Cowgirls Don't Cry.

Cowgirl, don't cry. Ride, baby, ride. Lessons in life show us all in time, too soon God lets you know why. If you fall, get right back on. The Good Lord calls everybody home. Cowgirl, don't cry.

Although we are going through tough times, trying to get back up while we are constantly being kicked down, we ride on through. We find something to laugh about, we find something to have hope about. For her: Australia. For me: Going back to school &the MARC Program. They are two completely different goals, but what do they have in common? They both better ourselves, it allows us to be able to be a part of something more than ourselves. @Least we understand that aspect &don't allow one another to fall deep into depression or do anything so drastic. Yes, we can do one illegal thing, but that's for the fun of it. [: However, we keep each other up &try to help each other see the light @the end of the tunnel [&it's not Stella].

We're not going to be restrained in living our lives. Life goes on, no matter how difficult of a situation you're stuck in. All you can do is take care of yourself. Do only what is best for you... in the long run. We don't understand why all of this is occurring, especially now, but we're going to adjust &allow God to guide us on our paths. We're always going to have our heads held high &laugh about everything. That's just who we are. We never let anyone hold us down. We're better than that.

We're cowgirls.

"Stay Away."

I'm just going to list the facts of last night.

I told my brother to seriously stay away from me. I told him I'm afraid of him &if he doesn't stay away, I'm going to do something: get a restraining order. He said, "OK."

My mom told me she's separating from my father &she hasn't talked to him since that day.

Don't mess with me. Don't fuck with me. Stay away from me.

Quote of the Day.

I swear... if it's not your boyfriend, it's your brother.

-Riddhi Dhruv on never-ending boy issues.

Fear.

Some people have a fear of the dark, a fear of loneliness, or a fear of spiders. Me? I have a fear in my brother, CJ, which was only fully activated on Friday. I have a fear in the breakdown of my family. I have a fear of physical abuse between CJ and my father. I have a fear of seeing my mother cry. I have a fear that CJ will do something stupid to harm himself, my father, and/or others around him. &This fear - this fear frightens me to the bone &to the depth of my being.

I hid today. I didn't know what to do. I was left vulnerable by my family. I was left to make decisions - decisions that must be done, yet that are extremely difficult to do. I thought the hard part of my family life ended - back when there was a custody hearing due to social services when I was younger. That was my past life - shaking in the middle of the night in pain, physically and emotionally. Hearing the screams of CJ and my mother due to domestic abuse. That large hump was walked over. Now, here is the next largest hump - dealing with CJ due to the repercussions of his childhood, in his words, more or less.

You are the only one who can choose your actions... &You have chosen. It's so easy to blame other people. Yet, the one thing you can't do is look in the mirror &point the finger @that person. Of all the people in the world, I'm the one that cares for you the most. I believed I knew you. I believed we understood each other. We had our ups &downs, but through it all, I thought we stuck together. This isn't the CJ I know &grew up with. This is the CJ that allowed all the bad events in his life overcome him. The CJ that is drugged up. The CJ that fell in too deep &is now pointing the blame to everyone around him.

Now, our lives will never be the same. How am I going to get through this? I have to act.... A certain way. I can't show weakness or vulnerability in my family. I am their rock &foundation - if I crack, they crack. Yet, I can't help but think this is all my fault. I can't stop asking what if? What if I just played the movie? What if I just let him use my car? What if I just bought him his cigarettes? What if I went outside? What if I didn't leave for breakfast? What if it's all my fault?Calculus, chemistry, microbiology, religion. They never teach you how to deal with this in college.

When is everyone going to find out this is a mask &realize I'm not strong after all?

I'm not the one to speak up or take action. I'm the one that absorbs everything, no matter how bad it is. This is bad. There's no turning back now. There's no pretending nothing happened. There's no hoping this will all disappear.

What am I supposed to do? I fear that this is one aspect in my life I do not know the outcome to. &That - that scares me. Is someone going to die? Is someone going to jail? Is someone going to get hurt? Is someone going to make things right?

So many questions. So many different aspects of fear I am feeling. So many possibilities. What do I want? To be happy. I don't see that in the near future, I fear.

To be continued.

Quote of the Day.

I... I just need one thing today that I can control. I need to control one thing. &That one thing is... My planner.

-By yours truly, Christia Sison

Justification of the BCT.

Boys are fucking ridiculous. Evelyn was right, they say one thing &completely think the other. They're all talk. Thank Goddddd I'm running this. Ugh, they disgust me.

All I'm asking for is for a guy to like smart girls. You'd think that would be pretty logical to them, right? Well, Specimen A: Let's call him Bob. Bob would fuck any girl with a pulse. Honestly? Honestly. It's funny, actually. At least now I can say I know 'one of those.' If he does that, then he has issues. He just wants a body next to him. &Me? I'm not just a body, so get that damn straight. I'm a smart girl. I'm the one you can't even dream about marrying &yet, here I am, giving you a chance. RIDICULOUS.

Shall we move on to Specimen B? Let's call him Scooter. Scooter said all the right things @all the right times. Yet, he said he wasn't ready for anyone. OH &what's the next thing he does? Finds someone. HILARIOUS. @Least now, I can say, 'I've been played.' It's all a learning experience, right?

Last Specimen, Specimen C. One word to describe him: RANDOM. Let's call him Robert. Robert was a fluke, a person I went to @the highest point of my vulnerability - 2 years ago. &Now he's coming back? Did he really think I liked him? Come on, everyone knows it was just a rebound. Fucking random, right? But in the words of Riddhi, "He wants someeee!" Guys are ridiculous!

I guess the best I can do is stick with my Banana-Curve Theory. Here are three prime examples to justify my theory. Thoughts? Questions? Comments?

Gah, I can travel the world to teach this shit.

Kinda Like a Big Deal.

Pardon me I must say, I'm kinda like a big deal... Lights, cameras, action! The chain itself's a damn distraction. You claim the belt, the glory I bask in.

Shitty picture I know, but what can I say? My mom wanted a photo of me in my lab coat lab gown, according to her. Of course, she still wasn't pleased. "I want one with your whole body! You should be standing!" Full Filipino accent &all. To her, it's a big deal.

To me, it's the biggest deal. I can't even lie about it. I'm @fucking UCLA, excuse my language. I do research @a UCLA Neurology lab. You know, across the street from the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, right next to the genetics research center and in front of the brain mapping building. WTF?! How many people in the world can say that? Sure, I'm just an "intern," but this is a great opportunity for me.

Today, a former intern came in today. He's probably in his early 30s. Dr. Chang was talking about him before she saw him, saying that he started off like me, then went to get his MD/PhD. He did these separately, however. He got his PhD @Northwestern &his MD @Johns Hopkins, which is where he met his fiancee, who also stopped by. They are both doctors and will be working @UCLA. Honestly, what is better than that? Oh yeah, he just finished his residency @Johns Hopkins as well. If you have don't have any clue about anything in the medical field, you should @least know that Johns Hopkins is the #1 Medical School, meaning that it is the hardest, most difficult school to get accepted into. For someone who was once in my shoes to finish from Johns Hopkins is mind-boggling in my minuscule brain. Why, you ask? Because that could be me one day. It hit me right then &there - that could really be me one day. I can be successful by finishing my Bachelor's in Science, receiving my MD/PhD together, going through residency &specializing in Obstetrics &Gynecology. I don't know, just some days I feel like I'm still not good enough. I just need to take a step back &actually be proud of myself &give myself the credit I deserve. Right?

Because, honestly, this is kindaaaa like a big deal. [:

I Want to Be the One to Walk in the Sun.

Some boys take a beautiful girl &hide her away from the rest of the world. I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.

Girls just want to have fun.

Let me be. I'm happy. I'm one to go out in the world &to find adventure. I have curiosity, ambition, drive &smarts to venture out on a journey. That's what this is. I can't have anything holding me back. We need to search out &find that force - the element - that makes us who we are.

So let me be my stupid, sometimes naive, crazy, carefree self. I'm the one who walks in the sun. Won't you come &join me?

♥

Heartache. [With You, Without You]

This one's for you, Riddhibaby.

I'll blog during a feeling of weakness, a weakness for love, which has not overcome me in a long time... Considering me.

I walked down Memory Lane tonight. It brought some feelings back up to surface. I'm left speechless, with a hole in my heart. I feel the same exact way I felt two years ago today - confused &still madly in love with Jaycee. I'm extremely lucky to have had a relationship so perfect, in terms of a first love. I'm happy to have not had any "drama" at the end of it like some of my friends have had. However, I really wish we could have kept in touch. I guess I can't have everything, right? I' m just curious to know how everything is. How everything would have been. How everything played through. Yes, I was there, but the situation seemed so hazy, so unreachable, so distorted. ...Especially after all the time that has gone by. No, I'm not still stuck. I'm just in a nostalgic mood. I wrote in an earlier blog saying that I have never found anyone to fill that void. It still stands to this day. However, I have all the time in the world to find that one person. I'm young, that's for sure. Yet, I'm not sure anymore if I want anyone to fill that void. It's not really a void - it's a space in my heart for him, which I know I will always have.

I'll find someone who fills my whole heart, who I can give my heart to completely &who I can unconditionally trust to keep it safe. It will happen.

Since I believe everything happens for a reason, I can be assured in knowing that this broken road that I have traveled will lead me to a great love, to a home.

He was my home, he was everything to me. We were strong, adventurous, trusting &innocent. It was a love I wish everyone in the world could experience @least once in their lives. After heartache comes happiness - with you or without you.

Humility Never Knew of This Woman.

She is the utter definition of humility. She has so much going for her. She has the potential that only people can dream for. She is passionate, active, driven &hard-working. She is amazing &I'm glad to be able to call her one of my good friends, if not a best friend.

She has gone through a lot in her life, but you would never be able to guess through her actions. She constantly has a smile on her face and an energy that stays fueled by the people around her. She not only puts others before herself, but she does it smiling &lovingly. She has an attraction that draws anyone towards her &a laugh that keeps all around her. If you know her, you can not say you weren't motivated to do something, anything.

Our late-night talks &study sessions brought us close. Our love for oranges, food, &running bonded us together. Her love and attitude makes us great friends. Although I just officially met her a couple months ago, I know that this friendship is for keeps. To even be able to know someone as amazing as her is an honor. Her faith and values are some elements that make her the woman that she is. She deserves a lot, she deserves the world. She has inner strength - you can try to bring her down, but that's not going to happen.

Don't you bring her down today. She's our birthday girl. Meet Evelyn.

Question of the Day.

Have you ever been so sure about something in your life? Like 100.8% surely knowing that it is what your heart truly desired?

Well, I have. Once. On Monday. You know what that is?

I'm going to get my MD/PhD and become a doctor.I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Being inside the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center opened my eyes to a whole new world. [Cue music.] It's my destiny. It's what my ambition leads me to. I may not be so sure about what I'm going to be wearing tomorrow, if I'm still in love with anyone or if the end of the world will be in the year 2408. I do know that I am going in the right direction &I want to pursure a career in medicine. Period. It makes me happy. I'm 100.8% sure of @least one thing in my life. [:

The Realist Disguised as an Idealist.

Meet Mariana. Our birthday girl.

I've known her for a little more than two years now &yet I feel like we've been friends since the minute I was born. She gets me - completely. She's made such a huge impact in my life in these two short years. We're absolute opposites, yet it works.

I love the way her mind works: zoning out, making objective decisions, acting fully as oneself without any regards to other people's judgments. The latter is most respectable, most admirable, &rarely embodied by anyone. Except Mariana.

We could go months without contact with one another &yet, we're back to where we were. We could spend every single minute of every day with each other & not get too sick of each other. We know how to work around each other &with each other. It is incredible rare to find a friend like her. That's why I'm happy she's even okay with having me in her life. It's a blessing to know her in &of itself. That's why I'm happy to call her a best friend &a sister.

She deserves the world. Her mind is one that one must take a journey to explore. She's amazing, funny, classic, inimitable, outstandingly unique &a great friend to have. I just hope that one day soon she'll be able to see what I see - a beautiful 20-year-old young woman who's ready to give the world a run for its money.

Happy birthday, beautiful.

Paper Gangsta.

I'm looking for love, not an empty page full of stuff that means nothing but "You've been played."

So I was stood up today. Not really stood up, more like bailed on, but all the same amount of points of douchebaggery. But ahh well, I'll live.

Next.

Playing the field is fun &easy. Considering the #1 rule: Do not get attached. There's your lesson for today. Time to continue with my day. [=

Quote of the Day.

I hate boys. They say one thing &act in a completely different way behind your back.

-Evelyn Perales

Yes, yes, that is what boys do. Little boys can play their games. I'm the one that's handling the ball.

Burnt Bridges.

&Yet, out of all the amazing adventures I've been on this Summer, I still am heartbroken. I'm never the one to want to burn bridges, nor the one to watch them burn. I can honestly say I've tried my hardest. "Relationships are effort, I will match your work."

I don't know if we'll ever be the same after this. You're too busy. You can't even call. You can't even text. I'm tired of being the one to remind you. Yes, I can plan, but if there is no reciprocal action, how do I know this isn't a time-filler? You both mean so much to me - I can't even begin to put into words. Our friendship is timeless... @Least I thought it was. However, people change &maybe that's just what happened. I don't want to believe that because we've been through so much &not having time is unacceptable as an excuse. Do not tell me it's because you two are busy because I'm busy, too. Excuses are excuses. If you really want something, you'll get it &you'll make it happen. I can only do so much, bebs. I've always been here for you any time you needed me. A phone call, a text, a message, a wall post away. You seem to have time for others &I'm tired of waiting five months for a reply. I'm tired of waiting for consideration on your part.

Like I said, I don't know if we'll be the same after this. I really hope so. Best case scenario: we grow from this. Worst case scenario: I'll always be there for you two no matter what.

I don't like burning bridges. I won't be the one to do so.

Quote of the Day.

I ♥ ?

-Taylor Swift via Michelle Kim

I'm curious to find out who will fill in the "?" Not anytime soon, however. [=

People Who are Falling in Love...

...Annoy the hell out of me.

Is it jealousy? Or is it a genuine worry for a need of a reality check?

I do not want to be in that position any time soon. Oh dear God, help me.

Quote of the Day.

"There's your high school fan club!"
-Carla San Jose

Heck yesss. We've still got it. I'm hoping those boys will learn some new, less-lame pick-up lines when they get older. &Learn to respect women. hahhh.

That's What You Get for Waking Up in Vegas.

How did I get here?

I'm happy. Please don't tell me to get down from here. I know it'll go away in a couple of hours, but I want to bottle all this up. This moment, this feeling, these experiences, these connections made &relationships rekindled - all of these - is what I live for. New is good. Blessings come in disguise. There's always a different plan. I believe in fate &destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Just stay true to your heart, values &loved ones.

Quote of the Day.

"He's your fate!"
-Tiffani Sapanghila

Maybe. Maybe not. @Least I still have my game face on. It's an official record.

I'm in LA, Bitch.

Honestly, where else can you go that has beautiful weather, city life, beaches close enough to feel the breeze, &paparazzi following celebrities everywhere? Today was amazing. Heading to Hollywood, Melrose, Robertson Blvd. @Santa Monica Blvd. in WeHo was the most fun I had in a while. I'm glad I had Tiffani, who was willing to venture out to new places. It has always been something I wanted to do - discovering the "glamorous" &"trendy" part of LA.

Tiffani &my conversation during this journey stumbled along the subject of our goals. I've learned that we are incredibly similar. In experiences, in likes &dislikes, &in thought processes. We're happy where we are. We love to have fun. We try to be independent @any chance we get. We absolutely adore our single lives. We think positive. We yearn for adventure. It made me realize many things, along with the help of our contemplative environment, as well.

It's mind-boggling how I live so close to such a cultured city - socially cultured, yes, but cultured nonetheless. I'm an LA gal. My mentality is also that of a "typical" LA gal. No, not the shopping, spoiled, vain, wasteful portion. However, it's the ambition of LA women that I aspire to have. The ambition to make it to their goals. To stop @nothing to reach the highest point. Plus, they look damn good doing it, too. That's always a plus, no?

Today, I felt like an LA woman. Independent, ambitious, beautiful &accomplished. Maybe, just maybe, I already am one.

Quote of the Day.

"You ride his motorcycle, you fuck him."
-CJ Sison

I thought that was hilarious &wanted to share. [= I might be getting a couple calls from this, particularly one or two people in general. ♥

Misery.

You know the saying, "Misery loves company?" Well, misery was born through my family. As much as I love them &missed them terribly while I was away, it all seems so dysfunctional &downright miserable. Now, it makes me sad when I spend an extended amount of time with them. In order to fix that, I bought some food for Xie's so I won't have to stop by my parents' place. Is that so bad?

I'm glad I have Xie with me. I'm glad he turned down Canada. I'm so proud he was offered the job, I'm so proud he's the #1 Designer in Southern California, I'm so proud he went up to Calgary to see how he likes it. I'm happy, however, that he'll still be with me. I told him that with either decision he makes, I will support him. Obviously, I was leaning towards him staying. I need him &I would hate to have him thousands of miles away from me &our family. However, Calgary would have been such a great opportunity, with better financial circumstances &growth personally &professionally.

So, heading back from that tangent, Xie is far from misery. Yet, I am so compassionate &hate to see my parents &CJ this way. So this leads me to trying to bring more happiness in their lives. &This, then, leads to me being miserable with them. I love them to death, but I can't see how we can get out of being between a rock &a hard place. The only thing that is seemingly on our sides is time. Time for me to work hard &accomplish my goals, in order for them to get some breathing room. Our lives have been tough. I'm looking for the light @the other side of the room. They're needing guidance. For now, I need to let go of them &vice versa so I can seek that light &hopefully guide them to it once I have found it.

It's extremely tough to see my parents' in the situation they're in. Yet, it's tougher for me to accomplish what I have sought out to do if I am being held back by them emotionally.

Back to independence. They're always there as a support just in case, but I think I can hold myself up. I need to.

Sloth.

I slept all day today. It's not just Mondays anymore. What in God's name is wrong with me? Maybe I just need some cash in order to go out &plan more things. Maybe I need to plan better. Maybe I just need to get my ass out of bed!

Summer is turning me into a lazy, desiring woman. This is soooo not how it's supposed to be. I think my brain cells are depleting by the second. My mind is always on some worthless, unimportant subject. Well, today will be a new day. I can start fresh - start new - on hump day!

Pray for me.

Instant Gratification.

Sexuality. It's a hybrid between intimate desires &animalistic instincts. AKA "The Beast." Some famous lyrics I'd like to ponder:

"I want a lady on the street &a freak in the beddd."
"You heard that I was trouble, but you couldn't resist. I make them good girls go baddd."

All of my closest friends know I am horrible @waiting. I'm just a stubborn girl who is impatient @these sorts of things. I just need spice in my life. Is that so bad?

I need a drink. I need _______ on a bagel. Yet, I can't. Get no. Satisfaction.

This dry spell is killingggggg me.

PS: I miss getting comments! Maybe I need to write more.. indepthly? That requires thinking. I'll go back to my writing style if necessary. So... Is it necessary? ♥