Better in Time.

It's time I let you go so I can be free &live my life how it should be. I thought I couldn't live without you - it's gonna hurt when it heals, too. &Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to. It'll all get better in time.

2008 has been a year of moving on. I've learned this year that time heals all &it's best if one doesn't let the past hold them back. Holding on to it is only destructive. The only thing we're able to do is learn from our mistakes &take a step forward from it. Life isn't long &there will be pain, but life goes on - with or without you. We might as well live it to the fullest with the people we love. I've moved on this year from all that I dwelled on from the year past. 2007 was a scary, unbelievable, unexpected, cold year. &This year, I was given the chance to get over it. &I have. &I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have helped me - those who taught me that it's okay to speak my mind &to be blunt, that it's okay to smile during the worst days ever, that it's okay to work hard &play hard later, that it's ok to grow and live life. Yes, I've gone through a lot, but I get myself back up again and become stronger. &I'm proud of that - terribly. It's bittersweet. It hurts. It goes away &you're able to see how good life can really be. So thank you - you know who you are. You're truly appreciated &I hope that I have impacted your life at least a fraction of how much you all have impacted mine. Thank you, I love you.

Now, 2009 will be an interesting year, but I'm ready for it - for the hardships, the laughs, the drama (ughhhh), the kickbacks, the morning-afters, the drunken nights/days, the hangovers, the surprise visits, the consequences, the fun, the adventures.

&I hope you would like to share them with me again... or for my new friends: let's see how much fun we can really have.

Let the 2009 adventures begin. Bring it.

One More Drink.

These past few days have been tiring.

Funny &tiring.

The end.

Christmases When You Were Mine.

I've been doing fine without you, really... up until the nights got cold. Everybody's here except you, baby. It seems like everyone's got someone to hold, but for me it's just a lonely time cause there were Christmases when you were mine. <3TS

Holidays aren't really anything I look forward to. However, I do look forward to giving presents to those I love. I looooove giving presents, mainly because I think I'm good at it &I love seeing their faces of utter happiness. This holiday season, I think I'll keep my expectations to a minimum, meaning no expectations. &This means expectations for anything good or bad. I always expect something bad will happen, but I'll try not to this year. It's different this year. I'm learning &growing more. I'm rising above.

There are people in the world who are starving, searching for their family, in desperate need of hospitality, or in need of saving in all aspects possible. However, we must be grateful that we have someone to spend this holiday with. If it's your dog or cat, mom or dad, brother or sister, or a good book to warm up by the fire with... or all of the above. Some people don't have that &we shouldn't take it for granted. I don't take any of the lessons I've learned this year for granted. Yes, I've been burned and heartbroken, but I'm finally moving on from all of it. I'm not gonna dwell in the past... "This, too, shall pass." I will not punish myself for the past.

Christmases when you were mine... I'll make new memories... Better memories.

Sunday Morning.

Sappy, pathetic, little me - that was the girl I used to be. You had me on my knees, I'd trade you places any day. I'd never thought you could be that way, but you looked like me on Sunday. You came in with the breeze on Sunday morning. You sure have changed since yesterday without any warning. I thought I knew you well... so well.

I've come to accept the fact that people just change... most of the time, without any warning.

Anyways, I like this "phase" right now. Sometimes I forget how amazingly wonderful it feels to be content. No frustrating individuals around, no drama to try to overcome, no events that cause self-inflicted wounds. Because I'm sure we all know by now that I like to overanalyze things so much it has become instinctive.

But anyways, I just wanted to update this. I know the past few days have been a crazy, hectic roller coaster ride with finals, the departure from the Mount, people who are absolutely ignorant, &love lost. I've gone through it, determined &focused than ever. Thanks to those who stuck by me &are the reason I am in the state I'm in today... which is absolutely close to perfect.

Thank you, I miss you, I love you.

I had an epiphany on Sunday morning.

Lesson Learned.

Here's a little journal I found last night that I wrote about a year ago. I don't even remember ever writing it, but I know it's fate that I saw it again. I understood a majority of it back then, but the rest - the rest finally hit me. Here it goes:

"Sometimes, it's better to not wear your heart on your sleeve. Life experiences have trained me to be a cold, bitter girl; yet, I'm so stubborn, I won't let that happen. These boys, they do not define you. It's OK to trust others, but make sure to know that maybe they're not trustworthy. Yes, people can surprise you @times, but happiness is life. Reality minus expectations. Take the past - learn from it. You do not need to be dependent on others for your happiness. It'll be hard, but you have to find that you being loved by yourself is enough. You can only be ready to love others when you love yourself. Be confident in knowing who you are. Find out who you are. Have fun. Don't disregard your morals - you know what is right &what is wrong. Don't let a boy - or any person, in that matter - tell you different. I deserve a lot. I am smart, knowledgeable, wise, loving, focused, disciplined, motivated. Show others that. Do not act dumb. You deserve a lot. Do not punish yourself for the past. Act in the present. Gain inner strength. Be strong, confident, kind to yourself. Find you. Love you."

"...Maybe it's me punishing myself. I know deep in my heart, I deserve better. Hold out until it comes. I should. I have all the time [in the world] to find myself &my motives. Take note - I am not worried about these boys around me. They have tried to define me - mold me. &It was only possible because I let it become possible... Because I don't know what form I a supposed to take into. They should not be my priority. I am my own priority. ON MY OWN TIME. I am disciplined, I am focused."

Watch a good one get away.

Miss-Understood.

I am appreciative of my core, those who stick by me through my constant roller coaster ride I call my life. It's not always easy to watch me go through my tough times, when it's me against myself. Regularly, they are the only ones who see me with bloodshot eyes due to hours of crying, exhausted from long days/nights at work, or down due to my lack of luck. Not only do they endure seeing me this way, they also are responsible for brightening my day, which is extremely difficult to do. Just ask them. I don't know how they do it, but they do. Their unconditional love for others around them, including me, is what makes me unconditionally love them in return. &That's the truth. They are my rock, my support, my core. They understand me immensely &still decide they want to be in my life. That - that's incredible. Words are incapable to fully convey my feelings &utter gratitude for them. I thank God every time I get a chance for giving me my great friends, &I also pray for them as well. It's the cliche of all cliches, but without them, I wouldn't know where I would be today. Some motivate me and some are my role models; however, all are my inspirations.

That brings me to the next point. These people pictured above know me at least from a certain extent and beyond; their words, advice, &guidance are what I treasure whole-heartedly. I take their opinions seriously because I know that they wouldn't want to see me hurt or go in a wrong path in life. I trust them very much because of all the hardships we have gone through together. &Oh, have there been hardships! However, other people - people I don't know too well, or rather, don't know me too well - are somewhat disregarded. They don't know what I have gone through, the inner-workings of my mind, or the details in the situations I have gone through. To pass judgment when these people - ignoramuses - have a lack of understanding for me, or for the specifics of my life, is unheard of. Get it? Unheard of. Hence, no one will be listening, especially when they are childish, shady, immature, &cowardly (to say the least) enough to pass on explicit adjudications Anonymously. If these people are equivalent to the people pictured above, then maybe I would have taken it to heart.

Understand?

Love Don't Live Here Anymore.

Well baby, you can try to tell me how it is &try to justify everything you did. But, honey, I'm no fool &I've been down this road too many times with you. I think it's best you go.

I learned a lesson yesterday from a coworker: It only gets better. I've heard it many times before; however, this time, it finally hit me. What's the rush? I'm not going to take anything too seriously now, we're young &I'm okay with that. In a few more years, I'll be able to fully appreciate the different aspects in my life better.

Being home this weekend didn't hurt either. It actually makes me happy to be with my family. I learned that projecting my emotions away from my family &towards another person isn't a solution to my family problems. All I can really do is face it &help the best I can. Xie [my older brother] is definitely a huge support in my life &to him, I am eternally grateful. My relationship with him is a relationship that I treasure. I can never fully describe my admiration &love for him.

Love lives here with my family♥ now.

Red High Heels.

Reality check: I don't take shit from anyone. This has lasted for waaayyyyy too long.

I'm not a clingy person, I'm not annoying, I don't stay in my bed all day, crying, &I never used to take shit from anyone. I still don't take shit from anyone.

Regardless if I'm in love with someone, it still does not change the way I treat myself, or rather, how I let others treat me. You need your space, fine. I have other things to do, baby. It's fucking finals week.

I treated you well, mainly because I thought you deserved it. But you don't - not anymore. You've overstayed your welcome.

Good boys get good rewards. Get it? Good.

Well you can watch me walk if you want to, want to. I’m about to show you just how missing me feels in my red high heels.

♥.

Stars Go Blue.

Where do you go when you're lonely? Where do you go when you're blue? Where do you go when you're lonely? I'll follow you when the stars go blue.

My thoughts &I are similar to leaving a loaded gun on a table. Something is always about to go off.

I don't know what's wrong... So, I don't know how to fix it. It may be out of my hands - highly likely. However, I'm here. I can't think of anything else. I may be overreacting, which I know is a default action that occurs in my mind frequently. Thus, I resort to blogging. Ughhh.

I try to analyze every word, investigate deeper, turn to social networking sites, &nothing.

If anything, I want you to know I'm here to listen. If you don't want to talk, I'm pretty good at keeping quiet &sitting around, just to be here as support.

Baby, where do you go when you're lonely? I hope I'm one of your choices because I'll follow you when the stars go blue.

Rant.

I know what we have is dead and gone. I just wonder, do you ever think of me anymore? Do you?

When you go to the same events, visit the same places, talk to the same people, &do the exact same things, doesn't it make you remember?

I get that no one can avoid anything the rest of their lives. &I am absolutely &completely happy for you. I would just like some consideration on your part for my feelings.

I've learned to keep things private. I've learned to make new memories. I've learned to move on. Once in a while, it crosses my mind - how things went down. You were such a huge part of my life that it's impossible to just entirely rid you from my mind. However, I've also learned that I deserve better. I'm not gonna be held down due to something that didn't last.

Relationships with guys: Ehh. It's the relationship I have with my family, my friends, &more importantly, how I treat myself that is of great significance. When the one comes, I'll know - thanks to the lessons I've learned from you. I still haven't found him yet &that's ok. If she's the one, then great. Congratulations.

I was just wondering... Do you?

Miss Independent.

She's fly effortlessly.

How did I get here? To being so torn, that is. I still don't believe I've lost myself in all this. I've just stopped taking care of myself. Not physically, academically, professionally, or anything of that sort. Yet, the major aspect remains: emotionally. Sometimes I forget about that aspect in my life, mainly because I let it control me behind closed doors. It doesn't get in the way of my physical health, academics, or work. However, it does slowly become something larger, mostly due to my passiveness &inability to just let it all out. That's actually a different story. Let's get back to my main point.

All my life, I had to learn for myself to not be dependent on many people. I mean, it just wasn't really possible for me to become dependent on anyone or anything when I was younger, due to the instability of things. Yet, I learned. &I'm definitely fine with it because I've understood for some time now that this just makes me stronger. Independence, right?

Well, I have recently fallen in love with an incredible person. I'm ready for a relationship. I want a relationship. But does that take away my independence? Does that make me dependent on the person? That's the struggle I've been having lately. I value my independence so much &I wouldn't have myself be any other way. But I also know I can't control how I feel about someone. As much as I'd like to put reason above emotion, I'm an emotional gal (as if you couldn't tell already). However, I know when enough is enough &I have my boundaries.

To quote the amazingly great Mariana, "Wanting to be in a relationship is different from needing to be in a relationship." I don't need you to be with me... I don't need to be with you. I want to be with you &if you're not ready, OK. I'll always be by your side as the girl behind everything. I'm still gonna get my shit done &stay the person I am, but I will not drop everything if this doesn't work out... Or even if it does.

&That's what makes me independent. Although shit happens, situations change, I fall in love, I still am who I am. I'm still motivated, determined. I am disciplined, I am focused.

Baby, don't get it twisted.

No One on the Line.

I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called &then you feel so low you can feel nothing at all. And you flashback to when he said he would try &it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

I keep waiting for something to give, but that something is always me. Baby, it's a fine line, but you're taking your sweet time.

I try sooo hard &treat him so well. But why do I do it when I don't get anything in return? I just don't like playing games, so I'll tell you how it is. I despise this feeling of getting dragged along.

When I'm in the right state of mind, I see that this is all so pathetic. Come on, working this hard and not even getting the least bit in return? Let's be real, Christia, it's unsatisfactory &utterly pitiful. But when I'm in the state of mind that I usually am in [&I don't want to necessarily call it the wrong state of mind, but..] I still feel this is going to pay off. I am not going to stop/end this. I don't like to control that... because I stay till the end. If this is going to be put to a stop, you do it because I don't let go. Spell it out for me, keep on treating me this way. But do not be inconsistent. Because that... that's leading me on &giving me false hopes.

You're not sure that you can love me, but you're not sure enough to let me go. Baby it ain't fair, you know? To just keep me hangin' 'round.

You say you don't wanna hurt me, don't wanna to see my tears. So why are you still standing here, just watching me drown? You not making up your mind is killing me and wasting time. I need so much more than that.

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road. There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway. So just leave the pieces when you go. -The Wreckers - Leave the Pieces.

Sometimes, song lyrics just do it much better.

<3

Tell Me Why.

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not. You tell me that you love me, then you cut me down. Why do you have to put down my dreams when you're the only thing on my mind?

This love is difficult, but it's real. I don't know if there's anything wrong - if I'm doing something wrong - but I hate feeling like I'm being pushed away. &That's what he's doing. I know he sees what he's doing to me... Just tell me why.

I've learned in the past year that I just don't like playing games. I like you, I'll tell you. If I want to see you, you'll know. If I miss you, it's obvious. It definitely has its cons, mainly because I'm out there - open to being hurt, used, and incredibly vulnerable. I risk it because I know I'm happy when I'm with you &I'm pretty sure you feel the same. I'd rather be with you than make you wait &pretend I'm not thinking about you when I'm alone. I feel like I know him a little more this time &it's getting better. ...I just hope this isn't false hope, you know? You know how the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I don't want to regret this. I don't want to be fooled &be left broken-hearted again.

I think I'm ready. Blunt. Out in the open. Unmistakable.

Now, you - tell me why.

_______________________________________________________________________________
PS: Hi, Riddhilove<3.

Writer's Block.

So I heard that freestyle writing - writing whatever comes to mind that includes, but is not limited to, feelings, current situations, randomness - helps overcome writer's block. I have a paper for my Philosophy Theory of Knowledge class due tomorrow. Ugh. It's on KNOWLEDGE - "What I Know and Why/How I Know It." Great. Absofuckinglutely great.

Knowledge? I don't seem to have much of that lately, mostly a priori knowledge... Logic, common sense. Nope and nope. I've just been off lately &I don't see why. Last week, I was great. I got my work done &did everything my schedule told me to do. I didn't skip classes, work @the Business Office, or - more importantly - work @Crate. But this week... Oh no. I think I've mostly turned school mode off and winter break mode on. &I highly do not recommend this, mainly because I have shit to do. Hence, the "punishment" - sitting outside my room in the hallway rather than comfortable inside.

Maybe that's the problem... I need to get more comfortable.

Ugh, boring post... I know. I'll update with the juicyness later.

Promise.

Category Mistake.

According to Gilbert Ryle, it is a mistake that shows you don't understand what kind of thing (category) something is. For example, asking the question "Is the law legal?" is a blatant category mistake. For someone to ask this, they may not understand the meaning of legal, or more importantly, the meaning of the law.

The question that I constantly ask is "Is this territory - the territory between friends and dating - a real relationship?" To analyze this question further, we must understand the meaning of a real relationship. A relationship is a connection between two people - at least the kind of relationship I am speaking of. However, a real relationship - as defined by me, &hopefully by most - is one where there is mutual caring, understanding, and effort by the two parties in question. Pretty easy, right? Now, we must look to the definition of the territory I mentioned... "between friends and dating." Now that... that cannot even be defined as a word. There's a connection and some sort of relationship there, but what is it? Red flag: it cannot even be described. It is possible the rules for it may be frequently changed by one party or the other. &This changing of rules... this is not a mutual caring, understanding, or effort, to say the least. This is a category mistake to ask this question because it does not even come close to the grounds of a real relationship. This territory is blurred, undefinable, unreal.

Now what to do with this unreal relationship? Although this territory cannot be described, it is still a territory I am stuck in. Am I okay being stuck here? Am I okay with the uncommitment? Am I okay with the longing? Am I okay with the constant changing of rules? Am I okay with the person this situation is forming me into?

I am not always unhappy. There are days, moments, nuances that make me hold on - that make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But, honestly, there are also times when I feel like, "Is this all there is?" Specifically, "Is this all I can get from him?" I don't believe it because I see it and feel it on the times we spend alone. The truth is, no one really can understand us. &That - that is where the downfall lies. Who is able to tell me I have to let go? I don't want to.

But am I making a category mistake when I ask "Can I hold on to something that is not defined as being there?"

In Love.

It’s a shame I didn’t meet him before because, now, I wanna see him more than I should. Who's to blame when he’s always on my mind? And I’d see him all the time if I could. And I hope that he cares about me because I know that I care for him. I just wanna hold his hand, be his. I wanna know if he’d take a chance.

If i could plan the perfect day, love, then I would start it just like this: Good morning.

♥.

What Hurts the Most.

I said Ma &Lolo I'm going to love you till you don't hurt no more. See you're unbreakable, unmistakable, highly capable, a living legend, too. Just look at what heaven do - sent us angels, and I thank you. I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you.
Let me tell you what I'm about to do - I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm going back to school. I appreciate what you allowed for me. I just want you to be proud of me.

(I don't have a photo of Lolo, yet.) It still hurts just as much when I think about them. It's been a year since the passing of Ma. She passed away from cholangiocarcinoma, a cancer that is always diagnosed late - a very rare type of cancer. It was all unimaginable. It was all unexpected. The hardest thing was to say bye bye.

Yesterday would have been Lolo's birthday. He passed away from myeloma. He underwent chemo, but his heart couldn't take it. He knew it was time to go &follow my grandma.

I miss both of them. I always regret not taking time to know them more. But it still hurts as bad. It's the little things I noticed. Like Ma's releno - a type of dish. She'd make extra just for me &knew that it was my favorite food. &Lolo's unconditional love. He was always so proud of us - of how well we grew up &the doors we were opening up. They didn't have money, they didn't have jewelry, they didn't have worldy items. They had time, they had love, they had their family. &If anything, that is what they have taught me - to put love &family first. To cherish &be appreciative of everything &everyone around them. Because they didn't have a lot - &that, that was okay. They never asked for much, but they lived as much as they could.

I hope that they're looking down on us &have a sense of pride. I hope they're happy &content to what we all have become. I am focused, I am disciplined. I am because of them.

Losing such passionate, loving, unjudging grandparents - or anyone else, for that matter, is what hurts the most. However, I can't also help but contemplate on how their suffering is over. They're okay. They're safe, they're always remembered.

I love you both &we'll see each other again. Thank you.

Come Close.

Come close to me, baby. Let your love hold you. I know this world is crazy... What's it without you?

Put down your bags love. I know in the past, love, has been sort of hard on you, but I see the God in you. I just want to nurture it, though this love may hurt a bit. I want to build a tribe with you, protect and provide for you. Truth is I can't hide from you - the pimp in me may have to die with you.

I know what you're thinking - you're on my mind. You're right, you're right, you're right. You promise so fast, you just might take flight. Hope your not tired, tonight, tonight.

You help me to discovery me. I just want you to put trust in me. It's destiny that we connected. You and I, we can affect the world. I'm tired of the fast lane, I want you to have my last name.
___________________________________________________________________

If life is what you make it, here’s my chance... I’ll take it. You know I wanna make you mine. I have this picture in my mind - you were in it all the time. So baby hold on tight.

And drive all night with me. Sing my favorite song and sleep under the stars on the hood of our car. It’s all I’ve ever wanted - all I ever wanted was to see you in the pale moonlight, just the way you look tonight. And maybe some day, if love comes our way, we’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring. You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring. Can you see it? I believe it, that it’s true. All I ever wanted - all I ever really wanted was you.
____________________________________________________________________

Life's busy, life's a mess. It's absolute chaos. &To find something greater than all of that - a place of relaxation, learning, being oneself, loving - is amazing.

I will keep it close to my heart, becoming my passion &nourishment for every day I am blessed to live.

The end.
...for now, of course.

I Wanna Be With You.

You could buy me diamonds, you could buy me pearls, take me on a cruise around the world. Baby, you know I'm worth it. Dinner light by candles, run my bubble bath, make love tenderly to last, and last. Baby, you know I'm worth it.

Wanna please; wanna keep; wanna treat your woman right? Not just told, but to show, that she knows she's worth your time. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her and a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her. And a real woman knows a real man always comes first and a real man just can't deny a woman's worth.

If you treat me fairly, I'll give you all my goods. Treat you like a real woman should. Baby, I know you're worth it. If you never play me, promise not to bluff. I'll hold you down when it gets rough 'cause baby, I know you're worth it.

She rolls the mile; makes you smile, all the while being true. Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you. You will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first. She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.

No need to read in between the lines, I'll spell it out for you. Just hear this song 'cause you can't go wrong when you value a woman's worth.


If you can handle this, I want to be with you - I do.
-I just don't want to get hurt again... because you hurt me pretty bad. Either way, I'm pretty sure there will always be something there. &That something doesn't have to lead to anything... because I'll always be there for you.

[=

But You're Just a Boy...

When I said that I love you, I meant that I'd love you forever. And I'm gonna keep on loving you 'cause its the only thing I wanna do. I don't wanna sleep - I just wanna keep on loving you.

If only things could be that easy. But it is getting easier - as sad as that sounds, easier - to get over being heartbroken. When I love someone, I whole-heartedly, unconditionally, everlastingly love them. I stick around till the very end - I give them everything - &most times, after the end. It never stops being so painful... But I learn. I get back up again &there will always be open wounds in my heart - always vulnerable, always susceptible to that person who caused it.

You don’t understand how it feels to love a girl. Someday you wish you were a better man. You don’t listen to her, you don’t care how it hurts until you lose the one you wanted 'cause you’ve taken her for granted &everything you had got destroyed. But you’re just a boy.

I lost the one I wanted because I was taken for granted &everything I had was destroyed.

I'm Not a Princess ("Random." Retraction).

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I was a dreamer before you went &let me down.

Just when I thought I was able to turn my life around by taking matters into my own hands, fate strictly &slyly halts all my attempts. Maybe it's just not meant to be. I believed that I deserved happiness, but the way things are turning out, I am constantly being proved wrong. I hate this time of the year - the time of the year when people are joyful &looking forward to the holidays &spending time with their loved ones, keeping warm &feeling snug (physically as well as emotionally). However, for me, I have nothing to look forward to... Unfortunately. I'm not asking for anyone to have pity on me, I'm just telling it how it is: My family's not the poster-family of the "Great American Family," nor does it come close. I don't want it to be, but I would like it to at least be functional. I never had a real childhood. My childhood consisted of frequent visits by the police to my home in the middle of the night, listening to my father beat up my mother as if she were a punching bag, hearing CJ's pain &fear of my father through the abuse, &many other moments that'll always &unfortunately be seared in my mind forever. It's as if I'm locked in a cage, trying to get away from these bad memories posing as guards who are constantly taunting me, yet the key to the lock is no where to be found... Nor is there anyone helping me find it. Day by day, I try to find the little happiness there is in my life... &I do think of that &tend to not dwell on the sadness. However, there are days when the sadness catches up to me &there's just no where to run away to.

It's as if I see myself take 50 steps forward everyday &the day that sorrow catches up, I move that many steps backward &then some.

The main idea is: I don't have a home. This is what I strive for when I take matters into my own hands. However, I never find it. &When I think I do, it bites me in the ass &makes everything worse.

I just wanna go home. A place where one is embraced &greeted with open arms. A place to forget one's hardships &to contemplate on finally being wanted... where all that dwells in it is love.

Random.

I haven't blogged in what seems like AGES. To me, @least.

Currently, I am just trying to get all my work done for this weekend, which starts Wednesday night for me. I planned many events, &hopefully @least half will go through!

This year is particularly different for me because I am actually excited about my birthday. If you don't know me, that's an incredible phenomenon. I am taking initiative, taking matters into my own hands. &Hopefully, it doesn't bite me in the ass. I've also learned to laugh more, even when I'm stuck in situations that aren't the most advantageous or the most comfortable.

I've learned more to not dwell on things, especially things that I don't have control over. I understand that now... after many failed attempts @controlling it. The world is horrible, unfair, filled with sorrows &despair, but being happy in the midst of all of that is the main point. Finding the good in things &relishing on that is extremely important. With any luck, I'll remember this.

One month ago, I would have never imagined that position I would be in today. (No, that is NOT what she said. hahaha.) 1) A great friend of mine is back in my life, which is very unexpected, but welcomed. Very welcomed. 2)Work is very interesting @the moment... Maybe because I never really had any expectations for it. 3)Embracing full singleness (yet again) is amazing &I have no idea why I thought the opposite is so great. Well, actually I do, but I just need to make sure the thrilling moments outweigh the stress... Which it usually doesn't, so... Lesson learned!

Random, I know.

Lack of Interest.

This part of my life is called "Lack of Interest," in many aspects than one.

There is a recent lull in my life, most probably due to the loss of motivation. However, not in a way in which I am failing what I am doing (eg: academics, work, being me.), rather in a way where it is potentially in my radar. Not good. Not cute either. Maybe I'm just burning out, or maybe it's just October. Either way, I need to snap out of it.

I have my priorities straight &whatnot, I think that I'm just not acting on them. Contradictory? Maybe so. I'm just so used to this whole routine that it's just plain, old boring. So, why overachieve when you can just pass?

I need a change. I need a surprise. I need spontaneity in my life. ADVENTURE. I'm immensely tired of the "same old, same old."

Now, the question is "How?" I guess that's something I need to ponder about more. Ehh.

"You know the problem, now find a solution."

My solution is: 1) Take up the offer of becoming night manager @Crate &Barrel. Show them my potential, accept the challenge. 2) Pick up an English minor. Get to learn more about something I love, while also thinking about my future (eg: having to write research papers, Medical School essays, applications, the whole nine.). 3) Become consistent in visiting the gym. (Haha, yes this is more of a personal goal, yet it also gives me a challenge physically. Anyways, working out equals energy. &It also equals endorphins. Oh, how I love thee.) &Lastly, 4) Generally, just be more open to try new things, meet new people, &be more... casual(?).

I'm taking matters into my own hands. This includes no expectations (which ultimately means, no disappointment.).

Well, there you have it: my solution to the lull. I am disciplined, I am focused. I am motivated. All I need to do is prove it.

Now this part of my life right here - this is called "Getting Back Up Again." Becoming me.

Just Stand Up.

Everything will be alright. The heart is stronger than you think, like it can go through anything - &even when you think it can’t - it finds a way to still push on, though.

Sometime you want to run away, ain’t got the patience for the pain &if you don’t believe it, look into your heart, the beat goes on.

I’m telling you things get better through whatever. If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up. Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle? You need to know.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

It’s like we all have better days, problems getting all up in your face. Just because you go through it, don’t mean it gotta take control, no.

You ain’t gotta find no hiding place because the heart can beat the hate. Don’t wanna let your mind keep playing you &saying you can’t go on.

I’m telling you things get better through whatever. If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up. Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle? You need to know.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

You don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind. If you fall, dust it off, you can live your life. Let your heart be your guide. You will know that you’re good if you trust in good. Everything will be alright, yeah. Light up the dark, if you follow your heart. It will get better through whatever.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what? Don’t give up. Through it all, just stand up.

You got it in you, find it within you. Through it all, just stand up.

I believe this applies to every aspect in life. I'll never forget Ma &Lolo. Ever. It still hurts everyday &I try to move on, but the worst happened - yet, I have found the silver lining. I've learned so much through it all - I have become stronger &wiser. It's difficult to look past the little things in one's day, so we make a fuss about it. However, the truth is that there are people dying out there every second - people who don't have loved ones, people who leave with unsaid thoughts or feelings, people who struggled to keep their life, &people who must leave their most precious ones.

There are worse things in life &I am grateful for this life, no matter what it gives me.

I'm standing up for Mercedes Mendiola, Joaquin Mendiola, Sasha Caraveo, others who have lost the battle to cancer, &most importantly, for myself.

The Heart of the Matter.

"I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again."

I LOVE those lyrics - incredibly.

But moving on...

I am moving on from everything. It's an exhilarating feeling, yet new. &With new comes fear. However, I don't believe I have that fear - @least not anymore. I am extremely tired of being in situations that, honestly, I don't have to be in. i.e. Situations regarding family, boys, relationships, friendships. &I once &for all am ridding myself of this. I do deserve to be happy. I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Last weekend was just a... relapse, a moment of weakness. A breakdown. &I'm stronger for it.

Truthfully, I don't need a guy - or anyone, for that matter - to control my happiness, especially if I'm not even happy anymore. I don't need the one. @Least, not now.

Fuck man, I'm YOUNG. &I'm much happier now anyways.

Like I said before, I'm getting back to me. I don't need anyone to justify my life &why I'm living. Yet, unlike before, I'm not saying it in an EMO, depressed, "Oh-my-gosh, I-don't-know-what-I'd-do-if-I-get-hurt" way. Okay, I got hurt. It sucks, but I'm over it now. (I would still want to talk, though.) We learn from our mistakes, right? So, the Great Wall of China, it is.

So thank you very much for the adventure.

&I still - &always will - love you.

Warwick Avenue.

Google.

It's been an emotional roller coaster this past week. Thank God I got through it. &I'm stronger for it. My mind has been cleared &I have rearranged my priorities yet again after it had gotten screwed up due to these past few months. I've learned a lot on my own &I'm 324892365478356723485692x happier.

I'll spill out the details later, I don't want to get too ahead of myself.

Now wait, this ain't no way to be treated. Mistake: you can have your cake and eat it. 'Cause any real man would up and leave, but I guess it's more than you can be. Let me help you up..."

I can't take it any longer. All we do is linger, slipping through our fingers. I don't wanna try now. All that's left is good-bye.

&That's it. Thank you very much.

Stay Together.

I think it's absolutely mind-boggling how people can keep it together - emotionally, that is. In times of hardship, sorrow, troubles, &frustration, people can really put up an amazingly wonderful front. However, what is under all of that - the setting-the-troubles-aside human being - is someone who wants to just break down. No matter how much they put on upbeat music, surround themselves with cheer, keep themselves busy, they are hurting inside - immensely. It's crazy how we can just go on with our day with all this pain.

I guess that's where strength comes from. ...Then explain to me why I am so strong.

Because deep inside, it does hurts. &I feel it.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?

Elephants.

If the elephants have past lives
Yet all destined to always remember
It’s no wonder how they scream
Like you and I, they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the planes
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card
When I am doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young
Then tell me how did you sleep by?
Oh, my instincts have failed me for once
I must have slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips
And teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you’ll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won’t you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you are living you don’t stand a chance
You can lie there and say you are fed
But there are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger
But keep one eye open at night

by Rachael Yamagata.

Blast from the Past.

When I think of how much I've changed in the course of three years, it's impossible not to think about you. Never in a million years would I have conjured up the adventures we've journeyed together. It was definitely a love of ideals - innocent, wishful thinking. Young love. Of course I still think about you &all that I learned from our journey.

There's no more bitterness, anger, or contempt in what we shared or the actions we decided to play out. Looking back, I see that you made me so happy &my past jadedness after parting ways will never blur that away.

I'm grateful for the experience &maybe it's just one of those "Another place, another time" moments.

"I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should cuz she will love you more than I could - she who dares to stand where I stood. And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all, but you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you - this is what I have to do."

Thanks for the adventure.

The Little Things.

from albert.cantaloupe.

Fuck my life. He makes me so incredibly happy &it's just crazy. I learn something new about him everyday &it just attracts me more &more. We're opening up to each other more &I'm seeing that he is human. I've always understood that, but now he's feeling comfortable to show it. I love it.

There are no words to describe it. I'm unprepared for this. It's a complete, utter surprise. He was unplanned, unexpected &I can't say that enough.

His surprise tonight astonished me.... &it still does. He makes my insides get all giddy, reddens my cheeks, weakens my knees, making it impossible to speak.

I haven't opened up like this to anyone in a long time &it feels unnerving, untraveled, &amazing - all @the same time. My state of fright &defense is slowly getting torn down by the little things he does.

I see it now... I feel it.

"You're nuts, you're crazy," you tell me - you love me. So, thank you - I love you.

Happy Alone Anyway.

"So now that I've been too honest, do you wanna talk about us? I say we stick to a plan cuz I'm tired of being inconsistent. You can stop looking at me that way. I'm pretty happy alone anyway, I don't need you to justify my life &why I'm living.I will stand tall and through it all, I won't be too afraid to fall &I'll try to leave you a glimmer of the hope that I'm feeling cuz I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here with you. Next time I scream in the mirror, I hope I'll see things clearer. It's time for me to enjoy these things I have worked so hard for.

Sorry, I'm on my way. I can't live this another day. I won't stop. My words - they came along &linger in me."

I put myself out there... Yet again. I think it's about time I learn that I just keep getting screwed over. [&NO, I'm not whining about it. It's just...] I always give in &they always turn back.

"It's as if you've conquered your latest treasure &now see it as fool's gold."

I've learned my lesson &I will adjust myself to it.

I'm not a quitter, but I know when I'm not wanted... truly.

The Trouble With Love is...

I swore I'd never love again. I swore my heart would never mend. I said love wasn't worth the pain, but then I hear it call my name.

The trouble with love is it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe a lie. It's stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall &you can't refuse the call. See, you've got no say at all.

It takes work &effort. It's still a blind trust &I don't know if I can let go of myself.

I want to. Not just yet.

How Much for Happy.

from albert.cantaloupe.

He is my unconventional, extraordinary source of happiness. I wasn't looking for anything - much less, anyone - to live for, to complete me, to save me from myself. He sorta just... happened. He stumbled into my life randomly, I thought. I've opened my eyes to many different perspectives due to him. He shows me it's OK to act cooky &idiosyncratic. He pushes me to open up. He makes me comfortable. He, himself, is very comfortable.

He would give anything for anyone he is close to. There is a warmth &a passion inside that draws me closer - if ever possible.

I want him to know that I believe distance, time apart, &busyness can still leave our "relationship" untainted &unbreakable. I believe in communication. I believe in reassurance. Insecurities are difficult to overlook, but the ability for one person to, not constantly, but meaningfully assure the other of their intentions would be good enough. I know sometimes it seems like I don't really care &don't put too much effort, but it's only because my mind is still thinking that I have to play a game as a guard - a game I had to learn after persistently getting damaged. Show me otherwise.

I hope it's known that I do know that many of the little battles I choose are not because of you, but because of me. It's something in me, an insecurity or two, that makes me push you away.

But I want you to hold on a little bit longer. This is what I'm doing - what I'm trying whole-heartedly to do.

This is how much it is for happy.

Getting Back to Me.

I have no idea why I'm stressing out over a small thing. Maybe I'll get rid of you &then I'll get back to me. I don't have to go through all of this, I don't have to argue &get mad. I don't have to be a part of something I really wasn't feeling.

I just don't need to be in this. I don't want to be worse than I already am.

I'm not ready. I'm getting back to me.

Off to a Better Place.

Moving on. It'll be incredibly difficult, but it's finally time. I am strong. I am disciplined. I am focused.

I pride myself in knowing my priorities. I keep my family first. However, I am learning that perhaps distance will be the only way to keep us together. We - not just them - have been taking one another for granted and are constantly hurting one another. I need time apart, time to clear my head and to fully prioritize my life. I don't like unnecessary drama &that will most probably be the fall of me if I decide to stay. I need to keep my goals pristine in not only my mind, but also in my heart. This is what I am doing for Ma, my grandma. Ma &Lolo always lived for their family. I am doing this for our family. I need to get out of my bubble and get out into the world, fully. I need to become more independent and learn for myself. I must take away all the preconceived notions in my mind produced by my environment, by my family, by my conventional elders &most importantly, my parents. I love them so much, but I think it's time to show them how much I can truly succeed.

As for CJ... there is no way I will be able to let him fully grow if I am always nearby. It saddens me every morning I wake up that he is entirely dependent on me. I love him so much, but I know his potential and I know he is ready, but he won't - he won't venture out on his own - if I'm still here to help him along. Times are changing and life is calling me. No one should assume that I will carry his burden all my life.

And as for Xie... I hope he'll be able to go on this journey with me. My eyes were opened today when I found out that I am the reason he is staying here in LA. He has so much bottled up potential to become so much more, but due to his obligations to me as an older brother, he has decided to remain behind. I can't fully keep my family together, contrary to what has been said. It is not a one-person job... &This - this is due to him being my support, my motivator, my role model.

It disheartens me that one day soon, I'll be leaving most of my family, my friends - people I love, to fly out, grow, &prove the capacity of my intellect, but most importantly my strength. A great person knows when it's time to let go.

Finally, it's time for me to let go - go off to a better place.

This is my one chance.

Not Over It.

I let go. I let someone have me yet again. &It hurts. I knew my place. I knew. &I decided to let go.

Just because of butterflies in my stomach &weak knees.

Over It.

I don't need any unnecessary drama. Why bother? I thought I knew, but I'm learning that it's just all wrong. Maybe it's just isn't supposed to happen. Who doesn't put effort in a relationship with a person they claim to love? Who just doesn't bother to ask one more time or even at all?

I don't know if it's just a test, but why the fuck would a test be needed? I'm normally laid back, but so many things are now pushing my buttons. It all feels like a test &I guess I fail.

I don't want my guard down &I don't have the strength for it, honestly.

I thought - I thought many things. But fuck this. I was afraid to get hurt for a reason, and look what's happening.

I can't anymore. I want to so bad. I need reassurance. I need to know it's not superficial.

Maybe that's my main issue. I feel like it's all about the physical and the idea of loving someone else - someone other than the first person they have ever loved. &Maybe it actually is. &That would be my worst. That's my fear now. &I can't face it.

I'm over it.

Vulnerable.

It was unexpected. It was seemingly impossible. It was unwanted. It was. But it is in the present now &I can't turn back to make it all go away. Deep inside, I don't want it to go away. I lied, it does scare me. When you bring up other people, I do have fear that I'll lose you. Not that it's anything "too serious" right now, but I'll finally admit... Yes, we ARE dating.

Can't you see that this is me pushing you away because you're actually getting through. All that I intended for this to be is no longer an option. I'm just really really really really scared.... Terrified, frightened, shocked, caught by suprise, vulnerable.

I can't expect you to be close to me only when I feel like it... that's just unfair. But the times when I don't feel like it is only because of the feeling of dread - of danger. Danger to possibilities of getting hurt again. No one ever wants to get hurt. They don't get into relationships just to get hurt. They get into them to have a sense of happiness with a person they connect to, a person they can really relate to. For me, a person who is blunt and speaks their mind. A person who isn't afraid to say more than what is necessary or what is desired to hear, but just to say. A person who understands me like crazy. A person who actually likes seeing me for me. A person who is passionate, loving, caring, understanding. A genuine person. A person that I want to get to know more about.

His intentions are good &I'm still learning that. &Mine are the same, but my walls are definitely still up. This pushing away, constant thinking, constant filtering are the signs of this barrier that has been constructed.

I'm trying. It's impossible for me to say I'm invincible.

But then again, I don't want to admit that I'm vulnerable.

Suddenly I See.

My friends just aren't my thing. At least, some of them. I know, I know... It sounds cold &horrible, but it's just true. I seem to be losing them left &right. I guess it's just that we're all changing and growing apart from each other. It's definitely not cuz I don't try. I treat them exactly the same even when they push me away. I still ask them if they want to hang &whatnot. Once it gets bad, I give them the same effort they give me.

That's when it all ends.

Sucks. But I figured that I don't deserve being treated that way by my friends. Right?

I don't need any unnecessary stress in my life. I'll deal.

But can you?

Mistakes.

I fucked up my car today. Not horribly fucked up, but fucked up enough. CJ got on my case about it, which is predictable, but he just wouldn't stop.

I get it, I get it. It was a stupid, foolish, dumb, moronic mistake. But man... I make mistakes. The one thing I was always afraid of (which is pretty insignificant in broader matters)was being so good and so pristine (at least in terms of academics and family). Once that becomes accomplished, everyone around me will always assume that every day and every minute I'm like that... that I always live up to that. And then - then mistakes are unthinkable. Well, it seems that I'm there.

It actually makes me somewhat sorry for surpassing people's expectations of me. I want to be able to make mistakes and not feel so incredibly horrible I've made one. I understand why it is an error &I know not to do it again. But really. I make mistakes.

I guess it even shocked me. It's possible. So give me some slack.

Please?

Rising Above.

There's a problem that I'm facing at the moment that I'm trying to not think about, yet, for some weird reason, it bugs me. It bugs me that people can be so narrow-minded and caught up with their ownselves that they completely and utterly disregard their "friends." Then they go back and turn it around on them if they are treated that way for just a second. I'm not interested in any unnecessary, immature drama. I've always known what my priorities are. And until recently, I've also learned to not be treated like a doormat. You may once have been a priority of mine, but once you slip up (and I'm not talking about small, insignificant flaking. I'm talking about not being there when my life has changed, especially when you expect me to be there when a single tear falls down your eye. And even then, I'm there.) my priorities realign. I don't need to exclaim to the world every minute when someone fucks me over. I don't need any of that useless complaining. Oh, I mean venting. My life doesn't have to be "perfect." At least not now or at all. I don't pretend that it is, either. I'm just grateful for my core people, those who won't turn around on what they said a few years, or even a few weeks, back. Those who get the picture.

All my ideas may seem scattered, but only those who this accounts for will truly get it.

Thank the Lord no one really reads this shit. Haha.

So from now on, this is me.. rising above.

I get my shit straight, thank you very much.

a change.

Ahh there's just been so much on my mind these days that it disgusts me. I feel like I'm becoming who I was: an emotional, dramatic, sorry little girl. So not cute. Haha.
I'm honestly tired of running to old friends' beckon calls as if I actually truly believe they give a fuck about me. All they honestly want to do is talk about themselves to feel better than others. ...At least that's how they make it seem. So I'm going to change that and stop being someone who lets others treat her as a doormat. &YES, I know I've been saying that for months now, but maybe if I write it just once more, I'll really try.

Another subject that made me act unlike myself was the way I went gaga over a person. No no no. It's even embarrassing to think about how I acted. I seriously have my whole life ahead of me &I do NOT need that distraction. So there. Problem realized, problem SOLVED. As one of my great friends would ALWAYS tell me when she hears me bitch &moan about ANYTHING in life... "You know the problem, now find a solution." THERE. I'm freeeee♥ &wouldn't trade it for a thing.

In relation to the gaga-ness, I realized that I need to be a better person, a better citizen... I guess you can say. I always talk about how ignorance should be overcome by educating oneself &whatnot, but I realized that I was so closed-minded that when it came down to MY ignorance, it wasn't "ignorance" anymore. I spend wayyyy too much time on PerezHilton.com &watching E! ! I need to spend more time reading about what's really significant: the future &just what is going on in the world around me. I'm a registered voter, but I'm not even educating myself on all 16 or 17 candidates. Yes, that many. I don't want to be the typical teenage girl that only thinks about herself and her "little world." I like to think I'm not that kind of girl - or that kind of person, in general - but there is so much more I can do. So enough about me &my insignificant drama &more on others. Like what I used to say to my friends when they would cry over spilled milk... "Think about genocide in Darfur!" So it's time for me to listen to my own advice &become that person that's cautious of the world around them. [=

So in short, I need to stand up for myself, eliminate distractions (because it's all about having fun &living life!), &just know more about what's going on around me. It's definitely possible to do all three... right?

A change. It'll be good.

If I Never See Your Face Again.

I can't help but think how much things have changed within a year. It makes me really grateful for the people who have stuck by me &helped me go through such rough times. Also, it made me see the true colors of some people who were really close to me &no longer are.

It's really been a great learning experience, as generic as that sounds. But, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted my life to go any other way.

I'm done for now. Hawaii's in ONE WEEK. Goodbye LA.

friends of convenience.

May 2.

This year has been CRAZY. There were so many new people I've met &I've grown to love. [= There were also many falling outs. But hey, new school, new life. For sure. Yet, what I've learned about myself is that I always want things to end up well, for everything to be happy in the end. However, people take that for granted &there are only so many cheeks to turn. What I'm talking about are friends who just use other friends only when it's convenient for them. But when the other friend is going through a hard time - a really hard time - they don't have time. What I've learned is that you shouldn't take shit from anyone, especially the people who are supposed to love you &be there for you. ...You know what? I'll give you the same amount of time you give me. Don't be surprised if I don't answer your calls or call you back. You're not an obligation, hun.

I've learned a long time ago that you just have to let people go because it's not worth being that unhappy with them than finding new happiness without them.

I'm finding happiness. Finally, babe. Don't be surprised if you're not one of my priorities.

Thank you very much.

under the weather.

I'm definitely not in the mood to do anything right now, although I know I should. I really need to finish up my art history paper because I just made plans for tomorrow. Great.

This end of the week is gonna be pretty hectic. Perhaps it's my pre-endoftheyear FUN. haha. Let's see. Wednesday: date (?). Thursday: clubbing with the girls (Riddhi, Taby, Mariana (I shall make her go. haha.), &perhaps Rocio.) @either Cinespace (I'm soo over that place. haha.), Level 3 (no comment.), or Element. Friday: clubbing with Riddhi (?) @Avalon. Saturday.. well it just goes on &on. I think I've actually mentioned this already, but whatever.

Well, my point WAS: I CANNOT be sick &I think it's about time I give my immune system a pep talk. I don't get sick, thank you very much.

Anyways, hopefully the sooner I get to my work, the sooner it'll get done &the sooner I get to sleep. It's the best thing that was ever invented. haha.

...&randomly, I've been missing my grandparents recently. This is for my people who just lost somebody. Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady... Lift your heads to the sky cuz we will never say bye. It doesn't get easier. It still hurts when I hear someone talking about cancer. It still hurts when I hear people talk about their grandparents. I never really got to know them &I just hope they're looking down on my family now, proud.

Besides, this - studying biology, becoming a doctor - all this is for them. I made a promise to my grandma &I'm sticking to my word.

Anyways, I can't do all this till I get better. So let the healing begin.

ohh dang.

Procrastination's a bitch. &I'm already on my way to "Summer Mode." The current project that needs to get done is my Art History paper on an artwork (of course). I chose Edgar Degas's Waiting. There's so much I know I can write about, but I'm just waaayyyy too lazy. Yes, it's only a five-page paper, but still, I'm lagging it until I can't lag no more. haha.

What sucks MORE is that I'm totally not thinking about school because I can't wait till Thursday &this weekend! Clubbing♥ ! I haven't been out-out in a while, minus that date with whatshisface. haha. But seriously, I'm on a MISSION when I go out. &It'll be uberly fun with Riddhi &Mariana. Hopefully, Rocio will come too, but we'll see. Friday will also be a club night, in which I am 65% sure'll happen. Saturday is a day for the boys, the brothers &Bryan! &Sunday... oh, that's just a day for work..

But seriously... how can I focus when I have this weekend to think about &HAWAII in about 4 weeks?!

BTW, getting amazingly beautiful grades for my classes aren't even an incentive because I've been getting A's this whole semester! ahh. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

ohh dang. Must snap out of it. Check.

33 days left.

Hawaii's coming... or rather, I'm leaving for Hawaii in 33 days. I think it's about time I get out of this goshdarn city, try more new things, &just explore. I've been focused in college all this time (you know, with a few dates, outtings, &random late nights here &there... but you get the picture.) &I need time off. After all, 7 years of school left! &I can't wait.

I just got outta my Women's Leadership class when a quote got my attention: "'I am finding new strength in myself; I may have always had it and just didn't know because I'd never had to call on it.'"

This freshman year in college has been the most dramatic, emotional, fun, crazy, rollercoaster-ish, &adventuresome year in my whole entire life. There were just so many changes I had to deal with. I thought by the end of summer all I really had to deal with was a broken heart, but then I realized how much college was different, how much my family means to me, how much new people can become such close friends, &how to cope with the losses of my grandparents. I realized... you know what? There is just so much out there in the world that are more important, like family, &I am not gonna waste my time bitching about certain events.

Am I strong? That's an ongoing debate I've had with Riddhi, Rose, &CJ for a while now. I just deal.

So now I need time off &live life happily, which is primarily my main goal. Living for ME &finding out just what I love in this world. No need to be dependent on anyone or anything. Boys? Oh, they're just beginning to get good. Smoking cigarettes? Nope, quit that. Irrelevant drama? There's more out there in the world.

Baby, I'm ready &Hawaii's just the tip of the iceberg.

Christia<3

baybee baybee.

the start of something new. we'll see how this works out.

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