to think about &HAWAII in about 4 weeks?!

BTW, getting amazingly beautiful grades for my classes aren't even an incentive because I've been getting A's this whole semester! ahh. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

ohh dang. Must snap out of it. Check.

33 days left.

Hawaii's coming... or rather, I'm leaving for Hawaii in 33 days. I think it's about time I get out of this goshdarn city, try more new things, &just explore. I've been focused in college all this time (you know, with a few dates, outtings, &random late nights here &there... but you get the picture.) &I need time off. After all, 7 years of school left! &I can't wait.

I just got outta my Women's Leadership class when a quote got my attention: "'I am finding new strength in myself; I may have always had it and just didn't know because I'd never had to call on it.'"

This freshman year in college has been the most dramatic, emotional, fun, crazy, rollercoaster-ish, &adventuresome year in my whole entire life. There were just so many changes I had to deal with. I thought by the end of summer all I really had to deal with was a broken heart, but then I realized how much college was different, how much my family means to me, how much new people can become such close friends, &how to cope with the losses of my grandparents. I realized... you know what? There is just so much out there in the world that are more important, like family, &I am not gonna waste my time bitching about certain events.

Am I strong? That's an ongoing debate I've had with Riddhi, Rose, &CJ for a while now. I just deal.

So now I need time off &live life happily, which is primarily my main goal. Living for ME &finding out just what I love in this world. No need to be dependent on anyone or anything. Boys? Oh, they're just beginning to get good. Smoking cigarettes? Nope, quit that. Irrelevant drama? There's more out there in the world.

Baby, I'm ready &Hawaii's just the tip of the iceberg.

Christia<3

baybee baybee.

the start of something new. we'll see how this works out.

[=