Better in Time.

It's time I let you go so I can be free &live my life how it should be. I thought I couldn't live without you - it's gonna hurt when it heals, too. &Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to. It'll all get better in time.

2008 has been a year of moving on. I've learned this year that time heals all &it's best if one doesn't let the past hold them back. Holding on to it is only destructive. The only thing we're able to do is learn from our mistakes &take a step forward from it. Life isn't long &there will be pain, but life goes on - with or without you. We might as well live it to the fullest with the people we love. I've moved on this year from all that I dwelled on from the year past. 2007 was a scary, unbelievable, unexpected, cold year. &This year, I was given the chance to get over it. &I have. &I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have helped me - those who taught me that it's okay to speak my mind &to be blunt, that it's okay to smile during the worst days ever, that it's okay to work hard &play hard later, that it's ok to grow and live life. Yes, I've gone through a lot, but I get myself back up again and become stronger. &I'm proud of that - terribly. It's bittersweet. It hurts. It goes away &you're able to see how good life can really be. So thank you - you know who you are. You're truly appreciated &I hope that I have impacted your life at least a fraction of how much you all have impacted mine. Thank you, I love you.

Now, 2009 will be an interesting year, but I'm ready for it - for the hardships, the laughs, the drama (ughhhh), the kickbacks, the morning-afters, the drunken nights/days, the hangovers, the surprise visits, the consequences, the fun, the adventures.

&I hope you would like to share them with me again... or for my new friends: let's see how much fun we can really have.

Let the 2009 adventures begin. Bring it.

One More Drink.

These past few days have been tiring.

Funny &tiring.

The end.

Christmases When You Were Mine.

I've been doing fine without you, really... up until the nights got cold. Everybody's here except you, baby. It seems like everyone's got someone to hold, but for me it's just a lonely time cause there were Christmases when you were mine. <3TS

Holidays aren't really anything I look forward to. However, I do look forward to giving presents to those I love. I looooove giving presents, mainly because I think I'm good at it &I love seeing their faces of utter happiness. This holiday season, I think I'll keep my expectations to a minimum, meaning no expectations. &This means expectations for anything good or bad. I always expect something bad will happen, but I'll try not to this year. It's different this year. I'm learning &growing more. I'm rising above.

There are people in the world who are starving, searching for their family, in desperate need of hospitality, or in need of saving in all aspects possible. However, we must be grateful that we have someone to spend this holiday with. If it's your dog or cat, mom or dad, brother or sister, or a good book to warm up by the fire with... or all of the above. Some people don't have that &we shouldn't take it for granted. I don't take any of the lessons I've learned this year for granted. Yes, I've been burned and heartbroken, but I'm finally moving on from all of it. I'm not gonna dwell in the past... "This, too, shall pass." I will not punish myself for the past.

Christmases when you were mine... I'll make new memories... Better memories.

Sunday Morning.

Sappy, pathetic, little me - that was the girl I used to be. You had me on my knees, I'd trade you places any day. I'd never thought you could be that way, but you looked like me on Sunday. You came in with the breeze on Sunday morning. You sure have changed since yesterday without any warning. I thought I knew you well... so well.

I've come to accept the fact that people just change... most of the time, without any warning.

Anyways, I like this "phase" right now. Sometimes I forget how amazingly wonderful it feels to be content. No frustrating individuals around, no drama to try to overcome, no events that cause self-inflicted wounds. Because I'm sure we all know by now that I like to overanalyze things so much it has become instinctive.

But anyways, I just wanted to update this. I know the past few days have been a crazy, hectic roller coaster ride with finals, the departure from the Mount, people who are absolutely ignorant, &love lost. I've gone through it, determined &focused than ever. Thanks to those who stuck by me &are the reason I am in the state I'm in today... which is absolutely close to perfect.

Thank you, I miss you, I love you.

I had an epiphany on Sunday morning.

Lesson Learned.

Here's a little journal I found last night that I wrote about a year ago. I don't even remember ever writing it, but I know it's fate that I saw it again. I understood a majority of it back then, but the rest - the rest finally hit me. Here it goes:

"Sometimes, it's better to not wear your heart on your sleeve. Life experiences have trained me to be a cold, bitter girl; yet, I'm so stubborn, I won't let that happen. These boys, they do not define you. It's OK to trust others, but make sure to know that maybe they're not trustworthy. Yes, people can surprise you @times, but happiness is life. Reality minus expectations. Take the past - learn from it. You do not need to be dependent on others for your happiness. It'll be hard, but you have to find that you being loved by yourself is enough. You can only be ready to love others when you love yourself. Be confident in knowing who you are. Find out who you are. Have fun. Don't disregard your morals - you know what is right &what is wrong. Don't let a boy - or any person, in that matter - tell you different. I deserve a lot. I am smart, knowledgeable, wise, loving, focused, disciplined, motivated. Show others that. Do not act dumb. You deserve a lot. Do not punish yourself for the past. Act in the present. Gain inner strength. Be strong, confident, kind to yourself. Find you. Love you."

"...Maybe it's me punishing myself. I know deep in my heart, I deserve better. Hold out until it comes. I should. I have all the time [in the world] to find myself &my motives. Take note - I am not worried about these boys around me. They have tried to define me - mold me. &It was only possible because I let it become possible... Because I don't know what form I a supposed to take into. They should not be my priority. I am my own priority. ON MY OWN TIME. I am disciplined, I am focused."

Watch a good one get away.

Miss-Understood.

I am appreciative of my core, those who stick by me through my constant roller coaster ride I call my life. It's not always easy to watch me go through my tough times, when it's me against myself. Regularly, they are the only ones who see me with bloodshot eyes due to hours of crying, exhausted from long days/nights at work, or down due to my lack of luck. Not only do they endure seeing me this way, they also are responsible for brightening my day, which is extremely difficult to do. Just ask them. I don't know how they do it, but they do. Their unconditional love for others around them, including me, is what makes me unconditionally love them in return. &That's the truth. They are my rock, my support, my core. They understand me immensely &still decide they want to be in my life. That - that's incredible. Words are incapable to fully convey my feelings &utter gratitude for them. I thank God every time I get a chance for giving me my great friends, &I also pray for them as well. It's the cliche of all cliches, but without them, I wouldn't know where I would be today. Some motivate me and some are my role models; however, all are my inspirations.

That brings me to the next point. These people pictured above know me at least from a certain extent and beyond; their words, advice, &guidance are what I treasure whole-heartedly. I take their opinions seriously because I know that they wouldn't want to see me hurt or go in a wrong path in life. I trust them very much because of all the hardships we have gone through together. &Oh, have there been hardships! However, other people - people I don't know too well, or rather, don't know me too well - are somewhat disregarded. They don't know what I have gone through, the inner-workings of my mind, or the details in the situations I have gone through. To pass judgment when these people - ignoramuses - have a lack of understanding for me, or for the specifics of my life, is unheard of. Get it? Unheard of. Hence, no one will be listening, especially when they are childish, shady, immature, &cowardly (to say the least) enough to pass on explicit adjudications Anonymously. If these people are equivalent to the people pictured above, then maybe I would have taken it to heart.

Understand?

Love Don't Live Here Anymore.

Well baby, you can try to tell me how it is &try to justify everything you did. But, honey, I'm no fool &I've been down this road too many times with you. I think it's best you go.

I learned a lesson yesterday from a coworker: It only gets better. I've heard it many times before; however, this time, it finally hit me. What's the rush? I'm not going to take anything too seriously now, we're young &I'm okay with that. In a few more years, I'll be able to fully appreciate the different aspects in my life better.

Being home this weekend didn't hurt either. It actually makes me happy to be with my family. I learned that projecting my emotions away from my family &towards another person isn't a solution to my family problems. All I can really do is face it &help the best I can. Xie [my older brother] is definitely a huge support in my life &to him, I am eternally grateful. My relationship with him is a relationship that I treasure. I can never fully describe my admiration &love for him.

Love lives here with my family♥ now.

Red High Heels.

Reality check: I don't take shit from anyone. This has lasted for waaayyyyy too long.

I'm not a clingy person, I'm not annoying, I don't stay in my bed all day, crying, &I never used to take shit from anyone. I still don't take shit from anyone.

Regardless if I'm in love with someone, it still does not change the way I treat myself, or rather, how I let others treat me. You need your space, fine. I have other things to do, baby. It's fucking finals week.

I treated you well, mainly because I thought you deserved it. But you don't - not anymore. You've overstayed your welcome.

Good boys get good rewards. Get it? Good.

Well you can watch me walk if you want to, want to. I’m about to show you just how missing me feels in my red high heels.

♥.

Stars Go Blue.

Where do you go when you're lonely? Where do you go when you're blue? Where do you go when you're lonely? I'll follow you when the stars go blue.

My thoughts &I are similar to leaving a loaded gun on a table. Something is always about to go off.

I don't know what's wrong... So, I don't know how to fix it. It may be out of my hands - highly likely. However, I'm here. I can't think of anything else. I may be overreacting, which I know is a default action that occurs in my mind frequently. Thus, I resort to blogging. Ughhh.

I try to analyze every word, investigate deeper, turn to social networking sites, &nothing.

If anything, I want you to know I'm here to listen. If you don't want to talk, I'm pretty good at keeping quiet &sitting around, just to be here as support.

Baby, where do you go when you're lonely? I hope I'm one of your choices because I'll follow you when the stars go blue.