Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst.

That's honestly the worst fucking advice ever. It just allows mood swings to occur. You're thinking... "Oh, blah blah is so awesome." Then the next minute... "Wait, but this and this happened. Is blah blah the blah blah I think they are?" Yeah, that's pretty ambiguous, but I have a feeling if you've gone through it, you know exactly how it is. In the moment, you're lost. You are too afraid to let go, but you are too curious to just leave it alone. It's a freakin' Catch 22. So I say, fuck hoping for the best &preparing for the worst. Be a fucking boss. The end.

I'm sorry if all my cursing offended anyone, by the way.

What Do You Get When You Fall in Love?

A GUY WITH A PIN TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE.

Why is it that whenever you let yourself want something, that thing gets taken away from you in a blink of an eye? And when you don't want something anymore, it comes running back to you? Life, right? Fuck that.

Quote of the Day.

&Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door. I'd open up and you would say, "Hey, it was enchanting to meet you." All I know is I was enchanted to meet you.
-"Enchanted" by Taylor Swift

Quote of the Day.

I think most people in their twenties go through some sort of depression. If you’re successful at a young age, no matter the profession, there has to come a time when you reevaluate everything, what it means to you. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?
-Kirsten Dunst

DECIEMBRE.

It's Finals week. I just deactivated my Facebook account &I have quickly moved on to find my next procrastinating distraction: re-opening my eyes to the world of blogging. So here it is:

This semester has easily been the most distracting academic semester ever. Longing for Greece, longing for being back on the east coast, long distance relationship, break ups, dating, too much texting/messaging, concerts/gigs/shows, presentations. Out of all that, who has work for a part-time job, research internship and Physics, Biochemistry, Medical Physiology, and Creative Writing? OH THAT'S RIGHT. ME.

Yeah, my brain has been on overload these past few months, but really nothing of it had to do with school. Oh well. You win some, you lose some, right?

So what have I learned so far? Don't try to rush things. Things may seem wonderful at first, but the light dims. And you can do so much better. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Like, really. It's ridiculous. &For a boy-crazy person like me, it's a good realization. Andddd I need a fuckin' life.Being not so serious about school this semester makes me feel all sorts of weird. Maybe it's the calm before the storm? Storm = med&grad school? Maybe, but I sure as hell can't wait for winter break.

Anywho, I think that's enough of an update. My mind is getting bored again. Till next time.

Have Your Cake &Eat It, Too.

You see, I have recently learned that I have the power to hurt people. I never tried to purposely &intentionally do it, not saying I am purposely doing it now, but it's quite a new feeling for me. I hate hurting people or even feel like I'm inconveniencing someone. But what I'm doing now.. I, for some reason, think I can have my cake &eat it, too. So not possible.

In order to really move on, I have to really let go. No "if's," "and's," or "but's." Such a cliche. No one is going to magically walk into your life &forget all the other people you loved/love. No one is going to "save" you from a bad relationship. No one will change your mind on anything. I guess, I was hoping someone would.

Or that one person I needed saving from would change.

I'm young. I can't stress that enough. Drama is unnecessary. All this stress pointless. If things don't work out, things don't work out. It's stupid to use all my energy trying to fit a square pog into a circular hole. Only time can tell if things will work out or not.

Right now, I'll be chasing happiness.

The Evolution of Love.

Recently, I've learned that sometimes love isn't enough. I've learned that I'm young and I need to see what's out there. I've learned that it's unfair to commit to someone if other aspects are not aligning up. As much as you may love someone, it is sometimes better to be away from them. Time tests all and patience is necessary. I am growing to be patient. I am growing to understand that effort and love may not always be the same.

Will write more later.

Mid-September.

September is usually the worst month in my year, but I've been too busy to realize... It's already mid-September! I haven't written in such a long time &for that, I apologize. Sometimes, quotes &songs best describes my life than I can ever write. Needless to say, I wrote more in my journal throughout this hiatus than on my blog. I have seventeen minutes before my class starts and billions of thoughts are running through my mind. Jeanette and I are trying to find a place to live, Aaron comes to visit in ten days, I have a medical physiology exam on Friday, work is super grueling. I feel like I don't have time for myself anymore. You know, time to listen to music, have some tea, and open up a book (that is not entitled "Biochemistry"). Lots have changed since May.

But I will discuss this later.

xoxo

Quote of the Day.

I'm going to suggest that the next time you get a text from the one person you love, the only person in the world that you can't talk to, that you respond - that you just write back. When they ask you if you're up and you love them, just write back, "Yup, come home." [Because] life is just too short to keep playing the game. You'll figure it out later. Otherwise you'll be laying in bed with a black [phone] on your chest, staring at it for the rest of the night, hoping that it goes zzzzt, zzzt, zzzt. When you love someone, if you love somebody, if you love someone, if you love somebody, if you love someone, you don't say a word. Say, "don't say a word, just come over, just come over. Don't say a word, just come over, let me cry all over you. Let me wish you were someone different, that you're the best you can do." If you love someone, if you love someone.
-John Mayer before performing his encore performance of "Edge of Desire" at the Hollywood Bowl Sunday night

Quote of the Day.

Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.
-Dr. O'Brien in the "Matchmaker" episode of How I Met Your Mother

Quote of the Day.

I thought that it was 'cause I deserved the best and he's out there. He's just with all the wrong women. And let me be clear; after centuries of men looking at my tits instead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the divine right to stare at a man's backside with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to.
-Denise in PS I Love You

Quote of the Day.

#212 Remember that most fairytales were written by men.

Some of the greatest writers of children’s fables were male: The Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, even Walt Disney. You are not a tiny princess awaiting rescue by a valiant man, a symbol of frailty and naïveté, or the punch line in a morality tale. The women in those stories were crafted by a different sex at a different time for a different audience; these days you slay the dragon yourself.
-500 Pieces of Prudent Advice for My Baby Daughter

71 Days Since.

&I still miss it.

Quote of the Day.

Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.
-Baby from "Dirty Dancing"

Flowers Die.

Rose-colored sky, like how my eyes were when I fell for you.
Dead flowers, like how my heart feels after you fooled me twice.

To be young &in love.

It doesn't matter what time it is. It doesn't matter what we talk about. It doesn't matter what the weather is or who's around. You're in front of me and I want time to pass by so slowly. An hour of your time feels like a second. Just hearing your voice and seeing that smile on your face leaves me in awe that I can sit here all day in the warm Summer night just talking away. Five feet away from each other and I haven't felt this close to a human being in such a long time. Your presence calms me &gives me a sense of hope, a sense of belonging.

Quote of the Day.

Trust your haters. They know a star when they see one. Let them continue to promote you for free.
-Unknown

I see what you're trying to do. You actually made me laugh today. Thank you.

Quote of the Day.

I know there are things in my life that don't always work out the way I have planned them in my mind, but that's okay. I know that, at times, I have to step back &take a really good look at myself to understand me more - to understand myself better. I know I can be more confident &will be more confident in my life &the choices I make. I will not allow myself to be distracted from who I am &who I want to be.
-Clark Gonzales

He made me say this after an intense, meaningful conversation with him.

...It definitely helps.

Liberating.

On Friday, 6/25, I decided to take a chance. I got out of bed, walked to the Metro Station, and followed wherever the wind blew me towards. Where did I end up? Washington, D.C., of course! &Not just that - I found myself in front of the White House! It's such a liberating feeling to know I can just get up and venture out anywhere. I'd like to thank my Greece trip. In the words of Jeanette Sinh, "After being in Greece, no where in the world feels too far away." &It's true. I find myself in Bethesda, MD. I find myself enrolled in the Rapid Rewards for Southwest Airlines. This Summer, I found myself in Athens, Mykonos, Santorini, Ios, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Nashville, Orlando, Virginia, and now Maryland. If you asked me last year what I'd be doing in the Summer of 2010, I would have probably said going to parties in Los Angeles and venturing my town again. However, I would have been quite wrong. That's the thing with life - you think one thing will happen &something totally new occurs instead. &Being me, that would frustrate me. I'm the kind of person that plans everything. If something goes wrong, I'm sad about it for quite a while. (I'll post a quote soon of what my cousin told me.) This year, I have found that "good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I try not to attach myself to an idea or a plan anymore. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed. Going with the flow isn't such a bad thing. Come on, I thought I was going to become a nurse, marry my high school sweetheart &become a housewife &mother by the time I turn 22. Less that 4 months till my 21st birthday, we can all see that that dream can no longer come true. (Well, it can, but that's not my dream anymore.) When that relationship ended, I was devastated. However, that was only because I didn't know what my future would look like. &Look at me now, I have amazing friends, went to Hawaii, Sydney, Greece, and am now living on the east coast. If things don't work out with the Medical Scientist program, if I lose some friends, it'll still be okay. I still have faith. I guess that's what my point is. I needed to get through all of that tough stuff to get to where I am now. I'm not saying I'm wise or anything, I have learned that I'm so far from that. I'm saying that I believe I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. &This feeling is absolutely liberating. Hey, I might find myself in Atlanta in a couple days. Or Orlando. Or NYC. I don't know. &Not knowing is wonderful at the moment.

Changed.

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in the beginning of May - a boy who would be hopelessly devoted to me, a beautiful romance, having a bright future set with an engagement and children years after. Easy, right? For such a hopeless romantic, I thought it was. However, events since then have changed my mind. I'm done thinking about forever. Caring for someone who cares for me just as much is enough. I don't need a "final destination" just yet. I'm having fun with someone and getting to know someone. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? Why do we use labels when trust and communication is enough? I'm tired of looking for the "bad" signs. I'm tired of looking for excuses to leave my heart closed. I'm not in love, but I'm ready to feel again. &This - this makes me feel. It makes me feel worthy again. It helps me see that I have my whole life ahead of me. If you knew me in April, you know I've come a long way. April was a rough month for me that tore me down and left me as scraps. My trip in Greece and taking chances like this have helped me pick up the pieces again. It feels good to be able to trust people again - my friends, my cousin, my brother.

There doesn't have to be a big picture just yet. There doesn't have to be a promise of forever, because I could care less about forever right now. All I care about is building myself back up and being the best friend and person I can be. All I care about is blowing away the haze that blurred up my life in the months prior to my trip.

I think I've changed. For the better.

Now, let's see how my internship goes! That will bring in a new adventure in &of itself.

Quote of the Day.

I'm on my own. &Just like every Sunday, I called mama up last night. &Even when it's not, I tell her everything's alright. Before we hung up, I said, 'Hey mama, don't forget to tell my [brothers] I'll see them in the fall. &Tell [lola] that I miss her. Yeah, I should give her a call. &Make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl. Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Don't forget to remember me.'

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray. I haven't done this in a while, so I don't know what to say, but 'Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big old place. Yeah, I know there are more important things, but don't forget to remember me.'
-"Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood

I miss familiar faces, familiar places.

Quote of the Day.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
-"Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Baby, won't you get them if I did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

2,513.

I lay awake knowing I'm leaving the west coast in a couple days. Exactly how many days? I don't know. Why? I might stop by another state before heading to Bethesda.

This is crazy. It's insane. It's illogical. I get it. But why am I still considering it?

I'm impulsive. I act on instinct. I follow my heart. I don't have reasons for my actions, at least not anything I can easily describe. I've fallen so many times without being caught that I'm used to it. Fuck yes, I'm scared. The first night you told me to take a chance on you. But what you don't understand is that I've taken chances on so many boys who never intended to stay. What's the difference?

Show me the difference. I'm discombobulated. I'm scattered. You're so, so far away.

Quote of the Day.

Long distance relationships never work.
-'Cupcake' episode of "How I Met Your Mother"

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Greece 2010.

Photo courtesy of Jeanette SInh.

A lot can happen in the span of 11 days. The Greece trip with Jeanette was LEGEN... wait for it. DARY.

I met new family, saw the beauty of Athens, Santorini, Mykonos, and Ios, ate delicious meals, and drank the nights away. I live with no regrets and this trip will forever live in my memory. From Spiros to Starney Binson, from roomies to Acropolis, from shopping to sunsets, from ferry rides to landscapes, from windmills to bar hopping, from tanning to watching flip cup, from videos to engagements, the adventure was spectacular. I've made new friends from around the nation as well as strengthened my friendship with one of my longtime friends, Jeanette Sinh. I remember her telling me, "I'm going to miss Greek Jeanette. Los Angeles Jeanette was boring. Greek Jeanette is so much fun." In a way, this is true. We all unleashed a side of us that no one really sees in reality. We were vulnerable to everything Greece and we shared this experience with one another. I guess that's why we miss each other so much. It was like a reverse culture shock when we returned to our current hometowns. Our eyes have been opened to such happiness only to return to the lifestyle that once was enough for us. In Athens, we bonded with the local Greeks, heard their stories, saw a little bit of what they saw everyday. In Santorini, we saw just how beautiful a sunset can really be, we climbed a volcano, smelled the sulfur from its core, some jumped into the sea to swim to the hot springs, we all sailed on a beautiful boat, visited the small, awe-inspiring village of Thirasia, climbed up to Oia, and saw a beautiful Greek man. In Mykonos, we lived it up in the Skandinavian bar and the Bar Down Under. We danced, we lived freely, we truly let go. Flip cup was played, Paradise Beach was visited, and the town of Mykonos will never look the same. Personally, Mykonos holds a very special place in my heart. I got to know the town, got a Henna tattoo with people I will forever keep in my heart, joked around with a clown with perverse skills, and bonded deeply with someone special. In Ios, (although I look at it with anger) we met Australians and Canadians. Flip cup was played yet again, mimosa domination (in Lauren's words) was done, detox failures were glorious, engagements were made, commitment was thrown onto the table. I know that the feelings I felt in Greece will forever be felt in my heart. It is as if I left a part of myself in those towns, as well as found a lot of myself there. No matter where we all are in a week, in a month, in years, I know I will always look back at my Greek family with love - with genuine feelings of gratitude, caring, and happiness.

This trip has further ignited my faith that everything happens for reason. To my Greek family, thank you for the adventures.

Mom's Message.

I think you’re in love, but this must only be temporary.
You just got back from your 10-day vacation. Of course, you’re getting to miss a lot of fun and pleasure.
Just stand still and be mature, there are a lot of guys waiting for you when you’re done with your schooling.
Please take it from your experienced “mom” and I learned this sayings to my “mom” too.
Hwag kang pabigla-bigla, [Don't rush.] think about your future. I don’t think that I was too late to give you some advice.

I love you Babes !
Mom

I love my mom. Smart woman.

Quote of the Day.

Built a wall around my heart. I’ll never let it fall apart, but strangely I wish secretly it would fall down while I'm asleep. If you don't know, then you can't care.
-"Nothing Lasts Forever" by Maroon 5

It happens when you least expect it. I can't stop wanting it.

Quote of the Day.

Harry Burns: No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
-"When Harry Met Sally"

Men and women can't be friends? Still thinking about it. Yet, I do believe men &women can't be friends without one of them having or had an attraction to the other person. There's my two cents.

Quote of the Day.

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
-Harry Burns from "When Harry Met Sally"

Is there anyone out there?

Unrequited.

If I were to write a book today, it would be entitled "Unrequited."

There are many friends of mine who do not yet know me on a deeper level just yet. Yet, for some reason, people I go out with know so much about me. I open up very easily to them. All I want is someone to see that spark in me and love me for it. I know, I know I am twenty years of age and have so much time to find the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. However, I'm tired of playing the field. For the little time that I have played the field, all the boys that I have met were conceited, unintelligent, slow men who I have no future with. They're either douchebags or don't know I really like them. Or both. Where is the "none of the above" option? All I really want is someone I can hold a real conversation with. Someone who knows good eats. Someone who likes to go on adventures. Someone who doesn't want to be lonely late at night. Someone who is okay with me not putting out. I've grown up. I know exactly what I want. However, I may be molding the ideas of these guys to fit exactly as 'my perfect guy'. I think, "oh who cares if they are still in love with this other girl, they'll see I treat them better and they'll see how amazing I am and they'll fall in love with me." Oh honey, that doesn't happen. How many times do I scream out the lyric,
"&After all the boys &girls that we've been through, would you give it all up? Could you give it all up if I promise boy to you?"
Or how about,
"You don't know about my past &I don't have a future figured out &maybe this is going too fast &maybe it's not meant to last, but what do you say to taking chances?"
Or,
"He stands there then walks away. My god, if I could only say, "I’m holding every breath for you..."
All this screams out, "I REALLY LIKE YOU, BUT DO YOU LIKE ME?!" OH, DO YOU HEAR THAT? I think that's the noise of him running away.

Maybe this guy isn't perfect for me, but I can't seem to take off these rose-colored glasses. I fall for someone who shows a slight interest in me. Why is that? Is that bad? I put myself out there.... but sometimes for the worst people.

I said I wanted my love life back, but wow. I'm confused all over again. I prayed to God to grant me patience. I think he just gave me situations to force me to become patient. I've learned to not make a boy run away by telling them you like them and asking them if they like you back. How did I learn this? Guess. So, I'm guessing this situation I'm in now is telling me to just be good friends with this guy. If something comes up, it'll come up. BUT, from "When Harry Met Sally," Harry says at the end, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That's exactly how I feel. But why is it so taboo to say that out loud to someone? Someone you have gotten to know. Ugh, I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic who loves to torture herself.

Nothing's even going on by the way. Once my guard goes down again, I'll let you know.

Quote of the Day.

Photograph by Stephannie Casanova.

Yeah, they talk about her. She smiles like she's so tough. She says, "hey can you talk a little louder? I don't think my heart is broken enough." But someday we'll all be old &I'll be so damn beautiful.
-"Paper Bag" by Anna Nalick

Ms. Nalick, your words have always intrigued me. The rawness of your songs. The capturing of female feelings - feelings of loss, regaining oneself, and loving oneself. It is as if you knew exactly what I am currently going through when you wrote this song. You are one brilliant, marvelous singer-songwriter.

Quote of the Day.

Life plays such silly games inside of me. I wish I were free from this pain in me. &I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head; I'm juggling and my fear's on fire. &I remember the time my balance was fine &I was just walking on one fine wire.
-"One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillat

Balancing.

Question of the Day. Edited.

[DELETED.]
Check yourself.

I'd Lie.

I have an urge to write a song.

About a boy.

A simple distraction from all that I’ve been going through.

Because, through all of this, I still blush when he crosses my mind.

And I still have butterflies in my stomach.

And giggle like a little girl.

All the symptoms of the starry-eyed syndrome.

And all this for a boy(man) whose name starts with a K.

lalala.

Quote of the Day.

I have learnt how to live… how to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch.
-Audrey Hepburn

I'm learning. I'm still breathing.

Quote of the Day.

I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa

Just like my cousin says, "There IS a light at the end of the tunnel." I'm working on me right now. Ultimately, it's my life.

Above Ground.

The people, the environment, the small goal of the day - all of it was absolutely perfect. At a time where I am reorganizing myself, it touched my heart that I can still have moments like these, days like these. I had one good day in a very, very long time. I wouldn't have changed a detail of it (except maybe if Cory were to find me through the crowd &propose to me, but tough luck, cookie). I'm not sure if this is a sign connecting to what I was debating on before, but today definitely spoke loud &clear to me.

"It's the journey, not the destination."

Quote of the Day.

To fail spectacularly is actually a liberating experience.
-The President and COO of Churchill Downs in "Undercover Boss"

We fear failure, but how bad can it actually be? We all need to be less afraid of learning more about ourselves in failure. We're all human, after all.

That was the hardest concept (and still is) for me to understand.

Five Years.

Five years. Who I have metamorphosed into can be traced to the experiences within these past five years. I used to be some little girl who followed what her family told her - act like this, only say this, only do this. I could have gotten lost in it - I could have become very sheltered. I stand today better knowing how the world works... &how my family works. Culture plays into this - male roles, female roles, filipino family lifestyles at its absolute fullest. As a first generation American, we are still raised as if we were living in the Philippines. Boys do this, girls do that, children do this &can never do that. To stand up for oneself is never taught, never tolerated. I, unknowingly, made one decision that affected my whole life. That decision? Getting into my first relationship, which was a pretty successful relationship... Until it wasn't &ended. However, that's not the point. He was a couple specks of the bigger picture. If it weren't for my decision to pursue a little crush, my darkest secret would have never been exposed to my family. The chain of events affecting my family would not have occurred. I wouldn't know my brothers as much as I do. I wouldn't know my oldest cousin on my father's side as I do now. Granted, I wouldn't be going through such a hard time these past few months, but heck - aren't we supposed to do something every day that fears us? These emotions, this lack of self-control scares me. Very much. Feeling loneliness, betrayal, aimlessness. It's very dark. But I guess at this point in my life, there's nothing to lose. I'm pretty sure this will happen a lot in life. This first time, however, is the real test. It may take me longer than others, but I'm trekking on through.

&To think, if I didn't have that crush in the 10th grade, this all would have never happened.

I'm still learning about myself, still regaining my strength. I guess, readers, stay tuned - it'll come sooner or later.

Every decision we make is a life-changing decision.

Quote of the Day.

It's not like I'm not trying 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once. &I close my eyes &I kiss that frog, each time finding the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.
-"The More Boys I Meet" by Carrie Underwood

Story of my life.

Quote of the Day.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
-Rose Dawson in "Titanic"

Surely.

Closer.

The toxins in my blood can't compare to the way you get my heart pumping. I lie awake with increased blood pressure, increased rate of breathing &a trembling like no other. I've admired you from afar for the longest time. I don't even think you know my name. Crazily, I feel like I've known you forever. No, not the "I knew I loved you before I met you" crap. I feel like you have been in my life, but I never really noticed. You were indirectly a part of my life. We're not strangers, but we might as well be - it would be better for my thumping heart at 3AM, three hours after I stopped consuming so much alcohol. My mind is in a state of chaos. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? So many possibilities, but with these thoughts, I know I shall decide by not deciding. I shall lie here, lying to myself that you really don't mean as much as I've believed. It's just a little crush, right? Yet, I can't fall asleep. My concience is yelling, "Do something!" My subconcience is yelling, "Get up, stupid!" Yet, I just so badly want to be unconscious. But then, I know he'll just walk away with me not being a significant part of his night, while he has been this to me. Right now, he seems like he's so so perfect for me. I'm willing to take that risk. But there's one huge hurdle - a hurdle that cannot be overlooked. &Here it is apparent I cannot be anything to this man. The man that I've been dreaming about since I can remember. I don't even know if my intentions are correct. I so badly want to be with him &I have a big feeling it would all work out. However, I kind of want to be with him so all this hype could diminish. He's on a pedestal - he's my paradigm.

Oh eff. The last time I wrote about "the perfect guy for me," I actually had him - or thought I had him &his godliness dissipated into a gas of boyhood. Maybe I'm just waiting to be disappointed yet again. However, I'm still willing to take that risk. See, if #1 didn't happen, then where would all my cool stories come from? Ha, no. I learned a lot from him. Maybe I just want to get hurt all over again with this guy. I want his dangerous "perfect aura" to be broken &mean nothing at all to me anymore. Yet realistically, I don't think #1 ever stopped meaning anything to me.

Did I even learn anything from #1? Why do I still want to pursue something with #2? The ties I had to get to #1 were cut off soon after. I can't get my ties with #2 to get cut off. These ties are thicker than blood - or rather, they are BLOOD. So I guess that's how I'll end tonight. With my learned wisdom of sticking to my loyalty.

Or does this just sound like a bunch of bullshit &I'm ending it with my cowardice?

If these walls were thinner, if you were closer, if you knew my innermost desires, if I knew yours, if it could all piece together like an elegant, traditional love story with an ending that I lie awake yearning for.

&All this for a man who fails to notice me. I'm a Taylor Swift song all over again.

Update: He came out, walked away. &Folks, that is how this story has ended.

Quote of the Day.

Don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.
-Walk Two Moons

Walk Two Moons.

"Seeing you... I never want to be in that position again."

Guess my life's that miserable if a friend would say that to me. I thought I was overreacting. Yet, no one around me can even see the good.

That's just plain wonderful.

Loyalty

Nowadays, loyalty means nothing. Such a blunt statement to say, but through these past few weeks - or even months - word means nothing. I automatically completely trust everyone around me. I am vulnerable to all my friends. I pamper them, feed them &support them through anything. Well you know what they say, "do unto others what you want them to do unto you?" I put out good karma. Pay it forward. But where is it all? Are my values now extinct? Have corruption, selfishness &pride taken over humanity? I begin to lose more &more faith in mankind. In religion. In faith. In promises. "Take what you can get" has been universalized to all aspects of everyone's lives - even those special relationships &friendships.

I feel like I can't even talk about being a good friend because, low &behold, where are my closest friends? Makes you wonder what the hell went wrong in how I was made. How can everyone lack consideration, discreetness, &proper reading of body languange? I had a strange dream during one of my naps. You know, one of those dreams when you wake up short of breath, wide-eyed &scared as hell. I believe my dream contained many motifs going on since the past week: my constant realization of my biological clock, my desire for stability, &friendship. I was asked if I would ever give a chance to someone who will remain unnamed. &Right now, I am indifferent. I will not ask for her help or reach out to her; however, I will not decline in conversation. This shows that it really isn't a priority for me right now. Yes, I miss them truly, but like I said before, they lack the consideration friends are supposed to have. It hurt a lot to find some things this week ¬ice some things this week, too. I constantly say that I want to fast-forward to the end of this semester. This desire has increased.

Me being me, I want to find solutions to these problems. However, confrontation &anger are not my kind of style. With these people, that would do the trick. I guess playing uncle replaced loyalty between the two people that used to be the best of friends. What a shame.

Not Good Enough?

I forgot how it felt to get all dolled-up &get attention. These days, the only people that I catch the attention of are my teachers - since I'm all about my classes! I walked out of here tonight feeling tastefully sexy, if I must say so myself. I forgot about all the things I don't like about myself &I rolled with it. What did I get out of it? The best customer service &double takes all night! This will be the only time you'll hear me talking like this. There is a point to all this nonsense &I'm getting there. It made me realize that I don't give myself the credit I deserve in mostly all aspects of my life. At first glance, it may be because of my culture. &Hey, it just may be that. However, it just may be deeper than that also. No matter how well I do in school, I can never be satisfied with myself. I get a B, it ruins my whole week. I get a 92; why didn't I get a 100? I get a 100 &A's in every class; they were too easy for me, I wasn't challenged. It's never enough for me &it makes me wonder. If it's not enough for me now, when will it be? There will always be something that I would want to change about my body. There will always be something I would want to change in my study skills. There will always be something I would want to change in socializing. There is always something. I've never actually sat down, realized all of my accomplishments &allow self-acceptance. There's a little girl in me who's hurt from all the abuse. &I'm allowing the abuse to continue. We all want someone to be proud of us - maybe we're just waiting for us to be proud of us.

If you constantly self-doubt, when one small rejection comes along, it will be a big blow to your already-scarred, fragile ego. I'm lucky I have hope - I think that one day I will obtain something (I'm still not sure what that ultimate something is..) &I'll finally be OKAY. That's not gonna happen. We can't just wait on things. We can't wait for ourselves to change. We have to look deeper inside ourselves or else we're gonna lose all of it - all of the raw vulnerability to our most genuine desires, fears, needs.

I do so much, but I can't ever look at it &let it reach the little girl inside me. It's as if there is an interpreter inside me, interpreting all the good things I'm doing as mediocre or unacceptable. &All that little girl can hear is the bad. I'm tired of hearing the bad! There are so many people in my life that I appreciate, but I can't even fully appreciate myself. I'm in a mid-mid-midlife crisis. I'm growing up.

My counselor said I should let this marinate in me before our next session. I still can't understand how I can fix it - or if it even can be fixed. Maybe it just needs to be understood. This "me" business is very, very new. Especially when this "me" seems to be changing basically hourly, with every environmental change or human interaction.

I think my mind is opening up (&I thought it couldn't be more open!). I'm seeing the bigger picture &stepping back. Maybe answers aren't the goal for all this. Maybe I just might be good enough - the perfect me.

Rejection.

Let me start off with this: I have never, never been rejected by a school before. Or anything academic. &What do I read today once I get off of lab? "Unfortunately......" That's enough. &Not to mention, I haven't even heard from any of the other places except NIH saying my application is under review. Great.

&I know what it sounds like, "Boo hoo, I'm smart and got rejected by one school, a school I didn't even want to apply to." However, when everything in the rest of your life seems to be going down, the only thing you can control is your goals. The one thing that doesn't change in this ever-changing world, ever-disappointing world is where you choose to direct yourself for the future. My academics were it. They were the love of my life &God, did they love me back. Or so I thought.

I don't see the light @the end of the tunnel just yet. I'm still waiting for that. I'm thinking that maybe I'm not meant to go there. After all, God closes a door, but opens a window. Something like that. As of now, I'm sitting in a very unventilated room - no windows, locked doors, no sunlight in sight. I really don't know how I sunk back here. I was doing really well. Maybe it's just a bad day. I'm hoping for tomorrow to be good. I try my hardest to not get pulled into the gravity of all this.

With rejection, you just have to take it how it is. One "no" doesn't mean an "always no." It means a no for right now, for this.

Goodbye UCSD, I hardly knew thee.

Quote of the Day.

You fathers will understand. You have a little girl, an adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine, how she used to love to sit on my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older, and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her.
-George on Father of the Bride

Through all the tough times we've been through together as a family, the good is still outweighing the bad. It's better to have a few bad times with your father than not having them @all or having to endure constant, never-ending abuse. I always say I want a daughter if I ever have a child, not because I want a mini-me - far from it. It is because I know that there is no other relationship than a father-daughter relationship. No matter how many times we clash, I love my father for being the man he is today, not yesterday.

&It's not even Father's Day yet! I ♥ Father of the Bride.

True Colors.

I'll be going to Greece from May 20 - May 30 !!!
Now that's a relief.

I cannot be any more grateful for the people I have in my life. As a recollection, the past couple weeks were tough on me. It has been better since then &this is all because of the great support system backing me up. Feeling helpless, worthless, &undeserving is never a feeling I want anyone in the universe to feel. Without being able to talk about this to my closest friends, I don't know how I would have been able to hold on. I can honestly say that I saw all my friends' true colors. I learn from every single one of them every day. Every day is a challenge &I know that I am strong enough to embark on this journey of life. One of my closest friends told me, "Maybe all the tribulations you've encountered in the past &the rough times you're seeing now is only a small price to pay for your huge aspirations." This is all a test on me &my priorities. The only constants were school &family. I continue to achieve all that I desire in academics. I see that blood runs thicker than all.

These next two months are going to be a struggle, no doubt. However, I will hurdle over them in order to get to the greener, brighter side: Greece &Summer research.

I'm not alone &I will not take all my achievements, my potential, my learned life lessons &experiences for granted. I am stronger for realizing I needed help &have obtained it. Only I have the power to change &control myself, just like you do unto you. I thank all of those who have been there for me &continue to be here for me. However, I do not thank you for getting me to this point. I know I am where I need to me - &this is because of God's/the universe's/Allah's help.

My true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. ♥

Heartache.

I guess heartache, although it pains me, is a much easier hurt to overcome rather than the usual, old depression. At least with heartache, I know that I deserve better &it just wasn't meant to be. With heartache, I can find someone else. With heartache, time may heal. With heartache... Who am I kidding? Pain is pain. This is a little more tolerable, but really? There were too many surprises today; I was shocked my head didn't explode!

I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I just want to pull a Britney by getting a Pixie haircut &flying far, far away. I want to escape - my counselor even said that maybe that's a good idea.

Don't be surprised when you hear I'm in New York, Vancouver, London, or Toronto. I'm trying to run away from this heartache before my heart knows it has broken into another million pieces.

Quote of the Day.

You may say I'm a dreamer...
but I'm not the only one.
-"Imagine" by John Lennon

When you're constantly told that you're the last person in the world that gives genuinely &whole-heartedly, that you're the last person in the world that dreams constantly &of good things in the world, it kind of gets you down because you're never appreciated &are constantly taken for granted. So to you who have told me this, expecting me to change and lose the hope that I rightfully gained through all my experiences, I will not change.

I honestly know I'm not the only one.

The Clothesline Project.

"The effects of witnessing or experiencing violence at home vary tremendously from one child to another. The attributes that give a child the greatest chance of surviving unscathed are "average or above-average intellectual development with good attention and interpersonal skills. Also feelings of self-esteem and self-efficacy, attractiveness to others in both personality and appearance, individual talents, religious affiliations, socioeconomic advantage, opportunities for good schooling and employment, and contact with people and environments that are positive for development." Many children in families where domestic violence has occurred appeared to be "parentified." They are forced to grow up faster than their peers, often taking on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning and caring for younger children. Laura Gillberg, MSW, is the child and adolescent program director at Sarah's Inn, an agency in Oak Park, Illinois. She stated, "Many of these children were not allowed to have a real childhood. They don't trust their fathers because of his role as an abuser and they may have been worried about what to expect when coming home. They learned at a young age to be prepared for anything." Children may also be isolated. Typical activities such as having friends over to their house may be impossible due to the chaotic atmosphere. "Kids aren't going to have their friends over when mom has a black eye." However, school performance is not always obviously affected. Children may respond by being overachievers. Gillberg noticed that children in domestic violence tend to be either extremely introverted or extremely extroverted. Psychosomatic problems (aches and pains for no apparent reason) are common; these children's eating and sleeping patterns tend to be disrupted. Children who witness domestic violence can develop behavior problems, including aggression and violent outbursts. Underlying all these "symptoms" of domestic violence are children's emotional responses: i.e. anger - misery - intense terror - fear of dying - fear of the loss of a parent. Children may feel rage, guilt, or a sense of responsibility for the violence, which can stifle emotional and social development. To learn and grow into a healthy adult, children must feel confident in the world and in themselves. Domestic violence can wipe out a child's confidence and leave them shocked.
Effects of Domestic Violence: academic problems; agitation - feeling "jumpy"; aggression; avoidance of reminders; behavior problems; clinginess to caregivers; depression; distractibility; emotional numbing; emotional changes; fear - feeling scared; fear of natural exploring; feelings of guilt; feelings of not belonging; flashbacks; general emotional distress; increased arousal; intrusive thoughts; insomnia; irritability; low levels of empathy; low self-esteem; nightmares; numbing of feelings; obsessive behaviors; phobias; poor problem-solving skills; posttraumatic stress disorder; revenge seeking; social problems; suicidal behaviors; truancy; withdrawal from activities.
Effects in Adulthood: alcohol abuse; depression; low self-esteem; violent practices in the home; criminal behavior; sexual problems; substance abuse." Excerpt taken here.


I designed a shirt today. I'll try &take a picture of it. I find myself breaking down often, usually with no apparent reason. Underlying all this, it's somewhat obvious. The pain, the scars - they're here to stay. Now what's left to do is how to deal with them.

Hello World.

Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'm never gonna heal.

The person I thought I was is slowly disintegrating in front of me &it still feels as if everyone is ignoring it. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling for help &yet crowds &crowds of people are walking past. These feelings come &go, but when they're here, the weight of an anvil is being forced onto my stomach.

My first session was helpful, it felt weird saying all my feelings out loud to an objective person. I felt as if I let go of such a huge burden. My week following that was optimistic, like my hopeful self came back. My second session, I was happy as a clam. I was a completely different person from the week before, unknowing @how I let myself get that far in my thoughts &feel so helpless. Now? After this weekend, I see that my mood isn't like normal mood swings. It isn't just a little, insignificant "phase" I'm going through like some of my friends are treating it. No, if you leave me alone for a few hours, it won't get any better. I'm screaming for help. It's draining. It hurts. My counselor noticed a feeling that usually pushes me off the edge. Interestingly enough, when I was speaking, I noticed it as well. What am I so afraid of? Being alone. No, not a "I'm clingy, I need someone beside me always" type of alone. [All this writing about my sessions make me feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself more that my readers that I'm not "crazy," but just going through some things.] I don't want to get too deep into these things because, after all, this is a public blog. Let's just say I harmed myself a couple times a few years ago that are very similar to some feelings now. Looking @it, I do have a huge problem with feeling alone. Although independent, I have a great support system. However, when this support system feels as if they are no longer behind me, everything falls apart.

&Everything has been falling apart.

I don't know, I'm always trying to find the silver lining in all this in order for me to not get too far. I see this as a lesson. I see this as finding out who I am. I see this as finding out who constitutes my true support system. I'm realizing who my real friends are. &That scares me. Why, you ask? Because the friends who I have sworn have grown apart from me are perhaps my most genuine friends. &The friends that I had faith that understood me are running for the hills. Yet, aside from all this, I still feel so so lonely. It's all in my mind, but I can't stop it. It's eating me apart &I'm watching from the side lines. I always thought that people could control this, but I just don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm constantly keeping my faith in God, praying, enjoying myself when I do have my good days & not allowing injury to myself. I'm taking this day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. Literally.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way. I don't know if I am relating to you. I don't know if I am boring you. All-in-all, I just hope that you are able to shine like you're supposed to. I'm trying to get back on my path to sunshine. It's just going to take some time. So please, take care of yourselves.

I won't stop writing.

Quote of the Day.

I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.
-Roger Ebert

At the latter end of this emotional roller coaster I have been riding, his words truly echo in my ears. &Hopefully it inspires you, as well.

Quote of the Day.

I just want to start again &maybe you could show me how to try. &Maybe you could take me in - somewhere underneath your skin.
What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge?
-Lea Michele in Glee (Original by Celine Dion)

He would be so damn good for me right now.

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Quote of the Day to Last a Lifetime.

Everything that my brother has told me.

With him by my side, I am able to be strong, overcome struggles &fight against my greatest enemy, myself. I cannot be more thankful to God or to the universe or to Allah for allowing me to have such a strong pillar in my life.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?

Photograph by Jeanette Sinh

Hello, anyone out there. It's Christia - a different young woman from whom you knew before, if you knew her at all. I've decided to finally get some help. Going against all my beliefs of seeming weak, seeming crazy &being an inconvenience, I'm going to do it. It has been difficult for me to speak up lately &even harder for me to be heard. If I were them, I wouldn't want to hear my crazy stories either, you know? However, it is I who must go through all this. Again. I guess I forgot how alone this feels because when I was younger, I had my imagination, some of my childhood &my little distractions. This time, I have my sanity that I'm trying to hold on to, my tears to hold back, &my thoughts that have to be kept in check before I go a little too far. I'm hanging off the edge &it's miserable, desolate &worse of all, it's completely lonesome. I miss my own smile for God's sake. I miss the room smiling back @me instead of ignoring me. I miss having my friends acting like friends.

I spoke about cycles before &this cycle that I'm currently going through (one that I refuse to diagnose myself) just keeps getting worse &worse. It's somewhat like the harmful stress eating cycle. You eat because you're sad, but you're sad because you eat. I'm sad because I'm undesired goods, but I'm undesired because I'm sad. I feel as if I'm about to explode &no one gives a fuck. &It's not like I wanted to get help in the first place because I felt that this would pass. I thought I hit rock-bottom weeks ago. I thought there was no where to go but up. However, with every day that passes, it feels worse. I think to myself, "Another day of suffering?" Suffering: it's such a strong word. I never fully understood anyone suffering from such emotions was legitimate. Sure, I felt sympathy. I had such thoughts myself. However, never to this extent. The extent that you feel like you can't ever go back. You can't go back to who you were &you can't see the light at the other end of the tunnel. All you see is darkness around you. I see no end in sight &that's my fear. I'm alone in the dark. I try asking for God's help, but I never hear back from Him, nor any of His messengers. I feel as if He &everyone else around me (but a select few) want to just shun me away.

I have always wondered if there would ever be a day in which when I'd go to sleep at night &wake up in the morning, I would not feel refreshed &happy again. Now every morning when I awake, I wonder how anyone who has compassion &empathy would allow me to go on this way. I have lost who I am. My spirits are being crushed with each continuing day. My once hopeful essence has been replaced with an essence that has no apparent purpose. My balanced nature has tipped over to the side of anguish &pain. I'm careless, hopeless, &everything that I hate.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.

Quote of the Day.

Just when I had you off my head, your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed.
-"All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" by John Mayer

&Yet, you still have that effect on me.

Cycles.

I would like to explain two patterns that have always affected the better part of my life. Let me explain first, however, that everything that I have endured, was forced to go through - all of that - I take on dauntlessly. I would rather have bad done unto me because I know I will try my best to get through it than have it done unto someone else. I'd gladly take on the suffering of someone else as long as they are happy and functional. Now, we will continue.

#1: We all know the kind of person you are: confrontational, stubborn, always right (or at least believes so), and incapable to learn these lessons because of the prior mentioned traits. I made a decision to stay away from all that because I know that because of your closed-mindedness, I would only be hindered as a person, my spirit would only be crushed, our relationship could no longer grow. However, with others, because they aren't around you 24/7, they can deal with you. "Small doses only, please," they say. Other times, you have cycles with your close relationships. You're their absolute "go-to" person for about a month or two. Then, a snag on the road comes along, be it distance, lack of communication, or a misunderstanding &you fall apart. Slowly, of course. You don't want to make it seem like it was your problem this person must get away from you. Then, after the person decides to forget about it, you swoop in &act strikingly amicable. A relationship begins once again. This cycle goes on &on until the person finally gets tired of it. Others aren't around you long enough to feel the restraint this makes on one's life. They don't feel the pain that is present when they are constantly not listened to or understood. They want to be the better person &forget about it, giving you a chance to learn from that mistake because, after all, we are accepting you back. Then, it happens again. I could go through this because, ultimately, I knew what I had to do in these situations - get away from you. I noticed it was a parasitic relationship and you will never learn. I realized that through all the smiles &laughs we had, you would only bring me down &take advantage of me. However, getting a call in the middle of the night from a teary-eyed friend is never what I want. I'd rather endure your faux friendship than have something happen to someone absolutely lovely and make it be multiplied by 24331874801740. Learn your lesson, please. Break off this habit. Exit this cycle.

#2: This cycle shouldn't even be mentioned with the above cycle that is so obviously &apparently superficial and due to ignorance. This cycle is about mental disorders. Somewhat. I feel as if my family issues are a vacuum leading to a horrific, decaying abyss. The cycle of abuse haunts me to this day. Maybe I'll elaborate later on in a delayed post, but now I will just explain the main points. I am tired of his cycles. Like I said before, I felt the verbal, emotional and physical pain he forced upon me. &Yet, I lived. I am a survivor. However, to other people who do not understand you as well as I do &feel nothing but love &patience for you are damaged and wounded by you. Nothing can stop you. You are your own parasite. As much as I love you, you must learn to see that all this is a recurring trauma that you have done unto yourself. Not only are you hurting yourself, but you are hurting all of us. In more ways than one. We're done with the excuses, the false hope, &tending to your every desire. You do not deserve all that we are providing for you. No one owes you anything. I don't know when I'll be able to move past this when you can't. You are our restraint. We want to break free, but more importantly, we want to break free with you by our sides.

I'm tired of all these patterns, routines, cycles. We need to be let go of, be uncontrolled, be listened to, be understood &most of all be able to move on.

Humility.

After all that has happened in these past few days, I think it's about time I search through my roots. I feel like a 78 year old grandmother with the amount of social activity I'm doing, my new interests, and my homebody nature. This is definitely helping me get to the source of all my stress and constant thinking.

Appearance and reality is not my liking nowadays. I'm just trying to understand my motives better and know why things bother me the way they do. Maybe it's just a phase in my life, but if you knew my family history of these "phases" lasting longer than they are supposed to, you'd be afraid, too.

While things are currently being put into perspective for me, I know that the people I have decided to keep in my life were chosen correctly. I cannot be more humbled to be able to go through all these experiences with these people as my support group. Of course, there are a few individuals I constantly think about &will never stop caring for, but I know this is a lesson that must be experienced and learned from.

You'll see the sun come shining through - for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
"Smile" by Charlie Chaplin

Quote of the Day.

It's like I'm just not me if I can't be a sad, sad song. It's like I love this pain a little too much. I love my heart all busted up.
-Lady Antebellum

I love having hope, I love falling when there's no one around to catch me. ...I'll free-fall for a while.

Hello, World of Recluse.

I never thought I'd see the day where I'd follow my word on isolation. Sure, it was a great ideal. However, this year - this semester - it just happened. I've dropped all my social "friends," put myself off the market from these social beings, &honestly, just became a homebody, studying &having fun by losing points in my IQ through television and blogs. It's, in a way, freeing. Yes, isolation can be freeing. I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. It's definitely got my name written all over it, as do many of Ms. Gilbert's faithful readers firmly believe as well. Through the book, I also embarked on my journey to understand my motives, find my stance on spirituality, and reward myself with "me" time. I don't know if it was a coincidence, but I highly believe this was not the matter.

These days, I find myself focusing deeply in my school work &applications - more heavily on my applications. Maybe it's to make up for screwing up badly last semester. Maybe I'm tired of the drama &superficiality of the people around me. Maybe it's time for me to reach for a higher goal &use my intellect &true self to keep real friends rather than dumbing myself down to mediocrity. At a certain point in your life, you just realize you're tired &done with everything. &It's never @one point, it's @many, several points in your life. It's you telling yourself, "You gotta do more, honey. This just isn't cutting it. You know you deserve more." &Right now, more is me focusing on my goals &being able to attain them by stepping forward rather than dwindling at the things that have passed me by. &Lord knows it wasn't my fault that they passed me by, they just weren't meant for me.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify my current solitary life. Maybe this is my start to being a hermit crab, I really don't know. I'm content @the moment &that's okay.

Question of the Day.

Have you ever strongly believed that two people should really, definitely, forever &always be together?

...Even if one of those people included someone you were crazy in love with before &the other person is not you? They're meant to be. They should be together.

Really.

Beautiful Disaster.

Says it all. ♥

A Milestone.

Greetings to you, you who were once a great part of my life, if not my whole life. I sometimes speak of you as if I still know you, as if you are still beside me. Regardless of where we both are in our lives, I still look back &feel appreciation for all that we learned together. Some days, I wonder why I am not in a committed relationship, I feel as if that is my niche in life, but alas it took me some time to realize my full potential, of me just being me. Other days, I see how different we have become &wonder how it all ever came about.

Because you're such a great guy - that's perhaps the reason why. There are many events that sculpt who I am today &you being the great guy you were, had such an impact on me. (&Maybe you still do, I'll never tell.) I'll never forget your sparkling eyes, you're innocent sweetness, your selflessness &your love for me.

Here's to you.

"Curiosity is, in great &generous minds, the first passion &the last.”

-Samuel Johnson

What happens when the connection between my thoughts &my writing begins to disintegrate? What happens when emotion is no longer paved with the heart, but with rules? What happens when I no longer know what to do anymore with anything in my life?

Does maturing make you less "fun," less intuitive? Does growing up force you to lose the link to your cheerful childhood? Questions like these scare me everyday. No, not the questions such as "does he like me back?" When's the next guy gonna enter my life? Why are there so many assignments to do in Organic Chemistry? Why can't I become a night manager already?

Ever since I was a young girl, I pondered on these questions. Questions of time, sanity, love, wisdom &true knowledge. Questions like, "Must there be a means to an end?" Do fate &destiny have a role in our lives, or is it all free will? What is the goal we must achieve before we reach the end of our lives? What came first, the chicken or the egg?

What defines priority and importance? Is it all relative? Is it all black &white? I don't know where I'm going with all these questions. I don't even know if I truly want to know the answers. I'm a big picture kind of gal - &I have not 20/20 vision.

Who Says.

So I'm sitting here in an empty apartment on a Saturday night, listening to "Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin. The live version - it's 100x more intense, I think. I've stumbled on a pot of gold. Well actually, a key to someone's mind. Someone who was a past acquaintance. I feel a sort of commiseration for what I was a part of for just a second.

Confusion, sympathy, yearning, sickness are what's floating around in my mind. A planet where technology is the means of communicating and understanding someone sounds pathetic, but I guess that's what this is. That's what this blog is about, too, isn't it?

I don't know - I still can't wrap my mind around the idea of spending so much time with a person to not even knowing a thing about them anymore. Their motives, their under-workings of their mind. It boggles me. Only one quote can fully encapsulate this : "Everything happens for a reason; people change so that you learn to let go, you believe lies so that you eventually trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." I cannot find this more true than I do at this moment.

Think about it. Don't be a stranger - any on you.

Spring '10.

It's been a long time.

I'm still writing, but mostly in my journals; one is a "venting" journal while the other is my 2009 planner. The latter holds so many secrets that one's mind will quite possibly explode. However, that's besides the point.

Classes for Spring '10 began on Monday, to my dismay. Yes, I already had a nervous breakdown. Yes, I already consumed too many calories due to all the stress I was forcing onto myself. Boo hoo - I'll live. The main point of this week?

I'm unattached. I'm 100% free. Thank the Lord. I never appreciated being single than I do at this moment. When I hear all the girls @my school talking about their love issues, I feel sympathy. When I hear all the girls @my school describe the apples of their eyes, I feel nausea. I believe that I do so much more unattached than when I consume all my energy on a boy who leads me on. It's truly a wonderful time of my life. The next challenge? Keeping my blinders on.

I've been working on my Summer research program apps. I can't believe I'm going to be gone for the summer. If you know me, I'm the one who bums around during summer, calling everyone up to chill. It's definitely going to be a unique experience.

GAH, I'm sorry my writing isn't too engaging or juicy. Perhaps later in this great three-day weekend?

Quote of the Day.

I mean, was there anything on the other side of that kiss that leads you to believe that this chase will end happily?

-George's question to Julianne in "My Best Friend's Wedding" after Julianne kisses Michael, the love of her life &her best friend

This one's for you, m'love. You know who you are. You know what you need to do. I will always be here for you when you feel like your world is collapsing, no matter who or what the suspect is.

Personal Statement.

It's January 8, 2010. My mind is scattered, my thoughts cannot be grasped. How must I be able to confidently &passionately describe what I want to do with my life when I, myself, am very much confused. Maybe it's just a phase. After all, it's almost the end of break &the loss of rest and relaxation would be enough to ignite a shock within me. So, the question is: What do I want to do?

Yes, the obvious answer would be to become a doctor, to obtain my M.D./Ph.D., start my own research group on reproductive endocrinology/infertility while being a practicing OB/GYN. Although I didn't realize my love for biology &everything science until the middle of my first semester as a Nursing major, I knew deep in my heart I wanted to "make a change." Oh, how positively cliche. Let me explain. I had a grandmother who was in her death bed due to a horribly, excruciatingly painful cancer of the bile duct. I saw it consume her every bit. However, the shine in her eyes when she gave me her blessing to switch majors was nothing short of a miracle. I knew then that this is what I was destined to do. After all, this is the road less traveled, the reputation I am making for myself, the promise I am fulfilling not only for me, but for the rest of my family. I am the hope - I cannot &will not relinquish this responsibility that has been bequeathed unto myself. I love science, as well. The ability to easily explain oneself with a chart, with experiments, with logical evidence is wonderful. To bring background to the smallest organisms in the world. To find out the difference in function of a neuronal cell compared to a cell found in stomach lining leaves me dumbfounded. My thirst for knowledge and intellect is quenched by the fountain of everything that is science.

Then, there is the less obvious answer. Well, after writing what I just wrote, I don't fancy it as much. However, it would be good to put it out in the open. There's English and Literature. Oh, my love for reading &writing has expanded since I was eight. Yes, I began a book when I was eight. Yes, I have always had a journal. I loved writing - it was definitely my escape from a bad childhood. Reading made me imagine a life outside of my own; writing allowed me to reflect inside myself. Nonetheless, this is a hobby. If I really loved it as much as science, I would have put time aside to fulfill this desire of the art that is literature. So for now, it will have to take the passenger seat to the subject that I so passionately have written about above in the previous paragraph. Oh, I love alliteration. But anyways, I digress.

I guess what I am trying to do here is to figure out my roots - the roots of my love for education. I love education in general, I love learning, I love teaching. Being able to work in a lab &to teach patients and fellow lab-mates would be my absolute dream. I see myself working in a hospital. I see myself as a leadership figure, no doubt. On the weekends, I will be sitting underneath my cherry blossom tree in my backyard, reading Leo Tolstoy and Jane Austen. However, this is acceptable because I am nothing without my balance. I believe the career I am getting into, becoming a doctor as well as practicing my Ph.D., is just another way of teaching. What I am getting myself into is a world of information, a world of knowledge. Knowledge saves, especially when it comes to medicine. Being able to cure someone's disease or much less a small infection is a hurdle in the world a medicine, but a hurdle nonetheless. It's being pushed to fight in a war, fighting battles with every struggle you face. I am one that loves to learn. I especially love learning how to overcome objections. &That is exactly what diseases, viral infections, unknown growths, &tumors are - they're objections to the human body. &The human body, to me, is the most awe-inspiring organism in the face of the planet (because Lord knows what else is out there in the universe). I have a passion for this. I have the potential to know. I yearn for knowledge. I learn quickly from my mistakes. I own up to any faults or inaccuracies. I live to my word. I have patience. I love to teach &be taught. These are the aspects inside of me that will make me a wonderful doctor and researcher. This is my foundation. My experience will be my walls &ceilings &any intricacies in this building that will house my intellect &growth.

This here, these are my goals. I may not be perfect, I may have billions &billions of flaws. Yet despite that, my resilience pushes me back up &my passion fuels my journey. Because this is the start of a new journey, a new adventure.

Less Gluttony, More Initiative.

Gluttony : |ˈglətn-ē| habitual greed or excess in eating.
I have a problem. No, this isn't a "New Year's Resolution" post. I believe that if you highly desire to make a change in your life, you should just do it & not wait till the New Year. This is more like an epiphany post than anything, if we're labeling.

So, these past few weeks of vacation, I realized that I've been indulging myself in many elements. Not just indulging, however; instead, overindulging. Some of the elements? Sleep. Food. Television. Facebook. My blackberry. My laptop. Gas for my car. Shopping. Spending tons of money on mediocre food. Chocolate. Talking trash. Ice cream. Did I mention food? It's horrible &absolutely disgusting. It's weighing me down, no pun intended. It seems as if I am making plans for myself, but I am not making any of it happen. Yes, I'm an amazing plan-maker &always stick to my word, but when it just involves me, it seems as if I don't actually care. I'm trying to change that. It's less than a week till school starts (Oh dear Lord, help us.) &I need to get back on track. My mind has been wandering, but I'll speak of that later.

I'm just really going to try &get my thoughts in order &this can only begin with initiative. Initiative to get my ass of the bed or sofa. Get my eyes of the TV screen. Put on some running shoes &get out of the house. Initiative to grab my laptop. Get the keys. Sit down in a coffee shop &work on my applications. Initiative to buy my planner. For God's sake, it's the 5th of January &I'm utterly blind to everything without my planner. Initiative to prepare myself for the new semester because we all know it's the fastest semester. I really don't know what has gotten into me recently. We can even maybe track it to last August, but I don't want to get too deep into it without treating this... disease.

No excuses, time to be productive. Time to be me again.

Oh &PS: Yes, I'm over it! Finally.