Fear.

Some people have a fear of the dark, a fear of loneliness, or a fear of spiders. Me? I have a fear in my brother, CJ, which was only fully activated on Friday. I have a fear in the breakdown of my family. I have a fear of physical abuse between CJ and my father. I have a fear of seeing my mother cry. I have a fear that CJ will do something stupid to harm himself, my father, and/or others around him. &This fear - this fear frightens me to the bone &to the depth of my being.

I hid today. I didn't know what to do. I was left vulnerable by my family. I was left to make decisions - decisions that must be done, yet that are extremely difficult to do. I thought the hard part of my family life ended - back when there was a custody hearing due to social services when I was younger. That was my past life - shaking in the middle of the night in pain, physically and emotionally. Hearing the screams of CJ and my mother due to domestic abuse. That large hump was walked over. Now, here is the next largest hump - dealing with CJ due to the repercussions of his childhood, in his words, more or less.

You are the only one who can choose your actions... &You have chosen. It's so easy to blame other people. Yet, the one thing you can't do is look in the mirror &point the finger @that person. Of all the people in the world, I'm the one that cares for you the most. I believed I knew you. I believed we understood each other. We had our ups &downs, but through it all, I thought we stuck together. This isn't the CJ I know &grew up with. This is the CJ that allowed all the bad events in his life overcome him. The CJ that is drugged up. The CJ that fell in too deep &is now pointing the blame to everyone around him.

Now, our lives will never be the same. How am I going to get through this? I have to act.... A certain way. I can't show weakness or vulnerability in my family. I am their rock &foundation - if I crack, they crack. Yet, I can't help but think this is all my fault. I can't stop asking what if? What if I just played the movie? What if I just let him use my car? What if I just bought him his cigarettes? What if I went outside? What if I didn't leave for breakfast? What if it's all my fault?Calculus, chemistry, microbiology, religion. They never teach you how to deal with this in college.

When is everyone going to find out this is a mask &realize I'm not strong after all?

I'm not the one to speak up or take action. I'm the one that absorbs everything, no matter how bad it is. This is bad. There's no turning back now. There's no pretending nothing happened. There's no hoping this will all disappear.

What am I supposed to do? I fear that this is one aspect in my life I do not know the outcome to. &That - that scares me. Is someone going to die? Is someone going to jail? Is someone going to get hurt? Is someone going to make things right?

So many questions. So many different aspects of fear I am feeling. So many possibilities. What do I want? To be happy. I don't see that in the near future, I fear.

To be continued.