The Verdict.

I'd do it again.

Given, there were ups &downs, but isn't there always? It was interesting, funny, new, &unexpected. As much as I replayed every known way this day could go, I could have never imagined this. One alarm that set off in my head was when he said "I'm blunt." hahaha, like I never dated a blunt guy before. I know how it is. So I guess it was kind of cute. Also, he kind of spilled a lot of beans on his life, ex-girlfriends, sex life, personal relationships &lifestyle. As much as I see it as him being "open," there's a part of me that sees it as a trap. I have walls now, it seems. Yes, they're flimsy cardboard walls, but they're walls. It's good though. I'd rather play this game to know he's worthy to come in than let him in, fall & not get caught. Games are fun. Besides, it isn't an exclusive thing. It was a hang-out, which means... Next! I'm a great multitasker!

But the point was (haha, like I'm really gonna write a whole blog for one dude I don't even know!) boys will be boys. There's no exception &you just have to work around it. If you plan it right, you can get the most out of it for your advantage. I'm always going to come back to this objective: Summerboyyyyy♥.

He passes as a nominee. Let's shift through the next ones...

Beautiful.

"Beautiful" is a word I believe should be said rarely. Only when one means it. A day can be beautiful. A work of art can be beautiful. People can be beautiful. If you don't know a person, you wouldn't know if they're beautiful or not. That's when game comes in. Fucking pick-up lines &sweet talk. It's fun, hell yes, but saying "beautiful?" Really? I guess in this game, anything goes. It's just a pet peeve of mine, I guess. To me, "beautiful" is like "I love you." You have to really mean it &know a person/day/artwork to say it. Haha, I'm so serious with this word. Even ask my first ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago &he'll say I never let him use the word on me. Of course he did, I fell, &was not caught. lol. But isn't that how all of my relationships turn out?

Anyways... For me to write an entire blog on this one word means a lot, doesn't it? Well, it's related to a thing I have tomorrow. I'm excited because I get to go out, but I'm also nervous to find out if they're actually interesting to hang out with. Don't forget about being scared if things actually hit off. Yes, scared. Like I said in my previous blog, I have never been "alone" in Summer. 2 out of 3 times, it stays in the Summer. 3 out of 3 times, I fell. Hard. Mariana &I had a talk about this months ago when I first met the person. Should I see how it is or not? Will I be able to keep myself from falling? Because I have to admit... He's in the positive zone for points.

I just have to see what my game plan is. He's already started using the word. Gotta adjust.

Time to playyyy. Let's play a love game.

"My blood runs purple &gold..."

This is one of the reasons I love the beginning of Summer. NBA Playoffs, baby! I only started getting back into basketball two Summers ago, when I hung out with CJ a lot. Last playoff season was fun, too. However, this year - this year's intense &I love it. My bruises love it, too. They turn purple &gold. My dreams are inundated with Laker players! haha. How crazy. To this point, I've dreamed about Trevor Ariza, Lamar Odom &Jordan Farmar. On separate nights. Playoff season is exciting for me &I love the time I block off for Laker games to hang out with my family. Guess I killed two birds with one stone, eh?

Last night, the Lakers won the Western Conference Finals! Hell to the yes. Thursday's Game 1. You knowww what I'll be doing that night:

Bleeding purple &gold, baby.

I Run To You.

This world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster, so I run to you. I run to you baby &when it all starts coming undone, baby you’re the only one I run to. I run to you.

Completely random flashbacks. This is absolutely crazy.

*After lots of thinking &emotional breakdowns &recaps of the two loves in my life, I think I have finally discovered the switch to the lightbulb. While replaying Keith Urban's "You'll Think of Me," I am writing this. I looked through photos &good memories. Through videos &old journals. Through hurtful memories that go along with songs &sudden remembrance of reasons we departed from our relationship. The second love - the most hurtful due to it being the freshest scar - was revisited today through arbitrary visual means. As I was looking through this means, I thought to myself, "I hope he's happy." I don't feel any anger anymore. I know I should considering the circumstances, but I honestly don't. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everything happens for a reason. I know that this is just another "bump in the road." As Rascal Flatts explains it, "Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars." It's just another experience &I should take it how it is. I don't miss it. It's in the past &I like keeping it that way. I hope you're happy with her. I hope it works out. We're all in the game to win. I hope you found your winner. You weren't mine. Why feel bad if a banana is a banana? It can't be an orange. So move on &look for your orange, right? Weird metaphor, but I think the point was made. It's okay, I'm okay &I'm going to be mature about it. Thank youuu.

Now... The first love. The love photographed above. Wow. I think I've written many, many, many posts on him. There are no excuses I can make as to why I have. For sure, however, it is not because I'm still "stuck" or "hurt." Truthfully, it's because it was such a great experience with learning, experimenting, loving &pushing each others' limits. Although I look &act incredibly different than how I was back then with him, I'm the same person with the same basic morals. Looking back @the bad in the relationship, all I can think about is the frustration, the common misunderstandings, the unfit puzzle pieces. We grew apart. But looking @the wonderful experiences, all I can see are singing, driving, eating, running, quiet times, &much much more. It paved the ground for the foundation that was about to build. The foundation of Christia. The beginning of the adventures of Christia. Because I think we've all learned by now that it isn't where you're going, but the adventure that takes you there.

Ugh, here's my closure to both of you. I don't care about the reasons why I never received it. I can find peace myself. Because of you. You've only made me stronger through the hardships I had to overcome with you &without you. So, with this, I run to you to relive my journey. To assess my adventure. To learn from my mistakes instead of being hindered by them. I've broken free. I'll find my winner. I found my winner: me. I'm hoping you have found yours &are happy. Because I am. You all know meeee♥.

*Written after hours of thought, stubbornness, &contemplation. Hence, the tone change. [=

Originally by LeAnn Rimes.

Wild @Heart.

Those stars burn like diamonds, hell bent on chasin' down that crazy spark.

Such great lyrics. I just wanted to share. (Gloriana - Wild at Heart)

I'll update more in the following days with So Much for "Independent." &Calgary (unofficial title).

I love Summer. I'll follow you where you're leading to the first sweet taste of freedom. You got me runnin' baby, wild at heart.

Love Sex Magic.

Doing tricks you never seen &I bet that I can make you believe in love &sex &magic.

Tell your girlfriend, if she says she's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of her.

You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.


Summer '09 is slowly hitting me. Today with Kevin was sooo much fun. Being out is working wonders for me. Window shopping, movies, driving, LA culture shocks &last but not least... BJ's late night! I had a great time. I'm genuinely happy right now. I looooove my amazing friends, my brothers, Laker games, nature trails, NBA Finals, &the heat! Tomorrow: Downey, Manhattan Beach &Riverside. I'm readyyyy to devirginize this uneventful Summer. Although Hawaii is not in my schedule, I'll do the best I can to make this year memorable with my loved ones.

(BTW, I realized that I've haven't spent a Summer alone since 2003.) My missions this Summer shall be accomplished. It's about killing two three birds with one stone, right Kev? hahaha. I'm not a fucking "man-eater."

...but if I were, watch out boys, I'm coming. ♥

Do Something.

It's a touchy subject. Bluntly, it's pathetic, superficial &utterly unnecessary. However, I felt a need to blog about it. To make it more like a contract per say.

Since the ending of senior year of high school, weight has been a direct issue. When I was younger, I wasn't the skinniest. It's always in the back of my mind &it absolutely kills me. But now.. now, it's the last straw. I am not getting FAT this Summer. It's funny, actually. Comparing photos of me before Summer, during Summer &after Summer in 2008.
























I'm drawing the line here. If not now, then when?

I try to run in the mornings usually 3-5 times a week. I'm about to join 24 Hour Fitness again, which I adore. The only thing I really need to watch is.. FOOD. Which literally kills me. It's my Achilles' heel. It's the ultimate temptation. It's my life. haha, which is what fatasses say. But anyways... I'm learning to moderate. I'm learning from scratch... sort of. I'm trying to take some attention away from my knowledge of great restaurants &desserts to great trails &adventures. From debilitating to productive. How... fitting. (No pun intended.)

I don't want to be that girl anymore. I'll really give you something to talk about this time. I'm going to do it right this time around. I'm going to give myself a clear conscience. I'm taking this into my own hands. I'm going to do something.

I'm all about loving yourself &having confidence in what you have, not about constantly desiring something else. I still love myself, hence me allowing myself to be healthier &act out my love of working out. If I'm not happy @the end of the day by missing a nice, Summer morning jog, then I'm going to do something about it.

I know my limits &sticking to them is getting boring &unbelievably too comfortable. Time to push them, bitches.

Two Can Play.

I need a challenge. My brain is turning into mush. I need someone that challenges me intellectually and creates more passion than a romance novel. Honestly, there hasn't been any firing up of sparks - aside from lust - anymore. Games can be fun, but who knows how to play them right nowadays? Fuck the "player" &"pimp" status, who can be charming, captivating &smart about it as well? I'm not looking, but nothing's around. I know what I want &I know it hasn't punched me between the eyes yet. Why did I have to settle so many useless times? It was idealistic - it was all in my mind. I made each relationship after the first one to mold into the way I wanted it to in order to fill the void the first one caused. The first love is always a great love - always. However, it is mostly the trial &error relationship, the relationship which is experimental, capable of molding, foundational test. Basically.

Anyways, my point is: Why settle? Why search for things that are obviously not going to do me justice? Just because everyone else is doing it? We live in a world containing human beings with countless insecurities. Why must we succumb to the popular act of finding someone to replace those insecurities with a band-aid? I really dislike hearing people's stories of sleeping around &playing other people when I can see right through them. Fuck, man. Seriously? Flaunt your great new chick, mmmkay. Whatever makes all of you sleep better @night. However, is that really the smart way of approaching things? Maybe everyone would be able to sleep better @night if they knew how to pleasure oneself first. Mentally. Not physically. (Although knowing how to do so physically is always good, too.) So that's what I'm focusing on because, obviously, I just don't get stimulated nowadays with anyone. Why waste time with hominids &fillers? Blah.

Girls just wanna have fun. Do it right. Impress me.

Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week.

Blah. Boys are easyyyy.

To read. To get. To understand one's motives. In general.

The end. Now... Back to my missions.

One Song.

If there was one song &only one song that I could choose as my favorite - considering lyrical quality &message, as well as an emotional attachment to it - it would have to be Anna Nalick's amazing song Shine. Not only do the lyrics easily draw you in, but everytime you hear it, you discover a different message. There are so many ways to interpret this in any situation you find yourself in. It has the capability to empower you. This always empowers me. Listen/read for yourself. It's a song everyone should listen to @least once in their lives. (In my opinion, of course.) ♥

Oh, the night makes you a star &it holds you cold in its arms. You're the one to whom nobody verses, I love you. Unless you say it first. So you lie there, holding your breath &it's strange how soon you forget that you're like stars - they only show up when it's dark cause they don't know their worth.

&I think you need to stop following misery's lead. Shine away, shine away, shine away.

Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are? We're all waiting on your supernova cause that's who you are &you've only begun to shine.

There are times when the poets and porn stars align &you won't know who to believe in. Well that's a good time to be leaving. &The past, it knocks on your door &throws stones at your window @4 in the morning. Well maybe he thinks it's romantic. He's crazy, but you knew that before.

&I think you need to stop following misery's lead. Shine away, shine away, shine away.

Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are? We're all waiting on your supernova cause that's who you are &you've only begun to shine.

Yeah, you've only begun to shine.

My Hometown.

Photography by cheryljns.

Eagle Rock, CA. Small town, small population, big heart. You know the saying, "You never know what you have until it's gone?" Well, I never realized how great of a place my parents raised me in. I have never been this grateful. &Yet, I am.

I went out for a run today in Eagle Rock &Pasadena - a run I started doing 2 years ago. It still stuns me how I wasn't able to see all this until today. All I saw were smiling neighbors, friendly faces &heard sweet "Good Mornings." I don't know a town where people still do that. Eagle Rock, Pasadena &Glendale will always have my heart - who am I trying to fool? San Fransisco, yes. But my hometown cannot be beat. It's a perfect mix of a small town in a large city. &Those who know me best know I'm a city gal. I'm glad to be staying here for my break. Perhaps this year, I will finally be able to find that trail leading to the Rock. Trespassing will be so worth it. Trails - along with food - have my heart. Eagle Rock will carefully possess it.

I'm proud to say that this - this right here - is my hometown. (Corny, I know.) ♥

No Rain, No Rainbow.

No rain, no rainbow. I gently wipe the dripping water away from my eyes. Before I know it, the rain's stopped. Silence envelops me. The rainbow arch has appeared; so that I'll say something. The smell of the asphalt after the rain puts me at ease. My worn out heart suddenly begins to dance. I dance in a puddle, below that rainbow.

&So Summer '09 has begun. It honestly feels like this whole year went by incredibly fast. I don't think it has even hit me yet because I just finished my last paper &I have not yet packed up. Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel it.

This school year has been crazy. &That's being nice. Through all the rain, the rainbow has finally appeared. I'm excited, scared, and anxious to relax... Even if it's just for a little bit. I feel like I'm academically turned on 24/7, however. I'm kind of afraid to have to turn school mode off just to turn it back on again in a couple of months. Waittttt. What am I saying? I deserve this break. It's not like I'm turning off my brain. I will finish reading Anna Karenina. Pinky promise.

I'm not going to have any expectations this Summer. What will be done will be done. All I have planned is work and research. Other than that, everything's open. I feel a change coming on soon &it's not just the change of environment. I just pray that everything will be fine. I'm a simple girl. I've had too much rain pouring on me. I'm ready for the bright shiny rainbow.

I've only begun to shine♥.

Maybe the Moon's Just a Hole in the Sky...

...One day @a time my world is shattering. Maybe the answer is to never ask why as I watch my life unraveling, unraveling.

With every day that passes by, I understand more why obstacles were put in front of me. It just takes patience, something that I know I am learning throughout all of this. I'm absolutely grateful for having the night I just had. My friends are amazing. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but where I am right now. From crappy tennis games to watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. From long talks with Evelyn to watching baseball (&maybe even appreciating it, too) with Leslie. From "The Notebook" to taco-truck burritos and quesadillas. From cutting my bangs (!!) to the playlist I'm currently listening to. I couldn't have framed it any better.

It just keeps getting better. I'm seeing it now... as it's unraveling.

Breakthrough.

Photography by Kyle-Louis Galvez.

In less than one week, I'll be done with my sophomore year. In less than one week, I'll be back home in Eagle Rock. In less than one week, I'll be able to get some well-deserved relaxation. Six more days.

This coming summer and school year is going to be different. I feel it already. It excites me. It frightens me. Mostly, it's going to push me. This summer, I'll be doing summer research with Dr. Chang @UCLA for the MARC Program. I'll also be working much, much more @Crate & Barrel. Maybe I'll finally get that night manager position. Only God knows how much I want it. I already received the Associate of the Quarter award &have everyone loving me. *Knock on wood* Just in case I jinx myself. [= In addition to all the work during summer, there has to be some fun, right? I'm the queen of working hard &playing hard. I'm overdue for some playing hard, that's for sure. I already have San Diego, Sea World, Disneyland, Six Flags, Universal Studios, &tonssss of beach time planned. What can I say? I'm a busy girl. This also counts for the next school year. I'll be working 12-15 hours of research, have 19 units, work @Crate & Barrel, &I'm hoping to be on the WISH E-Board. Oh, &don't forget my usual nap time &work out additions. This girl also knows how to take care of herself. Maybe more in different aspects in her life, but she does. I do. Also, I'll have Mariana as my roommate! Finallyyy. She's such a great person. I don't even know if she sees what's inside of her sometimes (Nottttt in a gross way, please pervs). It takes a lot to deal with me &put up with me. I should know. I can't even put up with myself sometimes. Yet, she does it. Even though we'll be living together, I'm sad to say that I won't even be able to see her that much because of all the time I'll be spending @UCLA. She knows, along with Evelyn &Leslie, that they can come visit me anytime. I know they're tired of the boys on campus. Hell, I am too. So much opportunity opening up for me... It's a blessing.

I stay close to my values, my true friends, &most importantly, myself. It's been a horribly tough ride this year, but I think I've made it through to the other side. I'm breaking away. I'm a breakthrough. Don't ever forget it.