Quote of the Day.

If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?

-"Infatuation" by Maroon 5

Mmm, this feels familiar.

Drospirenone &Ethinyl Estradiol.

So, reading through all of my October posts, it's obvious that the majority of them were about a certain someone. Aren't they all? Realizing all that I put myself through, it's foolish - it all was. No, I don't regret it, but I think it's hilarious how I allow myself to be defeated by such feelings. Maybe it's the extra hormones talking or maybe it's just me coming to my senses. Nevertheless, I'm excited for Wednesday when I leave for the ABRCMS Conference.

Actually, there is one more thing that is bugging me. A particular "break up," actually. If it feels like a break-up, acts like a break-up &forces you to deal with specific situations like a break-up, it's a break-up. &That's my official name for it. ...&Just like a break-up, I don't turn around &ask for the other person back. When I have my mind set, oh baby, it's set. The only thing I do ask for after a break-up is consideration. The one thing I never get back is consideration. So I know you're doing what you're doing, but don't come back around when you feel like it &play with me. My eyes have opened, the blinders are off. Don't restrict me from the world - I'm freeeee. ♥

Quote of the Day.

Because it feels so good. Even just having someone tangible to dream about. It's a double-ended sword.

-Jeanette Sinh

I'm stuck on a feeling, on a dream. Dreams don't die. There's pain either way. We just have to learn to put it aside &move on for the moment. He's everything I want &I don't know why.

A First for Everything.

Well baby you can try to tell me how it is &try to justify everything you did, but honey I'm no fool &I've been down this road too many times with you - I think it's best you go. Well you got nerve to waltz right in &think what's mine is yours again. I've been doing fine without you.

It scares me to know that this will be the first time I'll ever be walking away from anyone. God knows I always stick through till the end, but the truth is that I'm so much better without you.

I'm done with the immaturity, tantrums &let-downs. The passiveness, bottling up of emotions &breakdowns.

Honestly, I'm walking away this time.

Rescue You.

I saw someone worth saving.

Ten Days.

Ten days &I'll be heading to Phoenix for the much-anticipated trip to the ABRCMS National Conference.

It's still all surreal for me. It's scary. I just had an incredibly deep talk with a friend yesterday &honestly, of all the bad luck I complain about having, I'm still lucky to have what I have - to be able to have opportunities like this.

I feel like this trip, regardless of how small and how close by Arizona is, will make me see things differently, or even change me. It's just a feeling. I think it will be good of me to go away from LA for a bit. Away from the Mount. Away from Eagle Rock. Away from Riverside. Away from West Hollywood. Away from Pasadena. &Away from all the people in it &in between.

All my other getaways include having someone with me - always having one constant. But this time, it'll be different. I'll be away from everyone I love &for some weird reason, I'm kind of looking forward to it. Not to say I don't like being with my loved ones. It's just that I'll finally be able to focus on my work and research - my future - without interruptions, distractions &emotional attachments.

Arizona, here I come. ♥

Quote of the Day.

It sucks always being the one before the one.

-Christia Sison

It's been a proven theory. &I'm scared. I need to be prepared.

Quote of the Day.

You need to watch my shitty driving &I need to watch over your emotions.

-Mariana Ruiz

Oh how many things can occur in a matter of 24 hours. We balance each other out. I keep her grounded, she tells me to shoot for the stars. I love this girl.

Happy.

Everyone's afraid, but if you don't even try, you'll constantly be left as the loser in this game we're all forced to play. We've all been hurt before, we've all "been there, done that." We can frequently predict how the next relationship is going to turn out, but is that enough to stop you from checking it out for yourself? Will it stop you from making a deep connection with someone who genuinely likes you &cares for you? Will it stop you from experiencing all those quiet moments, big laughs, beautiful sparks &everything in between? It may not end the way you want it, but honestly... You'd be able to say you cared for someone &was cared for. No one can say they don't want to feel desired, wanted, or needed. I'm sure everyone does. Then why push all that away? I'm not saying to love everyone that gives you the look. I'm saying to see what's out there. To give things a chance. Life's all about learning &gathering information in order to accomplish your goal - your meaning in life. If your meaning in life doesn't have anything to do with other people, then go ahead - fear love, or rather, the capability of feeling love. This isn't a serious thing. Who's to say if it could have been? I'm saying to open your eyes because fear's the only thing not letting you breathe.

I've finally let go &allowed myself to be just me. &I love being able to get out there &see what will come next. I don't care if I make a fool out of myself, end up stupidly heart-broken or waste nights sulking myself in my sorrow &misery. Yeah, it fuckin' hurts like a bitch, crippling you in every way possible, engulfing your mind during every second in the day. However, after those few nights of crying - literally or figuratively - I'm right back up, knowing better. I know more of what I want &what I don't want, how to do things &how not to do things. You - on the other hand - are abandoned due to not knowing, due to restraints, due to fear.

I'm not going to apologize for anything I do. I'm not going to regret every decision I've made that doesn't turn out the way I want it. There doesn't have to be a means to an end. There just has to be a path - either one that you follow or one that you make for yourself. Either way, don't be @a stand still. We're all better than that &I'm pretty sure we all deserve more than that.

Don't stop your instincts &as cliche as it may sound - follow your heart. You may not see it now, but one day, you'll finally be able to be happy.

Mysteries Solved.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

*My campus is a no-bike, no-skateboard area. I've biked in the Circle before with security watching.
*I absolutely adore my brothers - both of them.
*I love Tolstoy &have been in the process of reading Anna Karenina for 17 months now.
*I hate staying @home for longer than 12 hours - unless I'm sleeping.
*The only thing I look forward to in the holidays is working retail.
*I'm book-smart. I'm sooo not street-smart.
*I sometimes contemplate if the people who drive luxury cars know how much of a douche they are.
*I absolutely respect college basketball @the NBA. Lamar Odom♥.
*If I were to get a tattoo with words, it would be Adele's lyrics I have on the upper right-hand corner of my page.
*I have a rose sticker on my box cutter @work to remind me of working in Pasadena.
*The only music I won't listen to is heavy metal. Sorry. &Maybe trance, house &ska.
*If you don't like Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, I'll look @you funny... then try to convert you.
*I've decreased the amount of times I say, "that's what she said." But I'm constantly thinking it.
*"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be good. (Natasha Bedingfield)
*You can never be a glutton of naptime.
*If there were earmuffs for noses - nosemuffs - I'd be first in line to buy one.
*I hate when people have PowerPoint presentations &just read off the slide.
*I don't regret any decision I've made in my life.
*I've never crushed on anyone first, went out with them &then really like them - until this year.
*I'm not afraid of not being a teenager anymore - I've squeezed out everything there is I could out of my teenage years. I'm ready for my twenties!

&One for good luck: My favorite music artists that will never change are Christina Aguilera, John Legend, Michael Buble, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum &Kellie Pickler. I listen to music as a way of therapy. It keeps my sanity &acts like my fairy god-mother, always guiding me to the right direction.

Let's pray for this year to be blessed with love, life &living. [:

Don't Be a Ho.

These days, kids are acting older &older. We're @that point in our lives where we're finding what we want - where we experiment to the utmost.

But, as my title says, don't be a ho. Or, rather - know the consequences. If you sleep around constantly, just know what people will think. I'm not super conventional or traditional, but I know that with every action you choose to do, there will be ramifications. What goes around comes around, baby. That's not a hard concept to understand.

Got 'Em.

Yeah, I've got some big-ass balls - I'm not gonna lie. I told you all that I hate playing games &never abide by the rules. So, finally, here's the proof.

No one should ever be left in the dark. I'm put in that position constantly when it comes to scenarios like these. I was tired of it. I don't want to be wasting my time on something that isn't there. I had a wake-up call &I don't regret it. Sure, in the short-run it seems like it's a foolish thing to do - crazy, even. I don't mind one bit. I know what I want &I'm not afraid to look it in the eye &get it - if it's attainable.

This time it wasn't. But hey, odds were it wouldn't be. "Hope for the best, expect the worst," baby. That's life.

Of course, it might get weird, but it comes with the territory. There's plenty of fish in the sea, there's so much out there - I don't doubt it.

So, what's next?

Take a deep breath. Look up. &Move on.

Quote of the Day.

I'm sick of all the rules... The overwhelming odds have it ending badly. &When that happens, it will be one out of a million possible reasons, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. If it does fail - so help me God - it's not gonna be because of some rule.

-Ted on How I Met Your Mother

I am sick of all the rules. Break them.

Beauty in the Breakdown.

Photograph by Bullet Salvador.

"What do you want to do?" It's a common question that everyone keeps asking me. It's not that simple. I'm not complicated, but just wanting something is not a good enough reason to do something. Omy gosh. If I'm able to bluntly ask you what your intentions are, it would be so much easier. What am I afraid of? Misunderstanding the situation, overanalyzing the scenario, interpreting it all wrong. I just don't want to look like the fool. I'm constantly playing that card. If it didn't mean anything for me, I wouldn't give a fuck. But it does. For me. Sorry, but you chose the wrong girl. I'm gaga over you &I can't handle it. Can't you see it? Can I just please get a straight answer? Can't you just look me in the eye &tell me all of it doesn't mean anything, that it was all impulsive? That I was the closest thing you could get your hands on &it was all in vain? That I was so easy to tamper with that you couldn't resist not using me to your advantage? That it's all in fun? That you were thinking of someone else? That it really was just the song? That I'm a time-filler in your busy life? That I hold no significance to you whatsoever? That you thought you saw what you wanted in me, but realized it's not there?

I need all of this to go away. I need you to do it quick - like a band-aid. The sooner I know - the sooner you can verify my over-analyzations, misinterpretations, and misunderstanding of it all - the faster I'll be put out of this misery.

I should have known. I should have known. I should have known. Stop falling. Stop looking. Stop being careless with your heart. This is not worth it. Odds are that I won't be getting what I want. Why couldn't I just go through the motions & not challenge these odds? Why did I have to risk it?

Put me out of my misery, please. I'm breaking down &I see no beauty in it. Release me from your grasp.

Quote of the Day.

I understand feeling as small &as insignificant as humanly possible. &How it can actually ache in places you didn't know that you had inside of you. &It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail &wonder what you did wrong &how you could have misunderstood... &how in the hell for that brief moment you could think you were that happy. &Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light &show up @your door. &After all that - however long "all that" may be - you'll go somewhere new &you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. &Little pieces of your soul will finally come back &all that fuzzy stuff - those years of your life that you wasted - that will eventually begin to fade.

-The Holiday

Risky Behavior.

I'm forgetting the weather changes. I'm forgetting my birthday. I'm forgetting the holidays. I'm letting go of the rain. I don't know what it is, but I really don't care. I'm happy at the moment even if everyone around me has questions. I'm scared, yes. But who would have ever thought I'd go this far? Who would have ever thought I'd be in this position? It's all new to me &I really don't mind. ...at the moment, of course.

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." I'm just afraid of crashing hard on the rocks without having to see a glimpse of what's ahead of me. My friend, Bryan, said that you can't get up from falling without falling hard &hitting the ground. I'm just so afraid to hit that floor - to hit rockbottom. It takes so much effort to raise yourself back up from a tiny decision you made just to tell the truth. &It's not fair. When is life ever fair?

No one ever wants to look like a complete jackass. No one ever wants to seem vulnerable. There's the fear. In Lloyd Alexander's Book of Three, one of the characters say, "Once you have courage to look upon evil, seeing it for what it is and naming it by its true name, it is powerless against you, and you can destroy it." This is a fear all of us have. Not just a fear of new, unchartered territory, but a fear of getting there &being rejected. But isn't it better to know for sure rather than longing &waiting, keeping your feelings bottled up &saved for something that is unknown? I'm so scared, but I'm so happy it happened. I must be extremely lame or just oblivious to everything.

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." &I'm 102% sure this is everything I want. ...So I'm not gonna give it up. But where do I go from here?

A Change. Part Two.

I just wanted one aspect of my life that doesn't involve you. &It felt sooooo good. The constant stress, attacks &stubbornness absolutely killed me, breaking me down emotionally, mentally, &financially. After that, you never crossed my mind. I was finally the "me" I can be, as sad as that sounds. So you don't know me anymore &frankly, I don't want you to.

You have got to be kidding me.

Let's Take a Step Back.

I found the old teddy bear he got me for my 17th birthday. You know, the one that you can write all over with markers, wash &repeat. The one that he made all my friends sign before my birthday without me knowing. The one that I was completely surprised with because he remembered our conversation from months prior about how I always wanted that specific bear. The super cute one with the cheesy line he wrote saying, "If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus a day so I never have to live without you" on its heart. The one that when I look at it, I think of the past. Yeah, that one.

&For some odd reason, I brought it up to my room. Whyyy?

Or, rather, a better question: Should I sleep with it/her?

He's Just Not That Into You

Men build bridges. If they want to find your phone number or anything else, they will. They will build huge, massive bridges to get to you.

I guess that's true &I guess I just don't want to believe it. Stubborn, much?

But two wrongs won't make a right. How do you know if too much is too much? I hate being in "like." You just made such an impression on me that I don't know what to do. &This is rare. Rare. I always hold on to the last thread as if it's what's keeping me together. I hate to say that I regret that night. But I think I would have regretted it either way. I constantly say to myself, "It's for the better." I don't know you. You don't know me. Why should I overthink something that probably does not exist? Why am I overthinking it right now?

Because I'm me. ha. Lamest excuse in the book. I like giving people excuses. I like giving them the benefit of the doubt. &That will be the end of me. I constantly give to other people, putting them ahead of me. I thought that would be the best. I hate seeing people hurt - I always fall for the sob story. I like fixing things &making people feel better. I thought that, after all the times you've been hurt, I could be the one that you could count on.

But I'm getting too ahead of myself. Like I always do. My mind is running at about 100 miles per minute &I'm still not getting to a conclusion.

It's called circular reasoning, baby. &Since the day I met you, I've been running around in circles. If word gets around to you, please give me a definite answer. But then again, you may just not be that into me.

Quote of the Day.

I hate being in like.

-Jeanette Sinh

I absolutely do. I'm either content being single or content being in a relationship. The in-between is terrible, confusing, draining, &shameful. Downright embarrassing.

Quote of the Day

Every time a guy let me down, I worried I was one step closer to living my life alone forever, rather than seeing it as one step closer to the guy who finally wouldn't let me down.

-The Frisky

If you blend me in with someone else, I guarantee I'll treat them right. I'll put them first. &I swear to God, I won't play any games. I'll tell you how it is. I'm so caught up in settling to that feeling that I don't realize I'm being taken for granted - taken advantage of.

Being selective definitely has its perks, but whyyyy do I tend to fall for the ones I shouldn't? Please, don't let me down.