Rant.

I know what we have is dead and gone. I just wonder, do you ever think of me anymore? Do you?

When you go to the same events, visit the same places, talk to the same people, &do the exact same things, doesn't it make you remember?

I get that no one can avoid anything the rest of their lives. &I am absolutely &completely happy for you. I would just like some consideration on your part for my feelings.

I've learned to keep things private. I've learned to make new memories. I've learned to move on. Once in a while, it crosses my mind - how things went down. You were such a huge part of my life that it's impossible to just entirely rid you from my mind. However, I've also learned that I deserve better. I'm not gonna be held down due to something that didn't last.

Relationships with guys: Ehh. It's the relationship I have with my family, my friends, &more importantly, how I treat myself that is of great significance. When the one comes, I'll know - thanks to the lessons I've learned from you. I still haven't found him yet &that's ok. If she's the one, then great. Congratulations.

I was just wondering... Do you?

Miss Independent.

She's fly effortlessly.

How did I get here? To being so torn, that is. I still don't believe I've lost myself in all this. I've just stopped taking care of myself. Not physically, academically, professionally, or anything of that sort. Yet, the major aspect remains: emotionally. Sometimes I forget about that aspect in my life, mainly because I let it control me behind closed doors. It doesn't get in the way of my physical health, academics, or work. However, it does slowly become something larger, mostly due to my passiveness &inability to just let it all out. That's actually a different story. Let's get back to my main point.

All my life, I had to learn for myself to not be dependent on many people. I mean, it just wasn't really possible for me to become dependent on anyone or anything when I was younger, due to the instability of things. Yet, I learned. &I'm definitely fine with it because I've understood for some time now that this just makes me stronger. Independence, right?

Well, I have recently fallen in love with an incredible person. I'm ready for a relationship. I want a relationship. But does that take away my independence? Does that make me dependent on the person? That's the struggle I've been having lately. I value my independence so much &I wouldn't have myself be any other way. But I also know I can't control how I feel about someone. As much as I'd like to put reason above emotion, I'm an emotional gal (as if you couldn't tell already). However, I know when enough is enough &I have my boundaries.

To quote the amazingly great Mariana, "Wanting to be in a relationship is different from needing to be in a relationship." I don't need you to be with me... I don't need to be with you. I want to be with you &if you're not ready, OK. I'll always be by your side as the girl behind everything. I'm still gonna get my shit done &stay the person I am, but I will not drop everything if this doesn't work out... Or even if it does.

&That's what makes me independent. Although shit happens, situations change, I fall in love, I still am who I am. I'm still motivated, determined. I am disciplined, I am focused.

Baby, don't get it twisted.

No One on the Line.

I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called &then you feel so low you can feel nothing at all. And you flashback to when he said he would try &it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

I keep waiting for something to give, but that something is always me. Baby, it's a fine line, but you're taking your sweet time.

I try sooo hard &treat him so well. But why do I do it when I don't get anything in return? I just don't like playing games, so I'll tell you how it is. I despise this feeling of getting dragged along.

When I'm in the right state of mind, I see that this is all so pathetic. Come on, working this hard and not even getting the least bit in return? Let's be real, Christia, it's unsatisfactory &utterly pitiful. But when I'm in the state of mind that I usually am in [&I don't want to necessarily call it the wrong state of mind, but..] I still feel this is going to pay off. I am not going to stop/end this. I don't like to control that... because I stay till the end. If this is going to be put to a stop, you do it because I don't let go. Spell it out for me, keep on treating me this way. But do not be inconsistent. Because that... that's leading me on &giving me false hopes.

You're not sure that you can love me, but you're not sure enough to let me go. Baby it ain't fair, you know? To just keep me hangin' 'round.

You say you don't wanna hurt me, don't wanna to see my tears. So why are you still standing here, just watching me drown? You not making up your mind is killing me and wasting time. I need so much more than that.

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road. There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway. So just leave the pieces when you go. -The Wreckers - Leave the Pieces.

Sometimes, song lyrics just do it much better.

<3

Tell Me Why.

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not. You tell me that you love me, then you cut me down. Why do you have to put down my dreams when you're the only thing on my mind?

This love is difficult, but it's real. I don't know if there's anything wrong - if I'm doing something wrong - but I hate feeling like I'm being pushed away. &That's what he's doing. I know he sees what he's doing to me... Just tell me why.

I've learned in the past year that I just don't like playing games. I like you, I'll tell you. If I want to see you, you'll know. If I miss you, it's obvious. It definitely has its cons, mainly because I'm out there - open to being hurt, used, and incredibly vulnerable. I risk it because I know I'm happy when I'm with you &I'm pretty sure you feel the same. I'd rather be with you than make you wait &pretend I'm not thinking about you when I'm alone. I feel like I know him a little more this time &it's getting better. ...I just hope this isn't false hope, you know? You know how the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I don't want to regret this. I don't want to be fooled &be left broken-hearted again.

I think I'm ready. Blunt. Out in the open. Unmistakable.

Now, you - tell me why.

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PS: Hi, Riddhilove<3.

Writer's Block.

So I heard that freestyle writing - writing whatever comes to mind that includes, but is not limited to, feelings, current situations, randomness - helps overcome writer's block. I have a paper for my Philosophy Theory of Knowledge class due tomorrow. Ugh. It's on KNOWLEDGE - "What I Know and Why/How I Know It." Great. Absofuckinglutely great.

Knowledge? I don't seem to have much of that lately, mostly a priori knowledge... Logic, common sense. Nope and nope. I've just been off lately &I don't see why. Last week, I was great. I got my work done &did everything my schedule told me to do. I didn't skip classes, work @the Business Office, or - more importantly - work @Crate. But this week... Oh no. I think I've mostly turned school mode off and winter break mode on. &I highly do not recommend this, mainly because I have shit to do. Hence, the "punishment" - sitting outside my room in the hallway rather than comfortable inside.

Maybe that's the problem... I need to get more comfortable.

Ugh, boring post... I know. I'll update with the juicyness later.

Promise.

Category Mistake.

According to Gilbert Ryle, it is a mistake that shows you don't understand what kind of thing (category) something is. For example, asking the question "Is the law legal?" is a blatant category mistake. For someone to ask this, they may not understand the meaning of legal, or more importantly, the meaning of the law.

The question that I constantly ask is "Is this territory - the territory between friends and dating - a real relationship?" To analyze this question further, we must understand the meaning of a real relationship. A relationship is a connection between two people - at least the kind of relationship I am speaking of. However, a real relationship - as defined by me, &hopefully by most - is one where there is mutual caring, understanding, and effort by the two parties in question. Pretty easy, right? Now, we must look to the definition of the territory I mentioned... "between friends and dating." Now that... that cannot even be defined as a word. There's a connection and some sort of relationship there, but what is it? Red flag: it cannot even be described. It is possible the rules for it may be frequently changed by one party or the other. &This changing of rules... this is not a mutual caring, understanding, or effort, to say the least. This is a category mistake to ask this question because it does not even come close to the grounds of a real relationship. This territory is blurred, undefinable, unreal.

Now what to do with this unreal relationship? Although this territory cannot be described, it is still a territory I am stuck in. Am I okay being stuck here? Am I okay with the uncommitment? Am I okay with the longing? Am I okay with the constant changing of rules? Am I okay with the person this situation is forming me into?

I am not always unhappy. There are days, moments, nuances that make me hold on - that make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But, honestly, there are also times when I feel like, "Is this all there is?" Specifically, "Is this all I can get from him?" I don't believe it because I see it and feel it on the times we spend alone. The truth is, no one really can understand us. &That - that is where the downfall lies. Who is able to tell me I have to let go? I don't want to.

But am I making a category mistake when I ask "Can I hold on to something that is not defined as being there?"

In Love.

It’s a shame I didn’t meet him before because, now, I wanna see him more than I should. Who's to blame when he’s always on my mind? And I’d see him all the time if I could. And I hope that he cares about me because I know that I care for him. I just wanna hold his hand, be his. I wanna know if he’d take a chance.

If i could plan the perfect day, love, then I would start it just like this: Good morning.

♥.

What Hurts the Most.

I said Ma &Lolo I'm going to love you till you don't hurt no more. See you're unbreakable, unmistakable, highly capable, a living legend, too. Just look at what heaven do - sent us angels, and I thank you. I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you.
Let me tell you what I'm about to do - I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm going back to school. I appreciate what you allowed for me. I just want you to be proud of me.

(I don't have a photo of Lolo, yet.) It still hurts just as much when I think about them. It's been a year since the passing of Ma. She passed away from cholangiocarcinoma, a cancer that is always diagnosed late - a very rare type of cancer. It was all unimaginable. It was all unexpected. The hardest thing was to say bye bye.

Yesterday would have been Lolo's birthday. He passed away from myeloma. He underwent chemo, but his heart couldn't take it. He knew it was time to go &follow my grandma.

I miss both of them. I always regret not taking time to know them more. But it still hurts as bad. It's the little things I noticed. Like Ma's releno - a type of dish. She'd make extra just for me &knew that it was my favorite food. &Lolo's unconditional love. He was always so proud of us - of how well we grew up &the doors we were opening up. They didn't have money, they didn't have jewelry, they didn't have worldy items. They had time, they had love, they had their family. &If anything, that is what they have taught me - to put love &family first. To cherish &be appreciative of everything &everyone around them. Because they didn't have a lot - &that, that was okay. They never asked for much, but they lived as much as they could.

I hope that they're looking down on us &have a sense of pride. I hope they're happy &content to what we all have become. I am focused, I am disciplined. I am because of them.

Losing such passionate, loving, unjudging grandparents - or anyone else, for that matter, is what hurts the most. However, I can't also help but contemplate on how their suffering is over. They're okay. They're safe, they're always remembered.

I love you both &we'll see each other again. Thank you.

Come Close.

Come close to me, baby. Let your love hold you. I know this world is crazy... What's it without you?

Put down your bags love. I know in the past, love, has been sort of hard on you, but I see the God in you. I just want to nurture it, though this love may hurt a bit. I want to build a tribe with you, protect and provide for you. Truth is I can't hide from you - the pimp in me may have to die with you.

I know what you're thinking - you're on my mind. You're right, you're right, you're right. You promise so fast, you just might take flight. Hope your not tired, tonight, tonight.

You help me to discovery me. I just want you to put trust in me. It's destiny that we connected. You and I, we can affect the world. I'm tired of the fast lane, I want you to have my last name.
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If life is what you make it, here’s my chance... I’ll take it. You know I wanna make you mine. I have this picture in my mind - you were in it all the time. So baby hold on tight.

And drive all night with me. Sing my favorite song and sleep under the stars on the hood of our car. It’s all I’ve ever wanted - all I ever wanted was to see you in the pale moonlight, just the way you look tonight. And maybe some day, if love comes our way, we’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring. You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring. Can you see it? I believe it, that it’s true. All I ever wanted - all I ever really wanted was you.
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Life's busy, life's a mess. It's absolute chaos. &To find something greater than all of that - a place of relaxation, learning, being oneself, loving - is amazing.

I will keep it close to my heart, becoming my passion &nourishment for every day I am blessed to live.

The end.
...for now, of course.

I Wanna Be With You.

You could buy me diamonds, you could buy me pearls, take me on a cruise around the world. Baby, you know I'm worth it. Dinner light by candles, run my bubble bath, make love tenderly to last, and last. Baby, you know I'm worth it.

Wanna please; wanna keep; wanna treat your woman right? Not just told, but to show, that she knows she's worth your time. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her and a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her. And a real woman knows a real man always comes first and a real man just can't deny a woman's worth.

If you treat me fairly, I'll give you all my goods. Treat you like a real woman should. Baby, I know you're worth it. If you never play me, promise not to bluff. I'll hold you down when it gets rough 'cause baby, I know you're worth it.

She rolls the mile; makes you smile, all the while being true. Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

No need to read in between the lines, I'll spell it out for you. Just hear this song 'cause you can't go wrong when you value a woman's worth.


If you can handle this, I want to be with you - I do.
-I just don't want to get hurt again... because you hurt me pretty bad. Either way, I'm pretty sure there will always be something there. &That something doesn't have to lead to anything... because I'll always be there for you.

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