Quote of the Day.

OK, so what? I'm gonna run from every guy that doesn't like me?

...There's not gonna be anyone left.

-Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You

bahaha, so sad. I've always wanted to be someone's exception.

L'arte d'arrangiarsi.

Photograph by Jeanette Sinh

Translation: The art of making something from nothing.

At this point in my life, I'm not really sure if that's possible when considering my love life. (Or rather, my nonexistent love life.)

This coming 2010, I'm going to do the impossible. However, in order to this, I must let go of all that hinders me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that 11:59PM tonight would be a deadline. After that, I'll leave you in 2009.

You'll be the dream I leave behind, I'm too sad to say.

Tonight, this New Year's Eve, I'll be spending it with people I actually care about, not the people that I wanted to impress, that had the IQ of about 100, combined. I really don't know what will happen this coming new year. I have my goals intact. Honestly, I never would have believed myself if I knew what happened this year one year ago today. From friends lost to friends made again, from bottles of Jack Daniels to multiple cans of nasty beer, from dealing with heartbreak to developing new crushes, from dates to random make-out sessions (whore.), from family togetherness to family separation. I made the MARC program, went from a 3.7 GPA to a 3.6 GPA (no bueno), made amazing connections with grad schools and my own professors, went to Australia, San Francisco and Phoenix, gotten closer to Mariana, Jeanette, and Tiffani. I must say this was a successful year when thinking of all the great, amazing blessings I have been given. &To think of it, I was able to do all this without sexual indulgences. Yeah, if I told myself this last year, I would have been practically suicidal, to say the least. However, you deal. This year has been complicated enough, ask my friends.

I have no resolutions. I will just do what I always do - I'll follow my heart. You can't regret something because @that moment in time, you wanted it. &I don't do things unless I want it - bad.

Maybe 2009 was truly the definition of l'arte d'arrangiarsi. Let's do the impossible in 2010. ♥

Half of My Heart.

My imagination has formed you to be perfect - absolutely perfect. However, who you are, is much much more. I can't stress enough how dangerous this is. I love the potential of us. The potential that was completely demolished by you two months ago. Half of me says that I don't like you anymore, or rather that I cannot like you anymore. &This was working. The other half of me says to stay. This would be the death of me. As Jeanette told me before I spilled my heart to him, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." It just seems like I'm going back in circles &making the same mistakes. I'm gonna run ahead &interpret everything he does positively, giving me hope that maybe this time he really does like me. &Yet again, I'll scare him off &we'll separate. Doesn't he know that I still like him? He's oblivious to most, so I'm pretty sure this is all friendliness. This leaves me in utter agony. I know my friends hate when I'm like this, which is why they tell me to stay away. I don't know, maybe I just need to be pushed harder to the ground, have my heart break into a billion little pieces instead of a million, &have him kick me when I'm down. I know I told him we can still hang out &whatnot, but what I'm getting from him is a vibe that maybe he's turned around &FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT. Yeah, no I didn't believe that either.

If he's into me, he'd do anything to be with me. That's just how it is. No excuses. I can't believe I'm wasting blog space on him, mind space on him &hours of sleep over him.

@Least I'm going through this with Jeanette - even though that doesn't really make it any better. We just want to know like a band-aid. However, I do know already. That's the difference right there. What I'm asking now is... Did something change? Basically, Do you like me now? bahaha, I would do that every two months with him if I could! Yes, I would wait for him - which is incredibly pathetic, desperate, horrible, &heart-aching. I just want my thoughts to stop going @about 500mph &just focus on the real things rather than the imaginary. My mind can do wonders.

It's different with you. Ugh, that's how it always starts. I've dated guys before you &I've dated guys after you. Yet, you're the only one I want. After all, you're the highlight of my 2009. I don't know if that's pitiful, but it was one heck of a night. Even if you were late, didn't kiss me goodnight, or told me a secret that kinda crushed my heart a bit, you being you was matchless &incomparable. The conversation alone with you made my heart melt. The riskiness of trying new things, namely food was wonderful. Did I mention the conversation was great? We talked, I asked you questions &get this - I had questions to answer as well! Yes, I don't ask for much, but I have never felt so compatible or connected to a guy like that in a long time.

I don't know, maybe I'm just attracted to guys who are attracted to me. After all, there was a day you were attracted to me. Those days are long gone. I don't know you very well, but I'm pretty sure you're getting a little tired of your routines, your constant let-downs &heart-breaks, &the predictable. I don't know, but I feel like there is @least a tiny bit in you that does like me. (God, this sounds like begging now!) If it's there, I can justify these feelings. Don't tell me you're messed up or not up to a serious relationship when I never mentioned any of that. If you're not into me, tell me &most importantly, let me go. I just want to hear a guarantee that you will never like me in that way, that you will never look into my eyes with your giant brown liquid-center eyes, or that you will never kiss me without meaning it. That's not too hard to ask from a friend, is it?

Half of my heart has a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you.

Quote of the Day.

There's a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything &trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's not giving up - it's realizing you don't need certain people &the bullshit they bring into your life.

-Dr. Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy

After years of this quote being on my "Boxes" on Facebook, I finally saw it again &it struck a chord with me.
Time heals, don't harbor any hate. Life just... goes on.

Christmas '09.

Saint Dominic's Midnight Mass.

As I look at the children in the pews, I realize that time does not discriminate. These young ones were not even alive when I attended St. Dominic's Elementary School! I was raised in Eagle Rock, raised in Saint Dominic's. It makes me smile to think that these children will be raised in the same parish I was. I don't regret a thing.

One year ago today, I forgave my brother. Today, I cannot find myself to forgive. There is a purpose to this, however. I admitted that I do not have any issues, but maybe I just hide this well. My brother needs to grow up &no one can force him to do so but himself. I am the one that loves him the most, the one who knows him the most, &the one who misses him the most. I think to myself constantly, "What if it was me who was messed up? What if I absorbed all the pain &suffering he was forced to endure? How would he be?" I am stronger than he is, because of him. I know I can't blame myself forever for this, but it's sort of like "survivor's guilt." Why did it have to be me who survived? A large piece of himself died during that part of our lives. Ever since then, all the choices he made killed little pieces of him. Is he even there anymore? This is a yearning I do not think of because I know that if I do, I will be left absolutely heartbroken, crushed. This is not a break-up, falling out, unrequited loving, or anything of that sort. This is blood that cannot be helped, cannot be saved. Jesus saved us when he was born. CJ saved me from having his life. I can't help but see all the guilt I should be feeling - all the guilt I feel when I think of this.

What is religion? What is spirituality? What is forgiveness?

I apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic. I believe this is why I try to focus on things I can deal with - idiotic males.

Merry Christmas. I hope you can all find kindness and love in your hearts. &Most of all, I hope you can find peace.

Quote of the Day.

I don't like the guy. But I realized that you are sma[r]ter and better than him and would never settle for less.

-Mariana Ruiz

Thanks for the gift! Thanks for this - you opened my eyes.

Bullshit Aside.

My headaches are worrying me. I didn't think much of it these past few months even if 75% of the time I would feel them. I just didn't think much of it. But this month? It happens daily. Aspirin everyday. Unbearable head pain. &Just recently, hard pressure on my chest. Heart spasms. I don't know.

I promise, I'm going to get checked out soon. But knowing my luck... But let's not talk about it. My friends get pissed if I start talking this way.

It may be nothing. Please, let it be nothing.

Quote of the Day.

&Then, there's another kind of love - the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one-sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. ... I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not &will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

-Iris on "The Holiday"

A face on a lover with a fire in her heart. A woman undercover, but you tore me apart.

Greener Pastures.

Yeah, they talk about her. She smiles like she's so tough. She says, "Hey, can you talk a little louder? I don't think my heart is broken enough."

The happiest place on earth will always make me happy. With great company &great conversation, it makes the experience absolutely amazing I definitely think I needed an eye-opener today. I'm glad to have had Jeanette with me, ready to strike. ♥

There's a sort of comfort I find in not knowing what is in my future. Ironic, isn't it? However, I do know I have a future &a happier one @that. Sometimes you need to do things like a band-aid. If this past year didn't teach me that, I have no idea what I learned this year. Finally putting my life in my own hands &leading myself wherever I desire to go is freeing. Hindrance, hurt, exploitation, victimization, deception &drama are never elements that I would want to hold on to. I see all sides of the story, am open-minded &give chances.

I'm meant to shine... &I will.

Quote of the Day.

Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by morning light - somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found. Baby, let's just get out of this town.

-Carrie Underwood's "Get Out of This Town"

Who am I kidding? You're my #1.

"Icicles."

Shaking in the cold of my bed
Trembling at the very thought of you
The uncertainty pulls me along
Hoping I won't again play the fool

Silliness lies in false hopes
But, love, that's the only gift
I receive from you
If the choice is between nothing &hurt,
Then I'll feel the pain all the while loving you

Stubbornness is our wall
I want so bad for you to see
That I'll accept every inch of you
Tell me all along it was me.

If once again I am cut to shreds
Just tell me I'm everything you want
But not what you deserve
That I'm all you ever wanted
But not what you deserve.

Dates.

Photograph by Bullet Salvador.

Good dates are hard to come by. Sure, it may be because the two people don't know one another yet, don't know what they like, how they are or what environment they thrive in most. However, there are some key elements that must be impeccable to be considered a good date.

1) Eat. The food has to be good. Forget creating a mood. Give me some good food, then we'll talk.
2) Conversation. Don't just talk about you, get to know me. This is us trying to get to know each other, isn't it?
3) Laugh, &Make me laugh. A good sense of humor may make me look at you differently - in a great way.

This isn't difficult. Hints are dropped here &there &if you listen carefully &genuinely are attracted, you'll see it all.

With this said, personally, I've only had one great date with a guy. I'm a sucker for great dates.

Beyond Comparisons.

Unexpected visits. Contagious laughter. Busting missions. Not knowing where we'd be the next minute. Wheels turning. Christia plotting.

We're Lucy &Ethel, no doubt. We thrive on the desire of depth, intelligence, maturity, &communication. She's a realist, I'm an idealist. I live off emotion, she lives off sensibility. An open understanding of where each of us stands is accomplished. She knows my darkest secrets, I know where her passions lie. These past months with my roommate make me wonder where all the time went. We met almost three years ago at MSMC's Overnight Program. Dear Lord, don't get us started on what our first thoughts were of each other. The universe pushed us together, not to mention the high of Orientation. I'm glad we were able to always find our way to one another. She opens my eyes to different possibilities &helps me fight against my greatest enemy - myself.

I wonder everyday how we are able to work out. Don't get us wrong, we step on each others' toes once in a while, but after tearful negotiations (On her part. Who woulda thunk it?) balance is restored. She's my imaginary childhood friend and the stability I perpetually yearn for. Come on, we have obese alter egos.

When I felt doubtful &insecure due to unrelated constant let-downs, she knew exactly what to do without hesitation. Never have I ever felt relief, security, &appreciation as I did at that moment. Honestly.

I'm happy to have found her &many of my other phenomenal friends (You all know who you are, don't even doubt it for a second). She incessantly amazes me. No comparisons, please. She's one of my best friends.

The Neural Synapses of Christia.

I still think cops are scary. Goodbye Rside. I love Laker games! I need to go to the bank. I drive a lot. Rain doesn't scare me. I love my best friend. I want my Jack Daniels back. History means a lot to me. I can't believe I've had crushes on certain people. I think I'll get Dim Sum tomorrow morning. I'm gonna be working a lot again @Crate. I wish I could have gone to the OR. I don't like him anymore, but it's okay to casually hang out with him again, yeah? Women are not meant to serve sandwiches, you misogynistic, homophobic, sexist dumbass. He's fucking shady. I should work in Public Relations for all the staging and plotting I do. Mind games are a bitch when feelings are involved. That said, no feelings are involved so watch the fuck out. I don't want to know you anymore; I know how you are. I hope he doesn't think I still like him. I wish I were pretty. I need to stop by Verizon because I have bad luck with electronics, namely phones. I'm starting to get used to the cold and rain. He needs to grow the fuck up. My eczema's acting up again. I miss CJ. I love Kevin Love. I need to have a day off to run my errands. I have to get my 24 hour fitness membership (again) soon. I love LA. Don't let a kiss fool you &a fool kiss you. I'm so happy I got a better grade for Molecular Biology. Guys don't hear shit girls say, huh? 17-year-olds can be men. I'm anxious to find out my Organic Chemistry grade. I miss Disneyland. I'm addicted to checking out my horoscopes. I want to see Sherlock Holmes. I need to do my holiday shopping. I hate tickets. I can't wait till 500 Days of Summer comes out so I can purchase the DVD. Yes, I'm still not like the other girls you're used to. I'm gonna miss my Children's Literature class. I tend to make boys run - away. I lay awake in bed often due to many things wandering in my head. I've missed my blog. Thank you for getting this far, good night.

Quote of the Day.

They're not ready for you!

-Tiffani Sapanghila

No, they're not. Bitches won't know what hit 'em.

Queen of Procrastination.

My subconscious finally slapped me in the face - figuratively speaking of course.

I've been taking a lot of naps recently &I had a dream that I woke up late to my Molecular Biology final. So not good, considering I'm not doing as great as I thought I would be in that class.

I always thought getting A's easily wasn't a motivation. Now that I'm not getting an A in this class, I'm not motivated because it's now impossible for me to get an A. Get it?

Oh, what a paradox. I hope this large extreme mocha pushes me to study.

I'm done Wednesday. Handle itttt.

Quote of the Day.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

-He's Just Not That Into You

Oh my God.

Epitome of Mediocrity.

As the semester is slowly heading toward a close, I look back ¬ice that different factors were introduced in my life. As much as I want to believe these factors had no probability of affecting my work, it has. The effect? Mediocrity on my part.

Dr. H.G. Adams said at a talk he had recently that 70% of the elements that people stress out about has already happened or will never happen to them. I'm currently stressing about elements that have already happened, namely substandard efforts in my classes. It's more than too late to change all of that. Why am I still stressing? I know that all I can do now is work on my finals. I know I can't get the grades I so highly desired. However, I can still control not getting the grades I know I never want.

It's difficult because I feel that no one really understands how bad I wanted those high grades. So I won't be on the Dean's List this semester - so what, right? Not really. I feel like if I slip up, like I'm doing now, I'm going to disappoint my parents, my brother, &my cousins. I'm not the type that slips. I'm the sponge that soaks up the information like water. The one that understands every detail of what I'm studying, as well as the general idea of things. My brain feels like mush. I used to be smart - Maybe I still am?

I feel like the poster child of mediocrity. But hey, if I'm going to be mediocre, I might as well be at the epitome of mediocrity. I'm not ending this without a fight. Find me in first floor stacks of the library. That'll be my home for the time being.

Meet me in Montauk&hearts.

Just a Game of Dodgeball.

...&I'm the chubby kid that always gets hit by the ball with the winner hiding behind me, waiting for me to get hit.

Horrible.

Better Believe I'm Fearless.

&If i end up lonely, @least i will be there knowing I believe in love.

I take chances. I would like to thank my past loves for molding me to the person I am today. I know that I'm the one who puts themselves on the line &I love myself for that. I'm a no regrets kind of gal.

Better believe it. ♥

Quote of the Day.

It's kind of scary. In my mind, it's like I'm fixated on him. Sometimes, I think I'm in love, but I know it's not possible because I just met him.

-Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210

I'm a sucker for these things. Blah.

Paper Bag.

You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today, gotta keep my cheating strategy &baby I'm gonna have it made.

But someday we'll all be old &I'll be so damn beautiful.

I was so caught up in the "love vs. career" debate that I never realized that I have neither. As I stand in the CSUDH Student Union ballroom, I feel a wave of anxiety and loneliness. Loneliness? Out of all the other things that should be in my mind while presenting - that's what I feel? How many times did I feel like breaking down right then &there? How many times did my mind wander to the thought that someone with warm &familiar eyes would walk through that door to support me? No one is obliged to me. I don't know why hope was still there.

Twice already did I present - such a great accomplishment, right? But neither times did I feel solace. There are only two people that I can think of that would definitely be there. But they're not in my lives.

I'm beginning to think that there's a lonely future ahead of me. ...Then why is everyone that I "love" pushing me to that future?

Quote of the Day.

Image via The Los Angeles Times

"Look at yourselves. Some of you teenagers, students. How do you think I feel and I belong to a generation ahead of you - how do you think I feel to have to tell you, 'We, my generation, sat around like a knot on a wall while the whole world was fighting for its human rights - and you've got to be born into a society where you still have that same fight.' What did we do, who preceded you? I'll tell you what we did. Nothing. And don't you make the same mistake we made..."

-Malcolm X

By any means necessary. Can too much be too much? In my opinion, in this matter, this is not too much. I am a student. I will be affected, although seemingly indirectly. I'll continue to watch this development closely. I stand behind education. I stand behind the students.

[Untitled.]

Church setting. White and light teal. Tulips &lilies. The epitome of grandeur and romanticism. Clear complexion. Watery eyes. "I do."

It's what I yearn for - a far-off dream similar to my little-girl desire to be Pocahontas when I grow up. Although the latter may never happen, the former is a possibility that narrows with every day that passes. I hear it all the time: "we have the rest of our lives to find the one." But honey, do you understand that this is what my heart lives for? Do you understand that with every "wrong place, wrong time" scenario that befalls upon me, it crushes my belief in the one? Don't get me wrong, I perpetually have hope &resilience, but that little sparkle in my eye - the aspiration that I have engraved in my heart &mind since the age of three (yes, that may be an exaggeration) - shimmers a little less.

It's the worst time to be looking. I resist myself from looking. The clues that used to be around me to lead me to you are no longer visible. I'm still here. It may seem like I'm not, but dig a little deeper. As hard as I try, I can't envision my future without you.

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
&The other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere &into my life.

D is for Douchebags.

You move your hand across my knee, turn me into some novelty. Did you ever take the time to think about who I might be? Where I've been? What I'm thinking? Who I love? What I've seen? I guess I'm one more girl on a stage, just one more ass that got stuffed in some jeans &its one more day that you don't find true love.

I was engulfed with the sensation of fear this past week. Everything was all confirmed today. It wasn't a fear of dying, losing someone, or disappointing. It was a fear of the unknown - of what I wanted to keep as unknown. It was dread inside of me based on me - or rather, my body.

It's difficult enough to be a woman. It's difficult to constantly be stared at, noticed. It doesn't give me a sense of happiness when I know the sole thing these men are thinking about is me minus the clothes. They look past the intelligence, the strength, the determination of most women &turn them into some trinket.

It's easier for other beautiful girls without the "major distractions" to become more in-depth with others. To be noticed for their personality. To be fully appreciated for who they are. However, women like me are frequently harassed by douchebags, jerks, and little boys. Charm, game, and lies are introduced in the conversation. For someone naive, this all looks glittery and shiny - until the day they realize they were used and violated. Just because a girl has "big tits," "a nice ass," "a bangin' body," or a "cute face" doesn't mean you can take advantage of their beauty to show off to your other douche friends. We are not some free land you can conquer only for you to abandon a couple days later.

No, to my knowing, I have not been taken advantage of yet. I am not ignorant of these types of little boys. However, "with power, comes more responsibility." With more features, come more creeps.

I want to hide under a rock for all eternity, but that's just another way of defeat. If anything is tried, you better fucking know you'll be put in your place. There's more to me, baby, that you wish you will never see.

Re-calibrating.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I underestimated everything. I'm pushing my pride aside &telling it how it is. If shame is felt, there is a reason why.

I'm not very confident with my capability to grasp knowledge well, but I understood that I was more blessed than most. However, these past few weeks have not showcased my potential &my ability to rise up to the occasion. I'm falling behind. I'm not passing exams. I'm turning in late work. I seem like I have no interest in anything I do whatsoever. It's bad.

There is no excuse to my behavior because 1) I am not working @Crate &Barrel half as much as I used to. 2) I don't have as many units as I had last semester. 3) I don't go into work @UCLA as much as I had several weeks prior. The differences? 1) The MARC Program & 2) My conclusion: My social life.

I'm all about time management &I feel as if I misjudged how factoring in a social life into student life is absolutely unique and draining. I saw everything in short term. I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew what to do in order to optimize my efficiency. However, in reality, I stayed @zero &was not efficient at all.

I'm stating my problem publicly &the solution is obvious &undeniable. Get your shit together &stop with the distractions. I am human &I am like everyone else. I'm mortal &I have flaws. I never knew I would have to learn this lesson like this. Who would? Now, I have to make sure my priorities are in check &keep my main goal in mind -&it has nothing to do with being the greatest beer pong champion in the world, look like a fucking badass in front of people I don't even know, or get a stupid, unworthy guy to notice me. In the words of the United States Army, it's to be the fucking best I can be. &I know there are high expectations of me, set by me. &That's because I have the potential, the drive, the motivation &the tools to do so. I'm tired of all this second-rate bullshit, I'm better than that. I'm re-calibrating my priorities because I know I deserve more.

Deactivated.

Don't underestimate my level of detachment.

"No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands."

I'm trouble, baby. Trust me.

Well-Rounded.

Everyone's unique in their own way, balancing themselves out in a specific way molded for them alone. They study, attend school, go to work, go out with friends, watch movies, eat dinner. They go to basketball games, watch soccer games, read CNN or PerezHilton, go on Facebook, have dinners with family, love their significant other. There's a balance in all of this for the common person.

Some study more than go out. Some drink more than go to work. Priorities are the threads that seam all of these aspects together. The material used - whether it be cotton, silk, paper, or polyester differs in everyone. They can know more of a couple things, but is it possible to know more on all aspects?

I don't know about me just yet. It may all be relative. It may not.

All I know is that I seem to be intelligent on many to all angles. But one -

My family. I try to give the impression that all is fine&dandy in the family portion of my life - but it's only because I hide that so well under my superficially planted persona.

I don't know, what you see is what you get with me. However, when it comes to my family, it's all sugar-coated. Don't believe a word I say.

Reality versus expectations - I am really a well-rounded person. Or am I?

Quote of the Day.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."

-J.K. Rowling

This ABRCMS Conference is already beginning to change my perceptions. This all feels so surreal. I can have it all.

Quote of the Day.

Si mañana te vas, mañana te olvido. Si mañana me amas, me escapo contigo.

-Rocio Trujillo

Tread carefully. ♥

A Lesson in Class.

We're distinctive, extraordinary, unrivaled, incomparable. It should be obvious to see. No, this isn't a "let's all be cocky" type of moment. This is an "open your eyes" instant. I know a ton of great girls who are worthy of anyone's time &yet, they constantly get hurt &are mistreated. It's ridiculous to assume that, just because we give you a second of our time, that we're down to satisfy your sexual, physical, barbarian urges.

You spend enough time with us to notice, I'm sure. However, there must be some wires in your head that have been singed or wired incorrectly so much that you turn around and cross the line - whatever that line may signify. Whether it be making inaccurate assumptions, taking things too fast, or send signals that convey unfelt feelings, there is no excuse for your uncontrolled behavior. So please, don't try.

We're intelligent young women who think twice before we speak, can hold a legitimate conversation, and take care of your belligerence while simultaneously holding our liquor, knowing quality marijuana, and look cute while doing it all. How many girls can do this? Honestly?

Know a good thing when it's in front of your face. Treat us like the great girls we are because Lord knows we are beyond comparisons. However, if you like settling for your constant one night stands, teases, no-depth ladies who bat their eyelashes and giggle at every word you say, then do what you have to do. We'll live.

So who are we exactly? Your friends, the girls who round up your "crew" when you're not in the right state of mind. The girls who let you lay your head on their shoulder when you're getting tired. The girls who you always find yourself with when the party's dead and you're tired of the superficiality of your other conversations (if ever that finally happens). The girls who fulfill your intelligent needs. The girls who, by the end of the night, you're not thinking of when you're hitting on some short-skirted, tank-top wearing, slutty bumblebee. The ones who are there when you're passed out or when you've made a fool out of yourself in front of the girl who cares about the way her hair looks. We're more than all of that &you know it because you always find yourself with us in the end - either by the end of a struck-out night or the hungover morning.

Open your eyes &maybe you'll see we're women who won't bring in the drama, who know exactly what you want &how you want it. If only you could get all of this through your big, beer goggle-wearing head, then you'll find the real thrill in all of this - a thrill that will last more than the 30 seconds it took for you to take off her clothes. We don't yearn for your attention - we know there are more mature men out there. Just clear your glasses to find that the real, genuine women you're subconsciously looking for is right there - all around you. But maybe the glisten of the other girl's legs were too much of a distraction for you to see.

Quote of the Day.

If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?

-"Infatuation" by Maroon 5

Mmm, this feels familiar.

Drospirenone &Ethinyl Estradiol.

So, reading through all of my October posts, it's obvious that the majority of them were about a certain someone. Aren't they all? Realizing all that I put myself through, it's foolish - it all was. No, I don't regret it, but I think it's hilarious how I allow myself to be defeated by such feelings. Maybe it's the extra hormones talking or maybe it's just me coming to my senses. Nevertheless, I'm excited for Wednesday when I leave for the ABRCMS Conference.

Actually, there is one more thing that is bugging me. A particular "break up," actually. If it feels like a break-up, acts like a break-up &forces you to deal with specific situations like a break-up, it's a break-up. &That's my official name for it. ...&Just like a break-up, I don't turn around &ask for the other person back. When I have my mind set, oh baby, it's set. The only thing I do ask for after a break-up is consideration. The one thing I never get back is consideration. So I know you're doing what you're doing, but don't come back around when you feel like it &play with me. My eyes have opened, the blinders are off. Don't restrict me from the world - I'm freeeee. ♥

Quote of the Day.

Because it feels so good. Even just having someone tangible to dream about. It's a double-ended sword.

-Jeanette Sinh

I'm stuck on a feeling, on a dream. Dreams don't die. There's pain either way. We just have to learn to put it aside &move on for the moment. He's everything I want &I don't know why.

A First for Everything.

Well baby you can try to tell me how it is &try to justify everything you did, but honey I'm no fool &I've been down this road too many times with you - I think it's best you go. Well you got nerve to waltz right in &think what's mine is yours again. I've been doing fine without you.

It scares me to know that this will be the first time I'll ever be walking away from anyone. God knows I always stick through till the end, but the truth is that I'm so much better without you.

I'm done with the immaturity, tantrums &let-downs. The passiveness, bottling up of emotions &breakdowns.

Honestly, I'm walking away this time.

Rescue You.

I saw someone worth saving.

Ten Days.

Ten days &I'll be heading to Phoenix for the much-anticipated trip to the ABRCMS National Conference.

It's still all surreal for me. It's scary. I just had an incredibly deep talk with a friend yesterday &honestly, of all the bad luck I complain about having, I'm still lucky to have what I have - to be able to have opportunities like this.

I feel like this trip, regardless of how small and how close by Arizona is, will make me see things differently, or even change me. It's just a feeling. I think it will be good of me to go away from LA for a bit. Away from the Mount. Away from Eagle Rock. Away from Riverside. Away from West Hollywood. Away from Pasadena. &Away from all the people in it &in between.

All my other getaways include having someone with me - always having one constant. But this time, it'll be different. I'll be away from everyone I love &for some weird reason, I'm kind of looking forward to it. Not to say I don't like being with my loved ones. It's just that I'll finally be able to focus on my work and research - my future - without interruptions, distractions &emotional attachments.

Arizona, here I come. ♥

Quote of the Day.

It sucks always being the one before the one.

-Christia Sison

It's been a proven theory. &I'm scared. I need to be prepared.

Quote of the Day.

You need to watch my shitty driving &I need to watch over your emotions.

-Mariana Ruiz

Oh how many things can occur in a matter of 24 hours. We balance each other out. I keep her grounded, she tells me to shoot for the stars. I love this girl.

Happy.

Everyone's afraid, but if you don't even try, you'll constantly be left as the loser in this game we're all forced to play. We've all been hurt before, we've all "been there, done that." We can frequently predict how the next relationship is going to turn out, but is that enough to stop you from checking it out for yourself? Will it stop you from making a deep connection with someone who genuinely likes you &cares for you? Will it stop you from experiencing all those quiet moments, big laughs, beautiful sparks &everything in between? It may not end the way you want it, but honestly... You'd be able to say you cared for someone &was cared for. No one can say they don't want to feel desired, wanted, or needed. I'm sure everyone does. Then why push all that away? I'm not saying to love everyone that gives you the look. I'm saying to see what's out there. To give things a chance. Life's all about learning &gathering information in order to accomplish your goal - your meaning in life. If your meaning in life doesn't have anything to do with other people, then go ahead - fear love, or rather, the capability of feeling love. This isn't a serious thing. Who's to say if it could have been? I'm saying to open your eyes because fear's the only thing not letting you breathe.

I've finally let go &allowed myself to be just me. &I love being able to get out there &see what will come next. I don't care if I make a fool out of myself, end up stupidly heart-broken or waste nights sulking myself in my sorrow &misery. Yeah, it fuckin' hurts like a bitch, crippling you in every way possible, engulfing your mind during every second in the day. However, after those few nights of crying - literally or figuratively - I'm right back up, knowing better. I know more of what I want &what I don't want, how to do things &how not to do things. You - on the other hand - are abandoned due to not knowing, due to restraints, due to fear.

I'm not going to apologize for anything I do. I'm not going to regret every decision I've made that doesn't turn out the way I want it. There doesn't have to be a means to an end. There just has to be a path - either one that you follow or one that you make for yourself. Either way, don't be @a stand still. We're all better than that &I'm pretty sure we all deserve more than that.

Don't stop your instincts &as cliche as it may sound - follow your heart. You may not see it now, but one day, you'll finally be able to be happy.

Mysteries Solved.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

*My campus is a no-bike, no-skateboard area. I've biked in the Circle before with security watching.
*I absolutely adore my brothers - both of them.
*I love Tolstoy &have been in the process of reading Anna Karenina for 17 months now.
*I hate staying @home for longer than 12 hours - unless I'm sleeping.
*The only thing I look forward to in the holidays is working retail.
*I'm book-smart. I'm sooo not street-smart.
*I sometimes contemplate if the people who drive luxury cars know how much of a douche they are.
*I absolutely respect college basketball @the NBA. Lamar Odom♥.
*If I were to get a tattoo with words, it would be Adele's lyrics I have on the upper right-hand corner of my page.
*I have a rose sticker on my box cutter @work to remind me of working in Pasadena.
*The only music I won't listen to is heavy metal. Sorry. &Maybe trance, house &ska.
*If you don't like Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, I'll look @you funny... then try to convert you.
*I've decreased the amount of times I say, "that's what she said." But I'm constantly thinking it.
*"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be good. (Natasha Bedingfield)
*You can never be a glutton of naptime.
*If there were earmuffs for noses - nosemuffs - I'd be first in line to buy one.
*I hate when people have PowerPoint presentations &just read off the slide.
*I don't regret any decision I've made in my life.
*I've never crushed on anyone first, went out with them &then really like them - until this year.
*I'm not afraid of not being a teenager anymore - I've squeezed out everything there is I could out of my teenage years. I'm ready for my twenties!

&One for good luck: My favorite music artists that will never change are Christina Aguilera, John Legend, Michael Buble, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum &Kellie Pickler. I listen to music as a way of therapy. It keeps my sanity &acts like my fairy god-mother, always guiding me to the right direction.

Let's pray for this year to be blessed with love, life &living. [:

Don't Be a Ho.

These days, kids are acting older &older. We're @that point in our lives where we're finding what we want - where we experiment to the utmost.

But, as my title says, don't be a ho. Or, rather - know the consequences. If you sleep around constantly, just know what people will think. I'm not super conventional or traditional, but I know that with every action you choose to do, there will be ramifications. What goes around comes around, baby. That's not a hard concept to understand.

Got 'Em.

Yeah, I've got some big-ass balls - I'm not gonna lie. I told you all that I hate playing games &never abide by the rules. So, finally, here's the proof.

No one should ever be left in the dark. I'm put in that position constantly when it comes to scenarios like these. I was tired of it. I don't want to be wasting my time on something that isn't there. I had a wake-up call &I don't regret it. Sure, in the short-run it seems like it's a foolish thing to do - crazy, even. I don't mind one bit. I know what I want &I'm not afraid to look it in the eye &get it - if it's attainable.

This time it wasn't. But hey, odds were it wouldn't be. "Hope for the best, expect the worst," baby. That's life.

Of course, it might get weird, but it comes with the territory. There's plenty of fish in the sea, there's so much out there - I don't doubt it.

So, what's next?

Take a deep breath. Look up. &Move on.

Quote of the Day.

I'm sick of all the rules... The overwhelming odds have it ending badly. &When that happens, it will be one out of a million possible reasons, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. If it does fail - so help me God - it's not gonna be because of some rule.

-Ted on How I Met Your Mother

I am sick of all the rules. Break them.

Beauty in the Breakdown.

Photograph by Bullet Salvador.

"What do you want to do?" It's a common question that everyone keeps asking me. It's not that simple. I'm not complicated, but just wanting something is not a good enough reason to do something. Omy gosh. If I'm able to bluntly ask you what your intentions are, it would be so much easier. What am I afraid of? Misunderstanding the situation, overanalyzing the scenario, interpreting it all wrong. I just don't want to look like the fool. I'm constantly playing that card. If it didn't mean anything for me, I wouldn't give a fuck. But it does. For me. Sorry, but you chose the wrong girl. I'm gaga over you &I can't handle it. Can't you see it? Can I just please get a straight answer? Can't you just look me in the eye &tell me all of it doesn't mean anything, that it was all impulsive? That I was the closest thing you could get your hands on &it was all in vain? That I was so easy to tamper with that you couldn't resist not using me to your advantage? That it's all in fun? That you were thinking of someone else? That it really was just the song? That I'm a time-filler in your busy life? That I hold no significance to you whatsoever? That you thought you saw what you wanted in me, but realized it's not there?

I need all of this to go away. I need you to do it quick - like a band-aid. The sooner I know - the sooner you can verify my over-analyzations, misinterpretations, and misunderstanding of it all - the faster I'll be put out of this misery.

I should have known. I should have known. I should have known. Stop falling. Stop looking. Stop being careless with your heart. This is not worth it. Odds are that I won't be getting what I want. Why couldn't I just go through the motions & not challenge these odds? Why did I have to risk it?

Put me out of my misery, please. I'm breaking down &I see no beauty in it. Release me from your grasp.

Quote of the Day.

I understand feeling as small &as insignificant as humanly possible. &How it can actually ache in places you didn't know that you had inside of you. &It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail &wonder what you did wrong &how you could have misunderstood... &how in the hell for that brief moment you could think you were that happy. &Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light &show up @your door. &After all that - however long "all that" may be - you'll go somewhere new &you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. &Little pieces of your soul will finally come back &all that fuzzy stuff - those years of your life that you wasted - that will eventually begin to fade.

-The Holiday

Risky Behavior.

I'm forgetting the weather changes. I'm forgetting my birthday. I'm forgetting the holidays. I'm letting go of the rain. I don't know what it is, but I really don't care. I'm happy at the moment even if everyone around me has questions. I'm scared, yes. But who would have ever thought I'd go this far? Who would have ever thought I'd be in this position? It's all new to me &I really don't mind. ...at the moment, of course.

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." I'm just afraid of crashing hard on the rocks without having to see a glimpse of what's ahead of me. My friend, Bryan, said that you can't get up from falling without falling hard &hitting the ground. I'm just so afraid to hit that floor - to hit rockbottom. It takes so much effort to raise yourself back up from a tiny decision you made just to tell the truth. &It's not fair. When is life ever fair?

No one ever wants to look like a complete jackass. No one ever wants to seem vulnerable. There's the fear. In Lloyd Alexander's Book of Three, one of the characters say, "Once you have courage to look upon evil, seeing it for what it is and naming it by its true name, it is powerless against you, and you can destroy it." This is a fear all of us have. Not just a fear of new, unchartered territory, but a fear of getting there &being rejected. But isn't it better to know for sure rather than longing &waiting, keeping your feelings bottled up &saved for something that is unknown? I'm so scared, but I'm so happy it happened. I must be extremely lame or just oblivious to everything.

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." &I'm 102% sure this is everything I want. ...So I'm not gonna give it up. But where do I go from here?

A Change. Part Two.

I just wanted one aspect of my life that doesn't involve you. &It felt sooooo good. The constant stress, attacks &stubbornness absolutely killed me, breaking me down emotionally, mentally, &financially. After that, you never crossed my mind. I was finally the "me" I can be, as sad as that sounds. So you don't know me anymore &frankly, I don't want you to.

You have got to be kidding me.

Let's Take a Step Back.

I found the old teddy bear he got me for my 17th birthday. You know, the one that you can write all over with markers, wash &repeat. The one that he made all my friends sign before my birthday without me knowing. The one that I was completely surprised with because he remembered our conversation from months prior about how I always wanted that specific bear. The super cute one with the cheesy line he wrote saying, "If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus a day so I never have to live without you" on its heart. The one that when I look at it, I think of the past. Yeah, that one.

&For some odd reason, I brought it up to my room. Whyyy?

Or, rather, a better question: Should I sleep with it/her?

He's Just Not That Into You

Men build bridges. If they want to find your phone number or anything else, they will. They will build huge, massive bridges to get to you.

I guess that's true &I guess I just don't want to believe it. Stubborn, much?

But two wrongs won't make a right. How do you know if too much is too much? I hate being in "like." You just made such an impression on me that I don't know what to do. &This is rare. Rare. I always hold on to the last thread as if it's what's keeping me together. I hate to say that I regret that night. But I think I would have regretted it either way. I constantly say to myself, "It's for the better." I don't know you. You don't know me. Why should I overthink something that probably does not exist? Why am I overthinking it right now?

Because I'm me. ha. Lamest excuse in the book. I like giving people excuses. I like giving them the benefit of the doubt. &That will be the end of me. I constantly give to other people, putting them ahead of me. I thought that would be the best. I hate seeing people hurt - I always fall for the sob story. I like fixing things &making people feel better. I thought that, after all the times you've been hurt, I could be the one that you could count on.

But I'm getting too ahead of myself. Like I always do. My mind is running at about 100 miles per minute &I'm still not getting to a conclusion.

It's called circular reasoning, baby. &Since the day I met you, I've been running around in circles. If word gets around to you, please give me a definite answer. But then again, you may just not be that into me.

Quote of the Day.

I hate being in like.

-Jeanette Sinh

I absolutely do. I'm either content being single or content being in a relationship. The in-between is terrible, confusing, draining, &shameful. Downright embarrassing.

Quote of the Day

Every time a guy let me down, I worried I was one step closer to living my life alone forever, rather than seeing it as one step closer to the guy who finally wouldn't let me down.

-The Frisky

If you blend me in with someone else, I guarantee I'll treat them right. I'll put them first. &I swear to God, I won't play any games. I'll tell you how it is. I'm so caught up in settling to that feeling that I don't realize I'm being taken for granted - taken advantage of.

Being selective definitely has its perks, but whyyyy do I tend to fall for the ones I shouldn't? Please, don't let me down.

"It's Like We're the SAME."

Yeah, I've known her since first grade. Yeah, that's about fourteen years, but who's counting? Her name's Jeanette Sinh &she's one of my closest friends. Throughout the fourteen years we've been acquainted, we've never been this close. It makes me happy. &Our parents as well. lol.

Let me tell you a little about this great young woman. She's a Libra, so she is inclined to being an idealist. However, she hides this very well. She sets the ground for realism &when she meets anyone, she'll tell them how it is. She doesn't run in circles - like most people our age - but she gets straight to the point. She's determined to push her limits &is found @Otis in all hours of the day &in the peak of night. She's focused &won't allow anyone to stand in her way. She also has a soft side - a side in which we fuse &are one in the same. She knows that when you are in a relationship, it should be wonderful. It shouldn't be about all the immaturities in life. It should be about the look. Yeah, this is the friend I've been telling you about. I can't even begin to tell you how well we see eye to eye. She is passionate &will try her hardest to be right there behind you when you need support. Nevertheless, she always has your back. She loves late-night runs for food or Yogurtland - she's an adventure-seeker. She's a Disney fanatic. She's a baaaaaad influence - she's the reason I'm a Disney fanatic now, too. She knows when to let her hair down &when to be serious. She gives a mad dogging look. She's most of my childhood embodied in a little Korean girl. Inside and out, she's absolutely adorable.

I may not be able to spend your birthday with you today, but on Friday, it's onnn. I'd like to dedicate this post to the amazing Ms. Sinh &would like to greet her a spectacular, awe-defining, beautiful birthday. Because Lord knows she deserves it.

Happy birthday, Jeanette. Live it up! ♥

Question of the Day.

Have you ever felt torn between allowing yourself to feel something toward one person versus playing the field with another?

But I guess since we're young, we shouldn't be inclined to desire a relationship nor be inclined to want to always stay single. We're young, so we shouldn't even stick to an idea of love so soon. Too early to tell. To early to predict. Don't predict. Don't make assumptions.

Right?

Barely Legal.

What is it with boys always going for the younger girls? Is it the new fad? The new trend? What is it? Is it just society's want &desire for the current Lolita? They treat girls like cars - trade them in when the new model comes around. Is it because they're shinier, faster &have a better interior? Hah, it's funny.

Butttt, maybe it's all relative. I'm a young girl, too.

Quote of the Day.

I believe in love &lust &sex &romance. I don’t want everything to add up to some perfect equation. I want mess &chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion &heat &sweat &madness &I want Valentines &Cupids &all the rest of that crap. I want it all.

-Rose Morgan from The Mirror Has Two Faces

Sex/Love/Intensity/Passion. I want to watch this movie. [:

Quote of the Day.

Hey Stephen, I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose. All those other girls, well, they're beautiful... but would they write a song for you?

-Taylor Swift

Mmmm, I can't help myself.

Sex/Love/Intensity/Passion.

I've been molded to a rushed kind of love. Falling fast and falling apart faster. I've never been the one to end things because the passion ignites the thrill in me to venture something deeper, something more. The past relationships I've been in have never satisfied me fully. They were great, yes, but it always left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Sex complicates things. It's just the truth of the matter. I understand people who can just do it to do it, but sooner or later, the other person or that person, themselves, develop a kind of clingy complex. Feelings become involved, reciprocation does not. &We're hurt &searching all over again. I don't know, maybe it's not love that I love, but the intensity of a relationship. The connection. The attraction- the raw, original, genuine attraction. Of course, another factor comes into play: games. I don't know about you, but I hate playing these games. I understand that the chase is pivotal in the start of something, but what gets lost in it is the realness. Can't someone truly just want to get to know someone more without being this superficial LA mystery? Now, I'm not saying to let go of your heart &spill out your feelings either. There's a good balance - &maybe that right there is the game in itself. But that's all gray area.

Sex is best when it's deeper, passionate, sensual, touching, breathing, reciprocal actions, deepening, intense, with a hint of love for the insides of a person (figuratively). It's meaningful, beautiful &a gateway to the person's soul. Not the gateway, but a gateway. Ugh, this makes me sound like a total addict. I promise you I'm not - when I don't. It's great to have, do, feel, &express.

Love is sweetest when it's innocent. &After the first love, it really isn't anymore. The "sweet" part about it is the little things. The subtleties. &God knows I love the subtleties. It's a specific sort of feeling. It is found in actions. It may be found in sex, intensity &passion, but not always. There's a difference. Love, to me, is the romanticism of feelings. The giddiness, the kindness, the caring, the understanding of someone's truest &purest nature. When you find someone who satisfies this, it is signified by the look. I don't know if most of you know, but I am utterly obsessed with the look. I only have one friend who understands me fully with this. It's hard to explain. It's usually the sparks in someone's eyes that are expressed when they look @someone they truly care for. Not an empathatic or sympathetic look, but an intense, "Oh my god, this man/woman is all I can think of &see right now. &When looking @them, all my desires are fully and wonderfully quenched." Yeah, I'm getting all profound &whatnot, sue me. I don't really search for a love like this, but when I am in the midst of it, I know, understand &fully appreciate it. &To reiterate, I have not been fully satisfied through my past relationships. This love I am describing may also go for friendships, as well. &The friendships I cherish - my core - have some aspect of this love that make me fully satisfied as a whole. You can call me a puzzle, but I have most of my pieces intact. The bigger picture is known, but I know the shape of the pieces that are missing.

Intensity and passion are beautiful and rarely kept in relationships. This is usually found in the chase, or the beginning of getting to know someone. However, if this is kept, it would be a hell of a relationship. This is mostly kept in their sexual desires, which is fine. But it is best when one has their own intensity and passion for a different aspect - let's say art or music - &allows someone in to see and intertwine with it. Not become a part of it, but have an understanding of the feeling of the element they are satisfied with. I'm a Libra, so I come from the planet Venus, the planet of beauty, love and sensuality. I'm an idealist, but I know when to move in &when to create space... most of the time. I like the feel of equal effort &equal desires, which I think is wanted by most people. Settling for dullness is never an option &shouldn't be. I've never "broken hearts" because I downright tell them that they're just not satisfying me. If they push the envelope, I'll gladly change my mind. I search for specific opposite aspects of people that I can add to my balance - that I can interrogate, uplift &connect with. Everyone I keep around me has a specific je ne sais quoi that can be defined as determination for a specific thing - or for anything they still don't know yet. Knowing everything doesn't have to lead to intensity being shared between people. The process is good, too. When these details are intermingled into something as great as love or sex, the outcome is brilliant &absolutely, positively lethal.

What can I say? I wear my heart on my sleeve. ♥♥♥♥


(http://astrology.about.com/od/venus/p/VenusLibra.htm)