Hello, World of Recluse.

I never thought I'd see the day where I'd follow my word on isolation. Sure, it was a great ideal. However, this year - this semester - it just happened. I've dropped all my social "friends," put myself off the market from these social beings, &honestly, just became a homebody, studying &having fun by losing points in my IQ through television and blogs. It's, in a way, freeing. Yes, isolation can be freeing. I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. It's definitely got my name written all over it, as do many of Ms. Gilbert's faithful readers firmly believe as well. Through the book, I also embarked on my journey to understand my motives, find my stance on spirituality, and reward myself with "me" time. I don't know if it was a coincidence, but I highly believe this was not the matter.

These days, I find myself focusing deeply in my school work &applications - more heavily on my applications. Maybe it's to make up for screwing up badly last semester. Maybe I'm tired of the drama &superficiality of the people around me. Maybe it's time for me to reach for a higher goal &use my intellect &true self to keep real friends rather than dumbing myself down to mediocrity. At a certain point in your life, you just realize you're tired &done with everything. &It's never @one point, it's @many, several points in your life. It's you telling yourself, "You gotta do more, honey. This just isn't cutting it. You know you deserve more." &Right now, more is me focusing on my goals &being able to attain them by stepping forward rather than dwindling at the things that have passed me by. &Lord knows it wasn't my fault that they passed me by, they just weren't meant for me.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify my current solitary life. Maybe this is my start to being a hermit crab, I really don't know. I'm content @the moment &that's okay.

Question of the Day.

Have you ever strongly believed that two people should really, definitely, forever &always be together?

...Even if one of those people included someone you were crazy in love with before &the other person is not you? They're meant to be. They should be together.

Really.

Beautiful Disaster.

Says it all. ♥

A Milestone.

Greetings to you, you who were once a great part of my life, if not my whole life. I sometimes speak of you as if I still know you, as if you are still beside me. Regardless of where we both are in our lives, I still look back &feel appreciation for all that we learned together. Some days, I wonder why I am not in a committed relationship, I feel as if that is my niche in life, but alas it took me some time to realize my full potential, of me just being me. Other days, I see how different we have become &wonder how it all ever came about.

Because you're such a great guy - that's perhaps the reason why. There are many events that sculpt who I am today &you being the great guy you were, had such an impact on me. (&Maybe you still do, I'll never tell.) I'll never forget your sparkling eyes, you're innocent sweetness, your selflessness &your love for me.

Here's to you.

"Curiosity is, in great &generous minds, the first passion &the last.”

-Samuel Johnson

What happens when the connection between my thoughts &my writing begins to disintegrate? What happens when emotion is no longer paved with the heart, but with rules? What happens when I no longer know what to do anymore with anything in my life?

Does maturing make you less "fun," less intuitive? Does growing up force you to lose the link to your cheerful childhood? Questions like these scare me everyday. No, not the questions such as "does he like me back?" When's the next guy gonna enter my life? Why are there so many assignments to do in Organic Chemistry? Why can't I become a night manager already?

Ever since I was a young girl, I pondered on these questions. Questions of time, sanity, love, wisdom &true knowledge. Questions like, "Must there be a means to an end?" Do fate &destiny have a role in our lives, or is it all free will? What is the goal we must achieve before we reach the end of our lives? What came first, the chicken or the egg?

What defines priority and importance? Is it all relative? Is it all black &white? I don't know where I'm going with all these questions. I don't even know if I truly want to know the answers. I'm a big picture kind of gal - &I have not 20/20 vision.

Who Says.

So I'm sitting here in an empty apartment on a Saturday night, listening to "Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin. The live version - it's 100x more intense, I think. I've stumbled on a pot of gold. Well actually, a key to someone's mind. Someone who was a past acquaintance. I feel a sort of commiseration for what I was a part of for just a second.

Confusion, sympathy, yearning, sickness are what's floating around in my mind. A planet where technology is the means of communicating and understanding someone sounds pathetic, but I guess that's what this is. That's what this blog is about, too, isn't it?

I don't know - I still can't wrap my mind around the idea of spending so much time with a person to not even knowing a thing about them anymore. Their motives, their under-workings of their mind. It boggles me. Only one quote can fully encapsulate this : "Everything happens for a reason; people change so that you learn to let go, you believe lies so that you eventually trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." I cannot find this more true than I do at this moment.

Think about it. Don't be a stranger - any on you.

Spring '10.

It's been a long time.

I'm still writing, but mostly in my journals; one is a "venting" journal while the other is my 2009 planner. The latter holds so many secrets that one's mind will quite possibly explode. However, that's besides the point.

Classes for Spring '10 began on Monday, to my dismay. Yes, I already had a nervous breakdown. Yes, I already consumed too many calories due to all the stress I was forcing onto myself. Boo hoo - I'll live. The main point of this week?

I'm unattached. I'm 100% free. Thank the Lord. I never appreciated being single than I do at this moment. When I hear all the girls @my school talking about their love issues, I feel sympathy. When I hear all the girls @my school describe the apples of their eyes, I feel nausea. I believe that I do so much more unattached than when I consume all my energy on a boy who leads me on. It's truly a wonderful time of my life. The next challenge? Keeping my blinders on.

I've been working on my Summer research program apps. I can't believe I'm going to be gone for the summer. If you know me, I'm the one who bums around during summer, calling everyone up to chill. It's definitely going to be a unique experience.

GAH, I'm sorry my writing isn't too engaging or juicy. Perhaps later in this great three-day weekend?

Quote of the Day.

I mean, was there anything on the other side of that kiss that leads you to believe that this chase will end happily?

-George's question to Julianne in "My Best Friend's Wedding" after Julianne kisses Michael, the love of her life &her best friend

This one's for you, m'love. You know who you are. You know what you need to do. I will always be here for you when you feel like your world is collapsing, no matter who or what the suspect is.

Personal Statement.

It's January 8, 2010. My mind is scattered, my thoughts cannot be grasped. How must I be able to confidently &passionately describe what I want to do with my life when I, myself, am very much confused. Maybe it's just a phase. After all, it's almost the end of break &the loss of rest and relaxation would be enough to ignite a shock within me. So, the question is: What do I want to do?

Yes, the obvious answer would be to become a doctor, to obtain my M.D./Ph.D., start my own research group on reproductive endocrinology/infertility while being a practicing OB/GYN. Although I didn't realize my love for biology &everything science until the middle of my first semester as a Nursing major, I knew deep in my heart I wanted to "make a change." Oh, how positively cliche. Let me explain. I had a grandmother who was in her death bed due to a horribly, excruciatingly painful cancer of the bile duct. I saw it consume her every bit. However, the shine in her eyes when she gave me her blessing to switch majors was nothing short of a miracle. I knew then that this is what I was destined to do. After all, this is the road less traveled, the reputation I am making for myself, the promise I am fulfilling not only for me, but for the rest of my family. I am the hope - I cannot &will not relinquish this responsibility that has been bequeathed unto myself. I love science, as well. The ability to easily explain oneself with a chart, with experiments, with logical evidence is wonderful. To bring background to the smallest organisms in the world. To find out the difference in function of a neuronal cell compared to a cell found in stomach lining leaves me dumbfounded. My thirst for knowledge and intellect is quenched by the fountain of everything that is science.

Then, there is the less obvious answer. Well, after writing what I just wrote, I don't fancy it as much. However, it would be good to put it out in the open. There's English and Literature. Oh, my love for reading &writing has expanded since I was eight. Yes, I began a book when I was eight. Yes, I have always had a journal. I loved writing - it was definitely my escape from a bad childhood. Reading made me imagine a life outside of my own; writing allowed me to reflect inside myself. Nonetheless, this is a hobby. If I really loved it as much as science, I would have put time aside to fulfill this desire of the art that is literature. So for now, it will have to take the passenger seat to the subject that I so passionately have written about above in the previous paragraph. Oh, I love alliteration. But anyways, I digress.

I guess what I am trying to do here is to figure out my roots - the roots of my love for education. I love education in general, I love learning, I love teaching. Being able to work in a lab &to teach patients and fellow lab-mates would be my absolute dream. I see myself working in a hospital. I see myself as a leadership figure, no doubt. On the weekends, I will be sitting underneath my cherry blossom tree in my backyard, reading Leo Tolstoy and Jane Austen. However, this is acceptable because I am nothing without my balance. I believe the career I am getting into, becoming a doctor as well as practicing my Ph.D., is just another way of teaching. What I am getting myself into is a world of information, a world of knowledge. Knowledge saves, especially when it comes to medicine. Being able to cure someone's disease or much less a small infection is a hurdle in the world a medicine, but a hurdle nonetheless. It's being pushed to fight in a war, fighting battles with every struggle you face. I am one that loves to learn. I especially love learning how to overcome objections. &That is exactly what diseases, viral infections, unknown growths, &tumors are - they're objections to the human body. &The human body, to me, is the most awe-inspiring organism in the face of the planet (because Lord knows what else is out there in the universe). I have a passion for this. I have the potential to know. I yearn for knowledge. I learn quickly from my mistakes. I own up to any faults or inaccuracies. I live to my word. I have patience. I love to teach &be taught. These are the aspects inside of me that will make me a wonderful doctor and researcher. This is my foundation. My experience will be my walls &ceilings &any intricacies in this building that will house my intellect &growth.

This here, these are my goals. I may not be perfect, I may have billions &billions of flaws. Yet despite that, my resilience pushes me back up &my passion fuels my journey. Because this is the start of a new journey, a new adventure.

Less Gluttony, More Initiative.

Gluttony : |ˈglətn-ē| habitual greed or excess in eating.
I have a problem. No, this isn't a "New Year's Resolution" post. I believe that if you highly desire to make a change in your life, you should just do it & not wait till the New Year. This is more like an epiphany post than anything, if we're labeling.

So, these past few weeks of vacation, I realized that I've been indulging myself in many elements. Not just indulging, however; instead, overindulging. Some of the elements? Sleep. Food. Television. Facebook. My blackberry. My laptop. Gas for my car. Shopping. Spending tons of money on mediocre food. Chocolate. Talking trash. Ice cream. Did I mention food? It's horrible &absolutely disgusting. It's weighing me down, no pun intended. It seems as if I am making plans for myself, but I am not making any of it happen. Yes, I'm an amazing plan-maker &always stick to my word, but when it just involves me, it seems as if I don't actually care. I'm trying to change that. It's less than a week till school starts (Oh dear Lord, help us.) &I need to get back on track. My mind has been wandering, but I'll speak of that later.

I'm just really going to try &get my thoughts in order &this can only begin with initiative. Initiative to get my ass of the bed or sofa. Get my eyes of the TV screen. Put on some running shoes &get out of the house. Initiative to grab my laptop. Get the keys. Sit down in a coffee shop &work on my applications. Initiative to buy my planner. For God's sake, it's the 5th of January &I'm utterly blind to everything without my planner. Initiative to prepare myself for the new semester because we all know it's the fastest semester. I really don't know what has gotten into me recently. We can even maybe track it to last August, but I don't want to get too deep into it without treating this... disease.

No excuses, time to be productive. Time to be me again.

Oh &PS: Yes, I'm over it! Finally.

Quote of the Day.

I think that when you stop looking for perfect, you find perfect.

-Tiffani Sapanghila

After months &months of utilizing this ultra-sensitive word, "perfect", it is clear to me that I used it to describe someone who is heavily flawed &definitely not for me. Slapping myself, shaking myself, &hours of persuading myself to get over him is finally paying off. No, this is not an exaggeration although I tend to overreact many of my actions. Good things come to those who wait - to those who least expect it. However, once you begin expecting it, it's difficult to stop. This is what I am working on.

All I know is that he is definitely not the "perfect" one for me. If I'm missing something in my life, I certainly know now that it is not him - it is the people I miss the most, as well as a higher being that has been unrecognized by me in my life as of late (but that's another story).

I'll complete this aspect of my life soon enough, just not now. At the moment, I am currently keeping myself busy. So, yet again, catch me if you can.